The last of the minivan parade sped past my dad’s house as I reached the edge of the driveway, and the glowing heat of the sun warmed my skin while the sight of David warmed my whole day. He didn’t see me come out, and I thought about sneaking up on him, but once I cleared the windbreak of the house, the morning breeze blew in from the east, sweeping strands of my hair pleasantly along my shoulders like tickly feathers. I closed my eyes and lost myself in the sensation.
“Ara! Stop!”
My eyes shot open as the windshear of a speeding car nearly sucked me onto the road, but a hand yanked me from the edge and I spun away, my wrist barely missing its side mirror.
“Jeeze, Ara!” Sam dropped my arm. “What the hell were you thinking?”
I swallowed hard and blinked. One more step and I would’ve been under that car. “Sorry, Sam. It wasn’t there when I started crossing.”
We watched the beaten-up old bomb scream around the corner, smoke billowing out from its exhaust.
A smile spread over my shock. “You just saved my life.”
“David. How come you didn’t see that?” He looked over my shoulder just as warm hands clasped my waist. David spun me into him, ignoring Sam. “Man, you were looking right at her.”
“Are you okay?” David asked in a soft whisper, cupping my cheek.
“Mm-hm.” I nodded.
“I—” He shook his head and looked at Sam. “I was looking this way, but I was… I just didn’t see it.”
I touched my collarbone where it felt like my heart was trying to break through the skin.
“Well, I gotta get to school,” Sam said, nodding toward the building as the last bell rang. “You need me to hold your hand across the road, sis?”
“Funny.” I rolled my eyes.
“Take care, Ara. Okay?” Sam started walking backward. “Dad only just got you back. It’ll kill him if you… do something stupid.”
My mouth fell open. “It was an accident,” I called out, standing on my toes to make my voice seem bigger.
He shrugged and kept walking.
“I’m sorry, Ara.” David’s eyes narrowed when I looked back at him. “I really should have seen that.”
“It’s not your fault. I was totally in my own world.” I laughed, but David just shook his head, saying something to me in French with an angry or maybe frightened tone.
“Huh?”
“Come on, let’s just get you to class.”
“David?” I said, following him as he walked. “Is something wrong?”
He stopped with rounded shoulders, his chest rising and falling as though it was hard to breathe. Everything around me faded to insignificance then. I knew something was wrong. Really wrong. He didn’t move, didn’t speak, just stood motionless, wordless and unresponsive.
Tiny bubbles of despair flitted around my stomach, making me feel like everyone in the schoolyard was watching us. But the field was empty; we were late, and I suddenly didn’t care.
“Are you upset with me about the… the feeling I had yesterday?”
“No,” he said in a deep, quiet voice.
“Then does this have something to do with the reason you don’t want to kiss me?”
“Is that what you think? That I don’t want to kiss you?” He stalked away again. “Honestly, Ara, I don’t know where you come up with these things.”
“You pulled away from me! What am I supposed to think?”
David just shook his head, walking on.
“So if it’s not that, then tell me what’s wrong. What am I supposed to think when you act like this?” I stepped out onto the road. “David, please.”
He stopped but didn’t turn around, rolling his chin to his chest with a long, heavy sigh. “I spoke to my uncle last night.”
“Okay, and?”
“And…” He turned to face me again. “When he comes to visit today, he has requested I return with him.”
“Return where?”
“New York.”
“Why? For how long?”
David’s eyes closed slowly. “For good.”
“What?” I sprung forward. “You’re leaving?”
After a hard sigh, David looked defeated, like this was the worst day of his life. “Ara, leaving was never optional for me.”
“But… you said… you told me you weren’t going anywhere. Ever!”
“I know. It was silly for me to say that. I got caught up in you, in this, and I made promises I knew even then that I probably couldn’t keep.”
“C—” My mouth hung open, stuck around the incredulity of that statement. “Caught up? You don’t just get caught up, then make fake promises.”
“It wasn’t fake. When I made that promise, my every intention was to try to keep it.”
“Try to keep it?” I yelled, throwing my hands up when he didn’t respond. “Well, what’s changed? Why can’t you keep it now?”
“You might say reality came back to pay me a visit.”
I stared at him. “What kind of answer is that?”
“I’m sorry. I’ve done everything the wrong way here. I just wasn’t prepared to come here and fall in love, and now that I have, I need to rethink my entire life.”
“But… can’t you rethink your life with me in it?”
“It’s not viable.”
“Viable?” I took a wide step back from him. “So, that’s it? No negotiations. You’re just leaving me?”
“It wasn’t supposed to be for another few months.”
“Months? You said never.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“When were you going to tell me that your promise was a lie?”
He swallowed, guilty as sin.
My eyes narrowed at him as it sunk in, making me dizzy. “You weren’t, were you? You were just going to leave?”
“I…”
I died then. Everything that he had made okay within me suddenly broke, like a glass heart hitting a boulder. “Am I a game to you?”
“No, Ara—”
“Get off me!” I rolled my shoulder, pulling my arm away from his touch. “God, how could you do this to me? No, how could I have been so stupid to get so invested in this?”
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wasn’t supposed to love you this way.”
“But you do. Doesn’t that… I mean, can’t that change how things have to be?”
He turned slowly and looked at me, his eyes shimmering so green in the morning light, so liquid with troubles that I wanted to look away before they made me forgive him. “I wish it did.”
“So, that’s it. You’re going? Leaving—today?”
He nodded.
I bit my lip to stop it trembling, then walked right past him with my arms folded, my spine as straight as a board.
“Ara?”
I couldn’t speak, couldn’t even think. I just had to go to school, go to class, just move.
“Ara?” He grabbed my arms and pulled me back gently. “Where are you going?”
“Class. I…” I spoke to his chest. “I can’t do this.”
“Do what? Say goodbye?”
“No.” I laughed at him, the sound filled with derision. “Argue with you about it.”
“Then let’s not argue.” His voice softened. “I only have until—”
“You still don’t get it, do you?”
“What?”
“You can’t leave.”
“I…” He seemed shocked, as if he’d just expected me to accept this. “Ara, I have to.”
“No.” I shook my head, folding my arms tighter. “I’ll die. If you go, I won’t be able to go on. You’re the glue. You’re everything that’s holding me together. I won’t be okay without you.”
He dropped his arms to his sides. “Don’t say that.”
“Would you rather I lied? Would you rather I said great, let’s have a freakin’ farewell party? What did you honestly expect by telling me this?”
His gaze sunk to the ground. “I’m not su
re. I… I hadn’t actually planned to tell you. It just came out.”
I wiped my face with my hand and walked away again. “I’ll see you in class.”
“I wish I’d told you the truth,” he called after me. “I should have told you I’d be leaving, Ara.”
“No shit.”
David caught up and stood in front of me, blocking my path. “I’m sorry for that.”
“But you didn’t tell me. And you wait until now, when I finally let myself need you, finally let myself feel okay again, to tell me you’re going to take all that away.”
“No. That will stay with you now. Don’t you see? You have Em, you have your dad, Mike—”
“As if that matters, David! They’re not you!”
He rocked back on his heels like he’d been physically hit with my words. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” I nodded, the lump in my throat threatening to rip me open. And it all broke apart then. I dug the heels of my palms into my eyes, shaking, as everything I saw for the future died. I felt as if I were standing alone in the pouring rain, and even the smell of the hot grass couldn’t bring me back to earth, couldn’t make me believe this was not some nightmare.
“You will get through this,” he said dismissively.
“Is that what you really believe?”
He exhaled, chest sinking. “It’s not my heart’s desire to leave you. If you only knew how much you mean to me, you’d know how the very idea of not being here with you is killing me. I’ve lost sleep over this, Ara. It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” he said, his voice losing that deep, strong tone.
“Nothing’s ever what we want it to be.”
“No, it’s not. And I betrayed you—betrayed your heart by allowing you to love me, when I knew this would end.”
“Did you think you could control this?” I dug my finger into my chest. “Did you think you could stop me falling in love with you, like it’s some accident?”
“I could’ve left before you fell for me.”
“So, before my first day; before English class; before you took me to the lake and made me open up to you in a way I never thought I could with anyone?”
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “This is a mess.”
I rolled my shoulders back and looked around the field. “Will he let you finish out the day, at least?”
David shook his head. “He’ll arrive just after lunch. I need to be there to meet with him.”
I looked at his shoulder, realising he didn’t even have his schoolbag. “Just go then.”
“What?”
“Don’t drag this out,” I said, splitting open at the seams. I had to cover my face then to hide the ugliness of my world falling apart.
“Ara, don’t cry like that. You’ll make yourself sick again.”
“I can’t help it. Do you think I’m doing it deliberately?”
“Come here.” He reached for me.
“No!” I shoved his chest as hard as I could. “I said go. I don’t want to see you anymore. I don’t want to even look at you.”
“Ara, stop it.”
“No. You hurt me. You made me love you. You made me want to be happy with you!” I drew a deep, shuddering breath as he moved in and wrapped me up in his arms, tucking my hands into my chest so I couldn’t fight him.
“Shh. It’s okay,” he said into my hair. “It’s okay.”
“I thought it was for always. I pictured a future,” I sobbed inaudibly.
“I know,” he hummed in that deep, milky voice. “I did too.”
“Then what happened? Why are you just letting this go?”
“This isn’t what I want. I was stupid. I thought I’d be the exception but… Ara? I’m not. I can’t change this.”
“But… don’t you know what will happen to me when you’re gone?” I said, knowing I wouldn’t survive, seeing it all play out. I stood a chance, once, before I met him. But this wasn’t a before and after kind of love. It was a do or die.
He grew taller inch by inch. “Don’t think that way. You’re a strong, capable girl.”
“You know I’m not—not right now.” I shook my head. “That’s just what you tell yourself so you don’t have to feel guilty, knowing what will happen to me if you leave.”
“It’s what I have to tell myself,” he yelled, his gaze fixing mine. I let him look at me, look in to me, seeing everything crack and bleed. After a moment, he gently pushed past me and walked toward my dad’s house, jerking around a few steps away. “Goddamn it, Ara.”
I crossed my hands over my stomach to keep the contents in, drawing a few deep breaths, watching him do the same.
The bell tolled behind us and students broke through the school doors, their noise filling the field. First period.
David quickly marched toward me with a determined look in his eye, grabbing my arm again before he was at my side. He pulled me close, glaring down at me. “What would you have me do?”
I shoved his hand off my arm. “Stay.”
“And what if those secrets of mine, those secrets you’re too innocent to handle, were stopping that from ever being possible long-term? Would you be ready to hear them then, even if it meant I would still need to leave in a few months?”
I stepped forward, lifting my chin to feel taller. “Yes.”
He was taken aback for a moment, but then his eyes narrowed, seeing through me. “Liar.”
“I just…” I twitched a little. “I don’t want you to be something bad, David.”
“Because you’re not sure if you could love me?”
“I’ve never been in love like this before. I just don’t know what it can withstand.” I touched my chest. “And I think I’m just too fragile to lose you—whether that’s to hatred or to you leaving me.”
He exhaled slowly, and I knew it weaselled its way in there—the idea that he couldn’t leave until I was okay. “I can talk to my uncle. Maybe I can convince him to let me stay at least for my original designated allowance.”
“But not for always?”
David looked around as the students branched out in several directions, intruding on our little battle over the end of the world. “There are other options. Some I, until now, haven’t been willing to explore, but staying forever is not one of them.”
“Well, what is?”
“None of them, really, Ara.” He groaned, scratching his brow fiercely. “None of them are right—not for you.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you. Because I want better for you. And because all your dreams, Ara, everything you want in life could be destroyed if we stay together.”
That seemed like a pretty out-there thing to say, but I could see he meant it, which worried me. Deeply. “Why?”
“That, my love, is as far as this explanation goes without formal approval.”
My eyes narrowed as I stepped into him, peering right into his soul. “Who the hell are you?”
“I will explain this to you, depending on what my uncle says. Just… I need to go now, but don’t hate me, okay. Let me talk to him, and I’ll return for you later.”
“When?”
“After lunch,” he said, and walked away without waiting for a response.
“Hey, Ara,” Emily beamed, racing up to where I stood. She smiled widely, looking at me then at David as he wandered away. “Missed you in rollcall today.”
“Em?” I rolled my head to the side. “Don’t pretend there’s nothing going on. That just makes it worse.”
“Sorry.” Her shoulders dropped. “Are you okay? Did you have a fight?”
I watched David getting smaller and smaller as he briskly walked toward the front parking lot. “I gotta get to class.”
“Okay. Um, Ara?”
I stopped, turning stiffly back to face her.
“I’m sorry. I know you’re upset, but if you need to, like, talk or something—” She pulled one shoulder up and touched her cheek to it.
“Thanks, Em.” But I’d opened that
door to someone already. I would never open it again after this.
12
As we walked to class, Emily babbled mindlessly about the benefit concert and our difficult mythology paper—which hadn’t sounded so difficult when Dad assigned it—and I slipped into the safety of my proverbial eggshell-carrycase: happy on the outside, while my guts felt like fricassee. David’s pendulum behaviour had finally sent me nuts; my every thought centred on reasons he might be leaving, and I kept coming back to believing I just wasn’t enough for him after all.
At lunch, we set the date for the benefit concert and finished making ticket signs with the help of the art students. Then, Emily went as far as to ask that the performers meet after school for further rehearsals. And we actually agreed. Everything for the concert was falling into place while, for me, everything was falling apart.
“Em?” I said, lowering my voice so Dad wouldn’t growl at me for talking in class.
“Mm?” She kept her eyes on him.
“Hypothetical question.”
“Oh, I love this game.”
I smiled. “If you loved someone more than anything, what would be the only thing that could make you leave them?”
“Hm.” She watched the projection screen as Dad changed the image, and I caught one or two words of his lecture about some religious topic—something to do with vampire myth. “Death, I suppose. I’d only leave if they could either die or get really hurt by my being with them.”
I nodded to myself. “What if you were a criminal and you didn’t want them to know?”
She shook her head, leaning on her hand. “Nah, I’d tell them. If they loved me, they wouldn’t care.”
“What if your horrible truth was that you went from place to place, making people love you, then leaving them—for the fun of it?”
“Then it wouldn’t be real love, so it wouldn’t count.”
My heart wriggled down into my diaphragm.
“Can I ask you a hypothetical question?” Emily said, lowering her voice when Dad gave us a warning glare.
“Sure.” I tried not to switch off. Too many times, she’d said things and I had to pretend I’d been paying attention. But I just felt like crying—a feeling so deep I had to sit straight and take a few shallow breaths. I knew only too well that if David thought he would be hurting me by staying, then he would absolutely leave and not come back. And I loved him for that as much as I hated him for it.
Dark Secrets Box Set Page 21
