Dark Secrets Box Set

by Angela M Hudson

  “I had to.”

  “Why?” I touched my collarbone. “And why didn’t you erase it when you saved me at Karnivale?”

  “Because I wanted you to remember that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because that was a significant event. To erase that would set you back.”

  “Set me back?”

  “Your progression, Ara—the healing of old emotional wounds. Karnivale was the impacting event that sanctioned change; it’s when you started to feel safe again. Safe with me.”

  “I don’t feel safe with you.”

  “Yes, you do.” Jason smiled warmly, though unintentionally smug might have been a better description. “Since we’ve been coming here, you’ve gone from sitting silently a few feet across from me”—he pointed ahead, as though I was sitting there—“to sitting beside me telling me how much you hate me, to talking about the mysteries of the universe, the hopes and dreams you have for your future and, like I said, things… progressed.”

  I did not believe him—not even a little bit. “Then why would you erase that? Just to start all over again each time we meet here?”

  “I don’t want to erase it. But, David can’t know we meet here.”

  “Because he’ll kill you,” I scoffed conceitedly.

  “No.” His hand moved swiftly across to scoop mine up. “I don’t care what he does to me, Ara. It’s what he’d do to you that worries me.”

  “Like what?”

  “Leave.”

  “He’s leaving anyway.”

  “Not right now. If he knew how you felt about me—if I let you remember how things have progressed between us—you wouldn’t be able to keep that from your thoughts, from your actions. You love him”—he dropped his head, his voice softening—“but you love me, too. And while he’s here that will only cause conflict in both your heart and in your life. I won’t do that to you.” Jason smiled secretly at my gaping mouth. “When David leaves again, we can be together. Until then, the nights are all we can have.”

  “No. No way. I don’t believe you.”

  “Look at the proof, Ara,” Jason’s voice rose slightly with an edge of fear. “Look around. Does it look like I’m making this up?” He held up our linked hands. “Look how easily you touch me. You know this is the truth.”

  “Oh, God.” I pulled my hand free. “How could I do this to David?”

  “You didn’t mean for this, sweet girl.” Jason slid his fingertips under my chin; I reluctantly looked into his emerald eyes. “It just happened.”

  “I don’t care.” I shook my head, my teeth caging hysterics. “I have to put a stop to it. I can’t allow this. It’s not right. It—”

  “It’s just love. There’s nothing wrong with that. Please”—he closed his eyes tight—“don’t try to hate me. It took me so long to get you to trust me.”

  “And yet you betray it by erasing my mind?”

  “It’s complicated.” He looked down at his hands.

  “How is it complicated? You do things with a person, and you both remember it,” I stated. “You’d only erase something you weren’t proud of.”

  “I’ve had my day of committing acts I’m not proud of, Ara,” he said almost dully. “You have my word, that is not why I erase your memory.”

  “So…” I sat back, brushing my hair away as the wind picked up and blew it into my eyes. “If you’ve been erasing things, is that why I’ve been so forgetful lately?”

  “Yes.”

  It all made sense. The night I went to get custard, the day I was late for Spencer’s birthday and so, so many other times. I pieced it all together, anxiously scratching at my collarbone. “Then, it’s been longer than since Karnivale…”

  “Yes, and no.” He sat forward, his eyes wider. “We’ve not been meeting here. Not before that, but I—” He paused.

  “What?”

  “You caught me out—in the real world—following you a few times.”

  “You were following me?”

  “Yes, I just wanted to talk to you. But you got so scared. I had to erase it.”

  “Why? What did you do to me?”

  “Nothing, Ara. It’s just… you weren’t ready to talk to me the first few times. Not until after I saved you.”

  “And we’ve been meeting here since then, doing God-knows-what?” I looked around the field, the place I came to each night to betray my one true love.

  “We haven’t done anything wrong, Ara. I wouldn’t let you do that, but I…”—he looked at my lips, his shoulders sinking—”I did let you kiss me last time.”

  I felt numb all the way through my soul. What would David say, what would he think to know I was twisted enough to fall for the very man who tortured and tried to kill me—his own brother for that matter? And what was wrong with me that my heart jumped so easily from one guy to the next, never truly letting go of the one before? Surely this meant I had some major psychological issues. Mike, David, Jason. Even Eric.

  “It’s not what you think it is,” Jason said softly.

  “What’s not?”

  “Your heart—this apparent love you have for all these different guys, Ara. That’s not you—”

  “What would you know?”

  “I know more than you think—”

  “You practically called me a slut the other day—”

  “That’s not what I meant. I just meant that… look, what happened with you and Mike at the lake—”

  “You know about that?”

  He just smiled and continued. “That wasn’t you either. And it wasn’t him. Think about who you are at your core, as a person. And think about who Mike is.”

  It did seem out of character for him, especially since he loves Emily and also respects David.

  “You’re not confused about your feelings for him, and you’re not confused about your feelings for David, or for me. If you weren’t both addicted to blood, what happened at the lake would never have happened, and my brother knows that. That’s why he hasn’t reacted the way you expect him to.”

  “Then why wouldn’t he say that to me so I don’t feel like such a jerk?”

  “I don’t know. All I know for sure is that you don’t love Mike the way the blood is convincing you that you do. It’s all carnal. It’s all lust. You love him as a friend and nothing more, but blood is complicating things, and until you get used to it—until you learn to distinguish the difference between blood lust and real love—you’re going to make mistakes, Ara.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes! You can’t hate yourself or judge yourself for that, because that’s not who you are; you’re not confused, and you’re not a slut. And you’re not stuck in some love triangle either—at least, not with Mike.”

  “But I apparently am with you?”

  “It’s not your fault. There’s so much you don’t know.”

  “I know he’ll never forgive me,” I concluded. “He doesn’t care whether I’m under the influence of blood or if I’m mentally screwed from all the trauma I’ve been through in life. He only cares what’s in my heart, and what I do with it.”

  “You see, and that’s why I can’t let you have these memories. You didn’t mean to fall for me.” He pushed my hand down to stop me chewing my thumb. “And I never meant for that to happen, either. But it did, and now we have to deal with this as best we can.”

  “Deal with it?” I said, incredulous. “How do we deal with it?”

  “By keeping quiet until he’s gone. Then I’ll come to you. I’ll give you back the memories and stay with you forever, Ara.” He rose to his knees in front of me, gently taking both my hands. “I will never abandon you like he did.”

  “This is wrong.” I shoved Jason back on his ass and stood up. “I have to tell David.”

  “Ara, he’ll leave now if you do.”

  I stopped and looked down at him. “He deserves the truth.”

  “Yes, but when he looks at you, when he grabs you and tells you he hates you for the way you
feel, you’ll die inside. And I can’t bear that.”

  “He won’t hate me, Jason. He’ll hate you. Just like I do.”

  “Yes.” He pushed up off the ground like a human and came to stand before me. “He will hate me, Ara, but you won’t—because you don’t hate me now.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “No. You want to hate me, because you know you should, and you can’t understand why you don’t.”

  “I—” My words escaped me.

  “It’s true, isn’t it?” He gently linked his fingertips with mine, standing palm to palm with me. “You told me that—your very own words, right before you kissed me.”

  “You’re a liar!”

  “I would never lie to you. I have nothing to gain from this.”

  “Except to see your brother hurting.”

  “That’s what you think this is about?” He let me pull my hand from his. “Ara, I just… that’s so far from the truth I can’t even find the words to defend it.”

  “No, you can’t find those words because there is no defending it. You fabricated this supposed love, and you did it to hurt David.” I turned quickly away from his stunned expression, but he appeared in front of me.

  “Ara, do you really believe that—do you really believe I’m making this up?”

  “I don’t know, Jason.” I pressed my forehead to my fingertips. “I need to clear my head.”

  “Clear it here—with me.”

  My eyes filled with tears while I studied his face, feeling things I didn’t want to feel, but knew, all the same, that I did. And the worst part was, they were my feelings. I could tell by how deeply they rose from within, charging me with heat and numbness all at the same time. But how could I have felt anything other than hatred? It couldn’t be true.

  “But it is true. Please, Ara, don’t go. I don’t want to lose another person I love.”

  “You can’t lose what was never yours.”

  His hand edged toward me. “Don’t say that. You don’t know how much it kills me.”

  “How could I know? I don’t know you. I don’t know anything about you. This is all—” I held my hand out to this world I was stuck in, lost for words. “This isn’t real.”

  “It is. And if you go… I can’t erase this meeting, Ara. I—” He stood up from the fold he’d placed himself in by ache of my words, and looked around as if searching for an answer. “We’ve fought, disagreed. If I erase this, it’d be like I’m trying to keep it from you—to sway your confusion. I have to let you remember this one, but…”

  “But?” I prompted.

  His eyes flickered, bringing him out of his intense, sad stare. “Well, if I do, you won’t come back here again, will you?”

  “It’s not right.”

  He nodded, wiping a hand across his lip. “All of them,” he whispered so quietly I strained to hear. “You know this story, Ara. I’ve lost everyone. I have no one left.” His voice broke, and the depth of his sadness in those emerald eyes seemed to bore right into my soul, as if I did know the story; as if I understood him completely. “Please. I’m begging you, just believe me. Even if you want to hate me for what you feel, please don’t write it off as a lie, because it’s not.”

  “Yes, it is!” It had to be. “I don’t have feelings for you—you’re a monster,” I yelled. “I hate you!”

  “You don’t hate me, Ara.” Jason grabbed my wrist, pulling me closer. “You’re angry at me now, I know that, but you—”

  “Get off me! Let me go,” I cried, raging tears pushing out over my cheeks.

  “I can erase the kiss,” he said. “If that’s what’s upset you, I can—”

  “No! It’s not true. I would never kiss you.” I tugged my arm in his grip, trying to break free. “Let me go. Let me go!”

  “Ara!” Cold arms trapped me, pinning me down. “Ara!”

  “No!” I kicked, wriggling about in his embrace. “I’d never kiss you. I hate you. I hate you.”

  “Is she okay?”

  “Ara, wake up!” Mike’s voice came softly into my ear.

  My eyes flashed open to a very concerned, very confused pair of faces looking down at me.

  “Ara?” Mike frowned. “Are you okay, baby?”

  I blinked, sitting up a little in my bed. “Mike, David—why are you here?”

  “I heard you screaming.” Mike looked at David.

  “Ara…” David smoothed my tangled hair from my face. “What were you dreaming about, sweetheart?”

  A flash of memory struck my mind: blue, silver, moonlight, and… Jason. His arms, our skin, my hair brushing against his shoulder, my face turning slightly as he leaned toward me and…

  “Nothing. I—” I looked at the memory again, watching myself kiss him. “I don’t remember.”

  “Liar.” Mike shook his head, folding his arms as he stood back. “You’ve always been a terrible liar. David?” He nodded at him then. “Read her mind.”

  “No, I won’t do that to her. She has a right to her own thoughts.” David lay back on the bed, as if he’d been there all night, and not on the couch—away from me. “If she wishes to tell me, I’m sure she will.”

  Mike huffed and walked away, stopping by my door. “I can help you, Ara. Whatever it is that’s giving you nightmares, I have always helped you through it.”

  But he couldn’t this time. I was sick and twisted and masochistic. There was no help for me. “I know, Mike. I’m sorry. I’ll tell you if I remember.”

  The door closed behind him and a pair of eyes burned into the side of my face. David leaned on his hand, smiling. “You know, don’t you?”

  “Know what?” I rubbed my face.

  “You remember your dream.” David waited with an expectant arch to his brow.

  “No. I don’t remember.” I rolled away and covered myself with the blanket, afraid to fall asleep again.

  “Was it Mike—is that why you were screaming I hate you?”

  “I don’t hate him,” I scoffed into my blanket.

  “You want to be with him?” David asked softly.

  “Sometimes. Not like I want you, though. It’s just hard to explain.”

  “So conflicted, my Ara,” he sung, tracing a line over the base of my neck then down my spine. “So, what are you going to do? Wait for me to leave and then sleep with him?”

  “David?” I looked over my shoulder at him, disgusted that he said that.

  “Just asking,” he said, palms up.

  “Maybe if you’d sleep with me I wouldn’t have desires for him anymore, since I’d be bound to you.”

  “True, but when I leave, how will you move on?”

  “Easy, don’t leave.” I grinned.

  His round eyes focused, seeming to contemplate a thousand scenarios behind them all at once as he stared at my face. “Go back to sleep.” He stood up and walked to the door. “You’re clouding my mind.”

  * * *

  Things kept playing over in my head, like a song with no ending note. I couldn’t fight the battle of conscience—there was no winning. I’d dreamed of kissing the man who tried to kill me. Had actually kissed my best friend, tearing Emily’s heart out in the process. And the worst part was, the only thing I kept thinking about was how I felt in my dream last night; how close I felt to Jason, how… safe. That little dream world had more of a hold on me than I wanted to admit.

  A part of me wondered if he was right—if Jason was right about my feelings for Mike being based on blood addiction. Sometimes I was so resolved in how I felt, and it would all flutter away in one simple look from Mike or one gorgeous smile. Was my pendulum heart a reflection of who I was, of what I’d been through, or was it really because of blood?

  I sat drumming one set of fingers on the table, propping my chin up with the others, letting the horrid coffee I made myself go cold. It was more of a prop anyway; an excuse to sit out here and listen to David and Emily giggling and mucking about while making food they didn’t really need to eat.

  I t
hink, of all the people I hurt over the past few days, Emily was hurt most. But she didn’t show it. Instead, she was calm, believing she had no right to be hurt by what happened with Mike and me because he no longer wanted her.

  I’d have slapped me if I were her. Then, who’s to say she wasn’t planning a revenge strike? The way her and David talked and laughed with each other, it would be easy enough for her to do with David what I did with Mike. I mean, David was clearly smitten with her.

  I looked over my shoulder and watched them scuffling around in the kitchen: Emily playing keep-off with a spoon, and David, despite having arms long enough to grab it in one go, tickled her ribs, taking the playful route to get what he wanted.

  Funny thing was though, I didn’t even know if he would want her if she offered. He’d never really talked about a preference to blondes or brunettes; never really mentioned anything to do with girls in his past. I mean, everyone has an ex story, right? And sharing them is a part of getting to know each other, but David never shared anything. Wouldn’t surprise me if he’d been with other humans before and only told me he hadn’t. Wasn’t like I’d ever find out. For all I knew, given that he didn’t normally put up with my kind of rubbish, David was the kind of guy who liked sexy blondes with great careers, or independent women who could run home businesses, juggling emails and phone calls while making casseroles.

  I leaned on my hand. Judging from the sort of guy he was, it seemed odd that he even fell for me in the first place.

  The movement in the kitchen stopped then. I turned my peripheral gaze to the pair by the fridge, seeing Emily nudge David playfully with her elbow, him responding with a whisper to her ear. I wondered if they could see me sitting here, or if they didn’t care that it hurt me to see them behave that way. Emily even went as far as to offer a sympathetic smile as she passed me, closing her bedroom door. I returned it, because even though she was flirting with my vampire, I wanted things to be okay between us.

  Silence seeped into the house again. I could feel David’s stare burning into my back. If he wanted to make me hurt, it worked. I never thought of the possibility that he may be human inside—that he may be capable of straying from me, capable of getting sick of me—capable of retaliation.