Doubled or Nothing

by Warren Esby

  “And speaking of good government policy, watching pornography is just a small but an important example of good government policy. It is government policy that the average citizen shouldn’t be uncomfortable or stressed about anything. That would not be politically correct. Pornography played a very important role in the development of the internet which allowed people to be more comfortable and less stressed about watching pornography. People didn’t have to go to a theater where someone they knew might see them, and they didn’t have to embarrass themselves by going to a video store to buy or rent a video which would make the average person uncomfortable. But with the internet, no one had to be uncomfortable about watching pornography. They could just down load what they wanted to watch from the comfort of their home or government office in front of their own computer or the one the government had given them to use, and they could get as close to the screen as they wanted. You’d be surprised how many personal computers are used to view pornography and how much pornography was an incentive for the internet to improve as far as down load speed and high definition and all. And government workers were at the forefront of this development. They could sit in their offices and watch it. They didn’t have to go and rent a video. And the demand by government workers for better and better ways to watch pornography, and the fact that so many of them watched so much of it, made the demand even higher. Anyway, the whole point of my explanation and the answer to your question is simple. If government workers view illegal pornography, it’s legal because it helps to develop the internet and it’s good government policy, but if someone in the private sector does, it’s not.”

  I told them I now understood even though I didn’t completely and then I said, “So I have another question. They say that seeing is believing, so if you are in the private sector and say that you don’t believe that you’ve seen illegal pornography, then have you really seen it? I mean a lot of people watching pornography often say, ‘I don’t believe this,’ or, ‘I don’t believe what I’m seeing.’ So if you see it and don’t believe it, are you still guilty?”

  Jerry said he thought that was a question that only the government lawyers could answer and didn’t know if anyone had tried to use that as a defense. Ben said he didn’t really understand the point I was trying to make at all because to him it was cut and dried. He said if you’re in the private sector, believe it or not, you’re guilty and if you’re in the public sector, believe it or not, you aren’t. Since I didn’t believe they saw my point, I dropped it. In fact they didn’t even try to understand my point because they had finished the doughnuts, and I realized I hadn’t even had one and couldn’t pass judgment as to whether they were very good or excellent. And then I asked the most important question.

  “How are we going to get this memory chip to the Russians? Vladimir was the only one of our sleeper cell who had contact with them, and they don’t trust me anymore so I couldn’t give it to them if I wanted to, and I don’t want to contact them until they have it and decide to let me live again. It’s kind of a Catch 22 position for me.”

  “Good point. Well, Boris knows about you now as a result of having to get Igor and Vladimir released from that Mexican jail. I’ll find out if we can use him to pass it on. He may be able to get extra credit for it himself and everyone will be happy. We’ll get back to you during the week. Just hold on to the chip for now. You do a very good job of taking care of it.”

  “And you’re not concerned about the Russians having a perfectly good guidance system for a stealth drone?”

  “Not really. They don’t have much of a drone program themselves and we don’t have drones that we send over Russia, so it’s not going to be too valuable to them. And by the time they develop their own program, we’ll be even further ahead.”

  Chapter 35

  Ben and Jerry did get back to me a few days later and told me it was a go. That I should plan on going down to give the chip to Boris the next weekend and he would pass it on. He was happy to do it for he would get extra credit, and he was even more pleased to hear that Igor and Vladimir were dead. He knew his bosses would be pleased since he had been told he might be asked to get someone to kill them himself. Olga wanted to go and see for herself that it was delivered and promised that once she saw the transfer take place, Olga would cease to exist. Ben told me it would be the last thing I had to do to fully qualify for the Alpha Rho Alpha 50-3 program. As a favor, I offered to drive his old Cadillac Escalade Hybrid down to Rosarito Beach and have Olga follow me in the Expedition so that I would have transportation back. He couldn’t thank me enough for arranging for the theft of the government vehicle he was entrusted with.

  We traveled down in a mini parade of one Escalade Hybrid and one Ford Expedition the following Saturday at the usual time, although I don’t know if two vehicles qualify as being an official parade. We were expected. They were all standing outside when we drove up including Boris this time. Mr. Straw Hat Policeman and Mr. Cowboy Policeman both said that it was good to see their amigo and amiga again. The Si Si Riders both said, “Si, Si.” Mr. Straw Hat Policeman then asked me,

  “Senor, why two vehicles?”

  I handed him the keys to the Escalade and said, “Por La Senora.”

  He grinned and said, “Gracias amigo,” and came over and patted me on the back. I then gave Boris an envelope that contained the memory chip. All he said was, “Da.” He didn’t even thank me. I got into the driver’s side of the Expedition and Olga got into the passenger seat. We waved goodbye and we were off. I wish I could say it was an uneventful trip back San Diego, but it wasn’t. We got stopped at the border and they went over that Expedition as if they expected to find drugs in it. They even had a dog sniff all around it, and it wasn’t a nice dog like Muffy. It growled at me if it thought I was too close, and it was my Expedition it was sniffing. I thought maybe if they said, “nice dog” to it once in a while during the time it was doing its sniffing job it would have been nicer, but they didn’t, and I wasn’t about to make suggestions to them about how to treat their dog. At least it had the courtesy not to lift its leg and pee on my truck tire, but then again it may have been a female. I didn’t bother to look.

  Well, they didn’t find anything, and we traveled the rest of the way to Laundromat Town without further incident. Anya told me that now that the chip had been passed on, she wanted to make a final trip back east to see the Federovs one last time and tell them that Ivor’s mission had been accomplished and that the data he had stolen was on its way to Mother Russia and they could return there in peace themselves. She said she would fly the next morning and fly back the following day. It should not take long. I promised we would buy her Porsche as soon as she got back. I told her that she should be careful because now that Boris had seen both of us and knew we had given him Ivor’s information, she was no longer any safer than I was. She said she would have to leave her Beretta behind since she couldn’t take it on the plane and we both worried about it, but she was determined to go anyway and she only planned to be there for less than twenty four hours.

  We found Ben and Jerry in front of the gelato place when we got back and told Ben the good news about his Escalade being safely stolen and to put in an order for the new one. I then asked him about my retirement plans. Now that the Russians had what they wanted, I wasn’t so sure it was in their best interest that I should live, and Boris had seen Olga as well. They said that I should plan to give my notice on Monday to the Salk Institute and prepare to leave in two weeks. They would have everything set up for us to disappear then. I would only have to stay alive for two more weeks as Alex Astrov. That did not turn out to be as easy as you would expect.

  I had mixed emotions about going in to give notice for a job for which I had gone through four years of training to attain and was very good at. I knew if I ever wanted to work in the field again, it would not look good to have on my resume that my first job had lasted less than six months. It would not help me get my next job in that field. Of course it woul
d also not help me get my next job if my resume said deceased either, although there did seem to be dead people who still had jobs running institutes. For example I worked at the Salk Institute and Jonas Salk had died years before, although some people said he was dead even before then. Well, sometimes you have to do something that is not in your best interest that is in your best interest. And that was the present case.

  That night, Anya and I decided to celebrate and we went down to La Jolla and ate at George’s-at-the-Cove which was a very well-known and well liked restaurant that was, in fact, at the cove, at La Jolla Cove. In fact we had a table that had a view of the cove, in other words a table at the cove. It was a very good and a very expensive restaurant, and we went there because it was very expensive and we could afford a very expensive restaurant. I asked the waiter if they had a restaurant called George’s-by-the-Sea in Cardiff-by-the-Sea, but he only sniffed and said they were not a chain like Il Fornaio. Well la di da, I thought, but I didn’t know Il Fornaio was a chain and I did know that the Italian food there was every bit as good as at George’s-at-the-Cove and cheaper, although I didn’t really have any Italian food at George’s-at-the-Cove, so I didn’t really know that. I just imagined that it wouldn’t have been any better and wouldn’t have been as cheap if they did have it. And the one thing I was very happy about was that Olga died that night. Anya threw the black wig in a trash can outside the restaurant before we went in. I told her I didn’t want her to ever wear a black wig again and that was something I intended to be very pigheaded about. She laughed when I said that and came over and kissed me and told me that now she would have to choose new colors. I asked her how she had chosen the colors red and black to go together and she told me.

  “It’s all because of ‘The Red and the Black.’”

  I replied with surprise, “Really? You liked that book by Stendhal? It’s very difficult reading.” I was really impressed, but then she said,

  “What book? I’m talking about the song by Blue Oyster Cult.” And then I saw her eyes brighten and she said, “Those will be my new colors. Light blue and oyster grey. Those should go together as well as the red and the black.” And I agreed.

  “You’re right. A light blue and silvery grey will go much better with your blonde hair, much better than red and black. You really have a sense of color and style.” She smiled. I could tell she liked my compliment.

  Chapter 36

  Anya went back east that Monday. I drove her down to the airport and saw her go through security. She gave me her Beretta to keep for her until she got back. I went back to the Salk Institute and went in to see my research leader in his office. His secretary said he was busy, but I said it was very important. She said she would check, but his line was busy and she said I would have to wait. I asked her to please check to see if he could possibly be interrupted and see me right away because there was something so critical that was about to happen in two weeks that if he didn’t know about it today, it would be too late. I was of course talking about my two week notice since if he didn’t receive it that day, he would have less than two weeks of notice. She said she would stick her head in the door and check, and as soon as she opened his door to peek in, I walked by her and into his office. He was at his computer and he could look at it while he was facing the Pacific, and he did have an absolutely spectacular view of the Pacific, but he wasn’t looking at the view. He was playing a video game. I guess familiarity breeds contempt, but you had to be stupid to be contemptuous of the Pacific Ocean. After all, there were sharks out there. Anyway he did gain some of my respect back because he wasn’t watching pornography. He turned and asked what in hell I was doing in there and why had I just barged in without being invited and he was tempted to have me terminated. I said I hoped that would be possible because I had come in to resign and termination was an alternative form of ending my employment with him that was equally acceptable and probably would be more advantageous since it would allow me to collect unemployment compensation, which the first option wouldn’t have. He then said something very profound which you would only expect from a hot shot research leader. He said, “Huh?”

  I told him I had to resign for personal reasons and not to worry about the unemployment compensation. By this time he had shut off his computer screen and was no longer embarrassed by what had been on it and seemed to have forgiven me for barging in. He asked his secretary to leave and then he turned back to me and asked the only question that was appropriate.

  “Why?”

  I told him it was personal and I had to leave to take care of a very close member of my family who was in danger of dying and I wouldn’t be coming back to the field until I knew whether or not that person was out of danger. He said he understood but he didn’t. The close member of my family that was in danger of dying was of course me. I told him I would have to leave in two weeks and would do my best to pass my skills on to whoever he wanted me to pass them on to. He thanked me for that consideration and did compliment me by telling me that although I had been there for less than six months, I was definitely the best at doing what I did of anyone he had ever had and that, in his discussions with Lorenzo Toro, he knew Lorenzo felt the same way. I then took a trip up to HypeTech and told the Legend himself. He said he was unhappy to see me go and on a personal note, he thought I better get my allergy straightened out because I hadn’t made a bit of progress getting fat while I had been at HypeTech. He then shook my hand and gave me a parting gift, a giant-sized bag of Famous Amos cookies for the road.

  I did my best for the next two days and even told Astrid that I was leaving. I gave her a giant-sized bag of Famous Amos cookies as a parting gift. She didn’t seem to be that concerned that I was leaving. She had a new boyfriend, and I think she was relieved that I would not be around and she would not have to introduce me to him. I had seen him with her a few times in the past week. He was a weight lifter and had massive arms and a huge chest, and you really wouldn’t want to have him give you any sort of hug or get into an arm wrestling contest with him because you would surely regret it. He had a very small waist and the last time I saw him he had on shorts and I was surprised to see that he had very skinny legs. They were smaller than my legs and I don’t have particularly large legs. They were almost like toothpicks. I was glad I was leaving because it was bad enough to have to see Astrid and her big sister walking around, but to see her walking along next to Carl and his little brother was absolutely ludicrous, but it does give meaning to the observation that opposites attract.

  I picked Anya up without incident that Tuesday late in the afternoon at the airport and the first thing I did after kissing her hello and getting into the Expedition was to give her back her Beretta which she slipped into her pale blue purse. Her new grey pant suit looked really good on her and I told her how much I liked it. We drove to Laundromat Town almost without incident. I say almost without incident because I thought I saw a black Chevrolet Suburban in the rear view mirror whenever I checked behind me and that counted as an incident. The Suburban followed us off I-5 always staying far enough back so that you couldn’t really tell it was there unless you were looking for it. We pulled into the parking lot next to the Baskin Robbins and went inside to see how Ben and Jerry were enjoying the new Flavor of the Month. I asked about the arrangements and told them I thought we were followed and that we were anxious to get into hiding as soon as the two weeks were up. I also told them to please keep an eye out for anything that looked out of the ordinary. They said of course they would. I told them not to plan on having any more gelati for the next ten days, only Baskin Robbins, even if they had to eat some flavors over again.

  I carried Anya’s new light blue suitcase across the street to the apartment. I noticed a black Suburban parked a few spaces to the side and thought the driver, who was still sitting in it, looked familiar. I told Anya to be alert. As we went across the street I heard two car doors slam behind us but didn’t turn around. We went into the apartment and I put down her bag and told he
r to get her Beretta out and stand at the back of the room along the wall on the side where the door was. I took out my Beretta and stood against the wall opposite the door but facing it with my gun aiming directly at it. Anya was aiming at the door from the side. We were two points of a triangle with the door being the third point and neither of us was in the line of fire of the other. We didn’t have long to wait. The Si Si Riders came in the door, one after the other. The first Si Si Rider shot at me as soon as he came through the door and missed and both Anya and I shot at him at the same time. She shot him in the ear and I shot him in the eye. The second Si Si Rider came in right behind him and turned and shot at Anya and missed and tried to shoot at her a second time but his gun jammed, and I shot him in the ear and she shot him in the eye at the same time. I would have liked to describe this as an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth so there would have been a biblical explanation for their deaths, but it was an eye for an ear and an ear for an eye and there was no dental procedure required. Just on cue, Ben and Jerry came rushing in, once again expertly assessed the situation and once again shot a few times into each body for good measure.