True Abandon

by Jeannine Colette

  His mouth opens in shock. It must be the one question he doesn’t have the answer to.

  He pulls on his hair, more gently this time. His face is wet with the tears he spilled. He’s still gripping the pole of the sail as he looks out in the water. “You don’t believe it, but I did try to talk to you. Your father wouldn’t let me, and neither would mine. I went back to school and found myself lost. I was just like you are now. For years, I told myself I wasn’t good enough to be a lawyer because I was the asshole who betrayed you. I dropped out of school. I drank myself into an oblivion and did stupid shit like land in a hospital in New York. I’ve been punishing myself. But I’m done, Trish. And it’s time you are, too. We need to stop doing this and move on. We deserve happiness.”

  I close my eyes and swallow down my tears. With a clenched fist, I listen to the breeze as it hits the sail. There’s a soothing heat that builds from behind me as the sun pours down on me, bathing me in its energy.

  As much as I hate everything he just said, I can’t deny one thing.

  He’s right.

  For years, I’ve used what he’s done to me as an excuse. Yes, I was hurt, but I should never have let it define me. Every guy I’ve dated, every chance at true intimacy was sabotaged. I’ve come close to getting the positions I wanted, but my fear of failure was masked by the story of my past I kept in my head. At the forefront, ready to be used at any given time.

  I’m still holding onto the necklace. The rose is practically indented into my thumb. I unclench my hand and raise it up to unclasp the necklace.

  With the rose in my hand, the chain dangling from my fingertips, I look at it one last time. “You’re right. About all of it,” I whisper. “I did love you. And now it’s over.” With one final tear, I throw the necklace overboard and say goodbye to nine years of holding on.

  Jax’s eyes are trained on the spot where I threw the necklace. His brows are curved down, and his mouth is pursed. His hand rises to his cheek and wipes the spots under his eyes. He takes a deep breath and just stares.

  I go back to looking out into the coral reef and the place where we finally say goodbye to our past.

  I hear a splash and see Jax has jumped into the water. He swims to the front of the boat and starts pulling us back to shore.

  Chapter THIRTEEN

  “You seem distracted,” Kelli’s words temporarily snap me out of my thoughts.

  I blink and stare at her standing in our kitchen, stirring a glass of iced tea.

  “Just thinking about something that happened today at work.” I pick up my dinner plate and walk it over to the counter. I only took a few bites of my burrito before I lost myself in thought. Knowing I won’t finish it, I wrap it up and toss it in the fridge.

  When I return, I startle at the fact that someone now occupies my seat. A man with a baldhead and no shirt sits at our table pouring himself a bowl of cereal.

  “Hey,” he says nonchalantly.

  “Trish, this is Roland.” Kelli walks over and takes a seat on his jean-clad knee. His arm slings around her waist as he takes a bite of honey oats.

  “Let me guess. Your four o’clock?” I say.

  She widens her eyes, letting me know my sass is not welcome this morning. With eyes darting to the man behind her, she says, “My boss.”

  Roland gives a half-hearted wave with the hand still around Kelli’s waist and then resumes holding her and eating.

  “Okay, then. I’ll be in my room.” I grab my purse and look around for my phone and keys.

  “Are you going to the bonfire tomorrow?” she asks.

  When I located my keys and phone, I look at the screen on my cell and see I have zero missed calls or texts.

  “What did you ask?” I turn my phone off and toss it into my bag.

  Kelli’s eyes narrow. Her glossy, short brown hair is perfectly straight and hanging by her chin as she stares at me. “Everything okay with you?”

  “It’s late, and I’m exhausted. I’m gonna go to sleep.” I thumb towards my room and start to walk away before I remember my manners. “Nice to meet you, Roland.”

  “Same here.”

  Kelli contemplates me with her head tilted to the side. I’m usually not so kind to her guests. Probably because they’re usually some tourist, passing through for the evening. A stranger who could have an aversion to steal or kill. I mean, really, you never know.

  The fact she brought her boss home could be a good thing or, she could do something royally stupid and be out of a job. Either way, I’m just not in the position to voice my opinion—my own matters of the heart are a bit all over the place.

  In my room, I toss my bag on my bed and then my body. Staring up at the ceiling, I try to remember when I felt so…numb.

  I lift my hand to my chest and fumble for my pendant—it’s not there.

  With a gasp, I sit up and cover my face with my hands, and my elbows fall to my knees.

  I can’t believe I let it go.

  I let him go.

  I let all of it go.

  Dropping to the ground, I look under my bed and pull the box out from beneath it. My hands still at the top, unsure if this is really what I want to do. And then, I rip open the lid and unlock my past.

  I haven’t touched a thing, and my eyes are already blurred from moisture that building. I shake it off and lift the photo at the top.

  It’s my Jackson—eighteen years old and in the driver’s seat of his brand-new car. His baseball cap is on backward, and his shaggy hair peeks out from the edges. He has one hand on the wheel, and the other is holding mine. He’s laughing—God, he has a great laugh. I haven’t heard it, really heard it in years.

  The next pictures are of us—selfies before that was even a thing. Everywhere we went, we took pictures together: duck faces at a concert, cheek to cheek in front of our old school, fists bump after a big lacrosse win, glamorous at his prom, his diploma when he graduated, and my favorite, the two of us kissing by the lake.

  The last one in the stack nearly steals my breath away. We’re standing at a grocery store, Jax’s holding me from behind with his nose buried in my neck and an infectious grin plastered to his face. I have on zero makeup, my hair is in a messy bun—but that girl, she’s full of life, joy, and most importantly, love.

  Concert tickets and dried-up rose petals. A napkin from that ice cream place where he first kissed me on the cheek, and a Coke can I saved from the day he asked me out in the school cafeteria. I even have the movie stub from our first date. I was fifteen and delirious with excitement that the Jackson Davis had asked me out.

  We dated for six months. So many dreams were shared, secrets admitted, and kisses stolen.

  There’s a bunch of hand written notes—love letters—at the bottom of the box that he used to leave in my locker. Nostalgia washes over me at the sight of his messy handwriting that once made my heart soar.

  I can’t help the grin that lifts my lips at the doodled initials along the border of the page—not from me, but him. What boy draws hearts and letters like they’re carved into a tree? Jackson did.

  Can you see the ridiculousness of what you’ve done to me? I’m sitting in Mr. Cal’s trig class + writing Jackson loves Trish all over my paper. What is wrong with me? Don’t answer that. I know there’s a shit ton wrong with my head. If there wasn’t, I wouldn’t be sitting here thinking about how I’d escape if our school was overrun by terrorists. For the record — I’d play dead and wait until they left the room assuming there were no survivors. I’d use the letter opener on Mr. Cal’s desk to pry open the air vent and climb through it to get to you in American History. The letter opener doubles as a knife so if I have to kill, I will just to get you out of there. Again, do you see what you’ve done to me? In my master escape plan, I’m trying to find a way to save YOU before I make my escape. Don’t worry - I’m working on how to save Ella next. So, yeah, I think it’s safe to say I’m kinda of obsessed with you. In a good way. I promise I won’t become some crazy stalker. We
ll, I might stalk a little.

  I surprise myself by letting out a loud laugh. God he’s cheesy. There are a dozen notes here. Some sentimental and other are kinda lame, in an adorable way. I suppose it shouldn’t have surprised me he grew up to be a musician. He never had a problem putting his thoughts and feelings to paper. I open up the next one—it’s short but impossibly sweet.

  Fact. Our kids will have brown eyes. Learning a lot today. Since neither of our have parents with blue eyes, we are destined to have all brown eyed children. See, don’t ever say I don’t pay attention in school. Now, I’m trying to figure out how to make sure they don’t get your nasty toes. ; ) The genetic Gods will prevail!

  That note was written before we even had sex. A time when joking about what your kids would look like was funny because you’re not worried about the what-if of it really happening. That was the note that caused me broach the topic of when I might be ready. I wasn’t then but told him I would be soon.

  Meet me by my car after school. I have a surprise for you. And, no, it’s not a miniature pig.

  That was the day he bought me a cell phone. My parents were strict. Not only was I not allowed to date, but I also couldn’t have a phone. We spent many nights whispering under the covers. It was during those nights I learned the only reason he wanted to be a lawyer was to please his father. I shared with him my most embarrassing stories, including the time I walked around grade school with my skirt tucked into my tights for an entire class before Ella told me.

  He expressed his annoyance with not being able to tell anyone we were a couple. I asked him to wait. At least this way, my parents let me go to Ella’s house, which also acted as a diversion to see him. Especially at two o’clock in the morning when everyone else was asleep.

  Despite my parents’ no-boys rule, I was able to get out frequently. In those six months, we spent a lot of time together. So much so, we were connected on a level I had never experienced with anyone else. Based on the note in my hands, neither had he.

  Dear Triciana,

  I just saw you. You didn’t see me because you were rushing to class. It was only for a second, but that short second was all I needed. I can’t believe what you do to me, and I swear it’s more than just what you do to me in my pants. I feel it in my heart.

  I never knew what being in-love would feel like. My parents aren’t the most affectionate people in the world. They’re just two people who exist in the same house and have children together.

  That’s what I thought relationships were until I met you. You with this vibrant personality and kind heart. You who tutors kids for free and volunteers at the food shelter. You who is the smartest person I know and is going to make an incredible journalist one day. You who is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life. And you said you loved me too.

  I still can’t believe it. Part of me wonders if you only said it because I said it first. If so – that’s okay. I just want you to know I don’t care if you’re not fully there yet. I just couldn’t hold back from telling you how I felt.

  The truth is I love you so damn much it scares me.

  I love the way you giggle when you laugh and how you scrunch your nose when you think I’m being stupid. I love the way you chew on all of your pen caps or how you paint one nail a different color from the rest. I love the way you can read a book in a day and how you always have a plan for everything. I love the way you watch the news like you’re studying for an exam and how you dance in the passenger seat of my car. I love that you put strawberry jam on your turkey sandwich even though it’s vile and how you still believe Honey Crisp is the superior apple to all the rest. I love you when you’re sick and have a nose red and full of snot and I love you even in that horrible pink shirt that makes you look like a seventy-year-old retiree. I love the way you hold my hand when I drive and I love the way you feel when you lie down in my arms.

  I want to thank you because now I know what being in-love feel likes and I don’t ever want it to end. I know we’re young, but I promise no matter what I’ll always be here. Love that feels this good, love this powerful, can’t ever be turned off.

  Jackson

  chapter FOURTEEN

  Walking into the Kauai Princess, my eyes linger toward the corridor leading to the Pele suite. There’s a woman walking down the hall, so I turn and make my way to the reception desk.

  “You left early yesterday,” Lani appears beside me as I log in and wait for my desktop to load. My attention drifts to the corridor that leads to Jax’s suite.

  “Tired. Long day.” My mouse rolls over the reservation log.

  I’m about to click on it when Lani says, “He didn’t check out.”

  I turn to face her. “What makes you think I’m looking to see if he’s still here?” I tap on the desk and look around the room before finally giving into her smirk. “So he’s still here?”

  “Yup!” she chirps with a gleeful look. “Been up since the crack of dawn.”

  “Good. I mean, I want to make sure my guests have the best experience. Wait,” I spin toward Lani who is now on the other side of me at her computer. “Why was he up so early?”

  “He’s been snorkeling in the bay. He rented a boat and has been out there all morning. This wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with you two being out there yesterday, would it? That man pulled your boat all the way in and as soon as you hit the sand, you bolted out the door.”

  I narrow my eyes at her. “Lani—”

  “It’s none of my business of course.” She adjusts the pens on the desk and lines them up like little soldiers. “There’s just been such an interesting turn of events with the two of you—very interesting for someone you’ve never met.”

  “What has your grandmother told you?”

  “Ah ha!” She points her finger at me. “I knew there was something big going on between you and Olivia Benson.”

  I cringe. “Please don’t call him that anymore.”

  “Tutu didn’t say a word. Now that I know she has intel I’ll have to pry it out of her.”

  “Don’t you dare!” I bite my lip and stare out the window, not able to see the bay at all. “So he’s just snorkeling? Like, he’s looking for fish?”

  “Beats me. Thought you’d know.” She looks like she’s about to say something else when her eyes shoot up to the other side of the room. “Well, hello there Mr. Sexy.”

  Across the lobby, walking in through the main doors is a man with jet-black hair and olive skin. His spectacular build is accented by form-fitted, gray dress pants and a white dress shirt with a button undone at the top.

  He walks over to the reception desk and lowers his sunglasses to reveal piercing, blue eyes as clear as the ocean.

  “Aloha! Welcome to the Kauai Princess,” Lani greets him with a sultry tilt in her voice.

  The man adjusts the leather computer bag on his arm. “I’m looking for Trish Hogan.”

  I lean in. “I’m Trish. How can I help you?”

  He holds out a hand. “I’m Eric Duvane.”

  I blink at him for a moment, searching my brain for recognition, and then it hits me. “Mr. Duvane. Yes! I have you in the Maui suite.” I fumble with the mouse of my computer to look up his information.

  I’ve been so flustered by Jax’s arrival, I forgot about Mr. Duvane’s on Tuesday—today. His travel plans were confirmed weeks ago as were the arrangements for him to plan an event here this weekend.

  “I’m sorry. My computer is freezing up. It’ll just take a second.” I fumble with the wireless mouse, almost dropping it on the floor before making a quick save and bringing it back up to the counter.

  Eric eyes me inquisitively. Instead of being pissed that his three thousand-dollars-a-night room is not prepared, he leans forward on his elbows and grins. “You forgot about me.”

  “No. Absolutely not. I have everything prepared. As soon as this damn, excuse me, as this machine behaves, I’ll have a key for you.” I click on the program, but it keeps freezing. />
  I look up with an apologetic look. Eric is grinning at me, and it’s bewitching. There’s something in his playful gaze and the way he’s chuckling that has me throw my hands up and admit, “I forgot you were coming.”

  “I knew it,” he says with a deep rumble in his voice. “I’m trained to read people. You, my friend, are an easy tell.”

  “Hey. Who are you calling easy?” My words come out more teasing than I meant.

  Lani gives me a nudge and then hands me a key card. “My machine works just fine. Why don’t you show Mr. Duvane to his suite?” She prods me again, unsubtly I might add.

  Stepping around the desk. “Do you have many bags?”

  “They’re with the bell hop.”

  “Excellent.” I motion for the employee who has Eric’s luggage to follow.

  Eric and I walk side by side toward the elevator that leads to his room. I hit the button, and the doors open right up. The bell boy lets us ride up first and will take the next trip.

  When the doors close, it’s just Eric and me in the small elevator car.

  “So, you work with Alexander Asher?” I say in an attempt to show him I remember the details of his travel plans.

  “Yes. You used to work for him, too. He speaks highly of you.”

  “Thank you. Well, thank him. The feeling is mutual.” Thankfully, the doors open quickly, and we are in the foyer that has two sets of double doors. I cast a glance at Jax’s room.

  Placing the key in Eric’s lock, I open it and then hold the door open for him. “Here’s your suite. Two bedrooms, two baths. The kitchen is over here, and the dining room seats eight. I understand you’ll have some guests joining you later in the week. All other travel arrangements are set, and we’ll be outside to greet them.”

  “Like how you greeted me?” he says with a smile.

  “Again, I apologize. I promise everything else about your stay will be set as planned.”