The Right Direction

by Kathy Coopmans

  My fingers curl into a fist, nails digging into my palms. I can hear my rapid breathing, see the rise and fall of my chest. I’ve missed every aspect pertaining to his adult life. It’s all my fault that I feel this fear that’s bundled into one giant knot of losing him all over again.

  “It must have cost a mint to move that here. How did you even manage?” Hesitantly, I lift my eyes to look at him. He looks the same as he did the first time he stepped inside the old wooden railcar. Older and if possible more handsome.

  The old, beat-up thing is all cleaned up. It’s refurbished and carved out, recreated into an outdoor bar. Emotions are trying to eat away at me, but the widening smile on his striking face shoves some of them away.

  “I would have spent every last penny I had to get this here, Joslyn. This was the only thing I had left of you besides what I’ve always felt in here.” He brings his right hand up and places it over the center of his chest. The one place I’d love to be lost in. His big heart. I am such a stupid fool.

  He hasn’t changed at all. Not on the inside where it counts. The man I do remember is clearly standing a few feet away from me. He’s all grown up, wiser yet still very cocky and stubborn.

  “How long have you had it?” I ask softly, reaching up and wiping away my tears. I must be a mess. I really don’t care. Roman has seen me looking a hundred times worse than this. He’s never cared what I’ve looked like.

  “Ten years. Found the owner, told him our story, and he gave it to me. Of course, I couldn’t accept it for free, not when it meant so much to us. I dug around, heard the old man’s wife died of cancer, so when he refused to take my money, I donated to cancer research. Been sending them money since.” I’m not surprised at all he would give like that. A flawless creature with a significant amount of talent who gives back. I bet he does it a lot. I couldn’t be more proud of him than I am at this moment. I have no doubt I will become more so if given a chance to catch up on what I’ve missed.

  Smothered moments pass before I realize this man has me wanting things I don’t deserve.

  I move my feet across the tiles, lift an unsteady hand, and run it down the deep, dark smoothness of the bar. “Does Gwen know about this? About you and me? I’m assuming she’s the one who leaked the information. Please say no, if only about this special place that belongs to us. We have plenty of time to deal with what’s happening outside of this house after we get through this. I have no rights here, Roman, none whatsoever when it comes to you. I’ve known all along what I did was a mistake. I can’t change it. My therapist back then, she used to tell me I had postpartum depression. I didn’t believe her until I read up on all the symptoms, and by then I thought it was too late. It wasn’t, was it?” I guess I’ve established my voice is back, because my words billow out of me like a trail of breath in the brittle, cold air.

  “It was never too late until I met her. That’s when I stopped checking on you. I mean, I didn’t stalk you, just kept an eye out to make sure you were okay. I’m not saying I didn’t stop loving you. I didn’t bother to try. I’m a loyal man, never once stepped out on her. The thing is, now that I’ve seen you again, I know I never truly loved her. She doesn’t know the meaning behind this or how much you mean to me. I never allowed her to do any decorating up here. This is the only home I kept. She got all the others. Plus a hell of a lot more than she deserves. As far as who dug up your personal information, I suspect she did.” Even though his tone is calm, it doesn’t stop the sadness billowing through me like a cold winter over the fact he must have had some kind of feelings for someone else enough to marry her.

  “I might need a lawyer of my own if I find her,” I say, trying to make light of this situation.

  “Yeah, well, the bitch isn’t worth it. Silence is the deadly killer. I never told her about you, Joslyn. My life with you was mine. She didn’t get that part of me. No other woman has. Our marriage should have never happened, but it did. Nothing can be done about it. She’s a self-centered woman, and in the end, I think she was hurting because I’d had enough of her and filed for a divorce without looking back. Our marriage was long over before I finally divorced her. She’s a cheater, a liar, and a crook. It should have been her behind bars for everything she’s done. Gwen took advantage of a private matter. I’m not going to let what she did go. Marcus is working on some things to keep her quiet. She’s not smart enough to leave well enough alone. I expect him to call any moment. Before I do anything, I need to shower. I can fix you a drink out here, or you can come in the house. Just promise me you won’t leave.”

  When my gaze skims up to meet his eyes, he’s studying me. I draw my bottom up to sit on a stool at the bar, not once flitting my sight from his. That part of his life is over and done. Thinking of what could have happened between us has never done me a bit of good when I could have reached out to him all along.

  “Well, she didn’t deserve you, that’s for sure. This railcar, though, you deserve. I’m glad you were able to get it.” An easy-going, pleased sigh leaves his lips.

  “Me too. My favorite place in this home is sitting out here. I still can’t get over this. You're really here, inside of our place with me, and you’ve been living in California. Blows my damn mind. While I’m showering, I think we both need to think about what’s really going on here. We have years between us, so the fuck what? Don’t mean shit to me, Joslyn. I don’t think either one of us could say whether we would have eventually crossed paths someday. What’s a fact is, you and me, we owe it to one another to make sure this situation doesn’t ruin either one of us. I might live this kind of life, but as you said in court, I don’t talk to them. Never have. They make my skin crawl thinking about what they did to you today. I saw red, and it wasn’t that dress. I wanted to kill them all for sneaking in there. They touched you, and no one gets away with touching you ever again unless it’s me. I’m going to ask you once. Is there any guy out there who's going to talk and stake a claim on you?” I really want to leap over this bar and have him put his hands all over me. I’m just too exhausted to move.

  “No,” I blurt abruptly.

  “Thank fuck. Don’t move from here, please.” I wouldn’t dream of it. Not at the moment, anyway.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Roman. Although, at some point I am going home. I can’t wear this dress much longer. I’ll wait out here if that’s okay, and I’d like tequila if you have it.” His brows quirk up over his darkening eyes. “Don’t say it, Roman. It’s not going to happen.” Shit. I’ve gone and stuck my foot in my mouth. It seems the only thing I’ve said right all day were the breathless words I spoke to the judge. Everything else just fuels right out of my mouth.

  “Oh, it’s going to happen. It’s a matter of when it will happen. The one and only time we drank tequila together, all of your clothes came off and you were dancing inside this thing. If I remember correctly—and trust me, Joslyn, I do. Vividly, I might add—you danced on the floor, my face, and my cock. Tequila it is. Don’t be taking your clothes off until I get back. I’ve waited years for the gift of you to arrive. I’d love nothing more than to be able to unwrap it.”

  Chapter 6

  Roman

  I‘m lost in her sitting out there behind the high walls, the trees, and bushes that are closing in my home as I firmly grip a hold of the trim above the door leading back into my house. All I need is a clear minute to breathe in all the beauty that makes up her and sweeps her higher in one giant glorified circle of bright white light.

  She’s my someday. Those words bled out of me today faster than lyrics to a song. It’s none other than a basic word we all use every day. To me and her, there was only one other word in the entire English language that had more meaning. And by God, there will come a day when I’ll say both of them with more meaning and certainty than I’ve felt in my entire life.

  With all the darkness around us, I didn’t forget she has a life outside of here. I just became so spun up in the reality of her. It hasn’t even been a day, and I�
�m already pushing her. Can’t seem to think past my own two feet when it comes to Joslyn Reynolds. Her mere presence drives me clear out of my mind.

  I study her, assessing her delicate movements, the way she pulls back her shoulders, a half smile on her face as she takes in the railcar and the outdoors of my home.

  Her emotions were not easily hidden when she took in what I had done. Her pain was evident in the way she wouldn’t look at me and those tears that shredded my heart. But once she lifted her eyes, they showed her soul. Her lively spirit and her ability to speak her mind. Deep pools of fearful blue so clouded over with years of hopeless grief, and yet they flickered with passion. Shimmered with determination. Boldness and holding back years worth of a troubled heart full of pain.

  I’ve always been able to read her clearly. She won’t let the world break her. Sure, she’ll cry, get angry because they aren’t going to leave her alone for a while, but somewhere along the way she has to learn not to let them destroy her.

  I’ve all but forgotten about her tattoo until she pushes up her sleeve, tips back her shot, and rubs her dainty fingers back and forth on her arm. I can almost feel her touching me. Slipping in, burrowing herself deeper into my skin than she was before. Bone deep.

  The need to know what it says is stronger than all this fucked-up shit that has my life tilting off-kilter.

  A lot has been said in the past hour. More than I wanted to hear, less than I ever wanted to admit. The woman has more restraint than I do, too. I understand her backing off from my sexual advances, even though I hate the reason why without either one of us having to say it. We never were, and never will be a quick fuck to scratch an itch. She wouldn’t be one regardless if I fucked her now or waited. Woman means more to me than life itself. Pretty sure she gets it after her clear, expressive eyes fell on the railcar.

  Knew I had to have it with me the day I left. Couldn’t part with it back then, not parting with it ever. Same way I feel about her.

  Dark clouds shadow over my head. A heavy storm has been brewing in the atmosphere for quite a while now. The sensations have been reeling me in more and more. The blowup in the car was the calm before the lightning lasers up the sky. Not sure where this sensation trickling through me is coming from. Felt something off the minute I stepped off the plane from our tour. It’s been growing like a weed since I was arrested. Something is going down, and it’s big. Might be I’ll find out what it is when Markus hits me with the damage this has caused, might be because my phone’s been vibrating non-stop since we sneaked away in the car. Pretty sure it’s concerned messages from all of the guys asking me if they need to get out here.

  Might very well be I know Gwen isn’t going to keep her fucking mouth shut now that the word is out about Joslyn being my attorney. Whatever it is, it’s going to rip through here on a mission to make my chest ache more than it did when Joslyn broke down. Cause more destruction than what it’s already done. I only hope that whatever it is decides to wait until she and I can get in a solid place with each other.

  All these years I missed her, and when our someday finally comes, it starts with a violent storm like this.

  I push myself off the threshold of the door. Tug out my phone and make my way to the stairs, hitting them two at a time. I need to be clean right along with relieving the jolts of agony rippling through my screaming cock. The poor guy hurts like fucking hell now that she’s here.

  Noticing too many messages for me to count, I pull up the band's group message. Read through at least twenty asking me, each other, anyone to answer what in the fuck is going on. I hit reply. Type in the short version. No need to tell them to stay away from the paparazzi. They all do anyway. We all have our own reasons why. Personal pain that isn’t anyone’s business.

  Temptation strikes me hard to pull up my name on the web. See what the hell is going on. Can’t quite bring myself to do it, though. Not ready to check in with Marcus quite yet either. Still need that minute.

  I crank on the shower, strip out of my clothes. Tilt my head back and wash away the grit coating my skin.

  Taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, I focus on her. The way she looks, her intoxicating smell, and the way her silky skin feels all hit my body like a thousand bolts of electricity surging straight to my cock. Sick motherfucker that I am, I’m about to jack myself off, while she’s probably sitting out there filling herself with worry.

  Resistance slaps me hard. The next time I come, it’s going to be inside of her. Wrapped up in the silky confines of her heat. That sweet, sweet, desirable place between her thighs.

  Vivid images of her flash behind my tired lids. Young and carefree. Living a life that was built on trust from day one. Her heart was always caring, about doing everything right for others. Not once stepping on someone’s toes to get farther in life. She studied, obeyed, and on the rare occasion she didn’t, she felt guilty about it.

  Didn’t stop me from being the guy who continued to tempt her to take a ride on the wild side. Not going to stop now with it either. It’s how I am. I say what I want, when I want.

  I take care of cleaning up. Turn off the water and set about drying off. My dick is not happy with me at all. I finish brushing my teeth, slip into clean clothes, grab my phone, and set it on the counter with a deep, gravelly groan erupting from my chest. I have a gut feeling Marcus isn’t going to have good news for me. In fact, I know he isn’t. The only good thing coming out of all of this is sitting downstairs waiting for me. Everything else is Hollywood at its finest. Gossip, scandal after scandal of life with the rich and famous. I hate it.

  “Please tell me she’s with you,” Markus’s testy voice asks, worry edging through the line and zapping hold of my concern.

  “She is. Vans full of those fuckers were setting up down at the gates when we pulled through. I’m fairly certain Joslyn didn’t see them. Not a chance in hell was I about to shake her up more than she already was by telling her they were out there. I’m surprised helicopters aren't swarming and buzzing like bees yet.” Silence and a heavy sigh greet me from the other end of the line. Unlike the man to be silent. Out of all of us, he’s normally the most talkative. Can’t get the man to shut up half the time.

  “What? Spit it out so I can get back to her.” This is the safest place for her to be. Still, don’t like being away from her. If those bastards weaseled their way into a courthouse today, then they’ll do everything they can to get past this community’s gates. Might be hard for them to sneak past old man Bennett’s house at the end of the street without him putting a bullet in their ass. That’s a chance they’ll have to take.

  The longer he remains quiet, the more worked up I get. Shit isn’t right. I can feel it ready to swing and strike me down. “Goddamn it, Marcus. What is it?” His deep, heavy exhale of breath says it all. This is worse than I thought.

  “Is there anyone in your life you’ve pissed off besides Gwen? What about Joslyn? She talk to you much about these past years?” What the hell? His questions singe and char. They strangle me half to death thinking there might be someone besides my ex out for blood.

  “You know I haven’t. Who the fuck am I going to piss off beside some random chick? Don’t know about her. What the hell are you getting at?” Somewhere in the cavity of my chest I briefly wondered if it could be someone else. I let it go, thinking this had Gwen written all over it. The possibility of it having to do with someone in Joslyn’s past never crossed my mind.

  Trickles of hatred pierce my throat. The thought that this could be another man who wasn’t able to shed her addictive taste or forget her sighs of pleasure when she’s screaming his name makes me feel absolutely savaged. A man on the hunt to slice someone open.

  Wariness and a tight-fisted urge of regret seep slowly through my gut, leaving hatred rooted deep for every man who touched her. It’s an ignorant, upsetting emotion I can’t begin to admit out loud. Just like she said, she has no rights, and neither do I. Still, I can’t help the unsettling jealousy slinking
through me. I nearly pulled the phone from her clenched hands when she said another man’s name earlier, only to find out they are men who she cares about. Nothing more. I need to control myself before I lose all rationality.

  “Listen, celebrities aren’t the only ones with scorned ex-lovers. You need to ask her if she had a bad breakup, or maybe she won a case in the past and pissed off the other lawyer. I’m looking at this from all directions.” Anger curls into my stomach, causing it to twist and roll. I grit my teeth until my cheeks hurt. He continues on. “There’s one more thing. We did a little background check on Joslyn. Something nicked at my nerves when one of those reporters asked about her parents. I’m sitting here with Paul and Jennifer. According to our resources, they’re both dead, but we did find out something else. Something I don’t think Joslyn knows. She has a younger brother, Roman. He’s twenty years old and serves in the Marines.” My heart crashes to the floor. What in the actual fuck?

  “Are you shitting me right now? This is going to kill her, Marcus. She handled herself well today. This, not sure how she’ll take it.” To hell with her past for a few damn minutes. If this is emptying me out, it’s going to strip her down to nothing. It took her a long time to realize her parents weren’t coming back for her. Damn, this brings back painful memories of a lost little girl who used to ask me if I ever wondered about my parents’ whereabouts. I did at first. Felt that guilt for a long time that I did something wrong to make them desert me. Came to the conclusion on my own that they were just as screwed up as life. People who have no clue what the difference between right or wrong is.

  I lower my head. Thankful my team jumped on this right away. Paul and Jen are the band’s public relations reps. We pay them well to handle any scandal that may arise. But this, this crisis isn’t about what it could do to us anymore. It’s what it’s going to do to her. Fucking ruining her just like she said, and I’m not talking about her career. I’m talking about her inner being. This could wreck her. I won’t let it. Pray to God once this sinks in, she doesn’t either.