Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon?

by Fujino Omori

  “No need to get worked up. Yes, I know about the elves. But there are also groups like the Amazons. They want to have strong children so badly that women give themselves to men just because of their strength. I think you’re going to wear yourself out, that’s all.”

  “… Oh.”

  She looks down at me with an all-knowing glance after bringing that up. Meanwhile, she’s kneading the spot on my back where the blood had landed, working down slowly from the left. She changes the markings.

  These markings on my back are my status, my Falna.

  A person’s abilities rise when a god’s blood is used to write hieroglyphs on their body. Only gods have this power.

  There is also a thing called “excelia.” Simply put, excelia is experience.

  Of course, it isn’t something that can be seen or used by “children” in any way. But it tells what path an individual has walked up to that point. Gods can read a person’s history in excelia. They will know if by some miracle you slew a monster, for example. Excelia also fuels a person’s growth through a blessing.

  Everything you have accomplished, both the quality and amount, shows up in excelia.

  The gods can see what you have done, your life story. Kind of like a big sign that says, “Has completed such difficult feats as: slaying a monster, etc.” Seems like something the ancients would do, if you ask me.

  Gods update the hieroglyphs on their Familia’s members’ backs to match that person’s excelia. To put it another way: level up!

  Gods and goddesses use this power to make their “children” stronger.

  “And anyway, Aiz Wallenstein, was it? If she really is that pretty and insanely powerful, other men won’t leave her alone. She’s bound to have a few favorites by now.”

  “Do you really think so…?”

  “Yep. Listen up, Bell. This is a crush; you’ll get over it. You should move on and focus more on the girls around you. I am a hundred percent sure that there is a beautiful lady who will accept, hold, and support you in your life right now.”

  Great, now I’m tearing up again. I don’t want to think about it. And she’s bashing Ms. Wallenstein. Why is she in such a bad mood? Did I step on a mine or something?

  She keeps saying “someone closer to you,” but there aren’t any women other than her and Eina in my life right now. Eina is my boss. Like hell she’d be interested in me. And then the goddess… Yeah, right. We’ve known each other for two weeks! And she’s a goddess.

  Goddess, life is not that easy. Eina told me that, too.

  “Besides, the girl Ms. Wallensomething is in Loki Familia. You couldn’t marry her anyway.”

  “……”

  The final blow, right through the heart.

  People almost always marry someone of the opposite gender who’s either in the same Familia or not in one at all. If two people from different Familias marry, which group do the kids belong to?

  There are other reasons, too, but the important thing is that so many issues get in the way that people avoid inter-Familia relationships. Then there are the gods themselves. They may have come here for entertainment, but they take their Familias very seriously.

  Also, not all of the gods are friends. If two of them are fighting, members of their Familias are instantly enemies. Members of each Familia don’t want to put their allies in danger.

  Eina said it first. It would be difficult for me, the only member of Hestia Familia, to have a relationship with Ms. Wallenstein, a member of Loki Familia.

  “All done! And just forget about that girl and keep your eyes open. You will find someone as long as you keep looking closer to home!”

  “You’re cruel, Goddess…”

  No, I’m not giving up. I can’t give up without even trying!

  We just met. There’s no telling what will happen.

  I get out of the bed and pull on some normal clothes while trying to rebuild my confidence. The goddess reaches for a piece of paper to write down my new status. I can’t read the hieroglyphs myself; no one can. So the gods learned a bit of our written language to help us out.

  Even if I could read their hieroglyphs, they’re on my back. Who could read something written there?

  “Here, your new status.”

  I take the paper from her lightly outstretched hand.

  Bell Cranell

  Level One

  Strength: I-77 → I-82 Defense: I-13 Utility: I-93 → I-96

  Agility: H-148 → H-172 Magic: I-0

  Magic

  ( )

  Skills

  ( )

  This is the Falna on my back, my status.

  There are five basic abilities: strength, defense, utility, agility, and magic. Each ability has one of ten ranks—S, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, and I—within each level. S is the strongest.

  And I is the weakest… The number next to the rank shows our exact ability level: 0 to 99 is the I range, 100 to 199 is H, and so on. 999 is the absolute maximum. It gets harder to get points as we get stronger, or so I am told.

  Level is the most important statistic in a status. Every one of the basic abilities gets a major boost when the level goes up. It wouldn’t be that much of a stretch to say a person evolves when they level up. There is a huge difference between Level One and Level Two.

  Level Two is much, much stronger.

  The goddess calls it ranking up.

  Let’s see… My “Strength,” “Utility,” and “Agility” went up this time… Wait a sec, what’s up with my “Agility”?! I went from H-148 to H-172! Up 24 points from yesterday?!

  It must be because I got chased around for who knows how long by the Minotaur.

  The excelia system is pretty simple. A person gains experience when they use a basic skill. For example, to gain Defense, I would have to actually get hit by a monster in battle. But all I do is run and dodge, so my Defense almost never goes up.

  Eina told me that armor and some weapons raise Defense just by equipping them, but I just run away, so what’s the point? Damn, this is embarrassing.

  “Um, Goddess? When do you think I’ll be able to use magic?”

  “Even I don’t know that. I hear people who can use magic have high intelligence in their excelia… You don’t read much, though, do you, Bell?”

  “No…”

  Magic has to be the first thing people look forward to when they get a blessing.

  Before the gods came to Gekai, only a few races could use very limited magic. But now that the gods give out blessings, anyone can learn to use it as long as they’re in a Familia.

  A person can use up to three different kinds of magic. But knowing only one magic is pretty common. I’ve been told that adventurers who know two kinds of magic become anchors of their team.

  Magic is that important. There’s a legend that long ago, an elf used wind magic to slice and dice one hundred humans. Magic is the ultimate trump card that can turn the tables in any situation.

  Who could defeat someone who can cast “Sea of Flames” with only a sword? I know I can’t.

  There is only one magic slot in my status. I guess that means I can only learn one… eh?

  “Goddess, there seems to be something in my Skill slot. It looks like something was erased…”

  “Hmm… Oh! Some ink got on my hand, and it got smudged. It’s still open like normal, don’t worry.”

  “Just my luck…”

  I won’t lie; I got my hopes up a bit.

  Skills are completely separate from basic abilities. When activated, they either have an effect on battle or on the user’s body itself. If the status shows improvement in ability, then skills are like a beneficial chemical reaction that tacks on something extra.

  Skills may not be as flashy as magic, but they don’t cost as much to use… Though they do cost something…

  I glance over my updated status one last time and look up at the clock on the wall. Then I turn to the goddess.

  “Goddess, it’s already evening. Shall I get din
ner ready? I know we’re going to have a potato snack party, but that won’t be enough to fill us up, right?”

  “Sure, I’ll leave it to you, Bell.”

  “Right-o.”

  I turn from the goddess’s cute smile and go to the kitchen. I can only cook really easy stuff, but yeah. Eina told me I need to think more about money. I’ll start focusing on that. I should try to save as much as possible from now on.

  I can feel the goddess staring at my back, but I have some ideas on how to rework my contract. Maybe I can get more money that way!

  Hestia gave Bell a send-off to the kitchen as if she were seeing him off to war. Once he was there, she let out a quiet but heavy sigh.

  She picked up his status sheet from the bed and compared it to the one written on his back.

  Children change so fast… Completely different from us.

  Even the slightest thing could change them and spread quickly.

  It wasn’t desire or culture that defined the people of Gekai. Change did.

  I hate this! He changed because of her, and it isn’t fair! I won’t accept it!

  She held her head between her hands, scratching back and forth.

  Damn it!

  She took another look at Bell’s back.

  Specifically, she looked at his Skill slot.

  Bell Cranell

  Level One

  Strength: I-77 → I-82 Defense: I-13 Utility: I-93 → I-96

  Agility H-148 → H-172 Magic: I-0

  Magic

  ( )

  Skills

  Realis Phrase

  Rapid Growth

  Continued desire results in continued growth

  Stronger desire results in stronger growth

  It was she who had found promising excelia and written that skill into him with her own hands. She regretted it more than anything.

  Chapter 2

  THAT’S WHY I RUN

  “.… nn.”

  Hestia Familia’s base, the hidden room under an old church.

  The room is underground, so naturally there are no morning sunbeams or crowing roosters to wake me up. It’s just force of habit to get up at a certain time.

  I used to have to get up early to work in the fields back home in the countryside. I developed a very precise body clock right around my tummy.

  … Five AM sharp.

  Just to be sure, I lift my head to check the clock on the wall.

  While it’s dim in here, it’s not completely dark thanks to a magic stone lamp on the ceiling. My eyes don’t even have to adjust.

  Human engineers figured out how to make magic stone lamps. The gods call it “cutting-edge technology.” It was the discovery of the century. Even the gods acknowledged the influence of human engineering techniques. These things are amazing!

  The goddess and I had a small party last night. When we got sleepy, I left the bed to her and went to sleep on the sofa as usual. Sure, it’s not that wide, but I’m used to it.

  I blink a few times to get the sleep out of my eyes. I should get up and wash my face and get ready to.… Huh?

  There’s something on top of me. Not the sheets, and it’s round and extremely light. I’m breathing just fine, otherwise I would have noticed sooner.

  Just what is this thing? Maybe if I touched it… No way! It’s the goddess!

  She’s asleep with her face buried in my chest. Ha-ha, imagine that.

  Did she sleepwalk…?

  I guess there’s a first time for everything, but now I have to figure out how to get out of this predicament.

  I’m sure I could get out from under her without waking her up, but she’s so soft and cuddly, I don’t want to move. She’s an extremely good body pillow, a godlike one!

  There are Familias that specialize in making items and weapons, but I can say for sure that they don’t have anything like this! The goddess is incredible!

  With all due respect to her, I wrap my arms around her squishy body. If cotton were a liquid, this is how it would feel.

  This is bad. I really won’t be able to get up at this rate.

  She even smells nice… Aww, a tiny yawn and now she’s snuggling her face into my chest like a little baby.

  She’s so damn cute!!!

  Wait a second, what are these soft melons on my chest? Don’t tell me, it’s them?

  I move fast. This god pillow has turned into a death trap. I slide out a little and flip her onto the sofa, trading places with her.

  She almost killed me…!

  It’s the first time she’s sent a chill down my spine…

  They were touching me! I couldn’t breathe! What if I didn’t get out of there?

  I put the sheet over her and get ready to go. I shouldn’t be here when she wakes up. Now that I think about it, wow, I’m an idiot! What have I done?! She’s a goddess! And I felt her… on me…

  I sneak through the room and out the door without a sound.

  “… zzz… Bell, you’re so stupid… zzzz…”

  Well, that was an eventful way to wake up…

  I sigh to myself as the brisk morning air chills my skin.

  Main Street in the morning is very different from how it is in the afternoon. The streets feel so much wider at sunrise—no people, no noise. Every one of the two-story shops have their shutters closed. The shops look like a long stone wall all lined up in a row.

  The eastern sky is getting brighter. I’m not alone on the streets, either. A few prums are setting up their store here, and a group of dwarves are talking in a cluster over there. By the looks of them, they’re adventurers like me. I wonder if I’ll run into them in the Dungeon later on.

  I might have a lot in common with them. I got up, got ready to prowl the Dungeon, escaped from… I mean, left my goddess behind, and am now on Main Street.

  “Ah, rats… I didn’t eat anything…”

  Grroooowlll. My stomach is talking to me. All I can do is trudge toward the Dungeon and rub my tummy to calm it down.

  There is nothing in there, just hunger.

  At this rate, I won’t be able to slay anything in the Dungeon. Can’t concentrate…

  I know that I said I wanted to save money yesterday, but if I don’t get something to eat, I’ll starve before I even get there. What’s open at this time? Maybe I can find a nice morsel…

  “…?!”

  Something’s behind me!

  Behind my right shoulder!

  Nothing…? I’m not the kind of adventurer who can sense danger or anything, but I swear I felt the eyes of a killer on my back… Something saw me.

  Were they sizing me up? Whoever this is, they’re not normal, and they aren’t holding anything back.

  There’s someone on the café terrace setting up tables, two animal people standing on that corner over there, and a woman looking down from the roof of that shop… My eyes are jumping back and forth to all the people I can find. Maybe I missed someone over my other shoulder?

  Everything looks normal for early morning on Main Street. There isn’t even a suspicious shadow around. Then again, I probably look pretty suspicious, standing in the center of the road with my head on a swivel. As soon as I look at anyone, though, they get right back to work.

  Am I going crazy? Is the black hole in my gut playing tricks on me?

  My heart is pounding in my ears. I know there’s definitely something around here…

  “Um, excuse me…”

  “!”

  I spin around and raise my fists to defend against the source of the voice. Onlookers probably think I’m overacting.

  A girl, a human like me, is standing there.

  She wears a white blouse with a light green knee-length skirt. On top of that is a salon apron.

  Her simple blue-gray hair is tied into a tight bun on the back of her head, but a ponytail sticks out from the center of it.

  Her eyes, the same color as her hair, look innocent and rather cute. She’s so scared that her smooth, milky skin is all bunched up around her
eyes. Oh yeah, my fist is a few inches from her jaw…

  She’s no threat. What the hell is wrong with me today?

  “S-sorry! I was just a little surprised…”

  “No, no! I’m sorry for startling you…”

  Now she’s apologizing just as furiously as I am. She didn’t do anything…

  She looks older than me, but just a year or two tops.

  Was this the girl I saw on the café terrace? She was carrying a table all by herself…

  “Um, can I help you?”

  “Oh… yes. Here, you dropped this.”

  A bluish purple crystal sits in her outstretched palm.

  “A magic stone? Huh?”

  I crane my neck around to look at the pouch strapped to my lower back. I use this fist-sized pouch to hold all the magic stones I collect from monsters in the Dungeon.

  A drawstring usually keeps it wrapped up pretty tight. Is it loose? I thought I exchanged all of the stones I collected yesterday at headquarters. Did I miss one?

  Only adventurers would have magic stones in the first place, so maybe she’s right.

  “Thank you for going out of your way!”

  “Oh, no. Don’t mention it.”

  I return the smile that blooms on her face. My eyebrows drop a bit in shame. I have no idea what to say, so I just chuckle along with her. My shoulders finally relax as she good-naturedly hands me the stone.

  “Are you already heading to the Dungeon at this hour?”

  “Yep, I thought I’d get to work a bit early today.”

  She asked that question to break the awkward silence. I didn’t know what to say myself, so I’m glad she spoke up. I’ll try to say good-bye after a little small talk.

  … Or so I thought. My stomach speaks up before I can make a clean getaway.

  “……”

  “……”

  Her eyes go wide.

  My face goes red.

  I hear her laugh a little. My face feels hot enough to cook an egg. Nah, it would burn…

  “Ha-ha. Are you hungry?”

  “… Yeah.”

  “So, you didn’t have any breakfast this morning?”