Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon?

by Fujino Omori

  However, Hestia couldn’t help but notice black skin covering half of the goddess’s face over her right eye.

  A bandage covered most of it. She stared down at Hestia with her left eye. It was wide and looked shocked.

  Hestia gulped down the last of the food in her mouth.

  “Hephaistos!”

  “I’m happy to see you, too, Hestia. I’m glad you are well… I’d be happier if you wore something a little more appropriate.”

  Hephaistos shook her head and rolled her eye. The magic stone lamps on the ceiling shone down upon the one-eyed goddess. Her waist-length hair sparkled as if it were woven with sugar.

  Hestia took a moment to admire Hephaistos’s beautiful red hair before going up to her with a big smile on her face.

  “I’m glad I came! I was right to come.”

  “What? I’m only going to say this once: I’m not lending you one val.”

  “How rude!”

  Hephaistos glared at her “friend” as she snapped a warning.

  She was the goddess who had looked after Hestia before she met Bell, the one who had kicked Hestia out of her Familia’s base. Their relationship was still a little tense.

  While they had been friends for a long time, Hephaistos had lost her patience with Hestia because she hadn’t formed her own Familia, hadn’t worked, and had become a burden.

  However, even after evicting her, the needy goddess would always come back asking for money. Whether it was “I can’t find a job” or “I can’t find a room that keeps the rain out,” Hestia always had a sad story to tell before asking for help. She’d pushed Hephaistos as far as she could.

  Hephaistos had a serious problem on her hands. She couldn’t leave her friend out on the streets with no money, but she also couldn’t keep helping her with every little thing.

  In the end, she gave Hestia the room under the church and found her a part-time job. The only thing Hestia did by herself was induct Bell into her Familia.

  She acted mature and independent when she was around Bell. But on her own, she was a lazy goddess who couldn’t get anything done on her own.

  “Do I look like a goddess who would do that?!? Sure, I needed your help in the past, but thanks to you, I’m doing fine on my own! I don’t need to eat from anyone else’s plate anymore!”

  “Weren’t you doing that just a second ago?”

  “T-this food will just be left over… If it’s just going to be thrown away, I should at least put it to good use, yes?”

  “Ho-ho! That’s a great way to put it. I’m so happy you’ve changed, my tears of happiness just won’t stop.”

  “Gyuuuu…”

  Hephaistos scoffed through her nose at Hestia’s pained face.

  Click-click, click-click. High-heeled shoes echoed as another goddess approached them.

  “Hee-hee… Still the best of friends, I see.”

  “Eh… F-Freya?”

  Hestia turned around to see emerge from another group of deities a goddess so beautiful that she made the others look normal by comparison. The floor was her runway. Everyone else was there to admire her.

  Her skin was the color of fresh fallen snow and just as smooth. Freya’s arms and legs glided through the air as if she were swimming, her perfume getting the attention of other gods as she drifted past. Their eyes fell on her luscious derriere, the cloth holding it in place stretched way too thin. Her gold-trimmed, full-length gown was open in the front. With only one layer of fabric over each breast, she proudly showed off her full shape. Her cleavage was bright pink, like she was too warm.

  She had the perfect body; better proportions did not exist.

  Long eyelashes surrounded calm eyes that radiated confidence.

  Her beauty transcended beauty, to the point that no one else even came close.

  The Goddess of Beauty gently swished her silver hair as she glided up to the other two goddesses.

  “Why are you here…?”

  “Saw you standing here. Thought I’d say something like ‘It’s been ages’ and invite you to walk around the great hall. Something like that.”

  “D-don’t say it like that, Hephaistos…”

  “Am I disturbing you, Hestia?” a smiling Freya asked the shorter goddess as she stepped into their conversation.

  “It’s not that…” Hestia fought back an irritated twitch in her lips. “I just don’t like you very much.”

  “Hee-hee-hee. That’s what I like about you.”

  Oh please. Hestia crossed her arms and looked away.

  Being the Goddess of Beauty, Freya was a lady among women and always carried herself as such. She was always a head above the rest.

  Freya had the ability to make others stop and wonder at her charm and grace. Even whimsical gods fell under her spell. The children on Gekai became enslaved by her smile alone.

  However, Hestia couldn’t stand Freya’s personality, or other gods like her.

  She did her best to avoid them.

  “Hey! Fei-Fei! Freya—! Itty Bitty!

  “Then again, you’re not so bad compared to a few others I know…”

  “My, my, aren’t you tense.”

  Freya’s smile widened as she turned to face the newcomer, who was flailing her arms and half jogging up to the group.

  She had vermillion-red eyes and hair. She’d changed her hairstyle from a simple short ponytail to a stylish inward spiral just for the Celebration. She was sporting a sleek black dress.

  She might not have looked like much standing next to Freya, but her face was on par with Hestia and Hephaistos in terms of charm.

  “Yo! Loki.”

  “Why the hell are you here…?!”

  “Wassamatta? Am I not allowed to greet ya without a reason? It’s a Celebration, no? It’d be rude not to say hi. Get with the program, Itty Bitty.”

  “……!……!”

  “That’s quite the scary face, Hestia.”

  Loki was two heads taller than she; all Hestia could do was turn a cold shoulder.

  She had nothing to say to Loki.

  Loki was the enemy.

  “It really has been a long time, Loki. Didn’t think I’d see Freya or Hestia today, either. The Celebration has been full of surprises.”

  “Yeah, it’s been forever… Been forever for most everyone here tonight, though.”

  Loki’s eyes were so long and thin that they usually looked like lines in the middle of her face. But she smiled as she opened them just enough to get a good look at Freya.

  One of Ganesha Familia’s waiters arrived with drinks. He froze on the spot when Freya turned to take a glass. Smiling at the dumbstruck man, she took a long sip.

  “Have you really not met up anywhere?”

  “We did see each other the other day. Wasn’t much of a chat, though.”

  “You’re one to talk. I made myself open to conversation, not my fault.”

  “Hmm. Oh, Loki, I hear about your Familia all the time. Things must be going well?”

  “Waaa! To hear someone with a Familia as good as yours say that… I must be moving up in the world… But yeah, my children are my pride ’n’ joy. Mind if I brag?”

  A tinge of pink covered Loki’s face as she shyly scratched her head. Loki hid her feelings from the members of her Familia, but that was more difficult here.

  Hestia had been listening to the conversation and thought this would be the perfect time to gather some information.

  “Hey, Loki. I have a question for you about someone in your Familia, Wallensomething or other.”

  “Oh! The kenki! I would like to listen in, if you don’t mind.”

  “What’s this? Itty Bitty has a question for me? Someone look to the sky! Is it Armageddon? Ragnarok? Did Hell just freeze over?”

  Hestia clenched her teeth. I’m gonna tear this bitch in half!

  “… Here it is. Does the kenki have a boyfriend or some kind of special companion?”

  “Moron, she’s my favorite. I ain’t giving her to anyone,
ya hear? If anyone else tries to put a hand on her, I’ll mount their head on my bedroom wall.”

  “Tsk.”

  “Strange time for ya to tsk at me.”

  Hestia got the information she was after. Aiz Wallenstein was being fiercely guarded by Loki.

  She felt the same way about Bell. If only Aiz had someone special she wanted to protect… An evil smirk popped up on her lips.

  Hephaistos stood by, watching the conversation unfold. Sensing the tension rising, she jumped in to change the subject.

  “I know this is a little late, but it feels strange to see you in a dress, Loki. Don’t you usually wear men’s clothes?”

  “Hee-hee, about that. A little bird told me a certain Itty Bitty was gettin’ ready to go to a party…”

  Hestia glared at her. Loki didn’t seem to care. She bent over so she could talk directly into Hestia’s face.

  “Heard she was too poor to wear a dress, thought I’d laugh at her.”

  You bbbbbiiiitttttttcccccchhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Hestia locked eyes with Loki, her face getting redder and redder. She might explode at any moment.

  It was always like this. They hadn’t known each other very long, maybe a hundred years. However, whenever Loki saw Hestia, she had an undeniable urge to tease her… She would do anything she could to make a joke at Hestia’s expense and would go out of her way to do so.

  The reason was quite simple: Hestia had what she didn’t.

  It was all because of the two lumps on Hestia’s chest.

  “Ha-ha!! Nice one! To make me laugh by making fun of your complex in front of everyone! Loki, you’re a comedic genius!”

  “Wha’d ya mean?”

  “Oh, sorry. Not comedic, you’re a genius at digging holes. Like the grave you are standing in!”

  Now it was Loki’s turn to flame up. The goddesses scowled at each other, their faces getting redder with each breath.

  Loki’s black dress was very low cut with no shoulders. It was almost sad how little shape she had, other than her quivering rib cage.

  “So it begins…,” muttered a cross-armed Hephaistos as her eye went from one goddess to the other.

  Freya held her glass of fruit wine as she looked on with a smile. The fireworks were about to start.

  The two goddesses stood with their well-above-average busts bulging from their elegant dresses on the sidelines.

  “How many men have fallen off the cliff of despair that is your flat chest? Ha-ha! See what I did there?”

  “Not funny at all, you hagggggg!!!!!!!”

  “Kiyaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!”

  Loki lunged at Hestia, her eyes leaking tears.

  Getting a good grip on Hestia’s cheeks, Loki pulled as hard as she could.

  Her face expanded out like taffy, soft and squishy.

  Hestia tried to fight back, but her short arms couldn’t even come close to grabbing Loki. She futilely swatted the air, her cheeks shiny with tears.

  “Oh, what have we here?”

  “Looks like Loli Big Tits against Loki No Bits…!”

  “Ten elixirs say that Loki walks away frustrated!”

  “All of my star chips say that I’ll be the one to comfort her!”

  “Make a real bet, moron!”

  More and more gods came to watch the catfight unfolding in the great hall.

  Hephaistos’s head drooped past her shoulders. She was already fed up with Hestia and Loki, now there was an audience to this brawl.

  Loki was shaking Hestia’s entire body with her death grip on the smaller goddess’s fluffy cheeks. Left, right, up, down, she shook Hestia in all directions.

  Shaking, shaking, and more shaking.

  “… hee… hee… I’m thinkin’ ya’ve had enough for today…”

  She’s twitching all over!!!

  Sad that she couldn’t finish the job, Loki dropped Hestia to the floor and turned her back.

  Loki didn’t even glance at the girl as she collapsed to the floor, just walked away. Loki’s body twitched as she started to make her way across the room.

  It was not a victory lap.

  “Hmph… Don’t be looking so pathetic next time, loser. Tuck your tail and run!”

  “I’ll do ya in next time, ya hear me? Next time!!!!!!”

  Loki bolted for the door, leaving a trail of tears in her wake.

  “Just as I thought…” A murmur spread through the crowd of gods who had come to witness the fight. With the show over, they went back to their own conversations and drifted elsewhere.

  “Loki’s really rounded out…”

  “Rounded out?? She still looks like a little kid…”

  Hephaistos could only raise an eyebrow at Freya’s comment.

  Freya perked up the tips of her mouth as she ran her fingers through her silver hair.

  “Before coming here, gods used to fight one another to the death for fun. This is a lot cuter. Not even dangerous.”

  “Well, yes. That’s true. You’ve known Loki for a long time, right?”

  “Very much so, about as long as the two of you.”

  Hephaistos helped a wobbly Hestia to her feet.

  “We’re not as close as we once were,” said Hephaistos with a weak smile.

  “Looks like Loki’s taken a liking to the children. Maybe that’s why she’s changed.”

  “I hate to say it, but she has that in common with me.”

  “Ohh? Didn’t you say ‘I don’t look at the children like that’ not too long ago? Did that new boy, Bell, change that?”

  “Hee-hee, maybe so. He’s a really good boy. He’s wasted on me.”

  “If I remember right, he’s a white-haired, red-eyed human boy, yes? You came and told me right after you started your Familia. I was shocked, really.”

  Freya’s ears twitched as she heard the news.

  She set her empty glass on the table and swished her hair.

  “I bid you Farewell.”

  “What, already? Do you have somewhere to be, Freya?”

  “I got the information I came here for, so there’s no point in staying.”

  “… You didn’t ask anyone anything today?”

  Freya and Hephaistos had been together since the start of the Celebration. Hephaistos was confused about her friend’s sudden departure and tilted her head.

  Freya ignored her and instead cast her eyes on Hestia. Her smile was still there but was now somewhat different from before.

  Hestia blinked a few times as Freya’s aura changed.

  “… And I’ve gotten bored of all the men here.”

  Don’t you dare!!!!

  “……”

  “……”

  She gave a nod as a simple good-bye and disappeared into the crowd.

  The remaining goddesses watched her leave before looking at one another. They exchanged an awkward laugh and a shrug.

  “Freya really is the Goddess of Beauty… no respect.”

  “She’s in control of love and desire. Someone’s bound to want her help…”

  “She has a Familia. She just doesn’t see what is right under her nose. To think she might become a rival… makes me appreciate the children that much more!”

  “She could recruit new members just by smiling…”

  Hephaistos let out a deep breath and scratched the bandage covering her right eye.

  It was a habit she’d picked up. Whenever she wasn’t satisfied or couldn’t accept something, her hand just went there on its own.

  Hestia let out a small “hmm” through her nose, watching Hephaistos closely.

  “Anyway, what are you going to do now? I’m going to walk around, talk to a few more people. Are you going home?”

  A light snapped on in Hestia’s brain. Her shoulders jumped when she realized she had almost forgotten something very important.

  “You could stick around for a while? Have a drink or two?”

  “Um… yeah… well…”

  Hephaistos’s expression changed when she s
aw Hestia start fidgeting. She’d seen that many times before.

  Ignoring the blast of suspicion bursting out from under Hephaistos’s flaming red hair, Hestia made up her mind. She cleared her throat.

  “I… um, have a favor to ask you.”

  “……”

  Hephaistos’s left eye narrowed, sharp as a dagger.

  The carefree Hephaistos was gone in an instant. She was engulfed in a much more serious aura.

  It was the same one she’d had when flat-out stating that she wouldn’t be lending any money.

  “You ask now, after what you said earlier? Think back—what did you say?”

  “Umm… What was it again?”

  “ ‘I don’t need to eat from anyone else’s plate’ ring a bell?”

  Hestia smiled and nodded, not arguing the point. She had said that, after all.

  Hephaistos looked at her as though she had just climbed out of a toilet. While Hestia wanted to take back her earlier statement, she clenched her jaw and waited out the awkward silence.

  This was the reason Hestia had come to the Celebration in the first place. She might lose a friend for it, but she had to try.

  “… Okay, I’ll play your game. What. Is. Your. Request?”

  Hephaistos stared down at the short goddess, her red hair and eye on the verge of bursting into flames.

  Hephaistos was known as the Goddess of the Forge when she resided in Tenkai, the upper world. The Familia she created on Gekai didn’t rely on the income of adventurers in Orario to survive.

  Even still, there was not a single adventurer in Orario who didn’t know the name Hephaistos.

  She had created a brand.

  Her Familia was home to many specialists capable of creating weapons so strong that even a hundred others wouldn’t measure up. These smiths forged high-quality weapons known around the world.

  Hestia had come here today to directly ask the president of Hephaistos Familia for a favor. She took a deep breath and said in the strongest voice she could muster:

  “I would like you to make a weapon for Bell… a member of my Familia.”

  Chapter 5

  THE G♥DDESS’S PRANK

  “Byooua!”

  “!”

  Those claws missed by a mile. Just watched them go by my face.

  I’m back in the bluish halls of the dungeon. This goblin is so loud, the echoes of his cries tell me where he is even when I’m not looking.