How I Learned to Love the Walrus

by Beth Orsoff

  "You’re right," he said. "I don’t know why no one’s thought of this before. Instead of reducing carbon emissions and banning oil drilling in their habitat, what we should really be doing is sending all those poor, overworked walrus cows on a Caribbean vacation. Of course, they’ll all die in the eighty-degree water with no food supply, but at least you’d get to spend a month at a nice resort with indoor plumbing and overpriced drinks, and that’s what’s really important, isn’t it?" Then he shook his head and stomped off.

  "Well done," Duncan said, as we watched Ethan’s lanky figure recede.

  "I was joking!" I yelled, but he didn’t even turn around.

  Chapter 22

  It was Duncan’s and Ethan’s turn to cook that night, which meant I got to spend a few hours with my sat phone and computer. The e-mails I’d sent the night before worked. Rick was placated, Lindsay was furious, and two clients replied to say they were interested in supporting worthy causes and I should get back to them with details. Even Blake, frustrated with not being able to reach me by phone, sent me a long (for him) e-mail:

  Hey Babe,

  Working my ass off Down Under and looking forward to some R&R in Alaska. Glad you’re there to handle everything. I’m on a macrobiotic diet now, so need you to take care of the food issue. No craft services table for me! BTW, where’s the script?

  Ciao,

  Blake.

  Blake McKinley could charm almost anyone with a wink and a smile, but he’d never gotten any woman into his bed on the strength of his prose.

  "This is the worst risotto I’ve ever tasted," Ethan pronounced before dumping his meal into the garbage can.

  "We were lacking a few ingredients," Duncan explained, as the rest of us pushed the watery rice and vegetables around our plates. "So I had to substitute."

  "Which part did you make?" I asked Ethan. After all, we were supposed to be cooking in pairs. Everyone smiled except him.

  "That’s why Duncan’s here," Ethan replied.

  "Well, I think it’s delicious," Brie said, forcing herself to swallow another bite.

  Ethan shook his head then opened the fridge. "Beer anyone?"

  The consensus seemed to be if we couldn’t eat dinner then we should drink it. While Jill made Jake a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the rest of us followed Ethan’s lead and grabbed a beer and a handful of pretzels. Ethan waited until Jill put Jake to bed before he pulled out his bottle of Jack Daniels and a shot glass.

  Several rounds later, someone, I’m not sure who, suggested strip poker. After I lost my sweater to Tony, my socks to Duncan, and my scarf to Brie, I decided it was time for bed. I pulled my coat on over my T-shirt, and Jill’s boots over my bare feet, before I walked out into the gray evening light.

  I thought I was alone as I hurried down the trail with the wind howling in my ears, whipping my hair across my face. So when someone squeezed my shoulder of course my first instinct was to free myself any way I could.

  "Calm down," Ethan yelled, grabbing my wrist before my fist could connect with his chin. "It’s just me."

  "Jesus Christ, Ethan, you scared me half to death."

  "I guess you didn’t hear me calling out to you for the past five minutes."

  "So you thought you’d accost me instead?"

  He grinned. "I think accosting you is a bit of an overstatement."

  He had me there. "What do you want?" Because all I wanted was to get back to my tent before I froze to death.

  "I thought you might need some help."

  I was a little wobbly, but that had as much to do with the twenty mile per hour winds as it did with the three beers I’d consumed. "Since when are you interested in helping me, especially when there’s a possibility of seeing Brie naked?" She’d won my scarf, but she was still losing to everyone else.

  He took a step closer. "Because I’d rather see you."

  My mind flashed back to that moment in the kitchen when I nicked my knee. Even in my inebriated state, or maybe because of it, I realized this was not a conversation we should have.

  "Good night, Ethan," I said, and started downhill again. Instead of heading back up to the cabin, he fell in next to me. It was easy to ignore him since he didn’t speak. But once we reached the campground and he continued on the path to my tent instead of veering off towards his own, I could no longer pretend he wasn’t following me.

  "Ethan, I don’t need an escort. I think I can make it to my tent." Not necessarily in a straight line, but definitely in an upright position.

  "Is that what you think I’m doing?"

  No, but whatever he had planned, it couldn’t be good, at least not for me. So I ignored him as he followed me the rest of the way. He waited until I bent down to unzip my tent flap to ask, "Were you really joking earlier about the cows staying behind with the pups?"

  "I do think it’s unfair," I said, struggling with the zipper, which had gotten stuck halfway, "but yeah, I was jerking your chain. Sorry about that."

  "Don’t apologize."

  "Okay, I just—" as the zipper gave way, I lost my balance and started to fall. I thought I was going head first into the wet grass, when Ethan caught me by the arm and yanked me upright. "Thanks," I said, and casually shook his hand off me. This conversation was charged enough without physical contact.

  "Feel free to make it up to me."

  "Excuse me?"

  "C’mon," he said, and leaned in. "We both know where this is headed. You can stop pretending."

  It was official. Wilde Island really was the twilight zone. I’d never garnered this much male attention in my life. It wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. "Ethan, you may be some brilliant—" I hiccupped, but my anger overrode my embarrassment—"scientist, but you’re fucking delusional if you think I want to sleep with you. I’m going to bed." I was about to duck inside when I stopped and turned around. "Alone, in case you were thinking that was an invitation."

  "Wasn’t it?" he replied, following me in.

  "No!" He didn’t move. "Ethan, you can stand here all night if you want, but I can guarantee you you’re not getting any."

  In an instant his mood flipped from playful to angry. "Then why have you been flirting with me for the past two days?"

  "Flirting with you? Since when is giving someone a hard time flirting with them? Most of us grew out of that stage in the third grade."

  "What about all that prancing around the cabin in your underwear?"

  "I was shaving! It’s kind of hard to shave your legs with your pants on."

  "And your shirt?"

  I forgot about that. "Hey, you walked in on me."

  "You didn’t exactly kick me out."

  "I absolutely asked you to leave."

  "Once."

  "Well, how many times do I have to ask before you listen? I’ve already asked twice tonight, and I notice you’re still standing here."

  "Try saying it like you mean it."

  "How’s this: Get the fuck out!" Then I lunged at him causing us both to crash to the ground, our lower halves inside the tent, and our upper bodies out.

  "Isn’t this just perfect," Brie said, as she swayed above our heads.

  Chapter 23

  "It’s not what it looks like," I cried, as Ethan and I scrambled to our feet. "We—"

  "Oh, shut up!" But the effort of yelling at me threw Brie off balance, and Ethan had to grab her by the arm to keep her from falling too.

  "Let go of me," she said, pulling away from him.

  Ethan complied, and Brie crashed to the ground.

  "What did you do that for?" I yelled.

  "She told me to."

  "She’s drunk."

  "So?"

  "Jesus Christ, Ethan, what the hell is wrong with you?"

  "That’s Dr. Egomaniac to you," Brie called up to him, then started giggling as she laid flat on her back and spread eagle. I held out my hand to her, but she ignored it.

  "Brie, do you think you can make it back to the cabin on your own?"


  "I don’t want to go back," she slurred.

  "Well, you can’t sleep out here."

  "Duncan is," she said, and burst out laughing again.

  Ethan and I surveyed the campground. The sun had finally begun to set, but it was still light enough to see. Ethan spotted Duncan first, face down on the picnic table.

  "Can you handle this one?" he asked.

  "Yeah, go take care of Duncan."

  "Duncan can sleep it off where he’s at. I’m going to bed."

  "Ethan!"

  "Dr. Egomaniac," Brie corrected, and set herself off into another round of giggles.

  "You can’t leave him there."

  "Sure I can. He’s on his stomach. Even if he pukes, he won’t choke to death."

  "Ethan, we’re not letting him spend the night on the picnic table. I’ll help you bring him inside, then we’ll figure out what to do with this one."

  "He’s not sleeping in my tent. If he gets sick I’ll never get the smell out. Or worse, he could mistake me for you and try to cop a feel."

  "Why do they all want you?" Brie cried, then pulled out a handful of wet grass and threw it at me. She missed by several inches, which only upset her more. "Why doesn’t anyone want me?" Then she dissolved into tears.

  "Nice going, Ethan."

  He started to laugh.

  "This isn’t funny," I said, but I had to fight to keep from laughing too. I lost the battle when Sean and Tony entered the campground singing an off-key version of "You Can’t Always Get What You Want." I couldn’t tell if they had their arms around each other as a gesture of love or if they were just propping each other up, but their lyrics were spot on. The whole scene was so surreal, I would’ve thought I was dreaming if I wasn’t so goddamn cold.

  "You okay?" Sean asked, when he finally noticed me.

  "Yeah, but these two aren’t." I pointed to Brie and then Duncan.

  Sean and Tony agreed with me. They ignored Ethan’s protests, hoisted Duncan to his feet, then half walked and half carried him into Ethan’s tent.

  Ethan looked down at Brie, still sprawled in the grass at our feet. The ugly nylon pants and matching jacket were keeping her dry, but only the alcohol was keeping her warm. "How about we let these two sleep it off in my tent and I bunk with you?"

  "In your dreams."

  "I guarantee you’ll have a better time if I’m awake."

  I glared at him until he shrugged and walked off, ignoring Sean’s and Tony’s angry stares as they made their way back to me. I still hadn’t figured out what to do with Brie. She’d stopped crying but was no longer coherent. "Maybe you two should just carry her back to the cabin."

  They both glanced down at her, then up the hill. "I think she should spend the night with you," Tony said, and Sean seconded the idea.

  "I’ve only got one sleeping bag."

  Sean lifted Brie up in his arms, where she lay motionless with her head tipped back and her limbs splayed. "I don’t think she’ll notice," he said, and staggered into my tent.

  I wasn’t keen on being puked on or mistakenly fondled either, so after laying a plastic bag under her head, and covering her with my extra blanket, I grabbed my sleeping bag and pillow and trudged back up the hill.

  If I’d have known the chain of events that innocuous act would set in motion, I would’ve taken my chances with Brie.

  Chapter 24

  Five hours later, the morning light was already filtering through the cabin’s huge living room windows. I buried my face in the couch pillows, but that didn’t stop Jake.

  "Sydney, wake up!"

  "Go away," I mumbled. My office was closed for the July 4th holiday, and it was too early to start worrying about monitoring the radio.

  "Don’t you want breakfast?"

  "No." My head was throbbing, and the thought of food made me queasy. I hadn’t downed any shots like the rest of them, but three beers were enough to give me a hangover.

  "You want to play Pirate Treasure?"

  I’d rather die a slow death. "Jake, go away."

  "Why are you being so mean?"

  This kid was worse than a puppy. At least dogs waited until you showed signs of life before they started licking your face and demanding your attention. I peeked up at him from my pillow. "I promise I’ll play any game you want later if you’ll just be quiet now and let me sleep."

  "Any game?"

  "Any game."

  He smiled. "This is gonna be fun."

  When Jill padded into the kitchen ten minutes later, I dragged myself up to the loft. I don’t know how long I slept, but when I came back downstairs, Jill and Jake were gone, replaced by Sean, Tony, and Duncan, who were sitting at the dining table eating bacon and eggs.

  "Best hangover food ever," Sean said as he shoveled a forkful into his mouth. He and Tony didn’t look too bad, but Duncan’s hair was sprouting in several directions and his normally ruddy complexion had turned gray.

  "Anybody seen Brie?" I asked, as I tried to ignore the smell of fried grease while I searched the fridge for ginger ale but settled for a can of Coke.

  "We thought she was with you," Tony said.

  I started to shake my head but had to stop because of the pain. I needed aspirin, now. "No, I left her in the tent and slept here last night."

  "What was she doing in your tent?" Duncan asked.

  Finally, I got to exchange a look with Sean and Tony instead of the rest of them exchanging looks over me. It felt good to be in on the joke instead of the butt of it.

  "Don’t you remember?" Sean asked.

  "I remember her coming with me to the campground, but I don’t remember why."

  "She wanted to shag ya, lad," Ethan said, imitating Duncan’s accent. "Good thing I was there to stop her," he continued as he walked past the dining table on his way to the kitchen. After refilling his coffee mug he returned. "I hate to think what would’ve happened if you were alone."

  Sean and Tony stared down at their plates, while Duncan fixed his gaze on his toast. When Ethan realized no one was going to respond, he stole a slice of bacon off Duncan’s plate then left the room.

  "How do you stand that guy?" Sean asked when it was just the four of us again.

  Duncan shrugged, then bit into his last slice of bacon.

  Part of me felt bad for Ethan. He obviously had no friends on the island, unless you counted Jake. Then I thought about his behavior the night before and my sympathy quickly evaporated.

  "Someone should probably check on Brie," Tony said and stared at Duncan, who looked over at me.

  "You check on her," I said. "She’s your friend."

  "She’s your friend too," he replied.

  "Hardly." Even if he hadn’t overheard our argument the other night, the tension between us was obvious.

  "Well, you used to be friends," Duncan said. "And you’re the only girl."

  Sean and Tony nodded in agreement.

  "No, I’m not. What about Jill?"

  Sean swallowed his forkful of eggs then said, "She’s out on the boat with Jake."

  "Well she’s coming back, isn’t she?"

  The three of them continued to stare at me.

  "Oh, fine." I only agreed because I needed to go back for aspirin anyway.

  "Knock, knock," I called, as I pulled back the tent flap, allowing the harsh morning light to flood inside.

  Brie’s eyes fluttered open, then quickly shut again. She was in exactly the same position I’d left her in the night before—my suitcase propped against her back to keep her from rolling over, the plastic bag under her head. Only the blanket had moved. She’d kicked it down to her feet. "Go away."

  "I’m not staying. I just came for aspirin and to make sure you’re alive."

  "I am, so you can leave."

  "You should try being a little nicer. If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be sleeping outside."

  She lifted her head but covered her eyes to shield them from the sun. "This is your tent?"

  I zipped the flap closed to
shade the inside. "Where did you think you were?"

  "I don’t know," she said, lying down again.

  Probably Duncan’s tent, but I didn’t say so. She looked as awful as I felt, so I decided to throw her a bone. "Duncan asked me to come down here and check on you."

  She smiled feebly. "He did?"

  "Actually, I think it might’ve been Tony who asked. Duncan thought it was a good idea though. He seemed very worried about you."

  She started to sit up again, then thought better of it and lay back down.

  "You want some aspirin?" I asked, as I located the bottle in my suitcase.

  "Love some."

  I shook out four tablets, downed two, and handed her the rest with my can of Coke.

  "So were you with us the whole night?" She tried to sound nonchalant, but her strained voice betrayed her anxiety.

  "No, I left when you started stripping." As soon as I saw the horrified expression on her face, I said, "I’m teasing. You had all your clothes when you came down here, including my scarf," which I grabbed from the pocket of her jacket.

  "I remember the shots and the poker game. After that it gets a little hazy. I still don’t know why I would’ve come down here to sleep."

  I stared at the floor of the tent but her question hung in the air between us until I finally said, "I think we all assumed it was because you wanted to spend the night with Duncan."

  "Oh, God." She hid her face in her hands. "I didn’t say that, did I?"

  "Not to me."

  "Do you think we did anything?" she asked, still covering her face.

  "I doubt it. He passed out before you did."

  "That’s good, I guess." After a few seconds of silence, she peeked out at me. "Was Ethan here too? Because I sort of remember calling him Dr. Egomaniac to his face, but maybe I dreamed it."

  I preferred she not remember that part. "He helped get Duncan to his tent."

  I was sure she was going to say that wasn’t her recollection, but she said, "Would you mind if I stayed here a little longer? I’m really not up to facing everyone right now."