Sky Lights

by Barclay Baker

  ‘Don’t like it here. I fear it is haunted by a ghostly presence,’ he muttered.

  ‘What was that ye said? All ye wanted wus a costly present?’ asked MacStarkey. ‘We’d all like that. Ye’ve just got tae wait an’ see what ye get.’

  ‘No,’ shivered O’Mullins. ‘I said a ghostly presence.’

  ‘Don’t worry, the ghosts here’ll like us,’ said Skylights. ‘They won’t harm a fellow pirate.’

  ‘You mmmmean, this castle is hhhaunted?’ stammered O’Mullins, hiding behind MacStarkey.

  ‘Probably,’ answered Skylights nonchalantly. ‘You see, in February 1720, a ship called the Eagle was captured in Argyll with twenty one pirates on board. They’d sailed with the notorious pirate-captain of the Caribbean, ‘Black Bart’ Roberts. Before being ‘hanged by the neck upon the gibbet’ on Leith sands, they were thrown into Edinburgh Castle dungeons. I have heard it said their spirits still roam these ramparts.’ Skylights was enjoying the effect the story was having on O’Mullins. He lowered his voice. ‘Maybe we can persuade the ghosts to help us. After all Pan has fairies helping him.’

  O’Mullins was not convinced it was a good idea but he kept his mouth shut about ghosts from then on. ‘Well then, what now, Skylights?’ said Fitzsmee, scanning the sky in vain for any sight of Jukes and Noddler. ‘What’s the plan?’

  ‘Right-o, me bullies, time to start work. MacStarkey and Fitzsmee, you stay here in Edinburgh. Use all your wit and cunning to find the whereabouts of this place,’ said Skylights, handing MacStarkey a piece of paper with the address of the Roslin Institute. ‘Sneak inside and get the home address of Professor John Dante. Find out what you can about his family. We may need to use them too,’ he added with a wink. ‘Once you have done that, find a place where we can lie low, then meet back here just before dawn to report on progress.’

  ‘That’s a tall order for one night,’ said Fitzsmee. ‘What are you and O’Mullins going to be doing?’

  ‘We are off to follow the bridges to Dundee,’ replied Skylights. ‘According to what I heard on the news, the ticking crocodile is being brought there; to be investigated at the university’s Marine Research Department. Is it really a crocodile? Is it a new species of crocodile? Is it a very old species….maybe even a dinosaur? What it is, me hearties, is of no interest to me. I really don’t care one bit. But I do care what is in its stomach. O’Mullins and I are going to steal the stomach and bring it, and its contents, back here for Professor John.’

  ‘Well, good luck tae ye. Watch you don’t spill the stuff,’ said Fitzsmee. ‘I think I’d rather do our job than yours after all.’

  ‘Time is precious. Let’s get started, O’Mullins,’ urged Skylights. ‘See ye all back here in a few hours then. Maybe even Jukes and Noddler will be here by then.’

  ‘Come on Fitzsmee, we’ll go and hae a wee nosey aboot,’ said MacStarkey.

  While MacStarkey and Fitzsmee set off down the Royal Mile, Skylights and O’Mullins took off from the ramparts and headed north. Staying beneath cloud level they kept a lookout for landmarks and before long spotted two bridges spanning a wide river.

  ‘Look! The first pair of bridges,’ said Skylights. ‘Just follow them and we won’t go wrong.’

  ‘Which one?’ asked O’Mullins.

  ‘What do you mean which one, ye dim witted dodo? They are both heading north. It doesn’t matter which one. Just follow the direction of these bridges over the River Forth, and keep going.’

  They flew silently over fields of sheep and cows, over villages of sleeping houses, over hillsides painted white with frost. Empty roads stretched beneath them like random scratches on a sheet of paper. Every now and again tiny moving lights traced these scratches before disappearing into the distance. ‘Hey Skylights, what’re these lights down there? Are they fairies?’ asked O’Mullins.

  ‘No. These’re the lights of cars. It’s what they use for transport in this world. We’ll need something like that to get the stomach back to Edinburgh,’ answered Skylights. ‘But look ahead now O’Mullins. Can you see two more bridges? That’s the bridges over the River Tay, and the next stop is Dundee. We’ll be there in a flash.’

  The city of Dundee stretched out along the north bank of the river. Skylights and O’Mullins circled the town centre not really sure what a university would look like. They saw buildings with tall pointy bits reaching up to the sky. Were they universities? Other buildings seemed to be made mostly of glass behind which stood silent motionless people on guard duty. Were these universities? Skylights made a signal to O’Mullins and they dropped from the sky into a large square area, empty apart from a few benches, and some tubs of plants. It was enclosed on three sides by imposing buildings.

  ‘Let’s look for a sign that says University,’ said Skylights.

  O’Mullins suddenly grew very excited. ‘Hey look, Skylights. There’s yon big fellow from the Dandy. What’s his name? Desperate Dan, that’s it! We can ask him where the university is.’

  ‘I think you’ll find he’s not alive. That’s just a statue,’ replied Skylights trying to be patient. ‘But, look there are some signposts over there. Come on!’

  Skylights became aware of voices, lots of voices talking, laughing, shouting and even singing. To his left he saw a crowd of young people pouring from a building on to the street and heading their way.

  ‘Quick, hide in here,’ he said, pulling O’Mullins away from the statue into a dark passageway behind it. ‘Best if we’re not seen. We don’t want to have to answer any awkward questions.’

  But they were too late. One of the young men in the crowd had spotted them and shouted to his companions. ‘Crikey, did ye see yon funny guys? They looked like pirates fae lang ago.’ The revellers, capering with each other, staggering from side to side, and making lots of noise, reached the pirates’ hiding place.

  ‘Whaur are they pirates then? Ye’r seein’ things,’ said a girl. ‘Ah telt ye no tae hae that last pint.’

  ‘Eh’m no seein’ things. Eh’m tellin’ ye. Eh saw them. They ran up that close. Come on we’ll chase them an’ ye’ll see what Eh mean.’ The young people staggered towards the close talking loudly as they went. Skylights and O’Mullins shrank into the darkness hoping they would not be discovered. The ground beneath their boots was strewn with empty curry boxes and chip papers. Discarded drinks cans rolled at their feet. They backed into a corner. Silently Skylights raised his gun and O’Mullins drew his cutlass. They would not give up their mission. Not without a fight.

  From another direction came a very different voice, serious and commanding. ‘Hoi! Tone it down you lot or we’ll nick you, for breach of the peace.’ The party animals and two police officers faced each other on the pavement right outside the close where Skylights and O’Mullins were hiding.

  ‘What’s all the noise about then? What are you up to?’ asked the second police constable in a more pleasant manner.

  ‘It’s the works’ Christmas night out, officer. We’re on our way home now,’ said a young woman, trying hard to speak clearly and remain upright. ‘Sorry about the noise, sir.’

  ‘I should think so!’ said the first policeman. He pointed to the close.

  ‘People are sleeping up there.’

  ‘No, no, offisher,’ said the young drunk who had seen O’Mullins and Skylights. ‘They’re no sleepin’. Eh jist saw them runnin’.’

  ‘Ye saw who running?’

  ‘Eh saw the twa pirates. An’ they wuz armed. Ye should arrest them cause yer no allowed knives are ye offisher?’ said the drunk. ‘Hiccup!’

  ‘Are you telling us you saw two armed pirates going up this close?’ asked the second policeman.

  ‘Yesh, ain had a cutlass, and the ither ain had a kind o’ an auld fashioned gun, like they had in the Pirates o’ the Caribbean. An’ the ain wi’ the cutlass was speakin’ tae Desperate Dan o’wer there.’

  Skylights and O’Mullins were scared to breathe as they pushed themselves hard against the back of the close,
sure that they were about to be caught. But they breathed a sigh of relief when the policeman spoke again.

  ‘Do you know the punishment for wasting police time, laddie? We could slap an ASBO on you. Take my advice, young man. Get home and sober up before you get yourself arrested. Pirates with cutlasses indeed!’ The policeman turned to the rest of the crowd, ‘And that goes for all of you. Time you were home. I’d advise you to leave the city centre as soon as you can.’

  O’Mullins smiled to himself. Perhaps they did have a pirate spirit protecting them after all. ‘Hey what’s an ASBO?’ he asked.

  ‘It must be the Scottish equivalent of the cat o’ nine tails,’ replied Skylights. They waited a few minutes until the coast was clear. Skylights grabbed O’Mullins by the arm, ran out of the close, and together they soared into the night sky. ‘I know where to go now,’ said Skylights. ‘The signpost pointed in this direction.’ No sooner were they up, than it was time to come down again. Skylights could see one or two people walking in the street below. ‘Let’s go round the back of the buildings,’ he whispered to O’Mullins. They landed unseen and found themselves in a huge campus with buildings on all sides. Together they wandered from one building to the next looking for the right place. They passed the College of Life Sciences, School of Computing, Department of Mathematics and then, ‘There it is...the Department of Marine Research,’ said Skylights reading the brass plate on one of the smaller buildings.

  ‘D’you have the key?’ asked O’Mullins.

  ‘Of course I haven’t got a key! You blitherin’ baboon. How would I have the key?’ snapped Skylights.

  ‘If you haven’t got a key, how are we going to get in?’

  ‘What’s my name?’ asked Skylights.

  ‘It’s Skylights,’ answered O’Mullins in a concerned voice. ‘Surely you haven’t forgotten your name as well as the key.’

  ‘In the name o’ Davy Jones, give me patience,’ said Skylights and taking a very deep breath he went on, stressing every word as if talking to an infant. ‘O’Mullins, I ...haven’t ...forgotten... my.... name.... and...I....haven’t ...forgotten...the...key. We...never...had... a key. My name is Skylights! Now why do you think that is? Eh? It’s because in my younger days, before I was a pirate, I was a burglar. And do you know how I got into houses? By the skylight window. The window in the roof. There wasn’t a skylight window I couldn’t get through. I used to climb up the pipes in these days but tonight, with fairy dust, we can fly onto the roof. So let’s do it, O’Mullins. Let’s get into this building via the skylight window, me old shipmate!’

  Once on the roof Skylights worked his magic on the nearest window. Squeezing through the tight space they found themselves in an attic, being used as a kind of store. Once their eyes became accustomed to the dark, they saw it was full of musty old papers, cardboard boxes and ancient looking books. They wasted no time making their way down to the next level. Security lights lit up each landing so they could read the name plates of the various doctors and professors who occupied the offices. Skylights tried the handles but, as he expected, the rooms were locked. They moved silently down to the next floor where there appeared to be only one room. A double door labelled ‘Lecture Hall’ was wide open. Security lighting showed a room with tiered seating, enough for about 50 or 60 people and a small stage with a white screen on it. Skylights shook his head, and the two intruders continued down the stairway to the next floor, the one above ground level.

  ‘Eureka!’ said Skylights when he saw the word LABORATORIES on the first door. ‘This is what we are looking for.’

  He tried the door. It was locked. He removed his earring and, using the sharp pin, began to pick at the lock, straining to hear the tumblers in the mechanism. Before long he heard the click he was hoping for and the door opened effortlessly to reveal a long narrow corridor. A row of six identical doors faced him. His heart sank. They would be here all night at this rate.

  But luck was on their side and the doors were all labelled and unlocked. The first one said INVERTEBRATES, the next MISCELLANEOUS SMALL MARINE LIFE, the third AMPHIBIANS and the fourth REPTILES.

  ‘This must be it,’ said Skylights, opening the fourth door and advancing tentatively into the lab. ‘Put the light on,’ he said. ‘It’s pitch black in here.’

  As O’Mullins flicked the switch on the wall, the place flooded with light. There were benches with test tubes, various sizes of glass beakers and numerous pieces of scientific equipment. One wall was lined with reference books, another with glass cabinets containing small preserved lizard-like creatures, a few labelled skeletons and odd bones. But there was no sign of crocodiles. They backed out of the room. There were only two more possibilities. The fifth door was labelled MARINE ECO PROJECT, DUNDEE DIVISION.

  ‘Fingers crossed,’ said Skylights opening the door and switching on the light. An incredible but very welcome sight met his eyes. The biggest crocodile imaginable was lying on its back taking up the full length of a bench. Nose to tail the animal must have measured nine or ten metres. It was a monster. Approaching the bench Skylights saw that the animal had been cut open. The skin of its belly was pinned out for easy access to its organs. He looked inside the cavity. He was devastated. He stamped his feet, and let out a wailing howl, like a toddler having a temper tantrum. O’Mullins stared, his mouth agape. He’d never seen Skylights behave like this before.

  ‘It’s gone,’ Skylights whimpered. ‘The stomach has gone, and so has my one chance to get Hook. All this trouble and no stomach!!!! Aaah. aaaahhh.’ He sank to the floor and rolled about, clutching his own stomach as if in agony. ‘It’s not fair, it’s not fair. It’s an injustice. Why? Why? Why?’ he sobbed, kicking the floor with his heels. Afraid to interrupt his companion’s tirade O’Mullins spoke softly. ‘Look at this, Skylights!’ He stood at the other side of the lab, pointing to a deep container. ‘What’s this in here?’

  In a grey metal tray lay a haggis shaped object. It was much bigger than a haggis, a different colour from a haggis, and, unlike a haggis, it wobbled to the touch. It was very definitely a stomach, attached at one end to a weird shaped oesophagus and, at the other, to a very small intestine.

  Skylights jumped up from the floor, grabbed O’Mullins by the arms and kissed him on both cheeks. ‘Well done, me messmate! That’s it. That’s the stomach that holds Hook’s DNA. Billions of blisterin’ barnacles! That’s brilliant! Now all we have to do is get that giant water balloon out of here and back to Edinburgh, in one piece.’

  ‘Is that all?’ said O’Mullins, with just a touch of sarcasm. ‘It must weigh a ton.’

  ‘Now,’ said Skylights, looking around the lab, ‘we need to find a suitable container to transport it. It will be heavy so something with wheels would be good.’ His eyes came to rest on a bright orange wheelie bin in the corner of the lab. The label said HAZARDOUS WASTE.

  ‘The very thing,’ he said. ‘Help me, O’Mullins.’ O’Mullins moved the bin close to the bench and together they tipped the giant gelatinous blob of a stomach into it. It landed with a splat. The skin burst and the contents spilled into the bottom of the wheelie bin. Skylights quickly slammed down the lid. But not before a wisp of the foulest smelling aroma escaped.

  ‘No matter!’ he said. ‘We’ve got what we came for.’

  Two white overalls hung behind the laboratory door. Skylights snatched one and handing it to O’Mullins said, ‘Put that on. We’ll not be able to fly to Edinburgh carrying a wheelie bin so we’ll need to hitch a lift. Nobody would stop for two pirates but maybe we’ll have some luck if we look like scientists.’ They let themselves out the front door and stepped into the street, by now deserted. Pulling the orange wheelie bin behind them they headed off in the direction of the river where they hoped to find traffic heading south. They waited close to the Tay Road Bridge, and before long they persuaded a van driver that their vehicle had broken down and they urgently needed a lift to Edinburgh.

  ‘What’s in the bin?’ asked the van driver as he h
elped to load it in the back and secure it with heavy duty straps. ‘Do I hear it ticking? Hope it’s no’ a bomb you’ve got in there.’

  ‘Not at all,’ laughed O’Mullins. ‘It’s a........’ He stopped abruptly when Skylights stood on his toe.

  ‘Beating heart....top secret.... experimental stuff bound for the Roslin Institute,’ answered Skylights. He climbed into the cab before the driver could change his mind. He winked at O’Mullins. ‘Mission accomplished,’ he whispered.

  Back in Edinburgh, MacStarkey and Fitzsmee were sitting on the ramparts waiting for the others to arrive. They congratulated each other on their achievements of the past few hours.

  ‘You were great, MacStarkey. How did you know how to jump start that van we found parked in the High Street?’

  ‘Common sense, just common sense, pal. One engine is much like anither. I’ve always enjoyed tinkering wi’ machines,’ replied MacStarkey proudly. ‘Ah thought you did rather well, finding out a’ the stuff aboot the Prof and his lassie in yon institute.’

  ‘That was more luck than anything else,’ replied Fitzsmee modestly. ‘It must have been the luck o’ the Irish. Or else we had the pirate spirits on our side. Whatever it was, Skylights is sure to be pleased. We’ve accomplished all he asked us to do. And the icing on the cake was finding that old derelict hospital which is perfect for the job.’

  ‘Wheesht, a meenit, will ye? Listen. Dae ye hear somebody whistlin’?’ asked MacStarkey, getting up and looking over the walls of the castle.

  ‘Blisterin’ barnacles,’ exploded MacStarkey. ‘It’s Skylights and O’Mullins down below. And they’ve got an enormous orange thing with them.’

  ‘Get yourselves down here,’ shouted Skylights. ‘We can’t fly up there with this overweight piece of baggage.’

  Before long, the four pirates, and the stomach in the bin, were in the stolen van heading off to the abandoned hospital where they would carry out the next stage of their plan.

  Yes, it had been a highly successful night all round, for a band of pirates bent on revenge.