by Mari Carr
He ached to see her again. Regardless of his gut telling him the timing was wrong to embark on an affair, he was going to weaken. He needed to see her, talk to her, touch her. He was holding on to too much anger and agony. He was about to explode. Leah found a way to balance him, to bring him peace.
As he rolled up the driveway toward the barn in the farm pickup, he suspected his luck at avoiding a confrontation was about to run out. Cindi stood at the barn door, waiting for him. He climbed out of the truck, approached the flatbed and pulled down the tailgate. He’d driven into town to borrow some chairs from the fire hall for the wedding.
“Hey.” Cindi walked up to him. “Need some help?”
He’d love it, but he didn’t think he was going to like how much that assistance would cost him. “No thanks. I got it.”
She shrugged. “Too bad. Need a break from the books.”
He nodded, hoping to distract her. “Figure we can stack them in the corner of the barn until closer to the wedding day. They’ll be in the way if we try to set them up too soon.”
“Good idea.” She took one of the four metal chairs he’d off-loaded and led him to a clear patch in an empty stall.
They started stacking them, working in silence for a few minutes as they carried chairs from the truck to the barn.
Cindi actually held her tongue long enough for him to think he might dodge the bullet. He should have known better.
“You know, you’re going to have to talk to Sam eventually. How else is he going to ask you to be his best man?”
Sawyer paused in the midst of his chore. “Figured he had Silas lined up for that.”
Cindi threw him an exasperated glance. “Silas is Seth’s best man.”
“So he can do double-duty. He’ll already be standing there.”
Cindi added her chair to their growing pile none too gently, the metal clanging loudly. “Damn it, Sawyer. You’re messing up my wedding.”
He pushed his cowboy hat back on his head and glared at her. “I am? Well, forgive me, darlin’. Here I was thinking I was working my ass off for your special day. Guess I didn’t realize lugging chairs and flowers and mulch and fucking china all over kingdom come was ruining things for you.”
Cindi had been a permanent fixture on his family’s ranch for over two years. They had always enjoyed a comfortable friendship, playing rummy and hanging out whenever Sawyer was on leave. He was still trying to wrap his head around the fact Sam was marrying her. Not that he didn’t think they were a good match. Truth be told, Cindi was perfect for his brother. If only it weren’t all happening so fast.
“Don’t play dumb with me. You know what I’m talking about. None of that matters when you’re hurting the man I love. Sam is miserable. How long are you planning to keep up the silent treatment?”
Sawyer crossed his arms. “I figure he gave it to me for about eight weeks. That should work for me too.”
Cindi sighed. “Our wedding is in nine days, and for some reason I’m failing to understand more by the day, Sam is desperate for his twin brother to be his best man. Believe me, he’s kicking his own ass way harder than you ever could, questioning every move he made the last couple of months. He tried to call you—several times—despite the fact JD forbade him to. JD insisted you would have your shot at that new position.”
That sounded like JD. His father wouldn’t let anything come between his son and a promotion—not even his own failing health. “Doesn’t matter what JD said. Sam’s my twin. He should have known I would want to be here.”
“Clear the fury out of your ears and listen, Sawyer. No one could understand you more than Sam and me. My family didn’t even tell me my mom had cancer until she’d already died and my father blew his brains out rather than live without her. You think I’d wish that on anyone? That I would have let you experience the hell I did? Never saying goodbye…”
Oh, fuck. Sawyer couldn’t help himself. He cupped her elbow in his palm, steadying her until she shook the tears out of her eyes. “Christ, Cindi, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“No shit. Did you ever stop to think about what Sam’s been going through the last couple months?”
“Is everything all right in here?” Jake, one of the long-time ranch hands, poked his head into the stall where they stood. Sawyer didn’t remember the surly guy looking quite so thunderous in the past.
“Just fine, thanks.” Cindi painted on a brave face. “Could you please take the files on my desk up to Sam at the main house?”
Jake nodded and shuffled out.
“Cindi, listen—”
“No, Sawyer. Hear me out and maybe you’ll pull your head out of your ass before it’s too late. We’re all living on borrowed time these days. JD hates seeing you at odds. He’s important to me too, you know?”
The bare torment in her gaze ripped through him like a fishing spear. JD had noticed? He thought he’d hidden his anger better since the scene at the dining-room table.
“God, I’m—”
She shushed him before he could beg forgiveness.
“Zip that big mouth and open your ears. There was a hell of a lot more falling apart in Sam’s life than JD’s illness. Did you know he lost his job in New York?”
Sawyer reared back. “What? How? There’s no way that firm would fire Sam. He was the best thing to ever happen to them.” He’d assumed his brother had quit to move home for Cindi and JD.
Cindi shrugged. Rather than answer, she planted her hands firmly on her hips. She reminded him of Vicky when she got riled up.
Sawyer tried to hide a grin. He wondered if his brother realized exactly what he was signing up for, marrying this spitfire.
His smirk seemed to incite her annoyance. She jammed her index finger into his chest hard enough to leave a bruise. “Maybe if you took a look around, you’d realize you are not the only person hurting here.” Sawyer fought the instinct to retreat. “Sam needs you. He’s been to hell and back these last couple of months, and I do not appreciate you making him feel any shittier than he already does. The only way we’ll survive this is together. All of us.”
“Fine.”
His easy capitulation had Cindi narrowing her eyes. “Fine?”
He nodded. He couldn’t argue against a single thing she’d said. He was being a prick. He missed his brother. “Yeah. I’ll talk to Sam.”
“What about the head in your ass thing?”
He grinned. “I’ll pull it out.”
Cindi’s scowl morphed into a big smile. She flung her arms around his waist and hugged him tight enough to make his eyes water. At least he swore it was that and not this yawning loneliness that had dogged him since Leah disappeared in a cloud of Wyoming dust Sunday night. He’d gotten back to the house too late to say goodbye to her.
“Great. I’ll go find Sam and tell him you want to see him.”
“I always wondered what it’d be like to have a sister.” He gave her a squeeze. “Sam couldn’t have picked me a better one.”
“If you need a shoulder later, tomorrow, whenever, you know I’m here. I really do understand, baby brother.”
Oh shit. He groaned. Not her too.
“Wait. Cindi—” Before he could stop her, she was out the door. “Jesus,” he muttered, reeling as though he’d survived a tornado.
He’d decided to gather his thoughts as he unloaded more chairs when something in the corner caught his eye.
“Oh man. Hell yeah.” He couldn’t believe he’d forgotten one of the best things about being home. He jogged to the distant lump and pulled the cloth cover off his motorcycle. It was exactly as he’d left it. He must’ve been out of his mind to forget about her.
Sawyer stroked the sleek, sexy curves of his beloved Ducati. Leaving her behind had been the hardest thing about joining the Coast Guard. “How are you, my darling Jenn? God how I’ve missed you, girl.”
“Talking to the motorcycle again? Jeez, bro. I sort of thought you’d outgrown that stupid habit these past few years.�
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Sawyer rose. “Jenn and I have been away from each other for a long time. Have a little respect for the reunion. This is a pretty special moment.”
Sam chuckled and hastily apologized for his thoughtless comment. It was always this way between them—the jokes flying. Sawyer realized he’d rather laugh with his twin than yell.
“How the hell did Cindi find you so fast?”
“I was in the house working a deal. Got a tip last night on a stock and I was checking it out.”
Sawyer nodded. Same old brother. Sam, the financial whiz. “Going to make five million before you’re thirty?”
Sam gave him a secret smile that made Sawyer think his brother had already achieved that goal. Sam remained in the doorway of the barn, shifting from foot to foot. Sawyer was overwhelmed with guilt for the wedge he’d driven between them.
He raised his hands in an act of surrender. “You don’t have to worry. I’m not going to hit you again.”
Sam snorted. “Yeah, well, I’m not taking any chances. A black eye is not on Cindi’s list of approved accessories. You give me one before the wedding and she’ll kill both of us.” He leaned against the doorframe. “I prefer to keep my escape route close at hand.”
Sawyer sat sidesaddle on his motorcycle, suddenly weary. Anger took too much energy. “I’m sorry I punched you.”
Sam ran his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about JD. I picked up the phone a thousand times. Whenever I was ready to say it, I got your damn voice mail. Then when you did answer you sounded so happy, I just couldn’t find the words to steal that away from you.”
Sawyer understood. Even now, he couldn’t bring himself to say more than JD was sick. The idea of his dad dying was killing him. “What are we going to do without him?”
Sam shook his head. “Fuck if I know.”
“I keep trying to wrap my head around it, but I can’t make it stick. I look at him, and I can see how sick he is. Then he says or does something so completely JD, and I feel like everything’s fine.”
Sam nodded. “He’s been good since you’ve been home. Lucy seems to think it’s the wedding making him stronger. He’s really looking forward to it.”
Sawyer knew that to be true. It was one of the main things they discussed every night. JD was very pleased with Sam’s and Seth’s choices in brides. He talked about his future daughters-in-law like the sun rose and set on their shoulders. It comforted his father to know at least three of his sons had their futures settled. It was easy to look at Silas, Seth and Sam and know they’d found their paths.
While Sawyer was happy for his brothers, it was one more way he wasn’t fitting in these days. He was twenty-five years old. He’d left the only job he’d ever known. He had no idea what he wanted to do now.
Add to that confusion, his relationship with Leah was too unsettled, too fucked up. His thoughts of her were a jumbled mess in his head. In the past, he’d had no problem separating sex and emotion. With Leah, those lines were blurred. Half the time he didn’t think it was the physical comfort she offered that kept him coming back as much as the friendship. Lately she was the only person he could talk to. While he’d told her—and himself—it was just sex, just an exploration, he didn’t think that was true.
He had no idea where she stood with their liaison. He’d been all over the place on the emotional scale since they’d crash-landed in each other’s lives again. He’d been angry at his brothers, devastated about his father, and he’d exposed her to about every emotion in between. He didn’t blame her for keeping her distance these past few days.
It was time for him to get a grip. He needed to start with Sam. “The wedding will be good for him. For all of us. Cindi’s really something special. I’m happy for you, bro.”
Sam grinned. “She’s incredible. I’m not sure how I would have survived the last couple of months without her.”
“She told me about your job.”
Sam shrugged. “They fired me the same day I found out about JD.”
“Jesus.” Cindi was right. Sawyer had been an ass.
“Hindsight’s twenty-twenty. Turns out losing my job was the best thing that ever happened to me. I belong on this ranch. With Cindi.”
Sawyer snorted. “This from the guy who couldn’t wait to get the hell out of Wyoming. Thought the bright lights of New York were going to hold you in their snare forever. Don’t you miss your fancy high-rise apartment, the social life, the corner office? And what about that high-class bitch you were seeing…Belinda?”
“You never did like her, did you?”
“Hell, no.” Sawyer grimaced. “Sorry but she seemed like a cold fish. Pretty packaging, but no substance inside.”
“You can say that again. Nothing in that black heart except maybe ruthless greed. She’s the one who got me fired. Slept with me, smacked me around then told our bosses I’d coerced her into divulging her strategies for the new growth fund.”
“Fuck off. That bitch!”
Sam shook his head. “As for the rest, surprisingly, no. I don’t miss it. Not a bit. What about you? Are you happy about your decision to resign from the Coast Guard?”
Sawyer hadn’t had time to think about what he’d left. He’d boarded the plane in L.A. and he hadn’t looked back. “It’s still too new. Not sure I’ve had time to consider the fact I’m not returning to work. Sort of feels like I’m on leave.”
“I can understand that. Been a crazy week for you. Resigning from your job, coming home, finding out about JD. Seemed like there might have been some sparks between you and Leah, too. A lot to process in a few days. You think you’ll be happy working on the ranch?”
Unfortunately, Sawyer did know the answer to that question. He wasn’t a born rancher like Seth and Silas. While he loved the land, he didn’t enjoy the prospect of working on it for the rest of his life. “Maybe.”
Sam studied his face closely. Sawyer tried to paste on an impassive expression, but it was wasted on his brother. “That means no. I’ve been meaning to tell you there’s a position open in town.”
“Clerk at the mini-mart? Or maybe garbage man?” He wasn’t joking. In a town as small as theirs, the options were limited. He’d do anything if it was an honest living, at least for a while. “What kind of position?”
Sam grinned. “Roberts is retiring as sheriff.”
Sawyer chuckled. “In other words, Compton Pass needs a police force.” Roberts was the only lawman the town required.
“Yep. JD and I were talking the other day. Seems to us you’d be a natural.”
Sawyer rubbed the nape of his neck. A great deal of his Coast Guard work had involved boarding and searching boats suspected of running drugs. He definitely had some law-enforcement training. Hell, he probably had more experience than the job called for. The only crimes he’d ever heard committed in Compton Pass involved cattle rustling, shoplifting at the local Piggly Wiggly and the occasional drunk in public. “That actually sounds pretty good to me. I’ll look into it. Although God knows when I’ll get a chance to see Roberts with all the shit we’ve got going on here to get ready for the wedding. Think Mom will give me an hour off for good behavior?”
“Probably, but you should plan on asking for that tomorrow. Tonight’s agenda includes discussing the music with Leah. She’s coming for dinner.”
Sawyer tried to act nonchalant. “Oh. That’s nice.”
Sam laughed. “Jesus. Don’t ever take up acting, man. That was a pathetic attempt at disinterest.”
Sawyer scowled, standing up to scrutinize the gauges on his motorcycle. His brother read too much in his face and he was afraid of what he might see now. “Leah and I are renewing the friendship we had in high school.”
“I don’t remember you two having sex back then,” Sam joked.
“So we’re expanding on the relationship a bit.”
Sam crossed his arms. “Yeah. It seemed obvious when you showed up here your just friends status had changed.”
“I ran into her at a BDSM party in L.A.”
Sam’s eyes widened. “Damn. Wouldn’t have expected her to go for that. She seems too sweet for the rough stuff.”
Sawyer shook his head as he turned to face Sam. “There’s a hell of a lot more to her than meets the eye. She’s strong and honest and independent, but there’s this vulnerability inside her that softens all of that and makes a man…” Sawyer swallowed heavily, wondering where the hell all that had come from.
Sam simply nodded. “I see.”
Sawyer wished his brother would clue him in. “We’re keeping it casual. It’s a no-strings affair.”
Sam grinned crookedly. “Is that right?” His twin’s tone told him he didn’t believe him.
His temper tweaked. “Damn straight.”
Sam shrugged, not pushing the envelope. “Whatever you say.”
“I’m serious, Sam. It’s just sex. Jesus. How the hell could I even think about starting more with JD so sick?”
Sam stepped into the barn. “I don’t think it’s a question of timing, Saw. Or maybe it is. Cindi found me at the lowest point of my life and she built me up, brick by brick, until I was strong enough to stand on my own two feet again. She’d tell you I did the same thing for her. Looks to me like you could use a good carpenter these days. I’d suggest you not waste precious moments, like I did. It happened so fast it made my head spin. That didn’t make it any less real.”
“How fast is fast?” Could you fall in love after just one day? One amazing fuck?
“Uh, I don’t like to brag but…” Sam wiggled his eyebrows. “I might have made love to her my first night home. Sure, I called it rebound sex, a way to numb the pain, or maybe just some crazy release from the disaster my life had morphed into overnight.”
“But it wasn’t any of those things?” Sawyer tilted his head.
“Nah. Well, maybe, yes. It was all of those things. And more.” Sam stared at him so long he thought he might never speak again.
