The Fire In My Eyes

by Christopher Nelson

  “Don't be sorry. I'm the one who should be sorry for not being as involved in your life as I should have been.” She drummed her fingers on my desk. “And here I go again, poking my head in, just to check and see how you're doing, and then leaving before you even have a chance to tell me.”

  “Are you leaving right after the meeting?” I asked.

  “Yes, I'll be leaving for New York City, and then off to the west coast later in the week. Busy times coming.” She bounced up to her feet, brushing her skirt off again and then the sleeves of her jacket. “As for your computer, I've taken the liberty of getting you one. I assume it'll be acceptable, it was the most expensive laptop in the store.”

  I got to my feet as well. “It should be fine. I don't really need a top of the line one. I wish you had given me a choice, though. You probably spent too much.”

  She shrugged and led the way out of the room, striding down the hall fast enough that I had to jog to catch up. I didn't even have time to put my shoes on. “You took days to produce a list of parts and only saved a hundred and twenty dollars. I don't have the time for that.”

  “You could have just given me the money,” I pointed out as we walked through the first floor lounge. Heads turned as my mom swept through. “I mean, not to sound greedy, but it would have been easier that way, for both of us.”

  “Well, excuse me for wanting to see my son for the first time since he started school up here,” she snapped as she thrust the doors open.

  “I didn't mean it that way,” I said. “I mean, I just would have appreciated the ability to make my own choice of computer.”

  Her car was something very sporty, just like all the other cars I had ever seen her rent. The alarm beeped as we walked up to it. “I'm not confident in your ability to make well-informed choices as yet, Kevin,” she told me. “Aside from attending this school, at least. Show me you can continue to make good choices as an adult and I'll treat you as an adult.”

  I didn't have much of a response to that. She hadn't approved of my decision to go to community college and left Dad to foot the bill on that. When I had transferred here, she had never asked me why, only told me that she'd pay for it since she approved. She didn't have a clue as to what had made me want to get away from home. She had always put more weight on the choices I made, not the reasons why I made them.

  I clamped down on that hurt and forced myself to respond rationally. “I understand,” I said. “I just wish you'd been around more so you could see why I made the choices that I did.”

  She popped the trunk open and pulled a box out. “I wish I had been around more too.” She put the box down on the ground, closed the trunk, then stepped over to me and gave me a hug. Physical affection from her was always quick, intense, and surprising. “I am proud of what you're trying to accomplish here,” she said as she let go. “And I'll be proud of you for trying, whether you succeed or not.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “And thanks for the computer.”

  “Send me an e-mail when you get it set up,” she told me. “I won't be able to check until I'm in the city, or maybe from the airport in Albany, but just let me know if it will work for your classes. I probably won't be back in this area for a few months, but when I am, I'll let you know. I expect that I'll be able to take you out to dinner, and hopefully by then, you'll have a girlfriend to bring with you.”

  I rubbed at my forehead again. “I'll work on it, but no promises.”

  She smiled at me and pulled the door open. “I'll be in touch. Take care, Kevin.”

  I picked up the box and stepped away from her car. She pulled away and zoomed across the parking lot, then turned onto the main road and vanished downhill. I sighed and turned around just in time to see Max approaching. “Nice car,” he called.

  “Yeah,” I said. “Not as nice as yours, though.”

  He blew smoke at me and laughed. “Laugh all you want, but remember, I have a car, and you don't. So who was that? She looked hot for an older woman. Grad student? Are you going for older chicks now? Cougar?”

  “My mom,” I said.

  Max slapped his forehead. “No shit? You've got to be kidding me.”

  “I'll let her know you think she's cute and that she looks young enough to pass for a graduate student. She'll be thrilled to hear that,” I said.

  We started walking back to the dorm. My feet were cold. The weather was getting warmer, but it still wasn't comfortable to go outside in bare feet. “Too bad I was at lunch and didn't get a chance to meet her. So what was she doing here?” Max asked. “Dropping off a care package?”

  “Sort of. She got me a laptop,” I said. “Apparently an expensive one.”

  He stubbed his cigarette out in an ashtray before we entered the dorm. “Not bad. Your family's pretty well off, then?”

  “My mom is,” I said. Max raised an eyebrow. “My parents are separated. Not divorced, but they keep separate households. She travels a lot, my dad stays put. They've been that way as long as I can remember.”

  “Sucks to have an absent parent,” Max said. “My dad's gone a lot of the time. He's a lot more tolerable than my mom. Probably because he's gone so much. Maybe it doesn't suck as much as I thought it did. What does your mom do?”

  “Professional mediator and arbitrator,” I said. “Business level, legal level, personal level, you name it, she's done it. She doesn't talk about it much, and I don't ask. All I know is that she's traveling all the time and she gets paid well enough to put me through school here.”

  Max whistled, the sharp note echoing in the stairwell as we walked up to the second floor. “Sounds like a pretty weird family life. No offense intended.”

  “You'd know what weird family life is like more than I would,” I said.

  “I would, wouldn't I? Did you leave the door open?”

  “I got rushed out of the room. Sorry about that.”

  “No problem. So now you're going to have your own computer and won't have to borrow mine anymore? Good deal. Got anything on my system you'll need?” I put the box down on my bed and Max closed the door behind us.

  “I don't think so,” I said, using my key to cut the tape on the box. “But if you find anything, I guess you can e-mail it to me.”

  “Sure, no problem,” he said, and pulled his chair over. “Let's see the specs on this thing. High end laptop?”

  “Apparently,” I said, pulling the actual laptop out and passing the box to Max. I wasn't too concerned about the specs on a laptop. I didn't plan on using it for anything other than schoolwork and the program Ripley had given to me.

  Max let out another whistle. “Damn, this thing is impressive. Beast of a machine, Kev.”

  He handed me a piece of paper with instructions for setting the system up. “To ensure your new laptop's battery is fully charged, plug the unit in for at least four hours before turning it on for the first time,” I read. “Damn. I was hoping to get it up and running.”

  “Fair enough. What are you going to do in the meantime, then?” Max asked.

  “I think I’m going to try talking with Nikki,” I said.

  Max blinked. “Nikki?”

  “Kaitlyn's roommate.”

  “Oh, the chick who shot you down. Why bother?”

  I shrugged. “Just have some things I want to say. I think we can work things out. I don't know what room she's in, though. Lisa would know, but I don't want to disturb her and Drew.”

  Max chuckled. “You wouldn't be disturbing anything today. I haven't seen Drew at all today, he was gone before I got up. Lisa cornered me at breakfast and begged me to take her and Jess shopping later.”

  “And you agreed to this?” I asked.

  “Why not? I don't have anything better to do today.”

  “You agreed because Jess is going.”

  He flushed. “Yeah, well, what can I say? We talked a lot on the way back from my parents' place. She's pretty awesome. And you know I've had a thing for her.”

  “Yeah, I know. Wouldn't it
be weird if you got with her and Drew got with Lisa? You two could go on double dates.” I grinned at him.

  He didn't smile. “And leave you out again, like over spring break.”

  The grin slid off my face. “I didn't think anyone had noticed.”

  “I did. Jess did too. Wasn't much we could do about it then, you really did seem to want to be alone most of the time, at least according to her. Sorry about that, Kev. If I had been around more, things might have been more fun for you.”

  “Don't get too worried about me,” I told him. “I'm not the social type, you know that. I did have fun, I got to relax and read some books I hadn't read before. You have a good library there. Seriously, don't worry too much about it. I'm an only child. I'm used to finding ways to keep myself entertained.”

  Max finally did grin. “I'm not worrying too much about it, as long as you're fine now. Since you're going to go off and chase down that chick, I'd say you're getting back to normal. You sure you want to go chasing her today? You could come with us instead. Maybe you could steal Lisa away from Drew.”

  “I have no interest in doing that,” I said.

  “I know, I was just joking,” he said. “Kaitlyn's in room C317, by the way.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Like any guy in this building isn't interested in where Kaitlyn lives? I heard it from Andreas.”

  “I'm sure,” I said.

  After Max left and I had the laptop plugged in, I went into the bathroom to clean up, then threw a dark blue shirt on over my t-shirt. I hadn't seen Nikki at all this trimester, though we were only one week into it. Her schedule would obviously be different, but it still felt strange, like I should have run into her long before now..

  Her room was easy enough to find and I paused in front of it. It looked just like every other door on the floor, but Nikki might be behind it. What was I going to say to her? “Sorry about throwing you into a wall”? I couldn't admit to that, and she wasn't supposed to remember it either. “Sorry for avoiding you” was much more accurate and maybe she'd understand.

  I knocked on the door before I could lose my nerve. After a few seconds, the door opened and Kaitlyn raised an eyebrow at me. “Oh, hey. Kevin, right?” She was wearing white shorts and a white cutoff top, and her tan was noticeably darker than it had been when I first met her in February.

  I nodded. “Hi, Kaitlyn. I was just wondering if Nikki was around.”

  She shook her head. “She's not here, she said something about a study session or a project or something like that. Hey, what are you looking at?”

  I snapped my eyes back up from where they had been drifting. “Oh, sorry, I was just noticing how tan you are.”

  “Nice save.” She held her arm out. “I'm totally tanned now. Spent most of the month back home on the beach. Look how white you are compared to me!” She grabbed my arm and held it up next to hers. My skin was ghostly in comparison.

  “I apparently don't get enough sun,” I admitted.

  “Nowhere near enough!” she agreed. “Did you notice something else about my tan?”

  I shook my head. “No, not really, what?”

  “See any tan lines?” Her smile widened.

  “I didn't notice any.”

  “Look again.” I let my eyes drift again at her invitation, but there were no tan lines where I could see. The girl really did like being looked at. “Impressive, right?”

  “Most impressive,” I agreed. “Did you use a tanning bed to even it out?”

  “Are you kidding? Totally not my style. No way, I am all natural. I do have some tan lines though. You want to see?” She leaned forward and I took a step back.

  “Maybe some other time,” I said, trying to steer the conversation back to safer topics. The last thing I wanted right now was for Nikki to find me flirting with her roommate. “Did Nikki mention when she was going to be back?”

  “Nope.” Kaitlyn stepped back into her room, leaving ample room for me to come in if I wanted to. “So back to the more important thing here, the tan lines! The first thing I did when I went home was buy this strapless bikini. You know, the twisted top type? It's so awesome and it lets me have bare shoulders without having any tan lines showing.”

  She looked like she was expecting a comment on that. I wasn't sure what to say. She was gorgeous, the classic blue-eyed blonde-haired California girl that I had seen on countless television shows, but I was sure that she was just being a tease. “Sounds pretty hot,” I said.

  Kaitlyn beamed at me. “Super hot! You want to see it?”

  “You brought it with you?”

  “Of course!” She looked at me as if I was clueless. “It's going to get really hot in June and July. I'm totally going to be hitting the pool and doing some sunbathing. Now, look, I've got no tan lines up to here.” She pulled her top up a bit, revealing smooth, tan skin.

  I took a step sideways. This sort of teasing was going too far for me. Even if I did want to see her naked, I was sure she wouldn't follow through. “I'm sure you've got other things to do today, I don't want to keep you.”

  “I don't have anything to do until this evening,” she said, letting her top slide back down. “I know! You could keep me company this afternoon and catch Nikki when she gets back. Come in and spend some time with me! You seem like an interesting guy.”

  “I'm flattered, really, I am,” I said. Looking in both directions down the hallway, I saw that my escape route was clear. “Look, could you just tell Nikki that I came by and wanted to talk with her? I'd really appreciate it.”

  She pouted at me. “You're no fun at all. I was just teasing you.” Her pout vanished as quickly as it had appeared and she laughed. “Did you really think I'd put on my bikini just for you? I was just going to show you some pictures and maybe tease you a little more.”

  “Where's the fun in that?” I asked.

  “Teasing boys is fun for me,” she told me. “Plus, they like it too. I would have made it worth your time.”

  “Most guys would,” I said. “But I'm not interested in girls like you. Sorry.”

  Her smile widened. “Oh, that's fine. I'm not interested in guys like you either. Sorry.”

  “I'm glad we could have this little talk,” I said. Not just a tease, a bitch as well.

  “Me too. I'll let Nikki know that you dropped by. I doubt she'll care, though,” she said, and started to close the door.

  “Wait!” She paused with the door half closed. “What do you mean?”

  She pushed the door back open and pressed a finger to her lips. “Well, maybe because you've been avoiding her since Valentine's Day, and maybe because you haven't been talking to her, or paying any attention to her, or even looking at her.” I winced, but she continued on. “And now, ever since she got back to school, she's been so depressed. She won't talk to me about anything, she just goes to classes, studies, and sleeps. I don't know if she even eats anymore!”

  “And you don't have any idea what's going on with her?” I asked.

  She shrugged. “Why do you care? You gave up, didn't you?” She started to close the door again.

  I grabbed the door before she could slam it in my face. “I didn't give up, I just didn't want to hurt her!”

  Kaitlyn rolled her eyes and peeled my hand off the door. “You failed.”

  The door closed and I heard the lock click. My mind raced. Nikki had been depressed ever since coming back to school this trimester? Had she broken up with her boyfriend? If that had happened, maybe I'd have a chance. I just had to be patient and give her time. There was no need to rush things.

  I went back to my room and found it empty. Max and the girls wouldn't be back for a while and Drew had vanished. The laptop was still charging. Even though I was tempted to power it on and install the software that Ripley had given to me, I didn't know when Drew would be getting back, and knowing my luck, he'd walk in at the wrong time. I'd have to wait. In the meantime, though, I could practice a little on my own.

 
Shade expected me to fail or cause a disaster. Alistair Ripley expected great things from me. My mom expected me to find a girlfriend and explore that side of life. I took a deep breath and tapped my power, highlighting my room in green. One goal at a time.

  Chapter Twelve

  Whatever hope I had of working things out with Nikki quickly dwindled. She never got back to me that weekend, and even though I dropped by her room from time to time, she was never there. Kaitlyn always agreed to pass my messages along, but I never knew if she did. She never teased me again, simply gave me an empty smile and got rid of me as soon as possible. After the first couple of weeks, I stopped visiting. She was blatantly avoiding me, just as I had avoided her.

  By the time Memorial Day weekend arrived, my thoughts of Nikki made it difficult to focus on my training. Shade took advantage of that distraction. “Stop crying over your poor little broken heart,” his voice whispered in my mind. “Concentrate. You'll never master telepathic discipline if you let yourself be controlled by your emotions.”

  I thrust him out of my mind and spoke aloud. “You're more distracting than any thoughts of her are.”

  “Good.” His eyes abruptly stopped glowing and he gestured for me to sit down. I dropped down on the rooftop and leaned back on my hands to listen to him. “While you're still pushing me out like a four year old throwing a tantrum, at least you're accomplishing the basic goal. Remember your defenses. Review. What's the point of a telepathic attack?”

  “It's a waste of time,” I said. “Defending your own mind against external influence is instinctive, and attacking another's mind takes a lot of concentration and power. The only ways it can be effective, according to what you've said, is to take advantage of someone's trust, or as a distraction. And in both those cases, you've got much easier ways to hurt them.”

  Shade clapped his hands together. “Good enough. You’ve grasped the basics. There are ways to get into someone's mind if they aren't paying attention, but that's an advanced topic. We'll be going over that and other advanced topics of telepathy in June, such as longer distance communication, and having a mental setting from which you can speak telepathically with people in real time. It's much more comfortable than just pushing words to another person.”