Secrets and Solace

by Jana Richards

  “You can pick up his truck at the roadhouse. I’ll leave his keys under the seat. Then, you can stay with him at his place tonight. He shouldn’t be alone.”

  Scarlet brushed away her tears. Cameron needed her to be strong right now. “I’ll meet you at his house.”

  “I’m sorry, Scarlet,” Reese said. “He said he doesn’t want you to see him like this. Can you stay with your sisters?”

  The pain hit hard, fast and unexpected. He was in his greatest hour of need, and he didn’t want her. Maggie wrapped her arms around Scarlet’s waist and she clung to her.

  “If that’s what he wants. Tell him I’ll see him tomorrow.”

  “Okay. I’m almost there. I’ll call you later, Ethan.”

  “Thanks, Reese.”

  He ended the call and for several moments they stood motionless, too shocked to move or speak. Finally, Maggie broke the silence. “I’m going to make tea.” She gave Scarlet one last hug before letting go.

  Scarlet couldn’t move, could barely breathe. Tessa wasn’t Cameron’s daughter. He was drinking again. It was too much.

  Ethan let out a long breath, the sound weary and sad. “Harper, can you drive me to the roadhouse to pick up Cam’s truck? I don’t want him to be alone for long.”

  “Of course.”

  Ethan grasped Scarlet’s hand. “He’ll be all right.” He spoke as much to himself as to her. “This has been a terrible shock for him, for all of us, but Cam will get through this. He’ll want to see you tomorrow.”

  Scarlet managed a nod. She prayed he would get past the loss of his daughter without totally losing his sobriety. She knew how hard he’d worked for it, how much it meant to him.

  Cameron might come through it, but she wasn’t sure she would. All she could think was that when it mattered most, he didn’t want her.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Cam glanced at Reese as he climbed onto the stool next to him at the bar. The bartender appeared a moment later. “What can I get you?”

  “Coffee, black, two sugars,” Reese said.

  “And you?” The bartender tipped his chin toward the untouched glass of Crown and coke in front of him. “You want another one of those, or do you want coffee, too?”

  “No. Nothing.”

  “Suit yourself.” The bartender shrugged and moved away.

  “How many of those have you had?” Reese asked.

  “A couple.”

  “How come you haven’t touched that one?”

  Good question. Cam had been staring at the glass for the last thirty minutes. He’d downed the first two drinks within the first ten minutes of arriving at the roadhouse. But after ordering the third, he hesitated. Another drink would lead to another and another and the sweet oblivion he sought. The remembered taste beckoned, enticed, tormented.

  So, why was he still sitting here staring at it?

  Reese’s coffee arrived and he took his time tearing open the paper packets of sugar and pouring them into his cup. He stirred slowly, his movements unhurried. “Why are you punishing yourself?”

  “I’m not doing that.”

  “Like hell you aren’t. First you break your sobriety and then you torture yourself with booze. You might as well hold a loaded gun to your head. Either one is going to kill you, one just faster than the other.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Reese ignored him. “Ethan told me about the results of the DNA test. You’re punishing yourself for not being Tessa’s biological father? I hate to break it to you, but that was never within your control.”

  “I’m not punishing myself, I’m grieving. She’s not my daughter! Do you know what that means?” Cam hissed the words at Reese. “I may never see her again. I’ll never kiss her goodnight, or teach her how to ride a bike. I won’t give her away at her wedding.”

  His voice caught on a sob. He closed his eyes and held his breath, his hands fisting on the bar. He didn’t want to lose it here, with the bartender and the rest of the crowd watching.

  “I understand what you’re going through, more than you know. You’ve got two choices right now. You can drink yourself into a stupor, or you can choose to live. As someone who chose the drinking route, I don’t recommend it. And since you called me, my guess is that you don’t want to take that route either.”

  “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

  “It matters. What about Scarlet? I’ve seen the two of you together. She loves you and, unless I’m totally off base, you love her, too. You have a chance for a life with her, maybe more children. Don’t throw that away.”

  “Don’t you understand? I was fooling myself into thinking we could have a life together, but I was wrong. Look at me. I’m a drunk. I’ll always be a drunk. Scarlet deserves better than that.”

  “She was hurt when I told her you didn’t want to see her. I could hear it in her voice. She wants to be with you, no matter what. She’s not afraid of the future, but you are, aren’t you?”

  “It’s for her own good. I’ll only make her miserable, like my father made my mother miserable with his drinking.”

  Reese lowered his voice to a mere whisper that Cam had to strain to hear. “You think you’re being so damn noble, don’t you? But let me tell you, you’re not being noble. You’re being a damn coward. You’re so afraid of being hurt again, of losing someone else you love, that you’re pushing her away before she has a chance to leave you on her own.”

  Cam curled his fingers around his glass. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Or maybe you’re testing her, to see how far you can push her before she runs away. Then, you can tell yourself she never really loved you.”

  Despair welled up inside him. “Don’t you get it? I’m no good for her. The first thing I thought of after my lawyer told me I’m not Tessa’s father was that I needed a drink.”

  “And yet here we are, staring at that untouched glass.” Reese sighed and rubbed a hand across his face. “Are you ready to go home? I don’t like to leave Abby alone for long.”

  Cam silently cursed himself. He’d been so caught up in his own grief and pain that he forgot Reese had his own worries.

  He nodded and slid off the barstool, throwing a couple of bills on the bar to cover their drinks. Taking one last, longing look at his untouched drink, he followed Reese out the door.

  “Give me the keys to your truck,” Reese said once they were outside. “Ethan’s going to pick it up and then spend the night at your house.”

  Cam tossed Reese his keys. “He doesn’t need to babysit me.”

  “Yeah, he does. Trust me, you don’t want to be alone tonight.”

  He immediately thought of Scarlet, the warmth of her body curled next to his, and the sweet scent of her skin. There was no one he wanted to be with more, especially tonight. But no matter what Reese said, she was better off without him.

  They drove in silence back to his house. Reese unlocked the house and let him in. “Ethan will be here soon.”

  “Thanks, Reese. I’m sorry I dragged you out tonight. Say hi to Abby for me and tell her I’m sorry, too.”

  “I will.” He started to leave and then turned back. “You called me tonight because you don’t want to repeat your past. You might not realize it right now because you’re hurting so much, but you’re strong. You stopped at two drinks. A part of you wants to live a good, sober life.”

  Cam simply nodded, though he couldn’t see Reese’s logic through the fog of pain and the alcohol he’d consumed.

  “What about Scarlet? Is there any message you want me to give her?”

  What he needed to say to Scarlet couldn’t be said through an intermediary. He had to face her himself. “Tell her…tell her to stay with Maggie tonight. I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”

  Reese shook his head, disappointment evident in the look he gave him. “All right, but I think you’re making a big mistake.”

  The only mistake he’d made was to let his relationshi
p with Scarlet go as far as it had.

  The next morning, Scarlet watched Cameron drive past Maggie’s cottage on his way to the worksite. Later, when she and Maggie brought coffee and cookies to the men for their morning break, he simply nodded hello to her. The distance she saw in his eyes, as if they’d meant nothing to each other, scared her. The only bright spot was that he didn’t appear hung over.

  At lunchtime, Cameron was the last to arrive at Maggie’s cottage. Harper went to him and gave him a hug, whispering something in his ear that Scarlet couldn’t hear. He hugged her back, bending slightly over her small frame, his eyes closed. After a moment, they broke their embrace. Harper seized his hand and led him to the table. Ethan clapped him on the back in silent support and Cameron sat.

  Scarlet sat across the table from Cameron, her stomach so tied up in knots she knew she wouldn’t be able to eat. Maggie set a bowl of soup in front of her and she managed a few sips, but mostly she stirred the vegetables and bits of chicken around with her spoon.

  A somber mood hung over the table. No one said much. Ethan asked Reese a couple of questions about the progress of the renovations on the lodge, and Harper asked how Abby was doing. Reese replied to both questions, but without his usual good humor; the renovations were on target time-wise, and Abby was about the same, whatever that meant.

  Scarlet felt Cameron’s gaze on her a few times, but whenever she looked up, he looked away. Finally, lunch was over and the men pushed away from the table. She rose to help Maggie clear the table.

  Cameron appeared at her side. “Can I speak to you outside, in private?” he asked in a soft voice.

  Scarlet looked up into his unsmiling face and she knew. He was going to say goodbye.

  She nodded and followed him outside, her gut twisting. If she could avoid this conversation she would, but she didn’t have any choice.

  Cameron led her into the woods, to the spot where she’d confessed a lifetime of shame and worries. He’d given her comfort there, but this time would be different.

  He finally turned to face her. “I’m sorry, Scarlet. I don’t want to hurt you, but I think it’s best if we don’t see each other anymore.”

  Hearing the words spoken aloud hurt even more than she had imagined they would. She blinked away tears, suddenly angry. “So, do I get any say in this, or have you decided all by yourself?”

  “Please don’t make this any harder than it needs to be.” His throat worked, giving her hope that this wasn’t any easier for him than it was for her.

  She closed the distance between them and placed her hand on his arm. His skin was warm to the touch. “I know you’re devastated about Tessa. But don’t throw us away because you’re not thinking clearly.”

  “My thinking is perfectly clear. This has nothing to do with Tessa.” He removed her hand. “You’re a good person, Scarlet, but we’re not right for each other. I’ve known for a while now that our relationship wasn’t going anywhere. The sex was great, but that’s all we had.”

  She stared at him, struck dumb by his words. Every confidence they’d shared, every whispered endearment, meant nothing to him? She felt closer to Cameron than to any man she’d ever known. For God’s sake, she’d shared more secrets with him than she had with her sisters.

  But for him it was only about the sex!

  “I’m sorry. I should get back to work.” He walked a short distance away before looking back at her. “Are you going to be all right? Do you want me to send your sisters?”

  She snapped to attention. There was no way she’d let him know how much more their relationship meant to her than it did to him. “No, of course not. I’m fine.”

  He searched her face for a moment, then, after giving her a brief nod, turned and left.

  When she could no longer see him through the trees, she sank to her knees, her fall cushioned by a blanket of dry leaves. She stayed like that for a long time, too shocked to even cry.

  All this time she’d thought they had something special. How ironic that the first time she was prepared to stay and make a relationship work, the man she loved would be the one to run away.

  If her heart hadn’t been ripped in two, she would have laughed.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Cam recited the serenity prayer with the small group assembled in the church basement. He needed a meeting tonight, needed the company of fellow alcoholics who could understand at least some of the pain he was going through.

  And if he was at a meeting, he wouldn’t be at some roadhouse getting drunk. After what he’d had to do today, he wished he could use alcohol to forget the look of hurt on Scarlet’s face. But experience told him the relief alcohol provided was only temporary. When he sobered up, Tessa still wouldn’t be his daughter and Scarlet would be out of his life.

  The pain of acknowledging those two facts nearly brought him to his knees. How the hell could he go on without them?

  Reese sat next to him sipping coffee. When it came time to share, he indicated with a lift of his chin that Cam should go up to the podium. Cam resisted, not sure if he was ready to spill his guts, even here. But Reese wouldn’t give up.

  “Go,” he whispered. “You need this.”

  Cam reluctantly rose to his feet and headed to the podium. He gripped the wooden stand and stared out at the small group, his heart racing. “Hello, my name is Cam and I’m an alcoholic.”

  “Hello Cam,” came the reply.

  “It’s been one day since my last drink. I broke my sobriety of three years when I discovered that the child I’d called my daughter for the last five years wasn’t mine and that I’m going to lose her forever.”

  He paused and lowered his head. The black despair that had been with him since Erin Cochrane first broke the news about Tessa’s parentage hovered on the edge of his consciousness. He had nothing to fight for anymore.

  Cam closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing. In and out, in and out. The only thing he had left was a fervent desire not to turn into a bitter, angry, drunk like his father.

  He lifted his head and looked at the crowd. “My first inclination when I heard the news was to drink, to forget. There’s a woman in my life, a woman I care about very much. She deserves better than me. How can I be with her when at the first sign of trouble I turn to alcohol? I can’t promise her, or even myself, that it won’t happen again. I can’t, I won’t, break her the way my father broke my mother. He promised her a hundred times he’d stop drinking, and he broke every one of those promises. He made her believe she was the reason he drank, that it was all her fault. By the time she died, my mother had nothing left, financially, emotionally, spiritually.

  “I can’t do that to the woman I care about. So, I broke it off. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she’s much better off without me. Maybe…maybe someday she’ll forgive me.”

  Cam resumed his seat and a couple more people got up to share. One was a woman who had killed a teenager while driving drunk. Her grief and guilt, even after ten years, filled the church basement.

  He listened and said a prayer of thanks that it wasn’t him. He was sure everyone else in the room did the same thing.

  After the meeting, he helped himself to coffee and cookies at the back of the room, reluctant to leave and go home to his empty house. He made small talk with a few people while he sipped his coffee, but eventually he couldn’t put it off any longer. People were filing out and it was time for him to go.

  As he left the church, Cam spotted Reese and fell into step with him. “You want to grab a coffee?”

  “No, I need to get home to Abby. I’ve been away from her long enough today.”

  When they reached the sidewalk, Reese stopped and turned to him, his voice low. “So you’ve broken off with Scarlet?”

  Cam looked away. “Yeah. Like I said, she’s better off.”

  “Is she? I was there at that roadhouse with you. You could have drunk yourself into oblivion, but instead you stopped after two drinks.”

  “I can�
��t promise that the next time I’ll do the same thing. I can’t promise her anything.”

  “I think you’re wrong, Cam. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’ve been dealt a lousy hand, and you’ve bent, but you haven’t broken. Don’t send Scarlet away.”

  “It’s too late. We’re done. She was always leaving anyway.”

  “Don’t put this on her. If you’re done, it’s because you ended it.”

  Reese was right. None of this was Scarlet’s fault.

  “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I know what you said about it being over with you and Scarlet, but I want to say the love of a good woman can make all the difference in your life. It has for me. If there’s any chance of getting back with her, take it.”

  He’d deliberately hurt Scarlet, letting her think their relationship meant nothing to him aside from the sex. He’d probably never forget the look of stunned disbelief and pain on her face. After what he’d said to her, there was no hope for reconciliation. He’d burned that bridge to cinders.

  “Are you sure this is what you want to do? You still have four more weeks left of your leave of absence,” Maggie said as she pulled Scarlet’s clothes out of the closet, removed the hangers and tossed them on the bed.

  Scarlet folded a sweater and placed it in her suitcase. “Yes, I’m sure. It’s time for me to go. My co-workers are getting snowed-under trying to do my share of the work, and my manager is getting impatient. I can update the website and manage the lodge’s social media accounts from Chicago. I’ll need you guys to send me pictures of the progress on the renovations.”

  “Yes, of course. We can do that.” Harper carefully folded a T-shirt. “I know everything you say is true but please, between the three of us, let’s be honest. You’re leaving early because of Cam.”

  Scarlet sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. She’d given her sisters an edited version of the conversation she and Cameron had had two days ago, in which they had mutually decided to go their separate ways.