No Place to Hide

by Susan Lewis

  “Matt, stop…”

  “It’s true, Justine. She might not have all the same character defects as Ben, thank God, but she’s not always a nice person. She’s bossy, far too pleased with herself, vain, pompous, jealous of Lula…”

  “Stop! I’m not listening to any more of this. Tearing our children to shreds isn’t going to help them, or us.”

  “Maybe not, but for your mother to say that we shouldn’t blame ourselves is like offering us a way to absolve ourselves of a responsibility that couldn’t possibly belong to anyone else. Which actually about fits the ticket with her, given that she never assumed much responsibility for you and Rob.”

  “That’s not fair. She might not have been as hands-on as your mother, but she was always there for us when we needed her. OK, not in the same way as yours was for you, but everyone’s different, and let’s not forget if it weren’t for her we’d never have been able to buy the farmhouse. She made that dream come true for us.”

  “All right, I hear what you’re saying, but let’s forget the church thing, OK? It’s not only barmy, it’d be sure to alienate him even further, though perhaps God is the only one who knows how that might be possible.”

  As it was starting to get dark by now they turned back toward home, each with their own thoughts and fears, most already shared, but some yet to be spoken. It was as if voicing them might in some way give life to them, and they already had more than enough to cope with. Besides, it wasn’t as if Justine believed their house was in some bizarre, paranormal way connected to their misfortune. It couldn’t possibly be true. They’d had far too many happy times there to start thinking now that it was capable of pouring some erstwhile dormant malevolence into one sole member of their family.

  —

  It was little more than a week later that Simon rang to let them know that Ben was in custody for stealing a car.

  The point was immediately taken: if they weren’t going to buy him a car he’d help himself to one.

  He was released the following morning on bail, and a few days later they were told that no charge was going to be brought. Whether or not Simon had a hand in that they had no idea, nor did they ask.

  Ben wasn’t so lucky a couple of weeks later when he was caught breaking into a warehouse on the edge of town.

  “He wasn’t alone,” Simon solemnly informed them. “He was arrested with three others, scumbags every one of them.”

  Justine blanched. “You know the others?”

  “Not personally, but they’ve all done time, and chances are they’re about to do more.”

  “What about Ben? Will he?” Maybe life would be easier with him in prison; at least they’d know where he was and he wouldn’t be causing all this upset at home.

  What a dreadful thing for a mother to think, Justine told herself.

  “I don’t know,” Simon replied. “It’s a first offense, and given his age…”

  “Where is he now?”

  “In a police cell. He’s due before the magistrate tomorrow. The others are sure to be remanded in custody. As for Ben…”

  “Is there a chance they’ll send him somewhere for psychological tests?” Justine broke in desperately. They needed help from someone, and were willing to accept anything from anyone.

  Simon shook his head gravely. “I’m afraid there are a lot worse kids out there than him,” he replied, “most with a string of convictions under their belts, and even they aren’t getting the backup they need. And with this being Ben’s first offense, there’s no way I can see him being singled out for special attention.”

  Though she’d expected no less, Justine still felt crushed. There was something desperately wrong with their son, everyone knew it, and it seemed they were powerless to help him—unless he was willing to help himself, and he’d never shown any signs of wanting to engage with that.

  Simon said to Matt, “Will you go to the hearing?”

  Matt’s reply was a long time in coming. “I’ll go,” he said, “but only to tell him he no longer has a home with us.”

  “Matt!” Justine cried.

  “I’m sorry, my mind’s made up,” he declared, and before she could argue any further he walked away.

  True to his word, Matt went to the court in the morning, and when Ben was released on bail he handed him a bag of clothes and an envelope containing money. “You’re on your own now,” he informed him. “We’ve tried with you, but there’s no more we can do.”

  Ben looked startled, almost worried. “You mean you’re chucking me out?” he cried, covering his surprise—or maybe it was hurt—with a scornful laugh.

  Matt didn’t answer. He simply turned on his heel and walked away.

  By the time he got home Justine had received a call. “Dad refused to give me a lift,” he told her, “so I’m getting the bus, and if I were you I’d let me in when I get there, because I can promise you this, it won’t go well for anyone if you don’t.”

  The day everything changed forever in Chippingly Vale began with no indication of what was to come, no signs that this day was going to be set apart from all others. It was simply a typical early August morning with a warm, coppery sunlight burnishing the vale, dew sparkling on the grass, and the sky overhead a tranquil cloudless blue.

  It was just before nine when Justine set out to take Lula to playgroup, leaving Rosie to settle down with Matt in the study as she usually did while Lula was out, and Abby in the kitchen making lists of everything that needed organizing for the summer disco, a task she’d taken over from Matt a couple of years ago. Being Abby, she’d turned the event into a mini-concert, though she wasn’t the only performer this year; in fact she seemed almost as excited by the other acts she’d invited from around the region as she was about taking the stage herself. As usual, her able-bodied committee, Chantal, Nelly, Wesley, and Connor, were on board for the event, and Neil joined in where he was able between his chemo appointments and the downtime that followed.

  Today was a good day, so he’d be with them.

  Ben never joined in, other than to ridicule their efforts, or to blast out his heavy metal sounds while they were trying to rehearse.

  Justine knew he was in his room this morning, since he’d told her to eff the hell off when she’d knocked. As this had become his stock response when someone in the family tried to make contact with him, it hadn’t surprised her, or even offended her particularly, it had simply made her feel more depressed than ever.

  In fact, lately she’d begun to feel the same way as Abby and Matt, who wished he’d leave home and never even bother to visit. However, in spite of clearly detesting them all, he never showed any signs of wanting to move out. Instead, he came and went as he pleased, using the house like a hotel, his mother as some sort of maid, and his father as a bank. It was as though he was holding them all for ransom, threatening all kinds of terrible revenge if they didn’t give him what he wanted. Although Matt fought with him constantly, sometimes violently, Justine knew he’d never run the risk of Ben doing something to hurt Abby or Lula, or her, so it was always Ben who won in the end.

  The worst part of it was that they could see no end to it, unless, please God, when the time came for his trial he was sent to prison.

  After dropping Lula at the village hall, Justine made her way along the high street, calling into the hairdresser’s to make an appointment for Abby, and on to the deli, where Maddy and Cheryl, with the backup of two part-timers, were serving breakfasts. The smell of grilling bacon and freshly ground coffee made her tummy rumble with hunger, while the sound of “Hippy Hippy Shake” in the background might, at another time, have had her shimmying playfully over to the counter. As it was she walked to where Wesley was whispering something in his mother’s ear, and the way Gina laughed wrenched painfully at Justine’s heart.

  If only she could have the same easygoing relationship with Ben.

  It will happen, one day. It has to.

  “Hi, how are you?” Gina said with a smile as she spot
ted Justine. “Looks like it’s going to be a scorcher again today.”

  After kissing her and Wes on both cheeks, Justine said, “You’re in early. I thought you weren’t starting until twelve.”

  “My son has offered to buy me a coffee,” Gina informed her, her eyes shining with irony, “and who am I to refuse?”

  “Except I forgot to bring my wallet,” Wes confessed, “so now Mum has to pay.”

  “Isn’t that always the way,” Gina sighed. “Have you got a moment to join us?” she asked Justine.

  Though Justine would have liked to, she and Cheryl had arranged to spend the morning going through a list of potential new suppliers, so after assuring them someone would deliver their order to the table, she went through to the back room.

  Though she wasn’t feeling faint, exactly, she was aware of needing to sit down for a moment, and since no one was around she tucked herself in behind a desk and rested her head in her hands. She must be reacting to the heat, she decided, or more likely to the fact that she couldn’t actually remember when she’d last eaten.

  It must have been yesterday morning, before she’d become aware of raised voices in the vale and gone outside to investigate.

  Since she’d come in at the tail end of the scene she had no idea what it was actually about, or even how it had started, she only knew that Ben was in front of the farmhouse, fists clenched, teeth bared like an animal’s as Connor yelled up the hill, “You’re a fucking loser, McQuillan, a sad little tosser who’s on his way to jail.”

  “Come here and say that, you cowardly piece of shit,” Ben yelled back.

  “No way am I going to contaminate myself coming near you,” Connor shouted. “We’ve heard about all the diseases you carry.” Grinning, he looked to the group around him for approval.

  Realizing, with a sickening lurch, that he was surrounded by Abby, Wes, and Chantal, Justine moved toward Ben. “Come in,” she said softly. “Don’t get involved.”

  He wasn’t listening. He was boiling with fury and so tensed up she was afraid to touch him.

  Down the hill Connor said something to the others, and everyone laughed.

  Afraid of what Ben might do if Connor goaded him any further, Justine said, “They’re not worth it. Come inside.”

  “Psycho boy,” Connor sang out.

  Ben’s eyes glinted with an almost sadistic pleasure. “That’s right,” he growled, “and don’t you forget it, faggot boy.”

  “Psycho boy, psycho boy,” Connor chanted as Ben retreated into the house.

  Justine glared down the hill at him. “Don’t you children have anything better to do?” she shouted.

  “Come on, Mum, he started it,” Abby shouted back.

  Not prepared to get into a showdown with her daughter for everyone to witness, Justine followed Ben inside. Unsurprisingly, there was no sign of him downstairs, so she ran up to his room and knocked on the door. “Ben, it’s me.”

  He roared so loudly at her to go away that she actually took a step back.

  Accepting that he needed time to calm down, she took herself over to the kitchen barn to carry on with the recipes she was preparing for the deli, and to call Matt on his mobile. Since he was at the arboretum with Lula and Rosie where there was never a good signal, she left him a message to call back when he could.

  “So where is he now?” Matt asked when they finally connected.

  “Still in his room. The door’s locked, as usual.”

  With a sigh of dismay, Matt said, “Abby must have told the others about his court case. How else would Connor know?”

  “It could have been Wes, if Simon mentioned it to him.”

  “I don’t think he would have, but there again…I wish I knew what to say to you, Justine, how to make some sort of difference, but you’re as aware as I am that we have no power over the boy. He’s proving it to us all the time, so what’s the point in trying to help him when he clearly doesn’t want it?”

  “But he must want to be here, at least on some level, otherwise he’d surely just go.”

  “Would he? Maybe it’s just too much fun tormenting his parents and terrorizing his sisters.”

  Hating how bitter he sounded, she said, “I’m sorry I rang you now.”

  “Yes, I’m sorry too, because I really don’t know what you want me to do about this spat with Connor.”

  Since there wasn’t anything he could do without running the risk of some unholy eruption from Ben, Justine let it go. What was the point of getting involved? It was over now; the kids themselves had probably already moved on from it, so she should too. On the other hand, why let that ghastly Connor get away with his taunting and stirring? He was always trying to cause trouble, and the way he seemed to have enjoyed the upset made him every bit as despicable as his mother evidently found Ben. In fact, the only reason she didn’t give in to the urge to go over there and treat Melanie Sands to a piece of her mind was because Melanie was still recovering from a “delicate” operation that apparently hadn’t gone terribly well.

  And because Ben informed her, when she told him through the door that she’d take the matter further if he wanted her to, that if she did he’d set fire to the house.

  “You know you don’t mean that,” she protested, “so why do you—”

  “Fuck off!” he growled. “I’m busy and you’re getting on my nerves.”

  “Busy doing what?” Matt demanded when she reported back.

  “How on earth would I know?”

  “And why on earth would we care?”

  Still half afraid there might be listening devices planted around the house, Justine said, “I admit he makes it difficult, but…”

  “Difficult? I’d call it downright impossible, and frankly I’m sick to death of the way he’s coming between us. We never have a conversation about anything else these days. I can’t remember the last time we went out, or felt able to have anyone round, or even managed to make love, we’re always so damned worked up or exhausted from dealing with him. He’s destroying our lives, and I’m telling you this now—if they don’t end up sending him to prison so we can start living normal lives again, then I won’t want to be held responsible for my actions.”

  Now, as Justine sat in the back room of the deli, feeling shaken all over again by Matt’s words, she tried using the tenderness he’d shown her later when they had made love, to force them from her mind. She knew how torn, desperate and frustrated he was; she also knew what a gentle and kind man he was at heart. He’d never do anything to hurt Ben, or anyone else, come to that; he just needed to let off steam now and again, and there was no one apart from her to let it off to.

  Picturing him at the desk in his study, she picked up the phone and dialed his number. “Are you OK?” she whispered when he answered.

  “Sure. Are you?” he replied.

  “Of course. I just dropped Lula off.” She almost asked if there was any sign of Ben, but decided not to. “Is Abby still there?”

  “I believe she’s on her way to the deli with Chantal and Nelly.”

  “I thought Nelly was working at the kennels today.” Nelly’s vocation had changed this past year—she now wanted to be a vet rather than a doctor. “Don’t tell me Abby got her to change shifts.”

  “Probably, knowing Abby. Apparently they’re about to prevail upon you for a picnic to have by the brook while they continue their meeting.”

  “Just as long as that dreadful Connor’s not with them.”

  “All I can tell you is that he wasn’t when they left here.”

  Ben’s name continued to hang unspoken between them. In the end Matt mentioned him first.

  “We need to decide what we’re going to do about him while we’re in Italy.”

  Justine, Matt, and Lula were due to leave in a couple of weeks with Simon and Gina, Rob and Maggie, and Cheryl—Brad had better things to do, apparently. They’d expected the other children to do their own things now they were older, but it turned out that Abby, Wes, Chantal, and
Francine had decided they wanted to come too. It was only Ben who hadn’t given them an answer, and like Matt, Justine desperately hoped he wouldn’t want to come when he’d be sure to spoil the holiday. However, the thought of leaving him behind, and what he might do to the house while they were gone, made her blood run cold.

  Maybe they should cancel the trip.

  “He’s a problem without a solution,” Matt murmured.

  Though she didn’t like hearing it, Justine could hardly argue. “I should go,” she said. “I’ll see you in a couple of hours,” and putting the phone down she turned on the computer ready to start work.

  —

  It was just after midday when they heard the first police siren wailing past. Since it wasn’t unusual for an emergency vehicle to tear along the high street, Justine and Cheryl barely looked up from what they were doing. It was only when a second siren was followed by a third and a fourth that curiosity got the better of them—and the first stirrings of unease crept into Justine’s heart.

  Trying to convince herself this had nothing to do with Ben, she followed Cheryl into the deli to find it half empty as customers and staff piled into the street to watch even more police cars flying past.

  “What’s going on?” Cheryl asked one of the part-timers.

  “No idea,” came the reply.

  Justine felt distinctly strange as she began pushing through the crowd.

  Everyone was asking the same questions: “What’s happening? Where are they going?”

  Someone said, “It must be the housing estate.”

  Someone else said, “No, they’re turning into the vale.”

  Justine started to run. Her heart was pounding, her breath hardly coming as she forced her way past more crowds knotted outside the florist, the baker’s, the gift shop.

  “…madman suddenly…”

  “…gone berserk.”

  “…accident…”

  “…still on the loose…”