Best Little Witch-House in Arkham

by Mark McLaughlin

  “Tony? Are you still out there?” Joe cried.

  “Yes! Did you kill the star-nosed, saber-toothed mole yet?”

  “No, but I just found something soft and really dead-smelling, and it has a funny-shaped nose and big teeth. I think something else killed the mole before I had a chance.”

  “What a pity!” Tony cried. “Well, grab it and I’ll pull you and the dead mole out. Maybe it is not too rotten to eat. Trixie and Yargoona can make pretty necklaces out of the teeth!” He began to pull at the gugg vines. “What a heavy load!” he shouted. “That must be a huge mole!”

  “Blecchh!” Joe shougged, which is a combination of shouting and gagging. “This long-dead thing smells like rotten fish mixed with the goo that squirts out of a cavebaby’s pooper! I want to let go of it—it can’t be good to eat!”

  “I will be the judge of that!” Tony Tar-Pit roared. “Besides, there are still those teeth for pretty necklaces! Yargoona will look so sexy with rows and rows of sharp mole-teeth draped under her sweet, scarred face! I bet just thinking of such a vision makes your man-root hard with lust! Does it, my friend?”

  “Ummm…Sure, Tony. Oh, I am almost out of the hole—I can see daylight! Hurry, pull faster, I need to get away from this stinking corpse!”

  Tony Tar-Pit spotted the welcome glimmer of his friend’s blond hair at the mouth of the tunnel. He grabbed the smaller man by the shoulders and dragged him up to his feet. Tony then reached into the tunnel and hauled out the dead carcass. Yes, this dead saber-toothed, star-nosed mole was indeed extremely rotten, and covered with maggots and worms and other squiggly things.

  “Say, what is this?” The potbellied caveman pointed to a strange creature hanging onto the mole’s hips. It appeared to be a cross between a large insect and a mushroom, a little bigger than Tony’s head, shimmering with all the colors of the rainbow. It had a round, puffy body and ten spindly legs, all stuck deep into the mole’s flesh. Three wet, bulbous bug-eyes stared up at Tony, and a long, unfurled proboscis waggled at him.

  “What an ugly little monster!” Joe said. “It looks like some kind of evil mushroom! If I am going to kill anything today, let me kill that thing with Old Chop-Chop!”

  Suddenly the extended proboscis unfurled a bit more and licked at Tony’s face. “Oh no, do not kill it!” he said. “It likes me! It is licking my face, just like my dear pet, Bloodfang.” He pulled the insect off the dead mole, and it responded by crawling up his arm and curling up, purring, in his hairy armpit. “Look how friendly it is! Be nice to the poor, lonely mushroom-devil!”

  Tony grabbed Old Chop-Chop from Joe and used it to cut off the mole’s rotten, toothy noggin. “There, now our women can have pretty necklaces. Carry the head—I want to cuddle my new pet!” He fished the creature out of his armpit and rocked it in his arms like a cavebaby.

  “You are going to keep that thing?” Joe said. “In the cave?”

  “I have to,” Tony said. “It is so small and helpless—just like you! I think I will call it…Monkey-Face Joe Number Two! But no, that’s too long a name. I will call it Buggoth, since it is a bug and, like you and I, a child of Yog-Sothoth.”

  When the cavemen arrived at home, Tony and Joe told their wives of their morning adventure. The cavewomen were divided in their opinions of Buggoth.

  “I do not like this new pet of yours, Tony,” Trixie said. “It will probably grow big and try to suck out our blood or eat us! Surely you have brought death into our happy cave.”

  Yargoona thought otherwise. “I hope it does grow big. Very big! If we raise it with kindness and love, it will protect us from even the fiercest of meat-eating lizards, like the chomposaurus or the savage mutilatosaurus.”

  Buggoth must have somehow understood the meaning of Yargoona’s words, because at that moment, the creature leaped out of Tony’s arms and onto the scarred cavewoman’s bosom, where he began licking her neck with gentle affection.

  “See, Trixie?” Tony said. “Buggoth responds to love with sweet kisses! What a good monster!”

  “Perhaps you are right,” his wife said. “Very well, the mushroom-devil can stay—if Bloodfang does not object!”

  The pet raptor, who had been napping in a far corner of the cave, awoke upon hearing his name. He trotted up to Yargoona and Buggoth and sniffed at the fungoid insect.

  Buggoth let loose with a giddy squeal and jumped down onto Bloodfang’s back. The two hideous creatures began to wrestle playfully, just like happy cavebrats.

  “Zogga Dogga Yog-Sothoth!” Tony Tar-Pit exclaimed. “They love each other! Maybe someday when they are both full-grown, they will mate and create some kind of funny lizard-mushroom-bug! I would like to see such a thing!”

  “Tony!” cried a low voice from outside the cave. “Can I come in, or are you rutting with that beautiful cavewife of yours? I can come back later!”

  “Lava Larry?” Tony shouted. “Is that you? Come in, we are not rutting right now. Though if we were, you could certainly watch! Joe and Yargoona watch all the time!”

  Tony’s hugely fat boss shambled amiably into the cave. “I was just passing by and I thought I’d say ‘Hello!’ to my favorite worker. Hello to you, Tony, and to Trixie, too, and Monkey-Face Joe and Yargoona and Bloodfang and—” He stopped and stared at Buggoth. “By the dripping beard of the sea-devil Cthulhu, why do you have one of those in your cave? Are you insane with crazy madness?”

  Tony cocked his head to one side. “Is something wrong with my new pet, Buggoth? Do you know what he is? I do not, but I am very fond of him!”

  Lava Larry’s squinty, piggish eyes grew wide with fear. “That, my friend, is one of the deadly star-crabs! They are evil, undying creatures that came from a strange place up in the sky, way past the moon! Many of them live in the mountains a few miles from here. Others live in damp underground caves. Have you not heard of the evil star-crabs?”

  “Of course I have!” Tony said. “My cavemother Gungoona used to scare me when I was a little cavebrat with strange tales of their wicked ways. But she never said what they looked like, so I did not know Buggoth was one of them. I thought he was some kind of walking mushroom. Though he does look a lot like a crab, now that you mention it.”

  “A star-crab? In our cave?” Trixie shook her head. “I see I was right the first time. That little devil will surely kill us all.”

  Buggoth stopped playing with Bloodfang and moved toward Tony. With a soft, sad little cry, he jumped up into the caveman’s arms. The creature stared, whimpering, up into his master’s eyes.

  “Look what you have done, Lava Larry!” Tony said. “You have made my little friend sad! I do not care if he is a star-crab or not. It is clear he loves being with cavepeople! Maybe the other star-crabs were mean to him. Maybe they hit him or made fun of him because he was small and friendly and good!”

  Monkey-Face Joe burst into tears. “The poor little mushroom-devil! Tony is right! Listen to Buggoth’s pitiful moans! He knows he is being judged, and it is making him feel bad inside—because he wants to stay with us!”

  “Yes, his tiny crab-heart is filled with kindness!” Yargoona said.

  Buggoth turned his malformed head to stare at Trixie. A wistful sob wheezed forth from his proboscis.

  The cavewoman sighed heavily. “Very well. The star-crab can stay.”

  Lava Larry nodded. “Yes, I now see that this young star-crab is not an evil killer lusting for human flesh. Surely he is the strangest—and also the sweetest—of all the children of Yog-Sothoth.” He flashed a crooked-toothed smile. “Let me hold the precious little abomination.”

  Tony handed the creature to his boss. Buggoth instantly began to pick ticks out of the flabby caveman’s stinking chest-hair, gobbling them down his long, curling mouth-organ with relish.

  “Oh, see how useful he is!” the bloated caveman observed. “I have been meaning to pluck out those ticks for weeks!” He looked down at Buggoth’s back. “Oh, look at this!” He tapped on two odd growths spouting from the creat
ure’s shoulders.

  “Hmmm, those funny little fins look like they might grow into wings someday,” Tony said. He glanced over at Bloodfang and smiled, again hoping that his pets might rut and create strange offspring someday. A flying lizard-mushroom-bug! Zogga Dogga Yog-Sothoth!

  * * * *

  Weeks passed, and Buggoth proved to be the most helpful pet in all of Arrkhumm. He excelled at sucking ticks, leeches, lice and other assorted vermin out of the various nooks, crannies, wrinkles, creases and folds of Tony and all his friends. At first, many were hesitant at the thought of allowing a voracious star-crab to touch their flesh, but once Buggoth did his work, those he treated always agreed that he performed his task with agreeably gentle thoroughness.

  Trixie and Yargoona used the teeth of the saber-toothed, star-nosed mole to make two lovely necklaces: Trixie’s was made from the teeth of the top jaw, and Yargoona’s came from the bottom jaw.

  “With those classy mole-tooth necklaces, you two are the sexiest caveladies in all of Arrkhumm,” Tony said one morning while they were eating their breakfast pterodactyl eggs.

  “Oh, husband,” Trixie said, blushing. “Your tender words make creamy juices trickle down my heavy thighs from my eager she-hole.”

  “I am curious about one thing,” Yargoona said. “You told us the saber-toothed, star-nosed mole was dead when Joe found it. How did the beast die?”

  “Hmmmm…” Tony Tar-Pit thought for a moment. “I do not know, really. I recall that Buggoth was clinging to its corpse like an adorable baby possumosaurus.”

  “I wonder why?” The scarred cavewoman gazed at Buggoth, who was squatted on the floor nearby, sucking out an egg’s raw goo through a hole in its shell. “He would not have been cuddling with a dead thing for warmth.”

  “Do you think Buggoth killed the mole?” Monkey-Face Joe said. “He is much smaller than a mole. He does not have sharp teeth or claws. I do not see how he could have done it.”

  “Maybe Buggoth has a secret deadly talent!” Tony cried.

  “A secret deadly talent?” Trixie echoed in disbelief.

  “A secret deadly talent!” Yargoona repeated with wonder.

  “A secret deadly talent…” Joe whispered fearfully.

  “Ruff ruff-ruff ruff-ruff ruff-ruff!” Bloodfang barked. He hated to be left out of anything.

  * * * *

  That night, Tony Tar-Pit pleasured Trixie three times with his massive man-root. He began to pleasure her a fourth time, but stopped in mid-stroke.

  “What is wrong, husband?” Trixie said. “Do you no longer find me desirable?”

  “Be silent!” he hissed. “Listen! What is that noise?”

  Trixie and Tony listened, as did Monkey-Face Joe and Yargoona, who had been watching the frenzied coupling from their bed in the shadows.

  Outside of the cave, a loud, curiously rapid flapping of wings sounded. “What a strange noise!” Trixie whispered.

  In his little sleep-nest of pelts and dried grass, Buggoth whimpered. Tony slipped out of bed and crept toward the mouth of the cave.

  “Be careful, brave friend!” Joe cautioned, covering his head with a fur blanket. “Let us know what you see!”

  Tony left the cave and peered up into the sky. Overhead, a strange creature was fluttering about thirty feet above the ground. It looked like Buggoth except it was much bigger—almost eight feet across—and sported crooked, batlike wings that beat the air with incredible speed.

  Its long proboscis was completely unfurled. The creature whipped its mouth-organ in wide semi-circles, tasting the air.

  “Whoop!” the creature whooped. “Whoop-whoop-whoop!”

  Having whooped, it soared off into the night sky.

  Tony hurried back into the cave, where he scooped up Buggoth into his arms. The frightened little star-crab was shivering with fear.

  “My poor baby!” Tony cried. “You must have heard the evil whoop of that which lurked outside. One of your cruel kin has found our home, sniffing you down like a relentless bloodhoundosaurus. But do not fear, I shall protect you if it returns!”

  “If? I am sure it will be back,” Trixie said. “It will no doubt bring others, too. We cannot stay here. But where can we go?”

  “We shall hide out at Lava Larry’s!” Tony said. He looked down at his shivering pet. “We must take Buggoth, too—but since they can sniff him out, we must do something to cover his scent.” He thought for a moment. “Is anything in this cave smelly enough to cover his natural scent—which is actually rather pleasing, like that of a vuupuu blossom?”

  “I know!” Monkey-Face Joe said. “Yargoona’s woman-hole has a very ripe, fishlike odor. Surely you have noticed it.”

  “Yes!” Trixie interjected. “How it makes me jealous! My she-hole only smells like a single, tiny, insignificant sardinosaurus. Hers boasts the powerful reek of three-dozen man-eating bronto-clams.”

  “That is true!” Fred handed his pet to Joe. “Here, my friend. Rub our gentle pet Buggoth against your beautiful wife’s fuming love-pit. Rub like you’ve never rubbed before!”

  Yargoona laid back on her bed, pulled up her fur nightgown and spread her legs, revealing a loose-lipped opening that distinctly resembled the glistening maw of a ravenous flytraposaurus.

  First Monkey-Face Joe rubbed Buggoth’s back against Yargoona’s steaming passion-patch. The mushroom-devil began to purr in the most curious fashion. Then Joe flipped the creature over to do the front—

  Instantly, a strange, fleshy flap in Buggoth’s lower abdomen opened up and out surged a massive cylinder of spongy yet rigid tissue—easily four times the length of the creature—that plunged with lusty accuracy right into the depths of Yargoona’s she-hole.

  “Zogga Dogga Yog-Sothoth!” Tony bellowed.

  “You can say that again!” Yargoona moaned, bucking her thick hips against the invading phallus.

  Buggoth shook free of Monkey-Face Joe’s grip and began to ravish Yargoona with the gusto of seven rampaging sexosauruses in heat.

  “That must be what killed the saber-toothed, star-nosed mole!” Tony said. “I bet Buggoth skewered it with his mighty crab-pizzle. No mere animal could withstand a pounding from such a monstrously meaty man-root.”

  “It is fortunate,” Trixie said, “that Yargoona has a she-cave as spaciously deep as the night sky itself!”

  “Joe,” Tony said, approaching his diminutive friend, “are you not concerned that Buggoth is mating with your cavewoman?”

  “Better him than me…” Joe muttered.

  Buggoth uttered a shrill whoop of delight—and with that, his rigid power-pillar instantly went limp and shriveled back into the creature’s abdomen. The fleshy flap pulled shut behind it.

  “We are wasting time!” Tony said, snatching up the satiated mushroom-devil. “I think Buggoth is stinked-up enough to avoid detection. Let us leave immediately!”

  The four cavefriends threw on extra furs and hurried out of the cave, with Bloodfang scampering close behind. They rushed through the night, straight to Lava Larry’s Rib Cave. Up among the clouds, huge dark shapes fluttered and whooped.

  The eatery was actually composed of several interconnected caves, and Tony marched up to the entrance that led to the sleeping quarters of his boss. “Lava Larry! Wake up, my good, protecting caveboss!” he shouted. “We need your help!”

  The obese caveman shambled sleepily out of his bed-cave. “Hello, Tony, Trixie, Joe, Yargoona—Bloodfang and Buggoth, too! Is something wrong? Having a problem with cavebats? Roachosauruses?”

  “Worse! Much worse!” Tony moaned. “Buggoth’s evil relatives are coming to get him! Please hide us!”

  “I knew this day would arrive,” Lava Larry said. “The star-crabs are too evil to let one of their own try to live a life of gentle happiness. It is up to us to do what needs to be done.” The entrance to his bed-cave was halfway up the side of a large hill, and Larry craned his neck upward to view the top, which was covered with tall, vine-draped trees. “You know, the
lava-pits of my restaurant are on the other side of this hill…”

  Tony clutched his insect pal to his chest as he gasped, “Are you saying we must burn Buggoth to death to escape the wrath of the evil star-crabs? Never!”

  “Ummm, no, Tony,” Lava Larry said. “Follow me up to those trees. I have a plan that might save us all—including our dear friend, Buggoth. But hurry! Hurry! We do not have a cavesecond to lose!”

  * * * *

  On top of the hill, Lava Larry shared his plan, and Tony Tar-Pit and his cavefamily followed the obese caveman’s detailed directions.

  “Keep weaving those vines! Please hurry!” Lava Larry said to Trixie and Yargoona. He turned to Tony and Monkey-Face Joe, who were constructing a curious figure out of branches, large leaves, vines, rocks, and some of their furs. “Put longer arms on that thing! It has to look just like a caveman. And stuff the belly with more rocks—it is way too skinny! Put in as many rocks as you can!”

  Up in the sky, a mad flurry of wings rattled and buzzed through the air, growing louder and louder still.

  Tony and Joe pushed the figure to the edge of a cliff just above one of the lava-pits. There they tied a stout vine around its rock-stuffed waist. Then the two friends backed off into the shadows beneath nearby trees.

  Four enormous star-crabs hovered down out of the night, approaching the figure on the cliff. One of them wrapped its spiny legs around the shape’s head and shoulders, and the others drew closer so they could all help the attack by sinking their sharp limbs into the figure’s bulging stomach and rear.

  “Now!” Lava Larry cried. With that signal, the four cavemates all rushed out of the shadows and threw nets of strong vines over the flying mushroom-devils. The ends of some of the vines were tied to heavy rocks, and Tony and Joe threw those rocks over the edge of the cliff.

  The four monstrosities fought to free themselves from the trap, but their crooked wings were hopelessly tangled in the weighted vines. They slowly began to drop down, down, down toward the bubbling lava pit below.

  The cavefriends rushed to the edge of the cliff to observe the anticipated demise of their enemies. Suddenly, one of the flying creatures began to break free, and it tore at the vines with its pointed feet.