by L. E. Bross
Now he was only an arm’s length away and I could see how dark his eyes were.
God, I never expected that he’d come over. But my traitorous body still craved release and with the object of all that pent-up anticipation standing right there, it was hard to focus on anything but that throbbing need.
He reached out and ran a finger down over my cheek, my jaw, then wrapped his entire hand behind my neck. He hadn’t moved yet—just stood there holding on to me. My breath caught and I wanted to step into his arms, but whatever this was . . . he was calling the shots.
I felt like a puppet, and God, did I want him pulling my strings.
“Bullshit. My imagination is fucking out of control right now thinking about what you could have been doing, Tess,” he said, finally getting close enough that I could feel the heat from his body. He leaned his forehead against mine. “Tell me that you were not touching yourself and thinking about me. Please. Because if you were, I’ll be too damned tempted to finish what you started.”
I shook my head back and forth in a literal attempt to clear the fuzz of lust that was clouding my vision and, apparently, my brain. In all my embarrassment I had forgotten to ask what the hell Ryan was doing knocking on my door at two in the morning.
“Ryan,” I said, my voice huskier than intended. “Why did you come here?”
“Isn’t it obvious, Tess?” He ran his free hand down my side and cradled my hip. He dug his fingers in and pulled me closer. Now I was pressed against the length of him and I could feel how much he wanted me. “I was going to take care of it myself too, but I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I wanted you, not my own hand.”
His words sent heat racing straight between my legs. Ryan wanted me.
Ryan was standing there, holding on to me and asking me to tell him that I wasn’t just thinking about him. If I did, if I admitted the truth, I had no doubt he would be able to finish me in record time. And oh, my God did I want that.
The dam that had been holding me back from everything cracked and right that second, I wanted to feel something besides pressure and obligation and loneliness. If I was going to fool around with someone, why not someone I knew already? Better than risking anything with a stranger.
“What about that girl?” I asked breathlessly. He hadn’t even done anything and I could feel the tension seeping into my bones, but if he said yes, this would end now. “The one I saw you with at the park?”
Ryan’s eyes darkened a touch but he shook his head. “We aren’t together. What about you? Is there anyone else?”
I snorted. “No. Not in a very long time.”
He guided my head closer and then stopped, our lips just an inch apart. I wanted to grab him and scream for him to kiss me already, but he still held back. I could see hesitation in his eyes. Maybe he thought I was looking for more—even a father for Noah. Well, he didn’t need to worry—I’d stopped expecting someone to save me a long time ago.
“I’m not looking for anything except tonight . . .”
“I don’t do commitments, so if you’re looking . . .”
Ryan froze. Fire filled his eyes. “Say that again.” His fingers tightened on the back of my neck and a wash of goose bumps danced down over my arms. He wasn’t looking for long-term either. Maybe . . .
“I’m not in a place to handle a relationship right now. I just want . . . this . . .” I said. “I just need you right now.” I brushed the back of my hand over the bulge in his jeans.
“You are fucking killing me,” he groaned. “You deserve so much more than just a hookup. I wish I could be that person . . .”
“We have a past, Ryan, and that’s why I want it to be you. We were friends first, you know,” I said breathlessly. “Maybe someday we can get back there? I . . . I miss you, Ryan. I’ve missed you so much.”
He sucked in a breath and then his lips crashed down over mine. I opened immediately, savoring the warm velvety feel of his tongue stroking mine. His other hand slid to my hip and under the elastic of my pajamas and he dug his fingers into the fleshy part of my butt.
“I don’t want to be your fucking friend, Tess,” he rasped out. “I want to drag you over to that couch and taste every inch of you before sinking so deep inside you, it’s all you think about for weeks after. Friends don’t want to bend each other over the couch and drive into them until they scream your name.”
His words, gritted out from between clenched teeth, had me right back on the edge. I whimpered and pressed my lips to the underside of his chin. If friends didn’t do those things, then I didn’t want to be friends either.
“I’m not looking for forever either,” I said between kisses. “So why don’t we just let this happen, and when it’s time, we both just walk away. No expectations. No hurt feelings. No promises at all.”
I’d worry about the consequences later, because right now, I wanted everything he just said to me. I wanted it more than I had ever wanted anything else.
“No promises?” he asked.
I saw the hesitation under the fire burning in his eyes. I could see he didn’t want to hurt me and I was grateful for that, but I was a big girl and right now, I just wanted him.
“None. Just one kiss at a time. One lick. One taste.” I ran my tongue over his neck and he groaned out loud. “Nothing but what’s happening right here, right now.”
“God, you deserve fucking flowers and dinner and picket fences, Tess.”
It was so sweet of Ryan to say that, it made my insides ache, and it was true, maybe once I wanted all that. Reality has a way of opening one’s eyes, though. Right now, right here, I just wanted Ryan. Needed Ryan. Deserved to feel his hands on me.
“I had my hand down my pants and I was touching myself and pretending it was your hand. I was so close to coming when I called out your name.” Each word I whispered made his eyes grow stormier, darker.
“Fuck,” he growled. “Are you sure about this, Tess?”
“More than I have been about anything in a long time,” I said honestly.
“Good.” Then his lips moved over mine and he did what his eyes had been threatening to do for days: he devoured me.
I groaned into his mouth and met his tongue with mine. We both knew this dance, but it was different now. We were older, more experienced, and the urgency building between us was so much more than the teenage lovemaking we used to do.
This . . . this was sex. Hot and spontaneous and desperate.
“I couldn’t get the taste of you off my tongue,” Ryan said against my lips. “I had to have more.”
I gripped his arms, thickly corded with muscle that came from doing something he was so good at, when he wrapped his arm around my waist and lifted me off the ground. He took three steps and I was pressed against the wall next to the door; his hard body pinning me there.
He moved his mouth between my shoulder and neck and I felt his hot tongue glide over my skin. I tried to touch him too, but he kept me crowded against the wall on purpose.
“I want to touch you,” I panted.
“Nope,” he said against my collarbone. “We’re going to finish what you started earlier. Put your arms around my neck and hold on. Don’t let go no matter what.”
I nodded because my throat had completely dried up.
When I had my arms where he wanted them, he leaned back enough so that he could run his hand down over my shoulder. His thumb brushed the edge of my breast and I sucked in a breath at the surge of need his touch caused.
It had been so long since I’d been with a man, but even when I was fourteen there was something more between Ryan and me, something that blazed brighter, hotter than pure chemistry should allow for. With other guys, it had never been the same, and feeling it again was like the sweetest dessert I never thought I’d get to savor again.
If I was going to give in and indulge, then damn it, I was going to enjoy every single seco
nd of it.
“So responsive,” he whispered appreciatively. His hand slipped under the hem of my tank top and he pushed it slowly up. When the tips of his fingers brushed the underside, I sucked in another breath. “Tell me what you want, Tess.”
“Touch me,” I begged. “Please.”
I let my eyes close when the cool air washed over my hot skin. Ryan flicked his thumb over my nipple and I gasped. My back arched. I needed more.
“You like that?”
“Yes. God, yes.”
This time, he rolled the end between his thumb and finger. The perfect amount of pressure. Not too light, not too hard. If he hadn’t been holding me up, my knees would have buckled.
“Do they taste as good as your mouth?” he asked.
I didn’t know whether to nod or shake my head, so I arched again. He leaned his head down and pulled one tip between his teeth.
A sharp twinge of fire shot through me. “Oh, fuck.” I dug my fingers into his hair and pulled him closer. The fire from earlier flared back to life and I could feel the pressure building again. He drew me away from the wall without moving his mouth, then guided me backward until I felt the couch at the back of my legs.
Instead of lowering me first, he swung around and sat, pulling me down onto his lap. I moved my legs to straddle him, and he tugged my tank top off and dropped it on the floor.
“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured. “I always thought you were the most amazing thing I had ever seen, but now . . .” He slid his hands up my ribs and then cupped both of my breasts. He flicked the tips at the same time and then leaned in close to suck one into his mouth.
I arched back with a low groan.
“You called out my name when you were close; I heard you do it. I want to hear it again, but this time, when you come.”
His commanding tone took me even closer to the edge and I panted. His fingers dipped into me, striking up a steady rhythm that was driving me crazy, and I rocked my hips to get more friction. My breath caught in my throat as the brightness behind my eyelids turned blinding.
I stopped moving. Stopped breathing. Held myself tense and ready and balancing on that tightrope. Ryan’s hand kept up a steady pace and all it took was a few more strokes inside me and I shattered.
“Ryan,” I whimpered, half out of my mind. My muscles clenched down on his fingers and each stroke brought me even higher. I was breaking apart and tears burned in the back of my eyes.
He took my mouth and swallowed my low moan.
I rocked my hips and sobbed his name over and over again. When the fissures of pleasure finally started to slow down I opened my eyes. Ryan stroked me with his fingers a few more times before he pulled them out and I shuddered at how good it still felt.
He brushed kisses over the corners of my mouth, then across my jaw, then just under my ear. He was breathing hard, and when he pulled back enough so that I could look at him, his eyes blazed with fire.
“You’re a fucking wet dream,” he rasped out. “God, I was almost there just watching you come apart.” Ryan leaned his forehead against mine. “Jesus, Tess, that was the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen.”
Still straddling his lap made me very aware of how much he had enjoyed it. If I only had tonight, then I wanted to feel him again. I scooted back enough to flick open the button on his jeans. When I looked up, he took my breath away.
“I want you, Ryan,” I said. “Inside me. Now.”
His eyes grew even stormier, if that was possible, and he shifted his hips so that I could unzip his jeans. He slid them down enough so I could run my fingers along the outline of the bulge that made my mouth dry. God, his muscles weren’t the only thing that had gotten bigger.
Ryan groaned, and his head fell back when I used my nails to run over the fabric.
“You like that?” I asked.
“Fuck yes,” he hissed.
I loved the heady feeling of control that flooded my body. I reached under the elastic of his boxers and wrapped my fingers around the hot, hard length of him. I’m not sure who groaned the loudest when I guided him free.
“Fuck, that feels good, baby,” he muttered.
Goose bumps skittered over my skin. He called me that all the time once and I didn’t realize how much I’d missed hearing it. I closed my eyes and ran my thumb along the underside of the head of his cock and his hips jerked up.
“You’re killing me, Tess.”
“Good, because you pretty much broke me into a million pieces a few minutes ago.”
I closed my fingers around the girth of his cock and slowly moved them up and down. Every sound he made shot straight between my legs. God, I wanted him. And I knew that once I had him again, everything would change.
Or it wouldn’t. He made it clear he wasn’t in it for anything more than just a good time. I wasn’t either, if I was being honest, but this felt so right, it was hard to ignore the little voice in my head whispering what if . . .
“If you keep doing that it’s going to be over before it starts,” Ryan gritted out between his teeth.
“Can’t take a little hand job action?” I asked with a devilish grin.
His head lifted and his gaze pierced mine. I could lose myself in the desire I saw radiating from his eyes. “From you? After all this time? After what I just watched you do? No, Tess. You drive me fucking crazy; you always have.”
Something tightened in my chest. My tongue felt thick, and I could feel my throat start to itch.
“Then show me how much,” I whispered.
In the next instant Ryan sat up and flipped me onto my back on the couch. He stood and pushed his jeans and boxers down his hips and reached into his back pocket. He had the condom out and ripped open before I knew what he was doing. I watched, entranced, as he rolled it over his cock.
“You are so fucking beautiful, Tess. I wondered . . .” He shook his head as if he were clearing away memories. “Nothing I dreamed could have come close though.”
I fought back a sob. He thought about me? After I turned my back on him, he wondered about me? Of course I’d thought about him. Too often to admit. If you really could find the one in high school, then I had done it. Every man since never came close to making me feel what Ryan did. Still did.
He kneeled on the couch, between my legs, and slid my pajama pants down and off. His sharp intake of breath ignited the heat between my legs again. Then he leaned forward and held himself right at the opening I so desperately wanted him in.
I lifted my hips, urging him on. Now that we were so close I wanted him inside me.
“Ryan,” I begged. I slid my hands under his shirt and dragged my nails down his chest. His hips surged forward and he slid halfway inside me.
We both gasped.
Ryan groaned.
It wasn’t going to take much more to set me off again, I could tell that already. When he slid the rest of the way in, I wrapped my legs around his waist and moved my hips.
“Fuck it, Tess. Stop moving,” he growled.
“No,” I panted. God, I was close. He was hitting all the right spots and the friction was making me insane. Just a little more and . . .
I tensed. My fingers stilled and I lifted my head. Shit. I pushed Ryan back and he sat up on his knees, his eyebrows dipping down. Before he could say anything I put my finger to my lips.
And I heard it again.
Noah was crying out for me.
I pulled my leg free and sat up. My breathing was still too fast and every movement reminded me just how close I’d been to orgasm.
“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” Ryan asked. There was so much concern in his voice that I leaned over and kissed his shoulder softly.
“It’s Noah. He has nightmares sometimes. I need to go to him.”
His eyes widened and he stood and pulled up his boxers and jeans. I w
anted to point out that he still had the condom on, but he was buttoning his pants already. “Shit, I forgot . . . I’ll go.”
A sharp stab of disappointment shot through me. Was this it? Was this our one chance and it was gone now?
“I’m sorry,” I said.
Ryan shook his head. “Don’t be sorry. You’re a . . . mom. You should go take care of him. I’ll let myself out.”
“Ryan?” I had pulled on my pajama pants and stood up facing him. He could barely look into my eyes. Hollowness spread inside my chest. I knew that when he walked out the door, that was it.
For a few minutes it had just been us, the old Ryan and Tess, but then reality came crashing down. We couldn’t go back to being the people we used to be. I took his hand and squeezed to let him know I understood.
“Thank you,” I said.
“For what?” He finally looked up and his eyebrows were drawn down.
“For reminding me what it’s like to feel something. It’s been . . . a long time. I’m glad that it was you, Ryan.” I stepped closer and pressed my lips against his. It was a quick kiss. A goodbye kiss. “I’ll call you.”
But I was pretty sure I wouldn’t, and it must have shown on my face because Ryan’s lips turned down. For a second I thought he might argue with me, but I gave him a tight smile and let his hand go.
Pressure built in my chest as I watched him leave, and I pressed my hand against my mouth. God, this hurt like hell. How had he done it all those years ago? How had he watched me ride away with nothing but a promise?
The urge to call him back and . . . what? Ask him to take a chance on something I wasn’t even sure I had to give? My hand fell and I locked the door behind him.
No, this was my life right now.
I had to get my shit together before I could drag someone else into it with me. And I had the sinking feeling that by the time things fell into place, Ryan would be well out of reach.
CHAPTER TWELVE
ryan
Two days later and I was still beating my head against the wall.
What the fuck had I been thinking?
