Rules of the Game

by Neil Strauss

Each of these personality types is associated with further behavioral traits, which can be researched online. Other systems worth looking into include the Enneagram and the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.

  The Cold Reading Code

  Remember the Golden Rule —always tell the subject

  what he/she wants to hear!

  —RAY HYMAN, “GUIDE TO COLD READING”

  There are standard guidelines and principles that fuel every cold reading. Many have been around for centuries. Here are a few of them:

  CONDITIONALITY

  The key principle of cold reading is to never state an impression as a definite fact. It’s far safer—and more accurate—to use conditional words and general terms.

  If you say, “You are shy,” your listener can always respond, “No I’m not.”

  But if you say, “You can be shy at times,” this is a lot harder to deny.

  When you use conditional words, every line you say during a cold reading becomes practically irrefutable. Here are a few examples of words and phrases to preface your insights with when developing your own cold-reading material: a part of you, at times, every now and then, somewhat, generally, now and again, occasionally, once in a while, frequently, tendency, and sometimes.

  If you have some idea of your partner’s disposition or the universality of your statement, you can use words and phrases with a narrower range of interpretation—like usually, often, rarely, seldom, many, hardly, normally, regularly, and almost never.

  Unless you know for certain that your information is accurate, avoid absolute words and phrases such as always, completely, every, all the time, none of the time, entirely, and never.

  FALSE SPECIFICITY

  Though you want to avoid absolutes, this doesn’t mean you can’t punch up your reading with phrases that imply specificity.

  One way to accomplish this is to use transition words like because, which imply causality even when a link doesn’t exist.

  Another way to make your reading sound specific is to affirm the listener’s individuality by showing how her traits contrast with the norm. This can be accomplished by using a sentence structure like: “Though many people ___________, you tend to ___________.”

  CONFIDENCE

  Act as if you’re certain that everything you say is true. Even when you make a mistake or claim something that’s not entirely accurate, if you say it with authority most people will still believe it. On the other hand, doubt in your voice will create doubt in the listener’s mind—even if what you’re saying is true.

  APPROVAL

  People are more likely to agree with a positive statement about themselves, even when it’s not true. Conversely, they’re less likely to agree with a negative statement, even if it’s accurate.

  Welding these two principles together helps create one of the most powerful and beneficial things you can do when talking to a woman: to recast what she or others believe to be her negative traits into more positive ones.

  If she’s shy, for example, tell her, “Though some people think of you as shy, the truth is that you just take a while to get comfortable around new people.”

  Or if you’re talking to a beautiful woman who’s a little icy, you can tell her, “Some people think you’re stuck up, but that’s not true. You’re just uncomfortable sometimes, and because of the way you look, people mistake your shyness for meanness.”

  AFFIRMATION

  This is a simple technique that will make a big difference in a woman’s judgment of your accuracy. Whenever you can, pause and get her either to agree explicitly with what you’re saying or just respond with words like yes and right. The more yes responses she gives, the more her subconscious mind will accept you as an authority.

  OPPOSITES

  Some of the most powerful cold reads make a statement that contrasts two opposite qualities. For example: “At times you can be outgoing and social, while at other times you’re more comfortable keeping to yourself.”

  This may look completely meaningless on paper, but try it out. When said with authority and understanding, it can seem incredibly insightful.

  An additional technique you can use when delivering statements that contain opposites is the two-hand comparison: Lift one hand and indicate to it when you recite the first personality type, then lift and present your other hand when you describe the second type. Typically, her eyes or nose will point to the hand she has more affinity with as she considers each one.

  OBSERVATION

  When cold reading, it’s important to be acutely aware of her reactions and facial expressions. Check to see whether her body language is affirming what you say (associative) or denying it (dissociative).

  For example, without even realizing it, many people nod their head up and down while you’re saying something they agree with, and shake it from side to side when they disagree. They may blush when you say one thing, and frown when you say another.

  Below are examples of encouraging and discouraging cues to look for:

  Associative Responses

  Head nodding up and down

  Eyebrows raising

  Eyes widening

  Smiling

  Body turning toward you

  Animated expression

  Arms open

  Dissociative Responses

  Head shaking side to side

  Eyebrows lowering

  Eyes squinting

  Frowning

  Body turning away from you

  Blank expression

  Arms crossed

  LISTENING

  Often, people will start talking when you’re cold reading them. Be quiet and listen, nodding and smiling as if these are things you already knew about them. They’ll usually offer all the information you need to craft an extremely precise reading.

  ADDITIONAL CLUES

  When you’re speaking face-to-face, you don’t have to stick to scripted lines. Your eyes and ears can pick up a wealth of clues to help refine your reading. Pay focused attention to what she says, what she does, and the people with whom she chooses to surround herself.

  A woman’s age, ethnicity, speaking voice, style of dress, accessories, hairstyle, and jewelry are the most obvious signs of who she is. Look at her fingernails to see if they’re clean or dirty, short or long, natural or painted. Notice the way she speaks, holds herself, and gestures. Does she do it with confidence or insecurity, and how does this relate to the way she looks?

  Even where she’s from—especially if it’s a town associated with a particular university, company, or occupation—can give you extraordinary information. The more you notice, the more specific and accurate your cold reading will be.

  TROUBLESHOOTING

  It may just happen that as you’re delivering a line, you see the woman you’re talking to shaking her head negatively and folding her arms. If this happens, you need to recover. To do so, just stick to the rules: Assert your confidence and return to your conditional words. You can turn it all around through the power of just one word: but.

  For example, if you’re telling her, “You tend to be critical of yourself sometimes,” and she starts to disagree, don’t get flustered. Just continue speaking as if she’s interrupting before hearing the complete thought: “But most of the time, you’re more accepting of yourself. And this is what makes you stand out from others around you.”

  Be forewarned that there’s one type of person you may come across who is invulnerable to cold reading. This person is what’s known as a “polarity responder.” Whatever you tell polarity responders about themselves, they’re going to disagree. They may even get upset or angry that you claim to know anything about them.

  For example, tell a polarity responder that she tends to be shy, and she’ll probably respond, “I’m actually very confident.” If you then simply repeat that she’s confident, she’ll say something like “Not always.” Why? Because polarity responders just don’t want to be defined. They derive their identity through their unique, uncompromising
, often argumentative individuality.

  Trying to cold read this kind of person is like trying to grip an eel. Eventually, you have to use a net to catch the eel. And that’s exactly what you’re going to do. Just smile and ask: “So you’re the type of person who doesn’t like to be pigeonholed?”

  There is literally no way she can answer this without agreeing with you. As you watch her forehead crease and the befuddlement begin, just laugh with her, tell her you’re joking, and quickly move on to another subject that doesn’t involve cold reading. If her personality is really unpleasant, extricate yourself politely with your all-purpose farewell: “Nice meeting you.”

  Amazing Yourself

  There’s a next level to this talent.

  Imagine walking up to a complete stranger and saying, “Out of curiosity, were you raised in a military family?… Yeah, I thought so… And you’re probably the oldest sister too… I knew it!”

  As you practice cold reading, you’ll develop a strong intuition for people. Eventually, you’ll find yourself going far beyond the principles described here, and you’ll actually be able to guess with decent accuracy whether someone is an oldest or youngest child; what she does for work; what type of environment she was raised in; and any number of specific facts about her.

  And if you happen to be wrong, you’ll have the cold-reading skills to explain what led you to your conclusion in a way she’ll ultimately agree with.

  Sound impossible? Well, you’ll learn more about how to do this when you study calibration on Day 28.

  MISSION 1: The Missing Link

  You have only one assignment today.

  It’s a piece that you’ve most likely not read about, heard about, or even imagined was part of the game. It’s also subtle and will require the social and cold-reading skills you’ve learned thus far.

  It’s a piece that differentiates those who fail at the game from those who succeed—even though both may be saying the exact same thing.

  It’s a piece that will keep you from accidentally losing yourself in the effort to improve yourself.

  It’s also simple and basic. And it’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned since writing The Game.

  When I first started teaching workshops, I noticed that I could tell just by looking at a student whether or not he was going to get good reactions from women. And it had nothing to do with what he was wearing, what he looked like, or what he said. It was something intangible. A certain energy he gave off.

  That’s when I realized that everyone I’d met in the game, students and teachers alike, was overlooking something. But I didn’t realize what that something was until months later.

  Here’s what happened: I had a student who’d been studying seduction for years. He’s a sweet, good-hearted guy who knows every routine (even listens to them incessantly on his iPod) and goes out to meet women nearly every night. Yet he’s still a virgin.

  So he decided to fly to Los Angeles for a one-on-one session. He wanted me to examine him and find his Achilles’ heel. I eventually found it, and it turned out to be such an epiphany that it changes the game of anyone who understands it.

  Here is the key distinction:

  The guy who fails at the game is the one who goes out looking for women to make him feel good about himself.

  The guy who succeeds at the game is the one who goes out and makes other people feel good about themselves.

  This first type of guy is someone no one wants to be around. He is needy, insecure, and reaction seeking. He will suck your energy dry in his quest for validation and approval.

  This second type of guy is easy to be with. He radiates charisma and positive energy. Women enjoy his company, as do their friends, and they want him around all the time. They trust him, feel comfortable with him, and end up at his house at five o’clock in the morning wondering where all that time went.

  Both guys do and say the exact same things, but they get very different reactions from women solely because of the intentions they’re communicating.

  Wait a minute, you may be thinking, what about disqualification? Doesn’t it seem to contradict the idea of making people feel good about themselves?

  Think again.

  When you give a generic compliment to a woman who’s often hit on, she’ll usually ignore the remark—or assume you’re saying it because you want to sleep with her. So instead you tease her, show her you’re unaffected by her beauty, and demonstrate that you’re out of her league. When she works to win you over, and you ultimately reward her with your approval, she will leave that night or the next morning feeling good about herself—like something special has happened and she’s connected with somebody who appreciates her for who she really is.

  In short, a teasing disqualification will buy you the credibility you need to sincerely compliment her later.

  So today we’re going to let go of our need for approval and we’re going to make people feel good about themselves. Don’t go to bars looking for approachable groups or cafés looking for lone women. Just go about your daily life. But three times during the day, go out of your way to make someone feel good about himself or herself.

  That is your mission.

  This might include telling a parent how much you appreciate him or her; making an awkward guest at a party feel wanted and included; telling a person who just blew a lot of money on a new outfit or haircut that it looks good; giving a homeless person eye contact, smiling, and handing over five dollars; or asking someone in a rush if they’d like to cut ahead of you in a checkout line.

  Be sure to look for what people need when you do this exercise. Don’t just give random compliments. And don’t be concerned with whether you’re raising or lowering your relative status. For example, if you see someone getting out of a new yellow Lamborghini with the dealer plates still on, instead of thinking he’s an asshole and a show-off, consider that he spent a lot of money because he wants your approval. So give it to him: “Hey man, cool car. I’m jealous.”

  Of the three people you make feel good about themselves today, only one interaction can occur on the phone. And at least one of the people you interact with must be a stranger.

  The goal is to stop worrying about what other people think of you, and start developing an instinct for what they need to feel good about themselves and their choices. You’ll be amazed by the results.

  After spending the weekend in L.A. and discussing these ideas, the student with the former Achilles’ heel sent me the following email: “The other night, it was my twenty-sixth birthday. I was chatting up a four-set using the positive ideas we’d discussed, and one of them started groping me. Next thing you know, hardcore tongue-down makeout. First time ever!”

  So get out of your head and start mastering the most intelligent and evolved emotion there is: empathy.

  MISSION 1: Make No Mistake

  We’ve covered a lot of ground in the last sixteen days.

  So let’s pause and make sure you’re up to speed.

  Welcome to review day.

  Your first task is to go over the Day 17 Briefing, which covers the eleven most common mistakes guys make when opening.

  Make sure you’re no longer doing any of them.

  MISSION 2: Check Your Core Competency

  Look over the previous eight days and review each mission.

  Make a list of the skills you don’t feel you’ve mastered yet.

  Your assignment is to redo each and every task you don’t feel competent in.

  At this point, you should be able to walk up to a woman or group, deliver an opener successfully, and transition smoothly into a value demonstration such as the rings routine. In addition, make sure you haven’t slacked in your attention to your body language, speech, and appearance.

  MISSION 3: Return of the Rings

  Your final review mission is to go out, approach a woman or group, and perform the rings routine again.

  Take your time with the delivery and incorporate the cold-reading info
rmation you learned on Day 15. Try to get a feel for the personality and self-image of the person you’re talking to. Add at least one of the cold-reading scripts you heard or read on Day 15 as well as an original line based on your own assessment of the person. Notice her responses to the material.

  Your mission is complete once you’ve successfully demonstrated the rings routine, with additional cold reading, for two different women or groups.

  1.

  Don’t wait to approach her until she’s alone. Even if she likes you, her friends will soon drag her away.

  2.

  Don’t stare at her for more than three seconds before approaching. Hesitate, and you’ll either creep her out or psych yourself out.

  3.

  Don’t be afraid to approach just because there are men in the group. Chances are she’s with family, friends, or coworkers, not a love interest.

  4.

  Don’t open a conversation by apologizing. Phrases like “Excuse me,” “Pardon me,” and “I’m sorry” make you sound like a beggar.

  5.

  Don’t hit on her or give her a generic compliment. Instead, start a conversation with an entertaining anecdote or question, such as asking the group to suggest names for a three-legged cat or a store that sells 1970s memorabilia. Everyone loves to give an opinion.

  6.

  Don’t buy her a drink. You shouldn’t have to pay for her attention.

  7.

  Don’t touch or grab her right away. If she touches you, say, with a smile, “Hey now, hands off the merchandise.”