Isolation

by Jenni Regan

  I was relieved that someone seemed to take control of the situation but annoyed that even Tom thought I might be capable of killing Granny.

  'Mr Carmichael, you know this needs to be done at the station. You are welcome to join us there. I understand you are a lawyer? She might be better off with you by her side rather than some of the poor sods that get drafted in for evening custody. We know nothing at the moment, and we need to uncover the facts of what has happened here.'

  Tom grabbed Rachel and they headed off towards a crappy blue car, which I guessed was the 'rustbucket' Rachel and I had joked about on Facebook. I thought how surprised she would be when she found out we had been in touch. I could reveal myself as Tania and we could laugh about it. That was if I wasn’t locked up with the key thrown away. From one prison to another.

  Alice

  I felt almost relieved when we arrived at the police station and I was led to a cell. I guess for some people, being locked up in a small room would fill them with dread, but for me, it was the big, bad world that had always been the problem. The chaos and noise that had greeted me when I left the prison of my making had left me feeling very shaken. There had been the lovely fact of seeing Rachel and Uncle Tom again after so long, but it was hardly the moment for a reunion or even a catch-up.

  The police officers who had booked me in were very nice and had treated me well. No one wanted to talk about the war that had been going on, but I guessed there would be time for that. For now, it was almost a relief that other people were taking care of me again. Since I had arrived, I had eaten a hot meal, albeit straight out of a microwave, but it was tasty nonetheless. I had improvised with tins out of the basement cooked on a campfire for the previous few weeks.

  Not so long ago, the idea of sitting with nothing to do would have freaked me out, but over time, I had learnt to sit quietly in the house with nothing but my thoughts. I was amazed by the world that had been opened by the books I had discovered in the attic. I had always thought my phone was the key to the universe, but reading had given me back my imagination. I found that the worlds I had read about would keep me going for hours after I had put the book down.

  It wasn't easy at first; in fact, I had felt myself almost go through a physical withdrawal of the constant noise and interaction from my technology. It had felt as though there was something always missing in my life without being able to reach for my phone, but not knowing what was happening out in the world had eventually become a relief. It had felt like I had been living like that for years when actually it must have only been a matter of weeks.

  I had been in the cell for around an hour when an officer arrived to take me through for questioning.

  'How are you feeling, my love? It must be scary being in here all alone,' he said, leading me to a table in a room. I was relieved to see that Tom was in there already, and I wanted to run up and hug him but thought it might be inappropriate in the circumstances.

  'Actually, it was quite a relief after all the chaos at the house,' I admitted taking a seat. They offered me a cup of tea, which I gratefully accepted. It was stewed and too sweet, but it was also my first cup of white tea in months, so it was bliss.

  They left us in the room alone, and Tom reached over to hug me. It felt like he was a stranger, which I guess in many ways he was. We hadn't actually seen each other for years. I was surprised at how old he looked.

  'Oh my god, Alice, how are you doing? Have they been treating you OK?'

  'Actually, it has been great! I haven't had a meal cooked for me for ages, and everyone has been really nice.' I tried to put a brave face on; after all, Tom was clearly facing a difficult situation. But there was some truth in what I said.

  'You know why you are here though, right? They will question you about the body they found today. I would love to run through your account first, but we don't have time. I just want to say for now that you can tell them “no comment” at every stage.'

  I couldn't understand why he would want me to do this when I had done nothing wrong. The sooner they heard what had happened, the sooner they could let me go again.

  'I don't mind answering their questions if it means this gets sorted out quicker. How is Rachel? Why is she here? Why are you both here?'

  'As you can imagine, this has all been a lot for her to take in. I mean, I haven't seen her since we were kids, but the last time she saw you was when you are still in nappies. It says a lot she is here though.'

  'Do you think she will stay around until I'm out?' I asked timidly, fully expecting her to head back to her real life as soon as she could.

  'Yes, don't worry, she is waiting back at the hotel for me. She will probably have to head back to London soon, though, as she has two young girls.'

  'Oh yes, I know. Kylie and Jess. They look like gorgeous kids,’ I said, forgetting for a moment that I had this information by dubious means. I hesitated. ‘Has she told them about me?’

  He looked puzzled and a little embarrassed. 'I think she is planning to when we get you out.'

  We were interrupted from any more catching up when two serious-looking people entered the room. The whole atmosphere changed, and Tom immediately became official and polite.

  'We met at the scene,’ the female officer said. ‘I am DCI Kingsley, and this is my colleague DI Barnes.' The woman pointed to her colleague who looked grey and non-descript next to her. I was surprised that neither were wearing a uniform, which I guessed meant they were high up. The male officer switched on what looked like a tape recorder. I only knew about these from retro pictures on Insta.

  'We have brought you in to chat about the discovery of a body at 34 Doncaster Avenue. You have already indicated that the remains may belong to a Mrs Josie Carmichael. Are you able to tell us why you think this is her body?'

  'If you are talking about my granny, I know it's her because I put her there.' I answered truthfully, noticing how Tom looked shocked and annoyed at this disclosure.

  'Can you clarify when you say you put her there? Are you admitting that you had a part in her death?' Kingsley asked.

  I almost laughed, but she looked deadly serious. 'Of course not. She died on the sofa one day. I told you before I think she died from natural causes.’

  I almost told them about the mess and the new sofa but realised that might sound even more strange that I was thinking of soft furnishings with a corpse next to me.

  The man spoke. He sounded kind. 'Can you tell us what happened to her, in your own words?'

  'It was nothing dramatic really. Gran had been out shopping, and when she came home, she said she had a headache. I left her with a cup of tea and a ciggie, and she seemed fine.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘But then when I walked back in the room, she wasn’t. Wasn’t fine, I mean. She wasn’t really . . . there anymore.’

  I had been through this so many times in my head, but somehow saying it out loud made it real, and I realised that I had a horrific memory of her. Flashes of her grotesque dead face penetrated my brain, and I could smell a horrific mixture of cigarette smoke, tea and shit.

  For a few moments it felt like I was right back there in the room with her, and I felt helpless.

  The Scarlet Detective clearly didn’t notice anything, which made me relieved that no one else could see how crazy I was feeling.

  ‘So, at this stage, we are assuming that poor Mrs Carmichael had indeed passed away. Did you check her vital signs? Administer any first aid?’

  ‘Yes, I did, actually. I even Googled how to give the kiss of life, but nothing worked.’

  I could suddenly feel Gran’s rapidly cooling, dry, papery skin as though I was still touching her, trying to figure out how to wake her up. It had felt like I was on autopilot at the time.

  ‘So, Ms Carmichael, tell me something: are you a doctor or have you had any medical training at any time?’

  Tom cut in. ‘Come on, you know she hasn’t.’

  ‘I wanted to check, as it appears you somehow decided th
at you had the skills and knowledge to decide that your grandmother had passed away and that there was nothing anyone could do. Most people leave that kind of decision to a doctor, or at least a paramedic.’ It felt as though she was mocking me.

  I knew how stupid it sounded. It was like Granny thinking she was some kind of high court judge just because she had an obsession with the Judge Rinder show. Granny considered herself an expert on lots of things.

  'OK, so if we accept your account that she died suddenly on the sofa, presumably in the living room, can you explain why the remains we found were in the basement downstairs?' The Scarlet Detective was back, and she was mean.

  I rushed to get my explanation out. 'As I explained, she was a mess and the whole house began to smell, so I moved her down to the freezer, which was actually a pretty good place for her until the power went.'

  This was the bit I couldn't really explain. It seemed like such a normal thing to do at the time, but to an outsider it must have seemed like a strange thing to do. I don’t really remember much about actually doing it. The detective took my silence as her cue to carry on accusations, and she reminded me of Jeremy Kyle when he used to get heated, knowing he wasn’t getting the truth out of his guests.

  'Until we have carried out tests, we can neither prove this is Josie Carmichael or know how she died. So for now, this is very much your word. Now I would like to show you some pictures from the crime scene. For the benefits of the tape, I am now showing Ms Carmichael and Mr Tom Carmichael pictures one to five of the Doncaster Road crime scene.'

  As he lay them out in front of us, I could see Uncle Tom wince as he saw the black bags spilling out in the freezer. There was clearly human flesh and liquid seeping out of the bags. Although it had been me who had put them there, seeing them laid out like this in front of me, like a crime scene, suddenly seemed so gory. How had I had ever felt that this was the way to deal with a body?

  I felt the familiar quickening of breath as the room swam. Within moments, I felt like I was having a full-blown heart attack. Tom obviously didn't know what was happening, and he started to panic. I also could see the look of disgust in his eyes.

  'Christ, can someone call a doctor? Alice is clearly not well,' Tom barked at the room.

  By this stage, I no longer felt like I was in the room. I sat glued to the spot, taking in the chaos, and eventually a younger officer, who was obviously the first aider, came running in with some kind of high vis vest on to show his role. He crouched down in front of me.

  'OK, Alice, what I want you to do is hold your breath. That's right, hold it for as long as you can and then try to let it out very gently.'

  This seemed impossible, and I was worried that if I held my breath then I would stop breathing, but he kept on speaking and counting which gave me something else to focus on. Eventually, after what felt like hours, I felt fully conscious again. We had been given time to get ourselves together, and someone bought me another hot cup of tea.

  While we were alone, Tom spoke quietly but with force. 'I know they will try to make you confess everything, but I need to know: why did you do that to my mother? Why on earth didn't you call the doctor or the police or whoever needed to know so she could be taken away and her body treated with dignity? Not left to rot like this.' He sounded angry, and I had never seen this side of him before.

  'I don't know; I panicked, I guess. I was so reliant on Gran, and when she was gone, I didn't know what to do. I was scared they would take me away.'

  He paused for a long time, looking torn. I noticed the clock in the room showed it was quarter past five, but I had no idea if that was morning or evening. This room had no windows.

  'But, Alice, you are not a child. I mean, you weren't even living there, were you? I am probably most hurt about the fact you lied to me. I asked you directly how my mum was, and you told me she was down in the basement when actually that was your opportunity to tell me everything.’

  'I didn't think you would care. I mean, you hadn't seen her for years. I hadn't seen Rachel since I was a toddler and you since I was a teenager, so it felt like I was completely alone.'

  I shivered remembering how empty the house felt without Gran.

  ‘I know it sounds stupid, Uncle Tom, but it didn’t even feel like it was me doing it. I actually only remembered what had happened when we were sitting here. It was almost as if it was a dream.’

  He didn’t look like he believed me, but he had calmed down. I clearly hadn’t done this because I was evil; I was just stupid.

  'But what about your friends? I mean, you have hundreds. You even went through the whole pretence of a funeral, right? So why bother pretending when you should have been doing that in real life?’

  I was mortified that he had seen my funeral show. It had seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but thinking that finding the exact right outfit and tweeting about it was somehow normal now seemed like the biggest crime. I really wish I had been able to give her a funeral. I started to cry.

  ‘Please tell me if you are still covering up for that piece of scum who they arrested. I mean, that would make sense. We know what he did to you.’

  I was horrified that Tom and possibly Rachel knew about my relationship with Stan and wondered how they found out. No wonder he was so disgusted with me, with what Stan had made me do. Just then the officers arrived back in and switched on the tape. The woman started the questioning again.

  'Alice, I hope you are feeling better now. It was obviously a shock to you seeing those pictures. Can you clarify that your grandmother died with only you in the house and that it was you alone?’

  ‘Yes, it was me.’

  ‘OK, but can you confirm that you were visited in the home by a Mr Stan Crane? Are you able to tell us if this was before or after your grandmother had passed away?’

  So, it wasn’t just Tom who knew about Stan. They had obviously been doing some real digging.

  'No, Granny was dead and in that situation before Stan came to the house. In fact, I invited him there because I had run out of money and was beginning to run out of food.'

  Tom and the officers all looked disappointed.

  'OK,’ the Scarlett Detective said, ‘let’s go back to the beginning and see if we can find out exactly what went on.’

  'OK, but can we do it without photos please?' I asked timidly.

  'Why is that, because they make you feel guilty?' said the male cop. Tom glared at him.

  And so, I told them in my own words how my granny was my world and the rest of my life was a fantasy. How I found her dead one day but didn't really believe it until she started to decompose.

  I told them I was worried I would be taken away by someone official and so I dealt with the problem myself. Then, I told them how when I ran out of money, I had to reach out to my then-boyfriend to step in and free up some cash.

  They listened intently and seemed to nod and ahh in the right places.

  'But why did you not want to tell anyone official? I mean, it makes little sense. You seem like a clever girl, and surely you know when someone dies you have to go through the proper channels.' The Scarlet Detective showed a glimmer of sympathy underneath her perfect makeup.

  'I guess in the beginning, I didn't really want to believe it was true. And then I wanted no one else to intrude. It had been just me and Gran for years. The last time social services got involved, it ended badly.'

  The officer looked towards Tom for an explanation.

  'Alice was taken out of her mother's care when she was a young child because of child protection issues. She spent time in the care system, before being placed with my parents.'

  'Yes, and it was when I got taken away from my mum that it all started.'

  'Can you elaborate on what you mean by that Alice?’ she asked quickly.

  I looked at the floor. I really didn’t want to open this can of worms. I have never shared this with anyone, but I needed understanding right now.

  'The horrible stuff, the touch
ing and the kissing. Well, I guess you would call it abuse.'

  'Who did that to you, Alice?'

  'I don't even remember his name, just that he was in the second foster home I was placed in. I wasn’t there for long. I mean, I wasn’t anywhere for long.’

  I hadn’t let myself think about this for years, but sure enough, as soon as I opened the door, all the memories came flooding back. The smell of their washing powder. The incessant yapping of the dog they kept tied up in the yard. But most of all the heavy feel of him.

  ‘He was meant to be my big brother, and at first, I thought he was being nice to me. I had never had another person to play with, so it was fun at first, but then he started touching me.’

  'So, to clarify, you are making allegations that you were a victim of abuse while in a foster care placement, and that this made you wary of outside intervention, even as an adult?’

  'I guess so, yes. I know it is not an excuse, and I can’t really explain it.’

  The male officer leant forward and put a hand on my arm. It was so rare for me to be touched that I flinched. Even Granny hadn’t really touched me for years.

  'I am really sorry to hear that, Alice, and we will look into this for you. Child abuse is never acceptable. It must have been a relief when your grandparents took you in,' he said with kindness.

  I must have gone white at this thought, and Tom noticed.

  'Alice, please tell me you were safe living with Granny and Grandad and that nothing else happened while you were there?'

  But I couldn't. I looked over, and Tom knew. I wonder if it happened to him too. I thought I was always Granddad's special little girl, but I know now that this is rarely the case.

  'It didn't start immediately. In fact, he waited until I was about nine before he turned his attention on me. '

  ‘Who are you talking about, Alice? A member of your family?’ The Scarlet Detective was clearly angry but no longer at me.

  Tom broke in, knowing exactly who I was talking about. 'Why didn't you tell someone, get away?' Tom asked slowly, looking devastated.