by Loretta Lost
“It’s my pleasure,” he says with a chuckle. “And Snowball is already settled in at home and waiting for us, so if there are any stray critters, she is sure to have hunted them down and devoured them.”
The idea of spending a little time in a country cabin with our puppy is perfect. While I was in the hospital, Liam managed to sneak her in to meet me, disguising her as a therapy dog. While I didn’t have any memories of the little ball of fur, it was clear that she remembered me by her furious licking and yipping.
Why is it that having the love of a dog is almost as wonderful as having the love of a man? It’s possibly better in some ways. You never have to be suspicious about the dog’s intentions.
As Liam drives up into the driveway of my wooden cabin, I eagerly detach my seatbelt and open the vehicle door. I wince as I try to step out, gripping the doorframe tightly with one hand, and hugging my wine bottle tightly with the other. Liam quickly turns off the engine and moves around the car to help me out. He slips a hand around my waist to help me stand, and simultaneously closes the car door with his other.
Holding me gently, he guides me toward the house. I can already hear Snowball barking at the door in excitement.
"Shouldn't we get the other wine?" I ask him.
"I'll go back for it after," Liam says. "Let's get you settled in first."
I appreciate this, because even sitting in the car for a few minutes has given me a great deal of pain. I don't want to complain, but it could be very nice to lie down for a little. As we approach the door, Snowball's barks get louder. I can't help laughing at her enthusiasm. When Liam turns the key in the lock and opens the door, Snowball goes into a frenzy. She jumps on me and claws at my skirt, pawing and scratching desperately in a desire to be held.
I find myself laughing uncontrollably as I put my wine bottle down and stoop to gather her up into my arms. She reminds me of a child who has been separated from her parent, and I feel suddenly very parental. A frightening thought suddenly strikes me.
What would it have been like if I'd had a baby sometime over the past few years? Would I have forgotten my own child? However, the love I feel from simply holding Snowball in my arms reassures me that it would not matter. Even if I couldn't remember the people I loved, I am sure I could find a way to love them again quite quickly.
Human beings are simply filled with so much love to give that time and memory don't really matter. Our hearts are infinite.
After all, my suave boyfriend seems to be finding his way back into my heart quite quickly.
When I turn to look at him, his eyes are shining with laughter at Snowball's reaction. He is petting her furry white head, and smiling down at me with vast adoration apparent in his face. I am happy. This is perfect. It doesn't matter that I can't remember. It's like living in a dream; I fell asleep and woke up in another world, and had everything I ever wanted.
And this, right here, is the center of it all: I am standing in the beating heart of perfection.
When Liam leans down to place a kiss against my lips, it feels like the most natural thing in the world. I feel like we have done this a thousand times before, and I easily sink against him. When Snowball tries to climb onto my shoulder to join in the action with some vigorous face-licking, it only makes it better as we both erupt into laughter.
"Come with me," Liam tells me as he guides me into the house. "Close your eyes. I have a surprise for you."
"This can't get any better than it already is, Boyfriend," I inform him seriously. I feel like every breath I inhale contains a touch of bliss. Compared to the New York smog I remember, it might as well be. "Just quit while you're ahead."
"Just trust me," he says, taking Snowball from my hands. I suddenly notice that there is a bit of silver glitter in Snowball's fur, and this confuses me. But Liam distracts me by taking both of my hands in his. "Close your eyes," he says again.
"Alright, alright," I say softly, curiously following his instructions. I don't know how he can possibly be cruel enough to ask me to close my eyes. Now that I can see, I wish they could always be open. I let him guide me through the cabin, and I can feel the wooden floorboards shifting and creaking under my steps. The cabin feels rather large as we carefully walk through the space, and I am anxious to open my eyes and look around.
"It's just in here," Liam says, turning a doorknob to open a room.
I am worried for only a second before the fragrance hits me. If I thought the air tasted like bliss before, I was insane.
Roses.
The unmistakable scent invades my senses with a dizzying aroma. I am suddenly certain that I have died. This is too pleasurable to be real. I must have died and gone to heaven... or France. A pair of strong, masculine hands encircle my waist, and I inhale sharply at the heat that begins to creep into my abdomen.
"Liam," I whisper breathlessly as I feel his fingers tighten around my hips. He stands closer to me, so that I can feel his body pressed against my back.
"I knew I could get you to say my name," he murmurs against my ear in a low voice. "Open your eyes, Helen."
Tentatively, with both fear and anticipation, I let my eyelids flutter open. The sight that greets me is the most gorgeous scene that I have ever beheld. Of course, there isn't much competition since I have not beheld very many sights, but it is still so profoundly beautiful that it nearly knocks me off my feet. I always thought the word "swoon" was ridiculous, but I can literally feel my weak knees go even weaker and threaten to collapse simply from visual pleasure.
It is a bedroom. Not just a bedroom, but a fantasy bedroom, filled with bouquets of what must be thousands of white roses-- at least I think they are white. The air is so thick with their fragrance that I can hardly breathe. But if I were to suffocate here, I would die happily in the midst of all this beauty. After staring for a few seconds in amazement, my vision focuses so that I can see another detail: the edges of their petals seem to be dusted with some kind of metallic silver sparkles-- at least I think it might be silver. It is shiny like the letters on the wine labels, but not quite the same color.
I am floored. I lean back against Liam weakly, feeling my heartbeat pounding like a set of war drums within my chest.
This is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever done for me, and it brings tears to my eyes.
Snowball runs forward into the room, barking in joy. She spins around in excitement, before looking up at me with a wagging tongue. "Isn't this the greatest?" she seems to be asking. I couldn't agree more. It is so beautiful that I don't think I am strong enough to stand in this room for a second more without melting into a puddle of ecstasy. Liam's hands on my body and the feeling of his breath on the back of my neck is not helping.
"You missed the most important part," Liam says softly, placing a kiss against my shoulder. "Look up."
Glancing up for the first time, I see silver script on the wooden wall. It takes me a moment to be able to read the sentence, for I am not used to using my eyes to decipher the shapes of letters.
"Winter Rose," I read carefully, before squinting to translate the rest of the sentence from text to speech; "Will you... marry... oh my god!" I immediately feel a rush of heat in my chest as I swivel around like I have been struck. "Liam!" I cry out, grabbing the front of his shirt to keep myself standing. I can hear the sound of my heart hammering nails into my already damaged skull. "Is this...? Are you! But how can you...? Now! Oh my god!"
"I know this is sudden," he explains softly, gripping my shoulders tightly to try to calm me down. "But hear me out. It only seems sudden to you. It's not sudden to me at all. Helen, this has been brewing in the back of my head for the longest while. I wanted to propose sooner, but I delayed too long and I nearly lost you. I'm not going to risk wasting any more time. I know how I feel about you."
"But..." I find myself hyperventilating as I look up into his hazel eyes. My head injury is beginning to ache fiercely, and I imagine that the blood vessels in my brain cannot handle the increased pressure.
"I barely know you," I whimper in a pathetic voice. I find myself suddenly falling, and I am grateful that Liam holds me tightly enough to catch me. "I think... I need to sit down," I mumble incoherently, but Liam is already helping me move over to the bed.
Once I am sitting on the edge, I grasp the fluffy white duvet for dear life. Snowball barks at me with concern, moving over to sit near my feet and look up at me in confusion. I take several deep breaths in an attempt to calm the pounding in my skull. I am so humiliated right now. I thought that I was feeling better, and that my injuries weren't that serious or debilitating, but the pain in my head makes me feel like I might have a hundred new forms of brain damage that I am soon to discover.
The biggest form of brain damage that I am concerned about developing is marriage.
I have been so overwhelmed with the pain that I did not notice Liam has stooped to one knee and is holding out a small box. He cracks it open to reveal a slender ring with a stone that I can't identify. All the names of gemstones I've ever heard rush through my mind, and I wonder which one it is. A diamond? Sapphire? Ruby?
"Helen Winters," he says softly. "Will you please do me the honor of becoming my wife?"
I stare at him in disbelief, shaking my head in fear and confusion. "It depends," I mutter. My chest is constricted, and I find myself suddenly coughing violently. "Will you do me the honor of bringing me some water?"
Chapter Eleven
“Here you go,” he says, handing me a glass.
I reach out to rip the cool liquid from his hands, and bring it to my lips hastily. I begin gulping down a considerable amount, and don’t stop until I’ve emptied nearly half the glass. “Thank you,” I say weakly. “Now bring me a bottle of wine.”
“Helen,” he says softly, taking the glass of water away from me. He places it on the ground before cupping his hands around both of my knees and squeezing gently. “I’m sorry if this upset you. But will you consider my question? I got a bottle of champagne to celebrate if you said ‘yes.’ It’s your favorite kind.”
“Listen, Boyfriend,” I say softly, pressing a hand against my forehead to soothe my migraine. “This was incredible. This was mind-blowing. But I can’t! I’m here with you, now, but my mind is still trapped in three years ago. I’m still mentally much younger than I am. The idea of being with a man at all is still so foreign to me. This is moving too fast. Don’t you understand that?”
“I do understand,” Liam says softly. “But I already know that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want you to be sure of that, too. We have time, Helen. We have time to get to know each other all over again. We have time to figure out how to be together. But I don’t want any uncertainty, distance, or hesitation between us.”
My father’s words begin to spin inside my head. All of his warnings and cautions come to the forefront of my mind, and attack my thoughts with a vengeance. I am suddenly very aware of how strange this situation is, and how aggressive Liam is being. Is it even safe to be alone with him out here in the woods if he’s going to behave this obsessively? Flashes of violent images pass through my mind, and I wonder if they’re memories or scenes from the book that Liam read to me when I was in the hospital. I reach up and run my hand through my hair, wincing at the pain in my head and neck. I press my fingers around the tender area, prodding it gently.
“I’ve hurt you,” Liam says suddenly. “My god, Helen, I’m so sorry. I’ve given you additional stress that you didn’t need. You’re in no condition to be making decisions like this right now. What the hell was I thinking? I’m a fucking asshole.”
“No,” I whisper softly, reaching out to touch his face. His light stubble chafes at my fingers in a comforting way, reminding me of my father’s beard when I was a child. I shift forward on the bed so that I can pull Liam’s head against my chest and hug him gently. I place a kiss against the top of his head. “This was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. Unless you’ve done something sweeter in the past few months that I can’t remember, which I’m sure you have. But that’s just the issue: I don’t have all the information required.”
“I’m so sorry,” Liam says, wrapping his arms around me tightly. “God, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I say softly, combing my fingers through his hair soothingly. “This was a bit emotional and exhausting for me. Just give me some time to heal. Give me some time to figure out who I am right now, and who you are. I can’t afford to make a mistake about something this important. Can we take it slow? Can we take it one step at a time?”
“Of course,” he says, sighing against my chest in disappointment.
My face wrinkles into a frown, and I pull away slightly. “I know you’ve already been through all the steps—but can you be patient enough to wait for me? It’s totally cool if you’re not. You can just leave me. I will understand.”
“Leave you?” he asks angrily. “Why would you suggest that, Helen?”
I shrug and look down in embarrassment. “I have brain damage,” I whisper.
“You obviously do,” Liam says, pulling away and rising to his feet. I look up in surprise at his fierce tone, and see that he is slipping an arm under my knees while sliding another around my back. He lifts me easily and carries me to the pillows on the bed. He moves so quickly that I don’t even have time to protest.
Leaning over me to place a kiss on my forehead, Liam stares down into my eyes with a predatory and almost savage ferocity. “You obviously have really serious brain damage if you think I’m ever going to leave you. Especially over something as small as a little brain damage.”
I have never seen a lion, but I imagine this is exactly what it would look like before one eats you alive. I somehow believe that anyone cowering under the gaze of such a noble creature would be honored to be breakfast for the king of the jungle. I, for one, almost want to beg to be eaten alive.
Instead, I reach up and trail my fingers over his neck and jaw. He growls in response, and my body begins to tingle in response to the animalistic sound.
I know one thing is for certain: I want him.
I think I might trust him, too.
My body wouldn’t lie to me, would it? Even when he’s aggressive with me, I feel safe in his capable hands. I feel a little thrilled, actually.
I think I might even love him.
Taking a deep breath to try to calm my dizzying emotions, I press my palm flat against Liam’s chest. “Someday,” I tell him softly. “That’s my answer. Ask me again sometime soon, once I’ve gotten to know you again. When I’m ready, I’ll say yes.”
“Okay,” he responds, lowering his face to let his nose linger against mine. “I will ask you again when the time is right.”
“Thank you,” I tell him softly. Then my lips curl into a smile. “Besides! I’ve only just gotten used to calling you Boyfriend. If I have to start calling you Fiancé, I’ll get all confused.”
“You could always call me Liam,” he suggests softly.
“No way,” I tease, turning to the side and snuggling into the soft pillows. “That’s so boring. That’s like calling the captain of a pirate ship ‘John’ instead of ‘Captain.’ I simply won’t do it.”
“Helen, you say the strangest things when you’re tired.”
“Mmm,” I respond as my eyes drift closed.
Chapter Twelve
Have you ever woken up on a soft bed in a room full of roses?
I think it must be the best feeling possible. Stretching out languidly on the sheets, I enjoy the freshly-rested feeling in my bones and muscles. I know I didn’t move around very much yesterday, but it was the most moving around I’ve done since the accident. Of course, the most draining part of my day was the proposal.
Did that really happen? Or did I just dream it?
A heavy object slips around my waist, and I am startled to look down and see a large, tanned arm wrapped around my body. I immediately stiffen in shock.
“Boyfriend?” I ask nervously.
“Good morning,” he responds sleepily. “Do you like the mattress? I had it delivered when I saw how squeaky and hard the old one was. I also got Egyptian cotton sheets.”
“It’s really lovely,” I tell him softly, staring down at his arm with anxiety. This may be normal for him, and we might have slept beside each other dozens of times; but I have never woken up in bed with a man beside me. At least, not that I remember. It takes me a moment to gather my bearings and remember my manners. "Thanks for doing all this work to set up the cabin. It's really cozy and inviting."
"I was hoping you'd like it," he says with a yawn, pulling me closer. "After spending so much time in the hospital, I really wanted you to stay somewhere that felt like home."
"It does feel like home," I tell him softly, looking around at the roses. I can feel the effort that he’s put into making this little cabin special. I just wished I didn’t feel like there was something a little off about this whole situation.
“What’s wrong?” Liam asks me, nuzzling his face against my shoulder.
"Nothing," I lie awkwardly. I don't know why, but I feel like it would be uncool to admit that I'm uncomfortable with being close to someone I'm supposed to love. Someone that I supposedly have lived with for months. But I am not the same girl who lived with him. In my head, I am 21 year old Helen who has little to no experience with guys. I only know how to be friends with them. I've had a few kiddie boyfriends, but nothing like this. I have never dated a real man.
What if I do something wrong? What if I scare him away? For God’s sake, he wants me to be his wife! Did Future Helen change into some kind of perfect and mature woman that guys would want to marry? Did she learn to cook or something? I can't do any wifely duties. I have never even done my own laundry. Does Liam know that? Or did I somehow change once I got the ability to see?
What if the girl Liam loves is a girl I once became, but a girl that I will never be again? We can't be sure that I will ever regain my memories. While I am contemplating this, Liam somehow manages to snuggle even closer, plastering his body against my back and entangling his leg with mine.
