by Loretta Lost
"Mmm," he says softly as he places a kiss against my neck. "It's only been a few days, but I really missed having you in my arms. Sleeping in that motel room alone was torture. Knowing you were just across the street, and that you didn't even know who I was? If it weren’t for Snowball’s puppy-cuddles, I would have gone crazy."
"The hospital bed was really uncomfortable, too," I add nervously. "But to be honest... I didn't even remember what it was like to sleep beside you."
"It's just right," he tells me, running his hand over my side, from my waist to my thigh. "I never want to be away from you again, Helen. It makes me feel so incomplete."
I wish I could feel all of his romantic sentiments. I wish I could return them wholeheartedly and really enjoy this moment.
It just feels so new. It feels like I'm being tricked or pressured into being part of an ancient relationship that never included me. I feel like I am playing pinch hitter for this other Helen. It's like that version of me died, and I am being forced to accept a massive inheritance of all the wealth and love she earned over the course of her lifetime. At this moment, it seems like she has only left me good things, but I know that cannot be: at some point, I will be expected to take over all her responsibilities and her debts as well.
I wish I knew what those were.
"Are you hungry?" Liam asks me.
Realizing that my stomach has been growling, I am anxious to seize this way out. "I'm famished," I say honestly. "I could go for a big steak and an even bigger glass of wine."
"I've got some meat I can cook over the barbeque in the back," Liam says as he reluctantly pulls away from our embrace and drags himself out of bed.
When he stretches, I find myself staring at the well-defined muscles in his naked back with a slack jaw. I have never seen a male torso before, and I can't force myself to look away. Liam is clad in only a pair of loose-fitting paints, and the sight of his physique stirs a different kind of appetite in my lower abdomen. I am a little startled at my body's response to him, but pleased that these parts are working at all. At least I know that I can't be that brain damaged if I can still manage to feel arousal.
I guess there's hope for me yet.
Liam turns back to me with a smile. "I'll try to whip something up fast. I know you haven't eaten real food in a while, and you could use a good meal."
"I certainly could, Boyfriend."
When Liam leaves the room, I collapse against the bed and wrap my arms around my middle. I feel like I have been holding my breath to try and conceal my feelings. I can't believe that my body would hum to life like this over just the sight of him. Is it some kind of conditioning? Does my body remember him even if I've forgotten?
Turning to the side, I grab a pillow and hug it against me tightly, wrapping my legs around the soft, plump rectangle. Without even meaning to, I find myself squeezing the pillow between my thighs to try to relieve some of the tension that seems to be gathering in my body. Maybe my father is wrong: the real question is not whether I can trust Liam and his intentions.
The bigger issue is whether I can trust myself. If that man really tried to put his hands on me, I don't think I would be capable of logical thinking. Even the tiny touches we’ve shared at the hospital and since we arrived here at the cabin have managed to set me on fire.
I have not seen many men since I have been able to see. There was Owen, my father, a few doctors, and the liquor store clerk. None of them seemed to have any effect on me other than piquing my curiosity at the various shapes and heights of human beings. But Liam? He’s perfect. He's dangerous. I am sure that a carnivorous lion stretching on the savannah would seem more harmless than my boyfriend.
What have I gotten myself into?
The sight of his body causes me much more brain damage than any car accident ever could.
Chapter Thirteen
I polish off the last of my burger with a contented sigh. It is messy and scrumptious, and there is delectable sauce all over my fingers. This is infinitely better than any of the hospital food I’ve been forced to stuff down my throat over the past few days.
And the best part? Wine.
I would have liked to have a conversation with Liam over dinner, but the burger monopolized my full attention. Licking my fingers to savor the sauce, I reach for a napkin and clean off my fingers as much as possible before reaching for the stem of my oversized wine glass. Liam really does know just how I like it. Is there anything better than the luxurious feeling of a wine glass that is roughly half the size of your head?
“You destroyed that burger,” Liam comments in awe. “I wasn’t sure whether I had cooked it perfectly...”
“Are you kidding me? You’re like Picasso with a barbeque.”
“Thanks,” Liam says happily as he holds the bottle out to refill my wine. “Would you like to come inside and watch a movie with me? I think I picked one which is perfect for the occasion.”
“What’s the occasion, Boyfriend?”
“Oh, a lot of things. Homecoming, being reunited, your recovery. I could go on and on about all the things we have to celebrate.”
“I like this positive attitude,” I say with a grin, reaching forward to clink my wine glass against his before taking a big drink. “Here’s to all of those things.” Following Liam back inside, I wrap my sweater around my shoulders closer as I move to sit on the couch. Yes, somehow Liam even managed to buy me a few new wardrobe items so that I would have clothes to wear. They are modest and comfortable clothes, with a few funky pieces like denim short shorts. He seems to know just my style. It’s almost creepy how well he knows every detail of my life, when I feel like I am sitting with a complete stranger.
Liam moves to the entertainment center to put on a movie, and I immediately smile at his choice. I have never seen a movie before, although I have listened to many, and I am excited.
“50 First Dates?” I ask teasingly.
“It’s about a girl that has memory issues,” Liam explains. “I thought it was fitting. It also has the kind of crude toilet humor that Owen would approve of. Too bad he can’t be here to watch it with us!”
I didn’t get to chat with Owen very much at the hospital, before he was forced to drive Carmen home so that they could both return to work. He seemed like an interesting fellow, and he did make me smile a lot. It was nice to see that Liam has such a close friend.
There was one strange moment a few days ago when Owen called Liam to ask me what my sister’s favorite flowers were. I supplied the answer curiously, and couldn’t help wondering if there was something going on there. I am not a gossipy person, but I thought my sister was married? And I thought Owen had a long-term girlfriend? So why do they seem to be making love with their eyes when they stand in a room together, and why the roses and romance?
I take a sip from my wine glass with a devious little smile. Maybe they’re both unhappy, and they’re slowly finding their way to each other. That would make a good story. Plus, my sister and Liam’s best friend? That would make for some awesome double dates and couple-y trips. Maybe Liam and I could interfere with the situation, and facilitate their torrid affair...
My thoughts stop drifting when the movie begins and Liam moves to sit on the couch beside me. I make a mental note to mention it to him later, and suggest we shove our noses where they don’t belong and meddle with the Owen-Carmen situation. Owenmen? Carmowen? That’s the one! They shall henceforth be known as Carmowen. It’s a thing. It’s happening.
Taking another giddy sip from my wine glass, I turn my attention to the movie. However, Liam pulls my legs into his lap and begins to massage them. This feels so good, especially after my recent injuries. His touch is both sensual and therapeutic.
I drift into a state of bliss as I sip on my wine and watch the movie, with my feet in my boyfriend’s lap. At some point, Snowball bounces up onto the couch and curls up against my stomach. I switch my wine glass to my other hand so that I can pet her lazily. The movie makes me laugh frequently, but
the story is also adorably sweet. The man in the movie is so sensitive and persistent that he reminds me of Liam. Just much less attractive. Glancing over at my boyfriend, I feel a blush heating up my face as my skin becomes warm and flushed from drinking the wine.
The relaxing massage isn’t helping, as Liam’s hands expertly knead first my feet, then my calves, then my thighs. It is hard to stay still and keep from squirming when his fingers begin to caress my sensitive skin. He seems unaffected, like he has touched my legs a thousand times before.
But for me, it is the first time, and it’s driving me wild.
As his fingers approach the hem of my denim short shorts, I find myself tilting my wine glass back and taking several large gulps to calm my nerves. A small metal object enters my mouth, and I am so startled that I nearly swallow it. Catching it on my tongue expertly, like a goalie making a save, I reach up in confusion and find a tiny metal ring. I stare at it in shock for a moment before my relaxed state flies out of the window.
Using my feet to shove Liam away from me, I frown at him as he goes tumbling off the couch. I grab the remote control and pause the movie as I stand up and place a hand on my hip.
“What the hell!” I shout, holding up the ring between my thumb and forefinger. “Did you really decide to do this again? Now?!”
“You said I could ask again later,” he says innocently.
“Urgh!” I grunt in frustration, and Snowball looks at me quizzically. “Your daddy is being a jerk,” I explain to her. “Will you bite him for me? Go bite him, girl! Get him!”
Snowball leaps into action, and while she does not exactly bite Liam, she begins barking at him ferociously. This is her best attempt at being a fearsome beast, but sadly, she is just a small and fuzzy creature whose barks amount to adorable squeaks.
“Hey, hey!” Liam says, putting his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “I apologize, my lady. Please don’t have me mauled alive by your vicious attack dog. I made a mistake, but no one deserves to die like this.”
Snowball can tell that he is making fun of her, and she begins to nibble at his pants as a low growl rumbles in her little body.
“Strike Two, Boyfriend,” I say, waving the ring at him before placing it down on the coffee table. “That was not cool. I said ‘someday.’ I said you could ask me again sometime soon...”
“This is sometime soon,” he informs me, glancing at his watch. “Now seems like a great time to get engaged!”
“No. It isn’t,” I say softly. “We haven’t even had a chance to have a freaking conversation yet! Not since we got home.”
“But we talked so much in the hospital. I thought we were having a good time tonight! Weren’t you enjoying yourself? We had a good meal, and we were halfway through a funny movie. We’re relaxed and comfortable together. Don’t you want more of this?”
“Of course!” I nearly shout at him. “But this isn’t everything! There’s so much more I need to know. Will you give me a break? I just met you. Try to understand that! I. Just. Met. You!”
“Shhh,” he says, moving over to me and cupping my face in his hands. “I’m sorry, Helen. I know that things are really strange for you right now. I’m sorry for bringing this up so much when it makes you uncomfortable. I just can’t help myself.” Sliding his hands back over my jaw and ears, Liam tangles his fingers up in my hair. “I love you, and I nearly lost you. I haven’t told you this, but we actually had a really bad fight right before the accident.”
“We did?” I ask softly.
“Yes. And it’s my fault. I’m the one who made you upset. I’m the one who made you decide to drive out here at all. I’m the one who made you cry. That was the first and only fight we’ve ever really had, Helen, and it was an explosion. I’m just trying to make things right.”
I stare into his sincere eyes with fear. “What was the fight about?” I ask.
“It was...” He lowers his gaze. “It’s really difficult for me to bring it up.”
“See, this is the kind of important thing I need to know!” I say in exasperation, grabbing a small pillow from the couch and tossing it at him. “How do you expect me to marry someone without having any idea what kind of topics we disagree on? What subjects make us both so angry that we get into huge fights? What is it? Religion? Politics? Philosophy? What is it, Boyfriend? What the hell happened?”
“It was my birthday,” he begins softly, turning away from me and taking a few steps. He moves to crouch down before the fireplace, and grabs a hot poker to begin stirring the flames. “You came to my work to bring me a telescope...”
“A telescope?”
“It’s something I wanted since I was a kid,” he says quietly. “I told you the story once, when I took you to see your first star. You must have remembered.”
“So what happened?” I demand. “Why did we fight?”
“I don’t know,” he whispers. “It all happened so fast and got out of control.”
“What kind of an answer is that? Something must have happened. Did I walk in on you sleeping with your secretary?”
“No, no,” Liam says somberly. “Nothing like that. I was on the phone... with your father. I had just asked him for permission to marry you. And he...” Liam trails off into silence as he stares into the flames.
“What happened?” I ask him, moving closer. I crouch at his side and place a hand on his arm. “I need to know. We can’t move forward and get back to being us unless I know everything.”
I see the Adam’s apple in his neck move as he swallows. The firelight is reflecting hurt and shame in his eyes. My mind races with imagining all the horrible things we could have fought about. Was it something I did? Oh my god. Did I hurt him? But how could anything break a strong man down like this?
“I can’t do this,” Liam says, rising to his feet and walking away. “I’m sorry.”
I stare after his retreating form in disappointment. Sitting alone on the soft rug before the fire, I hug my knees against my chest. Snowball yips softly and moves to my side to curl up against me.
What happened that day? Why did I crash my car?
What if Liam never tells me? Could we still carry on, or would my pride refuse to let me be with him? I didn’t know this about myself before this moment, but honesty and openness are the things I value most in a relationship.
Liam is a real charmer, and I can tell he’s used to getting what he wants. But if he doesn’t come clean with me and be completely, brutally honest, then I don’t think I can marry him. I don’t think I can even keep calling him my boyfriend. Mom would disapprove. I’d rather be alone than be with a man who keeps things from me. Or would I? In the short time that I have known him, he has brought such joy into my world.
But it sounds like he has also brought some heartache.
I wonder if I will ever learn the secrets that are locked inside my past.
Chapter Fourteen
With my hands tucked into the pockets of my sweater, I follow Snowball across the rocky forest path. I feel a little worn out and frazzled after badgering Liam for days, and I have been possessed by the urge to get away. I am starting to feel stronger and healthier, so I thought that a walk might do me some good. Snowball would not let me go alone, so I was forced to let the little ball of fur accompany me. She seems to be enjoying exploring the open trails.
The location of my cabin is scenic and satisfying. The forest is silent, except for the gentle rustling of the trees. I find the sound calming and uplifting. I think that I could walk in the forests alone forever, just breathing in the clean air, and reveling in the peace and solitude. I don't have to look a certain way for anyone. I don't have to pretend that I know anyone. I don't have to try so hard to love someone that I don't even know. Someone who won’t let me know him.
Snowball yips at me, distracting me from my thoughts. A smile tugs at my lips.
Why was it so easy for me to love Snowball again, but not so easy to get along with Liam? I really wanted to. I really wanted to
feel the way I always expected I would feel when I fell in love someday. So what's missing? Is there some critical piece of information locked away inside my mind that holds the key to me being able to let go? Or did the proposals just scare me so much that I put up walls and defenses?
A rustling in the forest suddenly startles me, and I pivot on my heels in surprise. There is a snapping of a twig and a flash of movement, and the feeling of someone's hand on my arm. Before I can even know what's happening, I find my body springing into motion and grabbing my attacker's arm with a grip that is firm and skilled. I am surprised by my strength as I twist my upper body and push my assailant to the ground, positioning my body over top of his.
“Whoa,” he says in surprise. “Howdy, neighbor.”
It takes me a moment before I am able to focus enough to see his face. He has blonde hair and blue eyes, and the most innocent expression imaginable on his soft features. I realize that I am twisting his arm so much that it is painful, for I can see him wincing. I can also feel the hard contours of his body beneath mine, and the warmth of his skin is seeping through our clothes.
Ripping myself away rapidly, I take several deep breaths as I rise to my feet and grasp a nearby small tree. How did I even do that?
“Someone has some serious martial skill going on there,” he says in appreciation as he dusts himself off. “What was that? Judo?”
“I don't know,” I say honestly, looking down at my hands as though they are alien features. “I have no idea what I just did. I'm sorry.”
“Don't be! Self-defense is a handy trick that all women should know. I might not have been the sort of creep that you needed to defend yourself from, but you never know when you might run into one! I'm David, by the way. David Duncan.”
