Clarity 4

by Loretta Lost

  Liam holds up his cell phone, which I can barely see in the dark. “I tracked Snowball’s dog collar with my GPS app.”

  “That’s cool,” David says sadly. “There go my dreams of dognapping this little princess.”

  “You can borrow her anytime,” Liam says kindly. “Helen and I have each other for company, and you just have paints.”

  By the time I get to the easel, I am realizing that I can see nothing at all. Why is it getting so dark so fast? I rub my eyes aggressively, but nothing happens.

  No. Did I just sit impossibly still for several hours only to not be able to see the painting? I bite my lip in fear. What if I will never be able to see it? After the men hyped it up like they did, I feel like screaming in frustration.

  “Helen, are you okay?” Liam asks.

  I am about to respond when I hear the ringing of my cell phone. It is tucked away in my sweater which is only a few feet away. I can’t see the object, but I can tell where it is by the sound. Moving over there, I bend over to search for the electronic device.

  David whistles. “Now there’s a view worth painting,” he jokes to Liam, who growls softly in response.

  Grabbing my sweater, I am terrified to realize that I can’t even read the name of the caller. Why are my eyes so weak? Is it from sitting in the sun all day? I am a little uncomfortable about answering the phone while two men are staring at my naked body, but I go ahead and do it anyway, holding up my sweater in an attempt to cover my breasts.

  “Hello?” I say awkwardly into the phone.

  “Hey, Hellie,” my sister’s voice says softly. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m perfect, Carmen,” I say as I walk away to try and hide myself behind a tree. “It’s great to hear from you! I’ve just been having the loveliest weekend, relaxing and cooking burgers over a fire with Liam in my backyard. We’re camping out under the stars and talking all night.” I pause, wondering if something’s wrong. “How are you doing? I heard that someone had a crush on you and bought you flowers.”

  Carmen laughs softly. “Well, it’s a long story. I... I don’t know where to begin, really. This has possibly been the worst weekend of my entire existence.”

  “Oh no, Carm. Tell me what’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know if I should, Hellie. You’re relaxing and having a good time with Liam. I don’t want to ruin your little vacation with my bad news.”

  “Please,” I insist. “You said that we haven’t been close in years. I want to hear everything. I’m sorry that I haven’t called you this weekend—I’ve just been overwhelmed with getting to know Liam all over again, and learning all these things about myself and my life that I should already know. But you’re part of my life too, Carm. I don’t care if you weren’t before—you are now. Please tell me what’s going on.”

  “Well,” Carmen says quietly, “a few days ago, I went into extremely early labor and I lost my baby. So... yeah. That happened.”

  “Oh my god,” I whisper, turning around and placing my back against the tree. My heart starts beating wildly. “Carmen! Why didn’t you tell me? And I’ve been roasting marshmallows and making s’mores while you’re going through this? I need to come home and see you.”

  “No, no,” Carmen says softly. “I want you to keep enjoying yourself. Things aren’t so great here, and it’s not the best environment for you to retrieve your memories. I’ll just drag you down. I’m a mess, Helen.”

  “What can I do to help?” I ask. “Anything at all.”

  “Actually, I called to ask you for advice. You see, my husband...” She trails off into silence and the line is quiet for several seconds.

  I swallow, preparing for the worst. “Please tell me everything, Carm. I’m capable of handling it, I promise. I’m stronger than ever.”

  “Okay. Well, the reason I lost my baby is probably because my husband just died.”

  “What?” I ask in shock.

  “Isn’t that interesting? Apparently, a horrible event like the death of someone close to you can cause you to miscarry or go into early labor, and basically fuck up your whole body.”

  “When did this happen? How? Oh god, Carm. I’m so sorry.”

  “He died the night that you crashed your car. You were the last person to see him alive.”

  “I was?” I ask, reaching up to rub my suddenly pounding head. “Oh—that’s why you were asking me about him at the hospital...” I sink down to sit at the bottom of the tree as I search my mind for information. I try to find the faces and the names. I try to find the sentences that were spoken to me, or the feelings that I might have felt. But everything is blank. “Carm, I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember even meeting your husband. I wish I could help you. Dammit! I need to remember.”

  I am growing more and more frustrated by the second. My head is hurting, my eyes are burning, and my ass is sore. I am just a mess. But I was managing to keep it together until this moment, and now it feels like the world is crashing down on me all over again.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “Why didn’t you tell me my sister’s husband was dead?” I ask him angrily. “What the fuck, Liam? Why the hell would you keep something like that from me?”

  Liam ignores my rampage as he places a bag containing ice-water over my eyes. “You think it was the sunlight that caused your vision to falter again?”

  “Forget my stupid eyes!” I say in frustration as I try to sit up in bed. Liam immediately pushes me back down.

  “You need to calm down, Helen.”

  “Calm down? Calm down!” I rip the ice pack from my eyes, even though it was actually giving me some relief. “Screw you, Fiancé—Boyfriend—no! None of that. Strike three! You’re out. I can’t do this anymore. You’ve been keeping some pretty serious shit from me, and it’s clear that you always will.”

  “I’m sorry that you couldn’t see the painting, love,” he says as he sits by my side, taking one of my hands into both of his. “I’ll try to schedule an operation for you in the near future so that we can get your vision back.”

  “I would rather die than spend any more time trapped in a disgusting hospital,” I tell him with a shudder, ripping my hand away. “No. I need you to just stay out of my life. I got along fine before I was able to see. I will manage perfectly well again.” Pulling the ruby ring off my finger, I place it in the palm of his hand. “I’ve given it some thought, Ex-Boyfriend. You and I aren’t going to work out.”

  “I’m sorry,” Liam whispers, putting the ring aside and moving to lie down next to me in the bed. He wraps an arm around my middle gently. “I’m sorry that Carmen lost her baby.”

  Tears gather in my sightless eyes. “I should have been there for her. Instead I’m frolicking in the countryside with boys and doing absolutely nothing. I’m wasting time being vain and jumping at the chance to let strange men paint me.”

  “It wasn’t vain, Helen. It was art. It was phenomenal, and you were so brave to help David create that image. It was almost as profound to see that painting as it is to read your writing.”

  I clamp my lips together tightly. I hate Liam’s ability to always say the perfect thing.

  “But it was more than just art,” Liam says softly. “You really helped that poor guy out by being his friend and ending his solitude. It really meant a lot to him, you know? I was worried at first when you told me about him, but he seems like a genuinely nice and talented fellow who’s just down on his luck. And you saw that. Didn’t you notice how his face lit up like a Christmas tree every time you insulted him?”

  A small smile touches my lips. “It’s stupid, but I do wish that I could have seen the painting.”

  “Do you trust me?” Liam asks softly.

  I turn my face into his chest and nod.

  “Good. I promise that someday soon, you will be able to see that painting. And all the thousands of paintings that you’ve never seen, in galleries all around the world. I promise you that your sister will get through this, because the b
est guy in the world is at her side, telling her jokes to cheer her up and making her feel loved. You only met Owen briefly, but he is the most caring, sensitive, and kind person I know. And I’m pretty sure he’s falling in love with your sister. He won’t let her be alone.”

  I find myself breathing a little easier after hearing this. “Thank you,” I whisper.

  Liam lowers his face to mine, and places a kiss against my nose. “Now, you’re going to let me take care of you. All of you. Your eyes, your heart, and your thick, stubborn head.” He reaches for the ice pack I discarded and gently places it over one of my eyes again. “If you want, I could try to perform the operation from home. It’s a pretty simple procedure—it’s only the medicine that’s costly, but we could always say that we were using a bit extra for ‘research.’ I could ask Owen to ship the materials to me on ice—maybe he could even drive over here and help out with the surgery. David has a steady hand, so I could always ask him to assist us with some simple tasks. The only problem is that we would have to use local anesthesia instead of...”

  “I don’t mind the pain,” I tell him softly. “That sounds like a really cool idea. I think I’d like to try the at-home operation, if it’s not too much trouble.”

  “I’ll start making arrangements,” Liam says.

  “But are you sure about my sister?” I ask him hoarsely. “Should I go home to be with her? It sounds like her whole life has gone to hell. I should be there.”

  Liam pauses briefly before responding. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to go racing back to New York just yet. I spoke to Owen earlier, and he said he’s trying to be with her as much as possible. He mentioned some other guy, Brad, who seems to be giving Carmen some trouble...”

  “Trouble,” I repeat with worry. Carmen always had a weakness for men and trouble. “Do you think she needs a female to lean on through all of this? Mom’s gone, and I’m the only family she has. Especially since she probably needs someone to talk to about the physical details of losing her baby...”

  “Helen, here’s a fun fact about Owen: he’s a gynecology genius. He knows pretty much everything to do with pregnancy complications, nutrition, vaginas, newborn care, breast milk...”

  “Oh, no,” I whisper with genuine concern for my sister’s health. “Please don’t tell me he learned it all from porn!”

  Liam chuckles softly. “No. He originally intended to specialize in that field, before his girlfriend made him switch. I guess I wanted him to switch too, so we could practice together. Trust me, there is nothing you could do to help Carmen that Owen couldn’t do ten times better.”

  “I guess that’s reassuring. But why are you so determined to keep me away from my family?” I ask him softly. “Dad probably needs me too.”

  “Going back there will be opening up a can of worms, Helen. More like snakes. So much has happened...” Liam trails off thoughtfully. “If we go back, I can promise you three things. First of all, you will be so overwhelmed by the drama that you will not be able to finish your book. You’ve always needed to get away from your family in order to write. Second of all, your father will put great effort into separating us, and since you don’t seem to like me that much right now, he’ll probably succeed. Third, you will probably recover glimpses of memories here and there, but you won’t be able to handle them. They’ll knock you down for months as you’re forced to cope with them all over again, and you’ll do the same things you did before. You’ll run away, and you’ll hurt your family. You won’t be there for them as much as you want to be, and it will ruin the whole point of going home.”

  I remove the ice pack from my eye so that I can try to stare at him in confusion. Unfortunately, I don’t see very much, other than a very faint outline. “Why are you saying all this, Liam?”

  “Because I have a theory that your memory loss is partly due to psychological trauma,” he explains. “I’m sorry that I haven’t told you this before, but it’s just the way I feel. I wanted to spend some time with you out here to help you recover from your physical injuries, but I was always more concerned about your emotional ones. I’m sorry if I haven’t been doing a great job of helping.”

  “Psychological trauma?” I muse. “Do you mean from watching Carmen’s husband die?”

  “For starters. But that’s definitely not the worst of it.”

  I ruminate over his words for a few minutes as I rest against him, enjoying his comfortable embrace. He really is quite intelligent, and it’s difficult to see flaws in his thinking. I run my hands over his arms slowly as I do some thinking of my own.

  “So what do you propose, Ex-Boyfriend?”

  “Before anything, I propose that you go back to calling me Fiancé,” he tells me firmly. His voice is serious and his tone is authoritative—I can imagine the hard-as-hell look in his hazel eyes. “Next, you need to write an incredibly fantastic book—the likes of which the world has never seen—while letting me put together a plan to permanently heal your vision. Throw in a couple relaxing days here and there of hanging out with me and kooky artist dude next door, and you have all the ingredients to a perfect recovery.”

  “Is this your professional advice?” I ask him teasingly.

  “Absolutely. It’s a foolproof prescription.”

  “Alright, then, Fiancé,” I say softly. “I’ll remove Strike Three and give you a chance to make good on all your promises and plans. And I’ll forgive you for lying and keeping things from me, because I think I can see that it’s because you’re genuinely trying to protect me.”

  Liam exhales slowly and pulls my body close to his, pressing his forehead against mine. “Can you really see that, Helen? Can you see how much you mean to me? I have massively fucked up our relationship in the past, and I am a massively fucked up person; but I swear that since the day I met you, everything I’ve done has been for you.”

  I place my hand against his cheek, and I’m startled to find tears there. I brush them away with my thumbs, shaking my head in disbelief. “Liam,” I whisper, lifting my chin to place a kiss against his lips. I don’t understand what he means about fucking up, and I don’t care. Whatever he’s done, he’s already made up for a thousand times over. Feeling him crying brings tears to my own eyes, and I feel like I could do anything to ease his pain. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” I tell him with a tearful smile, between soft kisses. “I am so happy, being out here with you. I think I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I just found out that my mother is gone, but having you close has helped me through the heartache. You stayed with me in the hospital and read my stories out loud to me; even the really violent and gory scenes that made the nurses want to vomit. You help my health, you encourage me in my career, and you don’t even get upset when I randomly get naked in front of our neighbor and let him paint my boobs.”

  “It was actually really, really hot to see you like that,” Liam says in a low voice. “If David wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have been able to control myself.”

  The tone of his voice sends a little shiver down my spine. I sigh and run my hands over his muscled back. “You’re the most handsome man I’ve ever seen,” I tell him. “You taught me judo to protect myself, and you bring the planets and the stars right down into my backyard so I can see them. How could I not fall in love with you and want to marry you? But it’s terrifying. I’m so afraid, Liam. This doesn’t happen. You don’t just wake up one day and find your perfect partner sitting there and being a gentleman, and behaving like a goddamn knight in shining armor. It just seems too good to be true, and I’m terrified of letting go and giving in to this. It can’t be real.”

  “Oh, it’s real,” Liam says quietly, lifting me and positioning me so that I’m lying on my back. He moves to lie on top of me and begins placing a trail of kisses down the curve of my neck. He stops just above my collarbone, and gently nibbles at the sensitive skin until I gasp. His hands move to the front of my blouse, and begin to undo my buttons. He touches my body like he already
owns me, and doesn’t need permission.

  I don’t mind, because I feel like he does.

  When Liam rips open my blouse, he stares down at my exposed skin for a moment, gazing as hungrily as a pirate captain who has stumbled upon treasure. I cannot perfectly see his expression, so this is what I imagine. Finally, he lowers his face to rain kisses over my breasts and stomach. He trails his fingers lightly over my skin, tantalizing and teasing my senses. His fingertips graze the sides of my bellybutton before traveling lower to caress between my thighs. I find myself twisting and writhing under his touch and wishing he would quickly remove the rest of my clothes.

  “Do you want me to show you just how real this is?” he asks me with a low growl.

  “Yes, please,” I beg.

  Chapter Twenty

  Dr. Liam Larson

  Rolling up my sleeves, I look around at our set-up with anxiety and excitement. There are a lot of reasons that you shouldn't perform surgery on your girlfriend at home, but I have a strangely good feeling about this.

  "So let me see if I understand this right," Owen asks as he prepares our workspace. "Helen mainly wants to get her vision back so she can see a nude painting of herself that some amateur artist neighbor did?"

  "I'm not an amateur," David says defensively. "The painting is a masterpiece."

  "It actually is pretty good," I agree. Seriously. It's really good. If I were a teenage boy, I'd have wet dreams about the woman in that painting. But I'm not, so I can just make love to my beautiful wood nymph all night instead. I was trying my best to be gentle with Helen and take it slow, but since that day when I saw her posing in the shade of that tree, I have been unable to keep my hands off her.

  She was a vision. The least I could do is try to repair hers.

  "I think it's some of my best work," David says. "I've been dying to paint Helen again. She's such an expressive model, and she just comes to life on the canvas."

  "Agh!" Helen groans in frustration. "Do you see what I have to deal with, Owen? They've been taunting me with descriptions of how awesome this painting is, when they know it's driving me crazy that I can't see it. They're sadists."