Awakening

by Catrina Burgess

  I turned my head toward the light. Was this part of the binding spell? In the light, I could see shadows, shapes, human forms. It was if they were standing in the doorway of a strongly lit room. There was a woman--I could feel her presence. I could feel a sorrow--a longing for something lost radiating out from her. And then I heard the voices. There was no more screeching, no more sounds of pain, these new sounds were words of comfort and love. It was Thomas’s family. They were standing in the light, beckoning for Thomas to come and join them. The woman was his mother--she was desperate for him to come to her. Thomas was still there in the room--his spirit was only a few feet from me, flickering in and out. He was facing me, and I realized he didn’t seem to see the light. He wasn’t reacting to the pleas of his family--instead he focused only on me.

  I thought of my mother, her spirit roaming the world forever in unrest. A sudden desire filled me--I wanted more than anything for Thomas to move toward the light. I wanted this little boy, who died so suddenly and tragically, to be reunited with his family. I wanted to call out to him, to somehow comfort him. The healer inside me, it was still there, that part of me, was still alive in a small corner of my being. The awakening had pushed it aside, and I had changed. I wasn’t the girl I use to be, but deep inside a part of me wanted so desperately to help instead of harm.

  I looked again at the light, and as I did it swirled out toward me, it circled me, and without thinking of what I was doing, I raised my hands and pushed it toward Thomas. He turned toward it. He could see it. His expression changed, and his arms raised. He could hear the voices of his family--he could hear them calling to him. The light engulfed him and then flared up, glowing so brightly that I raised a hand to shield my eyes. I could hear cries of joy, a feeling of love and contentment filled the room. I had reunited him with his loved ones.

  I turned and looked over at Luke.

  Luke’s expression was one of shock. “What just happened?” He turned his head back and forth taking in the room. “I don’t understand. You did the spell to bind him. Thomas should be bound to you.”

  “He’s not here.” I watched the light slowly fade away. Thomas was finally back in the arms of his family.

  Luke frowned. “I don’t understand.”

  My eyes met Luke’s. “His family was calling to him.” I wasn’t sure how to explain to Luke what had just happened.

  Luke was silent for few minutes and then he said, “You set him free? You sent him into the light?” An odd expression crossed his face. “But no one can do that. No one can set a spirit free unless the spirit is willing to go.”

  “Thomas wanted to go.”

  “For over a century, Thomas had been stuck here. His spirit was unable to move on, I know because Pagan and I tried to help him years ago.”

  I gestured toward the other side of the room. “But he went into the light.”

  “You somehow forced him into the light,” Luke said in a low voice.

  “But that’s a good thing, right.” I couldn’t understand why Luke looked so upset. “All spirits want to go to the light.”

  “They do, but when they can’t, no outside force can help them cross over. What you just did, it’s never been done before. I’ve never heard of anyone doing something like that before.”

  “But in the books, someone must have. Somewhere in there…” My voice faltered. “Someone in the past must have been able to do what I just did.”

  A look of uneasiness had filled his eyes. "Not in any of the books I’ve read. Not in any of the spells I’ve heard or been taught.”

  I waited for him to continue, but he turned away from me and started clearing off the bowls, candles and Ouija board. I was doing things no one else could? What did it mean? It meant that I did have power, of a sort, I could raise the dead, and now it seemed I could also set them free.

  * * * *

  Pagan’s room was the one place out of the whole house that had seen the least of the damage. Someone had torn down all the sheer white material hanging around the bed, and pulled the drawers out of the side tables and dresser, strewing clothes across the room. I had spent some time folding and putting them away, but I still wasn’t tired. I wasn’t actually anything. Thomas had moved on. He’d crossed over and was with his family. I should have felt joy, but I didn’t. No fear, no joy, no emotions. What was wrong with me?

  Luke knocked on the open door. He held a blanket in his hand. “I thought you could use this.”

  We were both dressed in black sweats, but he, as usual, was not sporting a top. Didn’t he get cold when he slept? I couldn’t help myself my eyes traveled down his chest and across his cut stomach. “Thanks.”

  He stepped closer. “Are you okay?”

  I wondered what Luke thought of me. Did he consider me some freak? The spell he’d asked me to do should have bound Thomas to me as a banshee, and instead Thomas had gone into the light. I had never liked the idea of banshees, of spirit slaves. I should have been happy I had set Thomas free, but inside I still felt nothing. I wanted to feel something, feel anything. This emptiness seemed to permeate my entire being. What had happened to my emotions?

  After the second ritual, I had felt different. Anger had seemed to fuel my blood, but somehow the third ritual had washed that all away. Had it washed away something I couldn’t afford to lose? Was this unfeeling creature who could raise the dead all that remained?

  My eyes met Luke’s. “I can’t feel anything.”

  Luke took a step and then another until he was only inches from me. His hand reached out and caressed my cheek, his fingers slid down my neck. He looked at me as if asking a question, but before I could answer, he pulled me gently toward him. His lips pressed against mine. Heat spread across my body at his touch.

  He pulled away. “Did you feel that?”

  My blood was on fire again, but this time not from anger. “Yes,” I whispered.

  The blanket he held dropped to the floor, and he pulled me against him. We kissed as he took a step back, pulling me with him. He lowered me slowly onto the bed, our bodies moving together as we gently fell against the thick white covers. We lay there together, his lips still on mine. His hand slid down the length of me. His fingers were in my hair, then running down my back. The kiss stretched on and on, and I no longer felt numb. Instead, emotions I couldn’t control were now swirling through me. I felt overheated, feverish.

  Luke’s fingers ran across my leg and then reached under my shirt and slid against my naked stomach. If we kept this up, if we continued to lie here together… The thought forced me upright. A blush crept across my cheeks.

  I suddenly felt terribly awkward. “I’ve never…”

  Luke sat up next to me and said in a low voice. “It’s all right, I’m not expecting anything from you.”

  I had never done anything like this before. I had stolen a few kisses here and there, had male hands grope me in the dark when I started dating, but I had always put a stop to things before they had gone too far. I had never felt serious enough about a boy to consider having sex with him.

  “Have you ever…” I was suddenly too embarrassed to get the rest of the question out.

  “Yes.”

  At his answer, I felt a wave of jealousy crash over me. I had wanted to stop feeling empty, and I was getting my wish, wild emotions were pushing and pulling through me. I wanted to demand to know who and when? But instead I took a deep breath and pushed the hair out of my eyes. I didn’t have the right to ask. Did I? What were we to each other? We’d just met a few days ago. This crazy chaos had drawn us to each other, but were the feelings we had for each other real? And what were those feelings? I know I felt something deep for him, something I had never shared with anyone else, but so much had happened in such a short time. Were these feelings swirling inside me for Luke real? Or were they just emotions amplified by the danger we constantly found ourselves in? When this was all over, would there even be an us?

  His fingers slid down my bare arm. “I just wa
nted to prove to you that you could still feel.”

  “What am I?” I whispered.

  “What do you mean?” He pulled my hand into his.

  I pulled my hand out of his and turned and faced him. “I’m a monster. An abomination.”

  He took my chin in his hands. “Don’t say that, it’s not true.”

  “What have I become?” I’d torn the life from a young girl. I’d touched two corpses and they sprung to life. What was I?

  “You’ve done whatever you had to in order to survive.” He leaned in and kissed me again.

  I was tired of thinking. I wanted to just feel again. I answered his kiss, and I let my body fall against his. A sigh of pleasure escaped my mouth as his fingers brushed across the skin on the back of my neck.

  We were here together. I didn’t care about tomorrow. Now, right now, being in his arms was enough.

  * * * *

  I woke to light streaming in the window. Luke lay beside me on the bed, the blanket wrapped around his chest. We hadn’t had sex last night. I had wanted to, but a part of me was afraid. I was falling for him, and I knew deep down I was falling hard, but I didn’t think I was emotionally ready for what he wanted from me. We didn’t do the final act, but we did other things, things that brought a blush to my cheeks as I watched him sleeping.

  I sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at him. The urge to run my fingers over his back was so strong that I pushed myself off the bed and walked over to the window. This guy was making me feel things I had never felt before. My body had trembled under his touch. The passion I shared with him last night both thrilled and terrified me.

  I looked at him laying there, the sheets tangled around his legs. He looked so innocent in his sleep, and I wondered, did I really know him? Who was this guy who’d stepped into my life just a few days ago? How had he suddenly become so important to me? I had so many questions racing through my head, but answers, they would only come with time. That last thought stopped me cold. Did I want to stay around and find out what kind of relationship we could build together?

  I had lost so much, I didn’t know if I could allow myself to care for someone again. If I opened up my heart too wide there was too much at stake. I could lose Luke. I could lose myself.

  A part of me wanted, more than anything, to go back to bed, to lay my body down next to his, to feel his skin against mine, and to have his lips kiss me again. I wanted to love him, and as those words echoed through my mind I froze. I couldn’t love him. I hardly knew him. Circumstances had thrown us together. The heightened emotions that were constantly swirling around us were to blame, but even as the thought crossed my mind I knew it wasn’t true. I was falling and falling hard for this guy. And I just hoped when I finally hit the ground I didn’t shatter into a million pieces.

  Luke’s eyes opened. He gave me a wide smile. “Good morning.”

  I was having a hard time meeting his eyes. “Morning,” I answered before I turned away and looked out the window.

  “What time is it?” He sat up and ran his hand through his hair.

  “A little after nine.”

  He came up next to me and wrapped his arms around me. “Do we have anything to eat for breakfast? Anything besides chili and corn?”

  I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against his shoulder. “I’m afraid the cupboards are bare.”

  “We can get dressed and go out to the market. Maybe even stop someplace for breakfast,” he whispered in my ear.

  “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  His hand reached up and brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “If they were after us, they would have found us by now.”

  “You don’t think they’re looking for us?” Why would they stop? They had cornered us at the magic shop, they had tracked us down here, and they had chased us into the night and across open fields. They had seemed pretty determined up until now to capture us. It didn’t make sense they would just stop chasing us.

  Luke spun me around, his face inches from mine. “I have no idea what they’re up to. I just know that last night they left us alone, and for that I’m grateful.” He kissed me.

  I kissed him back for a long moment, enjoying the feel of his lips against mine. Then I moved back. I needed to keep my head when he was around.

  He looked puzzled for a moment, but then he smiled. “I call first dibs on the shower. I know the cupboards are bare, but please tell me there’s some coffee left somewhere in the house.”

  I couldn’t help it, I felt myself grinning. “I’ll go check if you promise not to use all the hot water.”

  * * * *

  We went to the market and bought enough groceries to last us a couple of days. I looked down at the bag full of food sitting on the counter and wondered if we would make it back after tonight’s excursion. Did Luke purposely buy more food than we needed as a way of proclaiming to the universe that we would return? Would we be sitting down to a spaghetti and meatball dinner tomorrow night? I hoped so.

  I put the groceries away and walked into the living room. Luke was building another fire. There was a cup of coffee and a plate with a muffin on it sitting on the floor by the couch. Both were mine. We hadn’t stopped for breakfast--instead we’d hit the local coffee shop on the way back to Pagan’s.

  I sat down on the floor and took a sip of coffee. I asked the question that had been uppermost on my mind all morning. “Do we have a game plan for storming the mansion and saving Darla?”

  He stuffed some shredded paper between the five logs stacked in the fire place. “Nothing concrete. I figure we go and case the place and see if an opportunity arises.”

  “So we are totally winging it?” I couldn’t help it, my voice sounded annoyed.

  “I don’t see what choice we have. We don’t honestly know what’s going on up there. We don’t know how many men we’ll be facing. Do you have a better suggestion?”

  Luke’s plan sounded like insanity to me, but I honestly didn’t have a better idea.

  Luke lit the fire and then came and sat down next to me. “I want you to stay with me after this is all over.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was worried about surviving the night, and he was talking about a future we might never see. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

  He looked at me. “I’m not.”

  I turned my face away. “I can’t…I can’t stay with you.” I forced the words out. “What would I do? I’m not a healer anymore.”

  His fingers reached up and touched my cheek. “You can be part of our guild.”

  At his answer a harsh laugh came out, I looked over at him, could he be serious? “My clan will never accept me back. Not as I am now. And you think your family, your guild will welcome me with open arms after they find out what I can do?”

  He reached out and grabbed my hand. “Everything you did and went through was to avenge your family.”

  I pulled my hand away and got to my feet. “Revenge isn’t a good enough motive. The dark powers…” I turned away suddenly not able to meet his eyes. “Most of the population considers death dealers toxic.”

  He got to his feet and came and stood in front of me. “And now you’re one of us.”

  “I’m not.” I shook my head slowly back and forth. “I’m not one of you. You’ve seen what I can do. You don’t know what the magic is that I’m doing or how I’m doing it. You don’t know what I’ve turned into. I don’t know what I am anymore.”

  He reached out and grabbed my arm. “You’re someone I care about. Someone who I want by my side.”

  I pulled my arm away. “You say that now, but in a few months, in a year, how will you feel then?”

  His voice was angry now. “The same.”

  I spun around and confronted him. “You don’t know that. You can’t say that for sure.”

  The anger faded, and his expression turned serious. “I know how I feel about you. I know I’ve fallen in love with you.”

  I took a step back as if
he’d struck me. “Don’t say that!”

  “I know you have feelings for me.”

  I took another step back. “I don’t know what I feel.”

  His anger was back, blazing from his eyes. “When this is all over, you can’t just run away from this, from us.”

  I couldn’t stop myself from saying the words. “There’s no us.”

  “There can be if you have the courage to face your feelings.”

  I felt cold, and I wrapped my arms around my body. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  His voice turned low and persuasive. “I know you lost your family. I know you’re still grieving for them, but you can’t throw what is between us away because you’re scared.”

  “I’m not scared. I’m realistic. I don’t belong in your world.”

  He reached out his arms toward me. “You do, you can make a place for yourself with my people.”

  I didn’t move. “I can’t go around helping the sick die. I can’t spend my days roping in spirits so their living relatives can have a conversation with them. I can’t live this life of yours.”

  Luke’s arms dropped by his side. “So what then? What’ll you do?”

  “I don’t know,” I whispered.

  “Where will you go?”

  I shook my head. “I’m not sure.”

  His exasperation showed on his face. “Look, this is crazy. I’m not going to let you walk out the door when all of this is over. I’m in love with you whether you want to hear it or not. And I know you love me.”

  “Stop saying that!”

  “I won’t let you go!”

  I laughed suddenly, but even to my own ears it sounded hollow and forced. “You plan to force me to stay with you?”

  His voice was low. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

  Neither one of us said anything for a few moments, we just stood there staring at each other. I finally broke the silence. “You don’t want me. You don’t have feelings for me. You can’t…”

  “Don’t tell me how I feel.” He was angry again.