The Bridesmaid Wore Sneakers

by Cynthia Thomason

  Jude fluffed Wesley’s pillow. “I like lots of people, sweetie. I like Liam. But love is a different thing. Many people only love one person enough to get married once in their lives.”

  “So we’ll never have a daddy in our family?”

  She felt tears well again for the second time that day. She had long expected this question and should have prepared for it. She laid her palm on Wesley’s chest. “I don’t know, Wes, but you have Grandpa...and if your daddy hadn’t died, you would have had a wonderful father. I don’t want you to forget that, ever. Just like I don’t want you to forget that I love you very much.”

  She leaned over and kissed his forehead. “Now get to sleep.”

  His eyelids fluttered. It had been a busy day for all of them. “Okay.”

  Jude turned off his bedside lamp and switched on the cowboy night-light by his closet. Maybe she should think about changing his room decorations from cowboy stuff to astronomy things. As she left his room, she thought about his request to give Liam a bigger place in their lives. How easy to be a child and come up with perfect solutions to problems. How difficult to be a parent and have to tell the child that perfect solutions don’t exist often in the real world. That the kind of love she’d felt for Paul only happened once in a lifetime.

  Parents often disappoint their children without wanting to. Children often disappoint their parents. It’s all part of a family cycle, which helps people grow and teaches patience and tolerance. Jude had learned that lesson years ago.

  Eight years earlier

  “WHAT DO YOU mean you’re dropping out of school?” her father asked. Jude had requested that she and her parents meet in the living room to discuss an important matter.

  She started by being logical. “You know I’m not the student in the family. That would be Alexis. She makes you proud every day.”

  Maggie leaned forward. “You make us proud, too, Jude. Don’t ever think otherwise.”

  “Yeah, I know. I can ride and rope and train even the most stubborn animals, but I’m not a scholar. I never will be one. I’m miserable taking those hygiene classes.”

  “But you need a skill beyond your roping and riding abilities,” Martin said. “How will you support yourself in life?”

  She took a deep breath. “That’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

  They waited, expectant looks on their faces.

  “You know I’ve been dating Paul O’Leary,” she said.

  “Of course,” Maggie said. “He’s a nice boy.”

  Jude nodded. “I suppose I might as well come out and say it. Mom, Daddy... I love Paul. From the first day I met him, I felt we were born to be together.”

  “How can you know that so soon?” Martin asked. “You’ve only dated him a few weeks.”

  Jude smiled. “You said you knew you loved Mom after only a few dates.”

  “That’s different...” Maggie covered his hand with hers. He calmed.

  “Paul and I want to get married,” Jude said. “As soon as possible. We want to start our lives together.”

  Martin stared at a spot over her shoulder. Maggie leaned forward. “Oh, honey, what’s the rush?” Her eyes widened. “You’re not...”

  “Pregnant? No, Mom, I’m not pregnant.” Her parents had already coped with that problem with their eldest daughter. Jude always used protection. “Paul and I want children, but not now, not for a while.”

  A stillness settled over the room as if no one knew quite how to respond. Finally Maggie said, “How soon, Jude? Have you discussed a date?”

  “Two weeks from Saturday,” Jude said. “Paul and I have visited Pastor Windham, and he can perform the ceremony that day.”

  “Two weeks?” Maggie’s eyes misted. “But that doesn’t give us enough time. There’s so much to do...”

  “We don’t want a big wedding, Mom. Just our two families. You’ll really like the O’Learys. We’ll all meet at the church. It will be simple. If you want to have a brunch afterward here at the house, something small, that would be fine.”

  Maggie blinked. “I had so hoped for big weddings for you girls,” she said. “Alex married Teddy in a rush. Now you’re telling me you don’t want all the fuss...”

  Jude smiled. “Mom, you’ve known for years that I’m not the fussy type. This really isn’t a surprise.”

  “Well, it’s a surprise to me!” Martin barked. “This whole thing—you’re in love, you’re getting married. It’s all a surprise.”

  “I love him, Daddy. I know he’s the man for me.”

  “Where will you live?” Maggie asked. “Will you move in with the O’Learys? With us? How can you and Paul afford a house?”

  Jude carefully managed her words. “We thought, we hoped, that maybe we could fix up the apartment over the barn. We don’t have a live-in groom anymore. There’s only my horse. And I can take care of her. It won’t cost you anything. Paul and I will do all the work.”

  Maggie looked at her husband, who was still trying to process all this information. “It’s not what I envisioned for you, sweetheart,” Maggie said. “But if you’re determined... If this is what you really want.”

  “It is, Mom.”

  “You’ll at least get a new dress for the ceremony?”

  Jude laughed. “Yes, I’ll get a new dress.”

  Maggie rose from the sofa and came over to give her daughter a hug. “I suppose it’s time we met the O’Learys,” she said.

  Jude walked away from the window where she’d been thinking about that night. Yes, children disappointed their parents. It seemed to be a natural evolutionary event when a child reached for independence. And last week, her father had disappointed her when he hired Liam to “help” her. But people get over these incidents. They have to because nothing is more important than family. When she realized the tears had started again, Jude went into the kitchen to get a paper towel to wipe her eyes.

  Nothing more important than family. Then why did she still carry such ungenerous thoughts about Paul in her heart?

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  AFTER WESLEY WAS ASLEEP, Jude attempted to do what she’d promised Liam. She began to “think about” accepting his date for Wednesday night. But as soon as she envisioned just the two of them together, eating dinner, driving, perhaps taking a walk in the moonlight, a panic encompassed her.

  She wasn’t actually frightened at having a date. While she wasn’t certain that Liam would handle her foundation the way she desired, she did trust him to be a gentleman. He would be considerate of her feelings, allow her to set a pace that would be comfortable. No one would say that Liam wasn’t a considerate, respectful companion. She could have one little date and then decide if she wanted to see him again.

  A good plan, but what frightened Jude was the possible results of one date. She already liked Liam. She appreciated what he did for Wesley and the qualities that would eventually make him a good father—for some lucky kid.

  So what was the problem? Well, if she enjoyed the date, if she accepted another and another, she would eventually have to reveal the most personal aspects of her life—the emotions of loss and guilt that still haunted her. With Jude, everything came down to the issue of trust. Where relationships were concerned, trust was not something that could be applied in half measure. You either trusted the person you were letting into the most intimate aspects of your life, or you didn’t let him in. There was no leaving the door half open.

  The question was, could she let Liam into her life? Could she admit the failings that kept her from leading a fulfilling existence?

  Trust meant different things to different people. Jude trusted Nick at the feed store to sell her the correct mixtures of grain and oats. But would she trust him to take Wesley on an overnight camping trip? Certainly not. Would she trust Liam? Without a doubt. Jud
e thought about the times in her life she’d trusted the wrong people, and the results had been devastating.

  And then she’d met Paul, the most honorable man she’d ever known with the exception of her father. And when he didn’t consider her feelings about leaving her to serve in the army, and her with an infant, the result had been more than simply devastating. She felt she’d lost everything.

  Carrie would tell her to take a risk, give this dating thing a try. Risks were fine for Carrie. She took them almost daily. But maybe it was time for Jude to take a note from her sister’s playbook. Sitting on the sofa, Jude glanced over at the picture of her and Paul. He was so handsome in his uniform. She was smiling, though now that she recalled her feelings when the photo had been taken, she knew the smile had been false because she’d been sitting next to a man who would soon leave her. What she had truly felt was fear and betrayal because the man she loved had chosen to volunteer, to put distance between them.

  Seven years earlier

  PAUL ARRIVED HOME, hung his coat on the hook by the door and crossed to the kitchen where she was making dinner. Placing his hand on her rounded belly, he said, “How’s my little mama tonight?”

  She laughed as he nuzzled her neck. “You stink,” she said. “How many cow patties did you step in today?”

  “Only a few. I’ll leave my boots outside and take a shower.”

  Later, when they’d eaten, Paul asked her to sit beside him on the sofa. His face was serious, his mannerisms guarded. “I need to talk to you, Judie,” he said.

  She sat next to him, their thighs touching, her hand over his. “What’s up?”

  “I made a decision today, and it concerns you almost as much as it does me.”

  She experienced the first tingle of panic across her shoulders. Paul had never approached a subject with such a dire tone in his voice. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

  “Nothing’s wrong,” he said. “I went to the recruitment office today. Now stay calm, honey. I’ve decided to enlist in the full-time army.”

  Her heart pounded. Her brain buzzed with alarm. She must not have heard him correctly. He’d been in the National Guard for two years, but he’d never mentioned wanting to join the regular army. In fact, they’d always been grateful that his unit hadn’t been called up.

  She sat a moment, her hand over her belly as if protecting her unborn child. “No,” she finally said.

  “I know this isn’t what you want to hear, Jude, but it’s what I want to do, what I feel I have to do.”

  “Why, Paul? I don’t understand. You have a good heart, but you can’t save the world, you know?”

  He shook his head. “It’s not that, although there is some truth in what you said. There are many reasons why this is a good idea.”

  She tried to draw in slow breaths to ease the burning in her throat. “We have plans, Paul. We fixed up this apartment, we have a baby coming...”

  “I’ll still be here in two months when the baby is born,” he said. “It’s a provision I made with the enlistment officer.”

  “But you can’t leave us then. We’ll have another mouth to feed. What will I do? How will we get by?”

  “You’ll stay right here, close to your family. Or move back into the big house, whatever you like. And as for money, I’ll make more in the army, considering health benefits and other perks, than I’m making at the farm.” He looked sad but resolute when he added, “The farm just isn’t cutting it, Jude. My brother just had a baby. We have one on the way. The farm can’t support three families anymore.”

  “Then you’ll get another job!” Her voice rose with her anger and resentment.

  “Where, Jude? What kind of job? I’m not college educated. I’ve been a farmer all my life. That and my National Guard training is all I know.”

  “My dad will hire you. He needs someone to manage his property.” She’d known when she said it that Paul would never agree to what he would view as Foster charity.

  “No, he doesn’t,” Paul said. “He has a gardener, a groundskeeper and a housekeeper. He doesn’t need a manager.”

  “Well, I need a husband! What about that? What about our vows when we promised to be together until death parts us?” Her voice broke when she said the last words. “You could die, Paul. Because of your experience in the Guard, they’ll probably send you overseas to a war zone.”

  “They might,” he said, breaking her heart. “But I’m well trained, Jude.”

  He picked up her hand. “I won’t get killed, Jude. The number of casualties are minor compared to the number of soldiers on active duty. The statistics are heavily weighted on my side. I’ll be fine.”

  “Paul, I trust you more than anyone I’ve ever known. I can’t believe you’re doing this, risking everything we have.”

  “Your trust means everything to me, honey,” he said. “So I’m asking you one more time. Trust me on this. I’ll email you every day. We’ll talk often.” He stared at her tear-streaked face, and ran his thumb down her cheek. “I’ll be back all in one piece, with all my parts working. I won’t take any unnecessary risks. I’m not a hero, Jude. I just want to do my part, provide for my family. I’ve thought about this for a long time. Trust me, baby. I’ll come home to you.”

  After that night, their marriage changed. For the first time in their life together, Jude did not understand her husband. Why would he give up everything they had to volunteer—volunteer!—to put his life in jeopardy.

  Jude didn’t believe that his decision was about the money. Her husband could have brought home a paycheck many ways. Perhaps it was wanderlust, a desire to get away from Bees Creek and see the world. He’d never been anywhere farther away than Canada for a fishing trip. Maybe it was the challenge of facing down an enemy. Or maybe it was a sense of honor, like he said, for Paul had always been an honorable man. At least Jude had believed that. Once he made a decision that seemed to exclude his family, once he’d chosen to leave her, she wasn’t sure what honor was any more.

  Meanwhile, Paul kept working at the farm, waiting for the birth of their baby. But now their nights were quiet as though Jude and the man she adored couldn’t find any common ground to support a conversation. The relationship was strained, though the love somehow persisted.

  After two months, their son, Wesley Martin O’Leary, was born. Paul was a wonderful, caring father for the month he knew his son. And he was a helpful, understanding husband as far as his wife’s new role as mother was concerned.

  He continued to promise that he would come home. “I have no desire to be the bravest guy out there,” he told her over and over. “You have to trust me, Jude. Once you start getting those paychecks, once you start reading daily emails proving that I’m fine, you’ll see that this was the right decision for us. I can build a future for my family in the army.”

  * * *

  AND THE EMAILS CAME. For five months after Paul left for Afghanistan, he religiously wrote Jude. Until the day an email didn’t come. Jude worried through an entire night until the next morning when her father came to the apartment and told her she had a visitor at the house, a chaplain of the US Army.

  She knew, of course. There was no other explanation for a chaplain to visit. As she rode with her father and her young son to the house, her body trembled, her head ached until she thought it might explode. She was consumed with anger and shock. She wanted to scream at Paul, as she should have when he made that decision. She wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him, and then to wrap her arms around him and hold on.

  Her mother met her at the door as she came in, took the baby and embraced her with tears on her face. And the words Maggie had often said came back to haunt Jude. “You are too trusting, sweetheart. You need to think about what people tell you. You must learn to rely on yourself.”

  Those words came true that day. From the moment she
heard the chaplain pronounce the end of the life she’d always hoped for, Jude learned to rely on herself. Part of her never forgave Paul. All of her grieved for him. Paul had died a hero, saving two fellow soldiers who had been riding in a truck with him when their convoy was hit by an IED.

  Jude accepted her neighbors’ condolences and even an award recognizing Paul’s bravery. She stared at the medal, trying to imagine the act that took her husband. Could he have saved himself if he hadn’t risked his life for two other men? Sadly, as the days passed, Jude became consumed by a guilt so profound it nearly crippled her. She resented the act of a hero.

  In the end, she had a medal, an infant son and bitter feelings that she believed would never go away. During one of her darkest days, the idea of the Paul O’Leary Foundation was born, and perhaps the birth of the foundation saved her. She suddenly had an outlet for her grief and her guilt. She would honor the hero, though she never quite forgave the man.

  But Liam was different. He was solid, reasonable, a man who valued his job and his family. Would he feel the need to leave everything behind and cross an ocean for a principle? Some men would, honorable men like Paul perhaps, but there were different types of honor. Liam didn’t take risks. If he gave his word, he kept it. Though it was late, Jude called Liam’s number.

  “Hello, Jude. Is everything okay?”

  “Yes. I just called to tell you I would like to go out with you Wednesday night.”

  “Great. I’m so glad. I’ll pick you up at seven.”

  She had just taken a cue from Carrie. Accepting a date with Liam was a small risk, but Jude felt empowered. And perhaps just a little ready to trust again.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  ON WEDNESDAY MORNING, once she’d finished her on-air time at WOIH, Jude called her sister to tell her about the date.

  “I think you should get your hair cut,” Carrie had said almost immediately.

  “What?” Jude had never considered altering her appearance. “I haven’t had my hair cut in five years.”