Brynn still couldn’t believe that she was pregnant. After all this time, she was finally ready to be a mother. Adam was ready to be a parent much sooner than she was, but now she was at peace with her past. And with everything they had been through together—the separation, the distance between them—they were repairing their marriage and their lives. With Rose gone for over a year, Brynn now had faith that she was capable of being a good mother.
She was done being afraid.
Adam said he was never going to leave again, and Brynn somehow believed that it was true. She was finally learning to open up and embrace life with him, and there was a connection between them that was stronger than ever before. She knew that he felt it every time she looked at him, and she could tell that he was happy. They were finally on common ground, and for the first time, she felt as if she were contributing to their relationship as much as he had since they were fifteen years old.
But now, her whole world felt as if it were crashing in, and there was no way to stop it. The baby isn’t moving, oh God! The baby isn’t moving!
She looked around and saw a plastic box by her side.
She pushed the red nurses call button frantically, terrified to be alone, and desperate for answers. I need Adam! I need someone!
“Yes, may I help you?” a distant voice came from nowhere, a subtle clicking sound accompanying it.
“Yes, I need my husband. Where is he? How is my baby?” Brynn said in one breath, talking to the air. She was lost. She needed Adam.
“We’ll be right there,” the voice said.
“Okay,” she said weakly, to no one. She hated to be alone. What happened?
The moment came flooding back to her, almost overtaking her. Brynn remembered, and then her heart started to race. The woman! That woman who was at my front door… the woman who called me Eva!
The woman looked so much like Brynn—small, petite, with dark, pretty features, and big brown eyes that seemed too big for her face. She could have been Brynn’s sister, only she wasn’t. The woman said she was Brynn’s Momma.
Brynn hadn’t even gotten her name.
Could it really be my Mother? Why would she come into my life now, when I’m finally happy, when I have finally found some peace? Why would she bother to show up now when my life with Adam is starting to be really nice? Brynn’s head was swimming with questions. How did my Mother even find me?
It didn’t make sense. And then Brynn realized that the woman must have found her because years earlier, Brynn had put her name in with the adoption agency. She always thought that she wanted to connect with her parents someday, but now that the day had come, she wasn’t as sure.
But why wouldn’t someone have called her to give her some warning? How did this woman just show up at her door? It was the moment that Brynn had always dreamt about, her Mother coming to find her.
She thought back to when she was a little girl, kneeling beside her bed, earnestly folding her hands to pray. Dear God, please help my real Mommy to find me and take me and my Momma away from Daddy so he can’t hurt me anymore.” Brynn thought that her real Mommy would rescue her from Thomas’ fist and feet, and protect her from his rage. Tiny brown-eyed Brynn, with her long hair and high-pitched little girl voice, prayed night after night to be saved.
Thomas blamed her for stealing all of Rose’s love so that there was nothing left for him. Young Brynn would pray desperately that her birth Mommy would take her away. But she never came. So why now? Why did she show up now? It didn’t make sense.
Brynn thought about the woman’s face, even though she had only seen it for a fraction of a second. Brynn could tell that she had been beautiful at one time, but the beauty looked like it had slowly been erased. The woman looked like the shadow of someone else, someone that Brynn didn’t know.
The nurse was taking so long, and Brynn was worried about the baby. She saw that she had a strap, with what looked like a monitor of some sort, around her belly. And the machine that the strap was connected to had a nice steady green line on it that ran across the screen at a consistent pace, making the same up and down lines every time it went across. Brynn watched the monitor for a while, and that made her feel better. It was the same type of monitor she use to stare at as she sat by Rose’s bedside for hours.
Brynn heard a noise, and turned from the monitor to see Adam racing into the room. His thick brown hair was disheveled, and his beautiful blue eyes the color of the sea, wide with distress. “Brynn, you’re awake!” he said, his voice full of concern. Brynn never tired of hearing him talk. She loved his voice and everything about him. To think that she nearly lost him forever still gravely chilled her. Living life without him in it for those long months was the worst time of her life. Even thinking about it made her want to cry, so she pushed the memory from her mind. She knew that if she thought about it, she would remain in a dark mood for the rest of the day. And there were too many other things to contend with right now.
Brynn couldn’t blame Adam for leaving. She had inexplicably withdrawn her love, leaving him alone even after he had always taken care of her. She hadn’t left him with much of a choice.
“You’ve abandoned me, Brynn!” Adam would say to her time and again in total frustration. “You won’t even discuss having a family with me! You just wallow! If I had known this is who you would become when I married you…” Adam never finished the sentence, but Brynn knew that he would never have married her in the first place.
They fell in love at fifteen and Adam was the only person to teach Brynn how to live, to laugh, and to smile. Even though Adam knew she had endured more than any one person should have ever had to, he wanted Brynn to want to be happy, with him. And as much as he loved her, he needed her to love him, too.
Adam needed her to let him love her, but Brynn refused, and so he left.
Those months without him were hell.
Now Brynn knew what life was without him, and she was never going to lose him again. Adam returned with love finally winning out over the anger and confusion.
Brynn sometimes wondered whether he would have come back if Rose hadn’t died. She knew it didn’t matter, because her adopted mother did die, and Adam did come back, and she chastised herself for trying to over think it.
But it wasn’t an easy road for either of them, and they had worked through much in the past year and a half since he moved home.
“I’m never leaving you again Brynn,” Adam would say to her repeatedly. “I’ll never hurt you again.”
“I want to believe you, Adam.” Brynn was stubborn and her heart had a hard time letting go of the fear. “I want to, but I just don’t.” Adam would try to hold her, and Brynn would stiffen up, pushing him away with her fear.
“Stop pushing me away. You don’t have to push me away anymore.” Adam won out, and he held her close, feeling her heart beating in her chest from the anxiety. “I’ll never abandon you.”
Brynn always felt herself give into the deep, low tone of his voice that she loved so much. She allowed herself to be enveloped in his strong, sturdy arms, but a tiny part of her still wanted to shrink away. She wondered if she would ever stop fighting the happiness he gave her.
She had experienced so much loss in life that she had come to expect it. First, her birth parents abandoning her. Then Stacy, her childhood friend who had been killed by her husband’s lover. Then Rose. And now Adam. Brynn finally decided that she would give herself permission to accept Adam’s love, no matter how long she was able to have it.
When she gave in, there was finally peace.
And now they were having a baby together. Brynn was five months along, and her belly was nice and round. When Brynn looked at her belly, naked in the mirror, she saw the scars from years of cutting stretched out wide. Some were still painfully visible while others were beginning to fade, but they all still served as a horrific reminder of her painful childhood. The first time she went to have her ultrasound done, Brynn was embarrassed. The technician didn’t even bl
ink twice, and proceeded with ‘business as usual.’ Brynn was grateful.
She knew that she needed to accept the pain from her past and move on in order to be a good mother.
Now she was enjoying every moment of her pregnancy. There was no morning sickness, and she loved how the growing baby was giving her an excuse to eat a little more. She finally looked healthy, and was actually glowing and radiant. Brynn looked so different from the sick, bony woman she had become when Adam was gone.
But now Brynn worried for her baby.
Jane! It is Jane’s wedding day, and I am supposed to stand up with her. Brynn was horrified. Jane was her closest friend. She was the one who saw her through when Adam was gone, and Rose was dying. Jane helped pave the way for Adam to come home, and she took care of Brynn when Brynn couldn’t take care of herself. And now it was Jane’s day, and Brynn failed her… again.
Brynn was indebted to Jane in the same way that she was indebted to Adam. They both had brought her out of the darkness, and she loved her friend with all of her heart.
Before Jane, Brynn only had one friend in all of her life, but now Stacy was gone, murdered by her husband’s lover. Now Jane was her very best friend, and only the second real friend she’d ever had.
“Oh, Adam! The baby!” she cried. “…and Jane!”
“Jane is fine sweetheart,” Adam said smoothing her hair, which instantly calmed her. He knew just how to touch her to make her feel better. “She understands. She said she could postpone it, but I told her to just go ahead. This isn’t our day. It’s her day. She said it wouldn’t be the same without you.”
Brynn cried. She was looking forward to seeing her friend get married and finally find her happiness. Jane had come to work at Brynn’s restaurant years before and was broke, overwhelmed, and grieving the loss of her husband from stomach cancer. Brynn helped her get on her feet and find hope again.
Now, Jane and her two girls were finally getting the happiness they deserved. Ryan was a great guy, and he loved them all so much. Brynn was so happy for her friend.
A nurse came into the room and started checking the monitors and wires efficiently. She smiled politely at Brynn and asked her how she was feeling. Brynn said she was fine. Brynn always said she was fine, even when she wasn’t.
“How is my baby?” she asked, afraid of the answer. She was trying to live life unafraid for the first time ever, but this was a new kind of terror.
“Oh, the baby is fine. Don’t worry, the doctor will talk to you when she gets in,” the nurse smiled and patted Brynn’s arm softly. Brynn sighed with relief.
When the nurse left, Brynn looked at Adam, her eyes filled with questions.
“She’s in the waiting room,” Adam said, answering her first one. “She felt bad about shocking you the way that she did, but refused to leave.”
Brynn was quiet. She didn’t know what she would do with this woman in her life after all this time. Brynn didn’t know this woman, and didn’t know if she even wanted to… After all, this woman hadn’t wanted her before, abandoning her as a toddler, leaving Brynn to fend for herself. Brynn broke her leg, and she had nearly starved to death trying to look for her mother.
Now that Brynn was about to have her own baby, she couldn’t even imagine leaving her child behind. She had been terrified to become pregnant, but now that she was, she was terrified that some harm would come to her baby. She couldn’t even imagine a circumstance in which she would walk away from her child now.
Brynn looked down at her belly and smiled. She loved her baby with something inside of her that she hadn’t even known existed. It was as though the moment she knew she was pregnant, a switch turned on. Now she thought it had been so silly to be afraid of motherhood. Protecting her child and caring for it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to do.
“What does she want?” Brynn asked even though she knew that Adam wouldn’t know the answer.
“I don’t know, sweetheart.” Adam was asking himself the same question. While Ellie seemed concerned about Brynn, there was something in her demeanor that appeared detached. It made him uncomfortable.
His first impression of Ellie was unsettling, even though she was making every attempt to be friendly. Adam thought that he should give her a chance, but he couldn’t shake the uneasiness. “Don’t worry about that right now. I just want you to get some sleep. Please rest. The baby needs it, and so do you.”
Suddenly Brynn felt a sharp pain, followed quickly by another.
The nurse was just about to leave the room when she noticed Brynn’s face grimace in pain. “Are you okay?” She asked looking anxiously at the monitor. The lines on the monitor were beginning to jump up and down erratically, and she quickly pushed the red button on Brynn’s bed. “I need some assistance in room 210, Stat!”
Brynn felt pain. Sharp, stabbing pain and she yelped as she felt herself getting hot and starting to sweat. Oh God, no! No! You can’t have my baby!
“Brynn, Brynn, can you hear me?”
Brynn could hear Adam’s voice, but she couldn’t answer. She was lost in pain, trying to gather herself, fearing for the tiny life growing inside. She felt pain, and then she felt wetness as a pool of red started to stain the crisp white sheet of the hospital bed. Adam and Brynn stared down in horror, and Brynn started to feel faint.
She felt the room growing dark, and she knew she was going to black out again.
The last thought she had was of the tiny baby inside fighting for life, and all she wanted was for her to live. She knew it was a girl, even though everyone else thought it was a boy. She knew with all of her heart that she was a girl. She even had a name picked out, even though she kept it to herself. She hadn’t even told Adam. Not until it was time.
Please baby, fight. You have to live. I need you to live. Mommy needs you, and she wants you more than anything in the world. I have fought to have you, so don’t leave me now.
Brynn felt herself getting weaker. She could still feel Adam in the distance holding her hand, calling her name. She knew that there was a flurry of excitement in the room, and that she was being hooked up to more and more monitors. She even thought that someone might have been pumping her chest, but she wasn’t certain. Everything felt like a blur. She thought she saw the woman who claimed to be her mother at the door fighting with a nurse to get in. Her long hair was flying about as she yelled at the nurse, and Brynn could tell she was upset. But Brynn felt strangely calm, peaceful. Even though Adam looked like he was about to explode with fear and concern, and her birth mother was fighting desperately to get into the room, Brynn felt at peace, so she talked to her baby and prayed.
Baby, fight! Mommy won’t leave you. We will be together in this world, I promise. I won’t abandon you like my mother abandoned me, and I will never hurt you. You will always be mine… mine and Daddy’s. God, please let us live! Please! Amen.
Brynn prayed over and over, while the commotion in the room continued.
And then there was nothing.
Chapter Three
Guilty Ellie
THE GUILT WAS CRUSHING ELLIE from the inside out. She felt it as they had driven home from abandoning her child; she felt it in the morning when she woke up, and at night before she went to bed. She carried it with her like a sharp dagger not too far from her heart, wounding herself daily.
Jonas didn’t understand it. He was a man, and he had never created life inside of his own body the way that she had. Ellie made sure to spend her entire pregnancy detached, but the moment Eva was born, she was in love.
But Jonas hated Eva. From the moment he found out Ellie was pregnant, he didn’t want anything to do with her. Ellie couldn’t believe how cold he could be, and how mean he was to his little girl. She could understand if Eva was an ugly child, but Ellie knew that she was beautiful, with big brown eyes and that cute little chin. Eva was the spitting image of her momma, and if nothing else, she thought Jonas should appreciate that.
Ellie wanted to leave him, but she lo
ved him. She needed him. He was her drug, and she was addicted to him in a way that terrified her yet satisfied her all at once. But watching her baby lying on the cold ground crying as Jonas sped away was an image that was burned into Ellie’s mind.
Ellie almost killed Jonas in his sleep that night.
When they arrived back at Jonas’ dirty little apartment, Ellie was almost hysterical.
“Calm down, El. She will be fine!” Jonas lit a cigarette and handed it to her. She took it, her hand shaking uncontrollably, her eyes unfocused. He was losing patience. She had cried and screamed for the entire two-hour drive back. She screamed for him to turn around. She pulled at her hair. She cursed him and herself. She was hysterical, and Jonas could do nothing to calm her down.
He thought about pushing her out of the car, but even he wasn’t that cruel. “There were cars all up and down that road. The kid is going to be fine!”
Ellie looked at Jonas in a daze. What will Momma think? Daddy is going to hate me. What have I done? She felt something squeezing her heart, like a giant fist. Squeezing, squeezing. Her heart was going to explode. She knew that if it did, she would deserve it. She deserved a horrible death after what she had done to her baby girl.
Jonas looked at her in disgust. So young! He loved his little sweet Ellie, but she was so young and so dramatic. He didn’t usually pick them this young, but Ellie had captivated him with her innocence. The twelve-year age difference didn’t bother him, and it wasn’t as though he were planning to be with her forever. He got bored easily and didn’t usually stay with his women very long. She had proven to be different, though. She tried to ditch him when she was pregnant with the kid, but he always made it a point to find her. It was an effort he wasn’t used to making for a piece of ass, but for some reason, he couldn’t seem to shake Ellie.
“My baby, my baby, my baby,” Ellie had rocked back and forth on the floor, sobbing. Jonas had never seen anyone cry so much. And all over a snotty kid. He knew that he should feel bad, but Jonas’ dad split when his mother was pregnant with him, and he turned out pretty good. Jonas didn’t think that people should even have kids, and he certainly never wanted one. Not now, not ever.
Losing Eva (The Eva Series Book 2) Page 2
