by Jill Patten
My radio was firmly set on a station that played all-day-long Christmas music. Dancing around the house, full of cheerful Christmas spirit, I finally finished wrapping the last of my gifts. I was belting along with Johnny Mathis’ ‘Sleigh Ride’ when I faintly heard the doorbell ring. Running down the hall to turn the volume down, I nearly busted my butt on the freshly polished floor. Hastily, I opened the door, sucking in an absurd amount of cold air as I gauged my much unexpected visitor. My heart fluttered momentarily. From fear? From delight? From the abundance of love I still carried for the psycho male species standing before me? So many mixed emotions were tingling through every nerve ending of my body. This boy had me questioning my own sanity.
Phillip’s looks were so deceiving. His GQ physique masked his malevolent persona. My body involuntarily responded before my brain as I drank him in. His lustrous, brown eyes raked over me as I stood stunned, staring at him. His dirty blond hair was shaved close to his head, and he now had a small goatee that made him look a few years older. He stood motionless in my doorway with his hands shoved in the front pockets of his faded jeans.
“May I come in?” he whispered, his head hanging low. His chocolate browns peered up at me behind his dark eyelashes. The demeanor radiating off of him was a mixture of seduction and passiveness. I was unsure of which emotion he was aiming for, and the latter wasn’t his style.
Pulling myself down from the clouds, I quickly got my brain on the straight and narrow path. “Can I trust you, Phillip? Are you going to turn all psychotic on me again?” I huffed, pushing my hair behind my ears. I needed to do something with my hands to hide the nervous shakes he triggered. “I can’t keep doing this with you. I can’t keep letting you take control of my heart,” I pleaded, my hands grasping at my chest. “You break me. You’ve shattered my spirit so many times. The pieces are incapable of being put back together.” Phillip took a step toward me, and I shook my head. “No. Don’t come any closer. Just tell me, what do you want from me?”
Phillip took yet another step forward, reaching a hand up and cupping my face. “I just want your forgiveness, nothing else,” he said softly, shaking his head. “These past few weeks have killed me. I can’t handle not being near you, not talking to you. I know I’ve fucked up, and I understand your anger with me, but, please, I’m begging you, forgive me.” I could see things in his eyes that I had never seen before—regret, shame, sorrow.
Seething, I asked the most obvious question. “Why now, Phillip? Why after all the times you’ve treated me like a piece of shit, why now do you want my forgiveness?”
He stood immobile, a pained expression wrinkling his forehead.
“Answer me, dammit!” I screamed, my fist clenched tight by my sides.
“Because I can’t handle not having you in my life. I’ve tried moving on without you, but I’m not capable, Courtney. Yes, I know I dated other girls, I know I screwed around on you, but none of it replaces you.” He reached forward, and his thumb started caressing my cheek. “I’m not asking for us to get back together. I fucked up. I get that. I’m just asking for your friendship, for your forgiveness.”
My heart was racing a hundred miles an hour as I listened to his words of endearment continue on.
“Did you know Trent came up to me and asked me if he could ask you out? I told him you were free to do whatever you wanted, and that I was not in control of you. Doesn’t that say something, Courtney?” he whispered, his other hand reaching up to cup the other side of my face.
I grabbed both of Phillip’s wrists, lightly pulling his hands from my face. The contact was too intimate, and I didn’t trust myself in his personal space. “Yes, Phillip, it does. I can forgive you, I always do, but I can’t trust you. Believe me, I’ve tried,” I said harshly.
Phillip took one final step closer. “Just give me one more chance, please? I’m begging you, and you know I never beg.” He was starting to freak me out, displaying a new personality I’d never met before. I’d thought my introductions had been made with all of them by now.
“And if you go on one of your crazy rampages, then what? I’m supposed to forgive you again? I can’t keep going through this vicious cycle, Phillip.” I suddenly noticed he had slyly made his way into my house. Standing firmly by the door, I wasn’t about to let him in any further.
“Then don’t make a decision now. Let me show you I can be the person you always desired me to be. I can prove it to you. Just give me a chance,” he pleaded
Those days of making him promises were over. “I’ll think about it,” I confirmed. That was all I could give him, nothing more.
“I’ll take that. It’s better than no,” he said, pulling a small wrapped gift from his coat pocket, holding it out to me.
His gesture confused me. I thought our gift exchanging days were over. “I can’t take that. I didn’t buy anything for you.”
His full lips pulled up to the side, flashing his adorable sideways grin. “It’s not really a Christmas gift… it’s more of an ‘I’m sorry for being such an ass’ gift… a truce,” he chuckled.
I didn’t know what to say. He had never given me a gift unless it was a holiday that required it. I stood motionless, staring at the wrapping paper, taking notice that it wasn’t wrapped in Christmas paper.
“Open it.”
Slowly, I pulled the ribbon, feeling like I was about to reveal some kind of sick joke. Phillip took the wrapping paper from my hands so that I could open the box. My hand shook as I pulled off the lid. Phillip reached down and pulled out a beautiful, silver bangle bracelet with some kind of plant in the middle. I could never wear this in front of anyone unless I wanted to give an explanation, which I did not.
“Here, let me put it on you,” he said, lightly grabbing my right wrist, clasping the bracelet in place. “The vine on top is an olive branch; it means to offer peace or reconciliation, and that’s what I’m doing here with you today. I’m giving you this token to show you how serious I am. I want you to wear this until I break your trust.” He lifted my hand and gently pressed his lips to the sensitive underside of my wrist. “Thank you,” he murmured, his lips still lingering on my skin.
He turned around quickly and jogged back to his truck, I stood still at the door, unable to move and not feeling the cold air we let in as we exchanged what turned into… an agreement? Did I just agree to go through this whole shenanigan with him again? Really? I faintly heard my phone playing Pink Floyd’s ‘Brain Damage’ letting me know it was Kendra. I was too muddled to carry on a coherent conversation, so I just let it go to voicemail.
After having Christmas lunch with my coworkers, I was feeling a little apprehensive about spending the rest of the evening with Kendra and her parents. My gut told me that Reed might bring Jaxon with him, but, then again, he probably wouldn’t since this was Kendra’s family. I just wasn’t ready to face him yet. I felt embarrassed for the way I treated him, especially after Kendra told me about his concern with my well-being on a daily basis. As I pulled into her driveway, I was relieved to see no unfamiliar cars parked outside.
Running from my car up the long walkway, I tried to dodge the freezing rain that started pouring down on my way over. As I tripped over the threshold, I nearly tossed my bag of gifts. I face-planted right into none other than Jaxon, or at least his super-hefty, beefy, muscular chest. I attempted to nonchalantly pause, taking a deep breath through my nose, savoring the wonderful peppermint aroma that intoxicated me.
“Whoa, Sweet Cheeks,” he laughed. His arm firmly wrapped around my waist to keep me steady on my feet. The groan that escaped my lips was loud enough for the neighbors to hear. Not sure which one embarrassed me more, the groan or my clumsiness. I felt the heat run up from my neck to my face.
“I am so sorry, Jaxon. I was trying to escape the rain before it frizzed up my hair,” I gasped, a little breathless.
“Don’t be sorry. I’m just glad I was in the right place at the right time, or we might have been paying the ER a visit,”
he smiled, pulling his dimples in deep. “I could see it now, you falling face first onto this hard, ceramic floor,” he chuckled.
I definitely preferred the hard, sexy chest. I felt his body tense up. Oh hell, did I just say that out loud? Judging by the sudden shift in the atmosphere, I knew I had.
Looking up at him was a big mistake on my part. His baby blues peered into my eyes, mesmerizing me and hitching my breath as we stood motionless. The smile he had moments ago was replaced with a more desirable expression. Neither one of us moved. The fresh minty scent of his breath blew quickly across my face in short breaths as if he had just finished running a marathon. My body became paralyzed, and it dawned on me that I didn’t want to move from his touch even if I was able to. How was I allowing him to have so much control over my feelings? My attraction to him at the party was merely alcohol-induced, or at least that’s what I had told myself. Was it possible to develop this strong of an attraction to someone you barely knew? Someone you’d spent a scarce amount of time with? I wished I could tell what he was thinking as he stared at me intensely, passion emanating from his eyes.
I was losing myself in his iridescent gaze when I woke from my reverie and spotted Kendra.
“There you ar—oh, sorry, I uh—” she stammered.
“I tripped… um, walking in the door,” I interrupted, realizing it sounded more like an excuse for our close embrace instead of a statement of events. Jaxon quickly jerked away, and I didn’t realize until that moment that I had a tight grip on his upper arms.
“Okaaaay,” Kendra said, drawing the word out longer than necessary. “Well, y’all are acting like a couple of deer caught in headlights, and it’s making me feel awkward. I’m going to mosey my ass back into the kitchen to help mom with dinner,” she smiled, then turned and walked down the hall.
My eyes followed her until she disappeared around the corner, only to catch her poking her head back around to give me a wink. Turning around to see if Jaxon was watching as well, I found him bent down, sliding on his black Vans, as he cleared his throat.
My heart sank a tad. “Are you leaving?” I asked timidly, hoping my voice didn’t come out sounding desperate.
“Kendra’s mom needs eggs. She dropped the entire carton, so I told her I would run to the store for her.” He grasped the door handle like he was ready to make a mad dash out the door.
“Do you know where the store is?”
“No, but I’m good,” he answered swiftly, then fled through the door just as quickly as I stumbled in.
Standing there alone, I wondered if I’d overstepped the friendship line. I hadn’t reacted any differently than he had, really. In fact, it slightly pissed me off the way he appeared all smitten with me, but then cut me short once Kendra walked in.
“What the hell was that all about?”
My body jerked from fright. Spinning around to face Kendra, I found her standing in the hallway with both hands on her hips, head cocked to the side. “I swear, if I hadn’t interrupted you two, y’all would’ve been kissing within five seconds. Is there something going on that you’re not telling me?” she eyed me curiously.
I’m telling you, if I didn’t meet my untimely death in the form of a heart attack by the age of twenty, I’d be shocked. Between having the shit scared out of me, Phillip playing with my heart, Jaxon teasing my heart, panic attacks… it was bound to stop beating eventually.
I shook my head at her. “I knew you would jump to conclusions. When I walked in, I tripped over the stupid threshold, and Jaxon happened to be at the right place at the right time. He caught me before I busted my face on the floor,” I shrugged, acting like it was no big deal.
“You better not be blowing me off, Court. I swear, if there is something going on between you two and you don’t tell me about it, I will break up with you,” she warned, her lips pulled in tight and her eyebrow lowered, giving me the stink-eye.
I reached down to pick up my bag full of gifts, checking them out to make sure the bows weren’t smashed. I was a horrible liar, and to lie to someone’s face, especially Kendra, without being consumed by guilt was a trick I’d not yet mastered. Pretending to meticulously examine the presents, I avoided making any eye contact with her. What was going on with me and the lies spilling so easily from my mouth lately?
“Seriously, Kendra? You know you are the one and only person I tell all my deep, dark secrets to,” I promised, wincing inside, while thinking back to ‘the kiss’ between Jaxon and I and to the treaty I’d made with Phillip earlier that morning. “So, for the record, I don’t feel that way toward Jaxon.”
“Well, maybe you don’t, but I know you’re attracted to him. You proved that at the Russells’ Christmas party, remember?” Kendra was still standing with her hands firmly on her hips, her eyebrows lifted high, bringing wrinkles to her forehead.
I inhaled a deep breath. “Is he cute? Yes, he’s freakin’ gorgeous, but he’s not my type,” I argued.
If I didn’t end the conversation now, she would start using her usual tactics, and I would be revealing feelings that I was not ready to share. Sliding my flats off, I walked past her, clearly letting her know the discussion was over.
We walked into the kitchen where Kendra’s mom and dad, Diana and David, were congregated with Reed around the island, chopping onions and celery. I stepped over to Diana and David, greeting them both with hugs and kisses. They were my second parents, and, even though David traveled a lot with his job, he had always been there for me when I’d needed a father figure in my life. Not wasting any time, Diana immediately put me to work, peeling potatoes for the potato salad.
In the midst of a discussion with David and Diana about our ski trip, I caught sight of someone in my peripheral vision. Jerking my head up, I spotted Jaxon leaning against the door frame. His expression made me wonder what he was thinking as he watched our playful banter with a contented smile on his face. His eyes flashed over to mine, and he gave me a quick wink. Instantaneously, butterflies exploded in my stomach. My eyes quickly shot back to the potatoes I was cutting. I chanced a glance at Kendra, curious to see if she’d noticed Jaxon was back. Breathing a small sigh of relief, I found that she hadn’t. She was whispering in Reed’s ear and not paying us any attention.
Dinner started off awkward. Kendra purposely sat Jaxon and I beside each other while she and Reed sat across from us. Jaxon chose not to look at me throughout the entire dinner, barely acknowledging my existence. His avoidance didn’t stop Kendra from boring a hole through the both of us during the dinner service. Finally fed up with it, I kicked her under the table to let her know. After that, she focused more on eating and joining the circulating conversations than on Jaxon and me.
After Jaxon’s return from the store, he’d remained somewhat neutral toward me, kind of like he was deliberately being a little stand-offish. It made me question things, like whether or not he had winked at me, or if maybe he was blinking because he’d had something in his eye. I decided to brush it off, though. It was senseless for me to even be worrying about it. In hindsight, I shouldn’t care about whether he liked me or not.
After dinner, everyone gathered in the family room to play our traditional game of Rook. Reed decided that, since we had an even number of people, we should play in teams of two, partnering himself up with Jaxon. After a couple of rounds, we discovered the two sly snakes were cheating, so we broke out individually, making the game a little fairer. However, David—the strategic player—made a clean sweep in every hand and the game ended quickly. He then challenged us all to a game of chess, but we all declined since he was a master chess player.
After having our butts whooped in Rook, Kendra and I helped Diana clean the kitchen before opening presents. Hearing Christmas tunes deriving from the piano in the family room, all three of us turned to look at each other curiously—Diana and Kendra being the only ones who knew how to play the piano. We marched ourselves down toward the family room to see who had the hidden talent, only to find Jaxon alone
in the room, sitting at the piano and playing a beautiful medley of ‘Silent Night,’ ‘What Child is This,’ and ‘Mary, Did You Know.’ He was in his own little world, not noticing us standing there watching him graciously move his hands and fingers over the keys. The sound he created was both beautiful and mesmerizing. We continued watching him, listening, for what seemed like hours before he spotted us and stopped. Looking a little embarrassed, he smiled shyly. “Sorry, didn’t know anyone was in here. I hope you don’t mind me trying out your piano,” he said, looking at Diana.
“Oh, honey, not at all. You play beautifully. How long have you been playing?” she asked enthusiastically.
He turned on the piano bench to face her. “Umm, since I was about five years old. My gramma taught me.”
“Well, she must be a very talented lady,” Diana gushed.
“She was,” he replied softly, the obvious sadness in his eyes as he tried to force a smile on his gloomy face.
The room became very quiet. The three of us didn’t know exactly what to say. He seemed to hold so many secrets, never willingly revealing any personal insights, and it only perked my intrusive curiosity. The wheels started spinning in my head as I wondered how his parents died or if he even had any siblings. He’d never spoken about any immediate family, and the only family he did talk about was Reed. It never occurred to me to ask any of those questions, but you could bet your sweet ass that my inner sleuth was itching to start snooping now.
Reed and David walked into the room, arms loaded up with presents, inevitably deflecting the unease floating around the room. “Jaxon, how about you get your butt over here and help us out instead of trying to woo these women with your mad piano skills?” Reed laughed.
