Toxic Secrets

by Jill Patten

  Physically, I was worn down. My body had been pulled in so many directions that I didn’t think I could stretch another cell from my insignificant stature. Aside from school, I’d been spending most of my time at Phillip’s. Since I was the one that put him in the situation he was in, I felt it was my duty to take care of him. Besides, he’d been so sweet and understanding that I wanted to take advantage of his new profound self before he flipped personalities on me.

  Phillip’s mom, aka the Ice Queen Bitch, surprised me the most. She was very encouraging of me spending so much time at their house. Normally, she sought any reason she could to keep me from stepping foot on their property. Now, she was finding every excuse to leave me with Phillip while she ran her imaginary errands. She even went out of her way to send her apologies to my mother for, as she put it, “getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar,” whatever that meant. I couldn’t imagine her being sentimental enough to feel any sympathy for anyone other than herself or her family.

  When I wasn’t with Phillip, I was either at home, surrounding my mother with all things positive, or with Kendra, giving her my support since she had always been there for me. Before now, Kendra had never experienced any life-threatening sickness in her family, so, when her dad had his surgery, it took its toll on her.

  Unfortunately, the least amount of my time was spent at my place of solace—my job. I’d always loved my job, and it had always been my time to lose myself in my thoughts and make those trivial life decisions I’d had to make during the last three and a half years. Sadly, my time at work, though, had almost become non-existent lately. After the accident, I asked to cut my hours back so I could spend more time nursing Phillip, but, after my mom lost her job, those extra hours became crucial for my family’s survival. When I requested to gain those hours back, my manager refused after she heard the rumors about my mom. Maggie never came out and said that was the reason, but, after walking up on hushed conversations about it and the way she has shunned me, I was no fool to believe any different.

  My phone chimed in my pocket, breaking me from my trance.

  P: If u don’t mind can u bring me a blanket plz?

  Quickly, I texted Phillip back to let him know that I would.

  For just a moment, I thought for sure I would see Jaxon’s name appear on my screen.

  Through all the craziness that had taken over my life during the past two weeks, it hadn’t occurred to me until now that Jaxon hadn’t bothered to text or call. I knew that he was aware of the car accident because Kendra sheepishly confessed about telling him. She thought that I would be upset with her, figuring that, by telling him, he would make a special trip to see me. Apparently, her plan spiraled downward into a black hole.

  Sure, our communication had become strained since he’d left, mostly my fault. I wasn’t the best to respond. But, still, he always went out of his way to stay in touch—nearly every day—even if it was just to say hi. I guessed he decided after going back home that befriending a teenage girl like me was a waste of his time.

  A bar-owning guy with his looks and personality was only going to draw in the most desirable women known to mankind. It was obvious that he could have any woman—or possibly man—anytime, anywhere that he wanted. I should’ve been realistic in the beginning.

  I just wondered how long he’d kept up the charade until he finally decided to stop leading me on and move on with his life.

  My heart felt a jolt of searing pain, as if a needle had just pierced it. It was stupid of me to develop feelings for him. Hell, I didn’t even know if my own feelings were real or just a crush. Maybe I was just looking for a rebound guy. I was so screwed up, I didn’t even know what I felt or wanted anymore.

  And to think he wanted me to come out and visit during spring break. Who was he kidding?

  “Silly, silly girl,” I murmured to myself, shaking my head.

  It was time for me to live in the present and focus my time on repairing all the damage I’d caused Phillip, not to mention help my mom find another job and repair her reputation.

  Opening the linen closet door, I reached in to grab Phillip a blanket as requested. What I wasn’t expecting to find was every type of quilt, throw, or bedspread sporting some sort of Wake Forest logo. I didn’t want to take any of them to him because I knew it would be a painful reminder of what had been taken away… of what I cheated him of. Again, I felt the guilt button being pushed in the pit of my stomach. God, was it ever going to go away?

  When I picked up one of the blankets, I was taken by surprise when a small, silver antique jewelry box tilted, and pieces of jewelry came spilling out. My mouth fell open in disbelief. The jewelry was exactly like what my mother had been accused of stealing. That damn Ice Queen Bitch! I was raging mad. She set my mother up. She’d had this all planned out. No wonder she’d been so kind to me. She’s been stabbing me in the back all this time.

  My heart accelerated, and I squeezed my fists then released them repeatedly, exercising the tense muscles in my arms. I took a few deep breaths in attempt to calm my nerves. I guessed this was her revenge for what I’d done to Phillip. I’d hurt the thing that was most precious to her, so she was going to hurt the one person that was most precious to me. Fury brewed within me that she would stoop this low.

  Pulling my phone from my pocket, I decided to take a picture. Carefully, I picked the earrings and necklace up with the blanket and put them back in their original place, trying not to tamper with them any more than what I had already.

  Hurrying down the steps, I strode into the living room where Phillip was lying on the couch watching TV. I wondered if he knew. I had to believe that he didn’t. I had to believe she wouldn’t be dumb enough to involve him. Now I had to figure out what I was going to do. How could I confront her without it backfiring on me? This was going to take some time for me to figure out, and I had to plan it out very carefully.

  Awaiting his reaction, I cringed inwardly as I draped the blanket across Phillip.

  “What’s wrong, Court?” He looked at me quizzically.

  I tried my best to fake a bubbly persona. “Nothing, nothing at all, why you ask?” Carrying on nonchalantly, I tucked the ends around his legs. After I situated the blanket to my liking, I turned to take my seat in the recliner when he abruptly grabbed my forearm and pulled me down onto him.

  My chest landed flush with his as my legs dangled off the side of the couch. Not intending to, but my face landed right in the crook of his neck. I inhaled the fresh aroma of soap, shampoo, and cologne that swarmed around him. My heart began to stammer. You stupid, stupid girl. What are you doing?

  Phillip held me close to him. “I’ve known you for far too long. Now tell me what’s wrong,” he spoke softly in a deep tone.

  I lifted my head from his neck. I didn’t need his scent muffling my thoughts. Keeping my eyes averted from his, I stared solely at a family portrait of the Wilkins hanging on the wall above the gray-stoned fireplace, a picture that had been taken two years ago at church. I’d never forget that day as long as I lived. It was the day I lost my virginity.

  It was nothing like I thought it would be. I was expecting some kind of firework explosion to take place during that magical moment like I had always heard and read about, but mine was painful, messy, and the most unpleasurable juncture I had ever experienced. I’d wanted to climb up to the next level in our relationship as much as Phillip had, but my reasoning was more out of curiosity than love. I wish it had been planned out better—fairytale fashion instead of getting humped a total of five times in the bed of a pick-up truck on a deserted dirt road. Classy.

  My mother would have been furious with me if she knew I’d been deflowered. She had preached to me since I was a little girl to save myself for marriage. The thing was, I always looked at it as though Phillip was my future husband, so what harm would there have been if we got a jump start on our sexual life.

  Now, as I stared at that picture and thought of that day, I wished I could go back i
n time and change that moment. I didn’t know if I would still choose Phillip to be my first and only partner, but I did know I would make sure it was the most romantic point of my life. Making it a time that would bring a glorious smile upon my face and a sensation full of pure satisfaction.

  “You thinking about that day? Is that what has you upset?”

  Rapidly blinking my eyes, I brought myself back to the here and now. Phillip’s head was stretched over the arm of the couch, straining his neck to get a better view of the picture I got so lost in. “A little.” It wasn’t exactly a lie, but it wasn’t the truth either.

  He lightly trailed his fingertips back and forth along the spine of my back. Since his accident, I had noticed his affection toward me growing daily. It kind of reminded me how he used to be when we first started dating.

  When I looked away from the picture, I saw Phillip had focused his attention elsewhere. He was staring at me. The expression in his eyes took me by surprise. It was a look of plea. Was he still asking for my forgiveness? Did I ever tell him out loud that I forgave him the moment I nearly took his life?

  As I lay on top of the gorgeous boy I fell in love with nearly four years ago, giving everything I owned to him including my heart, I realized I’d never let him know he was forgiven.

  Holding his warm, brown eyes, I told him those three little words I never thought I would ever say to him again, “I forgive you,” I whispered.

  The words ‘thank you’ barely left his mouth before his warm, plump lips caressed mine.

  The kiss was unexpected.

  He cradled my face in his hands, kissing me so tenderly. Even though I should, I didn’t discard him. His tongue swept along mine, but he never intensified our embrace. The smallest part of my brain that screamed at me to stop, that what I was doing was wrong and that I would regret it later, got shoved aside by the strong feelings of love and lust gushing throughout my body. Unbeknownst to me, I had kept those feelings hidden, having thought I had turned those emotions off. But it seemed as if a genuine touch of affection was all it took to bring my love back to the surface.

  Phillip kissed me with so much passion and urgency, never turning forceful. It felt like he was making up for the last six months of being apart. His breathing turned heavy, as did mine, as his left hand slipped away from my face, slowly rubbing its way down to my back. That hand stopped at the small of my back pulling me into him. Hard.

  My body instantly stiffened when I felt his erection pushing into my upper thighs. “What’s wrong?” Phillip purred against my lips. “Please, don’t. I miss you, Court. God, I’ve missed you so much.” My mouth was enveloped with his lips, his tongue, his intoxicating kiss, before I ever got the chance to protest. Relaxing into the kiss, he devoured me like I was his last meal.

  The sound of a door closing awoke my senses, causing me to jump off of Phillip in a flash. In the process, I nearly tripped over his crippled leg. Deep breaths placated my body, overcoming my outlandish panting. I didn’t dare turn around to catch a glimpse of Phillip. I could only hope he was pulling his composure together better than I was.

  His mother rounded the corner right as I adjusted my blouse. My brain cranked into overtime.

  What was I doing? How far would things have gotten if his mom had not come home? Did I want this with him again? Did he really miss me? Was he screwing with my head again? Was he—

  “Courtney!” Phillip yelled, interrupting my inner battle.

  I jerked my head around to face him. His tone was not the sweet voice he used with me just a few moments ago.

  Phillip looked at me curiously. “Are you okay?” His voice softened with unease.

  “Sure… why?” My mind felt fuzzy. Why did Phillip always have this effect on me? He loved playing mind games with me, and I was always the weakest pawn.

  He continued staring at me with a look of confusion. “Mom was talking to you, and you never responded. You looked like you were lost in space.” He pulled himself up into a sitting position using all his upper body strength. “You haven’t acted right since you came downstairs to bring me a blanket. Are you sure nothing is wrong?” The muscles in his biceps and shoulders bulged against his skin. My body responded deeply as I remembered how those strong arms felt wrapped around me.

  I had to get away. If I stayed any longer, I knew I would only complicate things more… for me.

  Rubbing my temples, I feigned discomfort. “Actually I’m not feeling that great, I think a migraine is trying to take over. If you don’t mind, I’m going home to lie down for a while.” I winced, hoping they would buy my little fib.

  “No problem, I’m finished with my errands for the day, so I can take care of Phillip,” Phillip’s mom grinned.

  Her smile seemed forced, and when she spoke to me in a pleasant manner, her mouth moved in a way one would do to keep from biting their tongue. The more I was around her, the more I questioned her motives. After discovering the stolen jewels in the closet, I knew exactly what her motives were. I had to beat her at her own game though.

  Instantly, I grabbed my keys from the end table.

  “Can I get a goodbye hug?” Phillip asked.

  I nodded, taking baby steps until I reached him. Leaning down, I gave him one of those friendly hugs with the little pats on the back, but Phillip wasn’t accepting it. Instead, he pulled me tight against him and whispered in my ear. “Don’t overthink us. Let it flow naturally.” He gently kissed my earlobe before releasing me.

  Pulling away quickly, I scampered out of the house to my car before I chanced passing out. Once inside, I shut the door and let out the deepest breath, releasing the fog that was blurring my thinking process.

  One more hiccup to add to my already complicated life.

  Chapter 23 ~ Jaxon

  My muscles screamed in agonizing pain, my lungs burned from the deprivation of oxygen, but it still wasn’t enough to override the thoughts of Courtney residing in my brain. Swimming had always been my release, but, oddly, it wasn’t working this time.

  The first of April was two weeks away. Spring break for Courtney was two weeks away, and I still had not heard anything from her. It had been four weeks since our last conversation. My obsession was beginning to worry me. She was obviously done with me, so I needed to pull my head out of my ass and focus my time living my life post-Courtney. Shit was always easier said than done.

  My head thrust from the water with intense force as my lungs engulfed every ounce of air and smog it could obtain. Resting my head on the warm concrete, I clung to the side of the pool, panting heavily as the lower half of my body fell limp beneath the cool water.

  That all-too familiar voice tugged me from my deep thoughts. “I could watch you work those back muscles all day long.” I kept my head down, eyes closed. She loved using her thick Spanish accent when trying to seduce me. “Go the fuck home, Val.” I mumbled against the porcelain surface of the poolside.

  “Don’t be mean, Jax. You said I was welcomed to join you anytime I liked.” Her voice grew louder as she bent down closer to me. “Don’t you remember?” Her acrylic nails scraped along my scalp as she twirled my hair in between her fingers. One of these day’s I’m gonna buzz-cut the shit.

  Right when I was about to tell her those days were long over, I made the mistake of lifting my head to look at her. Greeting me was red patent-leather stilettoes snuggled comfortably around freshly manicured toes. Her slim, light brown legs, that I’d had wrapped around me more times than I’d like to admit, were bent in a squatting position. She’d left her legs open just enough to let me know she was not wearing any panties. I looked away as soon as I saw her bald pussy. “Why bother wearing a skirt if you’re gonna show that shit?” I slipped underwater, not in the mood to hear her excuses and swam over to the opposite side of the pool, hoping she would take my rudeness as a cue to leave.

  Before I emerged out of the water, I could see her blurry form hovering by the edge, waiting for me to come up for air. I needed a distracti
on. I wanted a distraction, but Valeria was not the distraction I was looking for.

  I allowed for only my head to bob out of the water, not giving her the satisfaction of ogling over my body. “What? What the hell do you want, Val?” My tone was harsh.

  She dropped my towel she’d been holding onto the ground. “Why are you always so fucking mean to me? I treat you like a fucking king, and all you ever do is treat me like shit.” Her chin quivered slightly, holding back a cry.

  Guilt washed over me. She was right though, I’d used her and abused her. And, no matter how severe or small the circumstance was, she always stood by my side. She’d always been there for me when I needed that comfort. Besides Troy, she was the only other person I trusted. Well, almost. There were some things she didn’t know or need to know—Courtney. She wasn’t just my friend, though; she was also my fuck buddy, a fuck buddy that was in love with me. No matter how many times I told her that I didn’t carry the same feelings, she still remained loyal to me.

  I hoisted myself up out of the pool from the deep end. My arms felt a little like wet noodles after swimming for over an hour. Picking up the towel that Valeria had dropped, I soaked up the water droplets that clung to my chilled skin. “Look, Val, I’m not trying to be mean, but you can’t come over here dressed like that, purposely enticing me with your tits and ass hanging out.” I couldn’t figure out if her top was a bra or a bikini top, whatever it was, it definitely was barely there.

  “So, you still think I’m sweet and juicy like a peach?” she asked softly, giving me a child-like innocent look. So much for the guilt I’d just felt.