Toxic Secrets

by Jill Patten

  “Courtney,” he said, patting the empty spot beside of him on the bed. “Come over here and talk to me. You look like you’re a million miles away,” he smiled crookedly.

  Reluctantly, I sat down beside him with my legs crisscrossed, facing him. The butterflies came to life in my belly. I wasn’t sure if it was from nerves or from the old feelings I was battling with.

  “I’m not going to pussy-foot around… I need to know…” He cleared his throat a couple of times. “Do you love me?” he asked quietly. His hooded eyes opened widely, his stare locked with mine to assess my reaction.

  My heart rate accelerated, and the butterflies turned into a massive swarm. I smiled warmly at him, “Yes. But that doesn’t change anything, Phillip.”

  He laughed a little. “But it does because I’ve learned through all of this…” he said, pointing at his leg, “… that the times we’ve been apart these past few months, that I still love you too. When I told you back during Christmas that it killed me to be away from you, I meant it.” He grabbed my hand, interlacing my fingers with his. “As bad as the wreck was, I honestly believe it happened for a reason, Courtney. God brought us back together because he knows we belong together.” He gently pulled my hand to his lips, placing a soft kiss in my palm.

  I was speechless. I was confused. I was overwhelmed.

  “Stop overthinking. Let things happen naturally. I know you feel it too. I know you feel that pull toward me, just as I feel it for you. Stop fighting it because you can’t win. Believe me. I know. I’ve tried.”

  My body went numb. My body was going through the motions without any control over my actions. Phillip’s fingers streamed through my hair, circling around the shell of my ear, teasing my lobe. His tongue moistened my lips before tasting my desire, our kiss more powerful this time than the previous two.

  Our mouths separated, leaving my lips wanting more. He continued kissing a trail from my cheek up to my ear. “Don’t think, just feel,” he whispered almost inaudibly, his lips brushing against my neck below my ear.

  Unable to think, my head was buzzing from a high. My body tingled everywhere he touched me. Reveling in the intoxicating euphoria he brought over my body, I hadn’t even notice he had unbuttoned my blouse or unclasped my bra. It wasn’t until I felt his hot breath against my breast, followed by his cool tongue circling my small bud and deepening my arousal, that I became aware of his actions. It was all so surreal. I had never felt this way before with Phillip. He has never tended to my wants and needs in the past. But this time was different, this time he was showing me the true love I always sought from him. Right now, at this moment, I knew his words of love were real. I could feel it.

  Rising to my knees, I hastily jerked my blouse and bra the rest of the way off, tossing them onto the floor. Phillip had already removed his t-shirt, and lay on the bed wearing only his sweat pants. The string was untied and the band around his hips hung loosely. Closing my eyes, I inhaled a deep breath. There was no need for me to look at him. I could still remember exactly how he looked. I had memorized every curve, every groove, every freckle, every scar, the little birthmark that rested right along his rib, and the light trail of hair that led to his most treasured piece.

  Slowly, I opened my eyes, finding that he was unbuttoning my jeans. Remaining still on my knees, I allowed him to take over my body. He tugged my jeans and panties down as far as he could reach, and without any hesitation, I finished the process for him.

  Sucking in a deep breath, he slowly exhaled and spoke with passion. “God, I’ve missed that perfect body of yours,” he moaned as his hands easily gripped my waist and placed me on top of him.

  “Phillip, I don’t want to hurt you. What about your leg?” I warned.

  He chuckled in response, “Court, my leg is the least of my worries right now. The way you make me feel is too good to hurt anything else.”

  Now straddling his waist, he pulled me closer, placing his mouth on my breast, and flicking my firm nipple with his tongue. His other hand ran over my waist before cupping my breast, massaging tenderly. I wanted to touch him, I needed to touch him. Reaching around behind me, I found the firmness I was searching for, a shot of heat running through my core causing it to tingle with hunger.

  Neither one of us could wait any longer. All foreplay had disappeared as we became ravenous for one another. Phillip grabbed both sides of my bottom, pulling me to him to devour my mouth. His hands worked behind me to release himself from the only piece of clothing left between us. He maneuvered me around smoothly, positioning me in the perfect location to bring us both pleasure. My breath hitched, and Phillip let out a loud moan as he leisurely pulled me down onto him. The sensation was intense. It felt so different than any time before. Better. I hovered over Phillip, picking up a continuous rhythm. His hands skimmed up my waist until they reached the underside of my breast, squeezing gingerly each time I pushed him further into me.

  Our eyes locked into place, the brown of his and the green of mine combining into one, creating an abundant color of nature as we acted like primal beasts. “Court… I’m not far… when I say off… you’ve got to move… fast,” he choked out breathlessly. Speeding up my movements, I began to feel a strange, but lavishing, sensation that I had never experienced before. “Off!” Phillip spat out. I didn’t want to get off, I wanted to continue. I wanted to experience this strange but wonderful madness growing within my core. “Dammit, get off!” Phillip yelled.

  The next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor and the corner of my head was throbbing. I couldn’t rationalize what just took place. Reaching up to rub my head, I felt something wet. I pulled my fingers away, seeing blood on the tips. Looking down at myself, I noticed I was completely naked. I scurried up, crawling around on the floor to gather my clothes. What had happened right before I was knocked unconscious started flooding back into my memory. I felt sick. Still dazed, I looked around me, trying to determine what I hit my head on. I could only assume it was the night stand. I rummaged through my clothes putting them back on quickly. Surges of pain shot through my head with every sudden movement I made.

  Once I completed the task of dressing myself. Slowly, I pulled myself up onto the bed. Phillip lay on the bed with his arms folded behind his head. I was puzzled. Why was he laying there so relaxed while I was injured, struggling to put the pieces back together?

  He glared at me and laughed. “You stupid fuckin’ bitch,” he sneered, his head shaking at me like I’m an idiot. “You thought you won this little game didn’t you?” he pushed himself up into a sitting position, resting his back against the head board. “Well guess what, Jeanette? Checkmate. I fucked you over good this time. Literally.” His laugh was frightening me. He sounded like a mad person.

  Feeling like a fool, tears began welling in my eyes. I didn’t want to appear weak, but I couldn’t stop them from forming.

  “Go figure, you’re gonna start crying like the little bitch you are,” he scorned, rolling his eyes. “Did you seriously think I meant all those things I told you?”

  I stood still, not able to speak. If I opened my mouth, I knew my terror and sorrow would take over. My heart was pounding, beating against my chest. As I felt the onslaught of a panic attack, I knew I had to do something quick to fight it back. I couldn’t let myself become vulnerable once again.

  “When you said you wished it were you that got the broken leg, well, guess what, I wished it was you too. I don’t deserve to be lying here, unable to hang out with my friends, party with the girls, or play basketball,” he gritted the last bit at me. “You ruined my fucking life, and I will hate you forever for it!” he screamed, emphasizing the word hate at me, causing my body to shudder. “Stay away from me and my family. And you especially better stay away from my dad. You two are so fucking creepy the way you make over each other. If I didn’t know any better, I would think you’re in love with him.”

  Poison fell out of his mouth with each word and slur he threw at me.

  “
Mark my words—you will never make me look like a fool in front of anyone in this town ever again. If you ever do, you’ll suffer the consequences far greater than what you experienced today.” His neck veins became engorged, his face turned a bright shade of red, and his nostrils flared with each noisy breath he took.

  As he spat malicious words at me, anger began to mold my heart, turning it cold. The fear and hurt that I felt before was rapidly boiling, turning into rage. Angry tears started spilling from my eyes. I didn’t care anymore. I wasn’t afraid at this moment. I had finally had enough—the bullying, the possessiveness, the anxiety, the manipulating. It wasn’t going to control me anymore… he wasn’t going to control me anymore. “Keep on with your threats you worthless piece of shit.” I pointed my finger at him, unable to control the shaking madness that infringed every nerve ending in my body. “Is that all you can do? Bully a girl? I’d like to see you grow some balls for once in your life and face a man. But you’re not a man are you, Phillip? No, you’re still just a young, little boy, and you got the dick to prove it.” I mocked.

  “I don’t recall you saying that when you were riding me like a stallion. If I remember correctly, you were squeezing your eyes shut tight, biting your lip because I was pumping you full,” he said with one hundred percent pride.

  “Don’t threaten me, Phillip. I do have the upper hand at this moment. Remember, you are the one crippled here, not me.” I didn’t give him time to lash cruel words at me again. After walking out of his bedroom, I braced myself against the wall in the hallway. I released a shattering breath. My anger was dissipating, and the pain in my heart resurfaced. I ran downstairs. I had to get away from him, from here. He started shouting profanities at me, telling me I was a whore, saying my mom was a thief and for me not to steal anything on my way out. I wanted to yell at him and tell him his mother was the thief, but I didn’t want to waste another breath on him. I just wanted to escape from the hell I was in. As soon as I slammed the door behind me, I fell to the ground, releasing the sobs that invaded my chest.

  It hurt. God, it hurt so much. It hurt the most because I had loved him. And he’d just proven to me that he didn’t love me back… at all. I grabbed a handful of newly grown grass, yanking it from the cool dirt in frustration. I questioned if he ever did. I felt so hollow inside. My chest ached. My heart bled with every beat it took. I was crying too. Digging my phone out of my purse, I hurried and sent Kendra a quick text to come get me ASAP.

  The cut in my head started throbbing again, and the memories rushed back to me… I had been used. He’d manipulated me and turned it all into a sick joke. I hate him… but I think I love him… No, I hate him.

  Chapter 25 ~ Jaxon

  After hanging up with Reed, I didn’t immediately call Courtney. I had to make sure I had all my shit together the way I wanted it before making the attempt. Fishing for more information, I texted Kendra a few times hoping she would be more helpful than Reed.

  A week later, she became a lot more helpful.

  The yawns wouldn’t stop rolling on this particular morning. Tending to business this early wasn’t something I was used to. Troy normally handled this part of the business, but was unable to do so this day. The live estrogen I heard making obscene noises on the other side of our phone conversation probably had something to do with it. Crazy bastard. Knowing him, he had more than one girl in there at the time.

  As I waited for the delivery guy to show up, I got bored. I strode over to the stage area to visit my favorite piece of instrument, my baby grand. I pulled the stool out, flipped the cover up, and skimmed my fingertips along the sleek, ivory keys. Settling down onto the stool, I began pondering over what tune I wanted to surprise the crowd with this evening. I jumped around from note to note playing with a few melodies I had been practicing. Getting lost in music was my muse. Sometimes, it was my nightmare.

  Not until my phone buzzed did I realize what song I was playing—‘Untitled’ by Simple Plan. It was always the same damn song that haunted me, that took over when I gave myself to my music, when I didn’t have control of my emotions. I always went back to that day… that time. My chest tightened and my throat closed in, clamping down around the lump of pain in my throat. Still, after four years, the open wound in my heart was still as fresh as it was the day I got the call from Heather’s mom telling me she was dead. Would it ever subside? Would I ever be able to escape that song? Would that open wound ever scab over? I wondered if Courtney was my salvation, if she would be the one to save me from all the torment that stirred in my empty soul.

  Glancing down at my phone, the lump in my throat began to dissolve when I noticed Kendra’s name flash across the screen. I opened the text with hopes of some good news.

  K: Hey Jax! This time difference sucks!

  Her disposition made me smile. Reed liked to complain about the same thing, too.

  K: I need ur help.

  Me: Sure, what is it?

  K: After a ton of begging & promises from Reed, I finally agreed 2 come with him 2 visit u, but I can’t convince Court 2 come with me.

  Another text popped up before she gave me a chance to respond to the last one.

  K: She’s been super depressed lately & I can’t convince her 2 leave her house. HELP!?

  I was not one to talk on the phone, but I needed to know more than a few words from a text message. So, having no choice, I called Kendra.

  “What’s going on with Courtney?” I blurted out before she even had a chance to say ‘hi.’

  Kendra breathed a heavy sigh into the phone. “Oh my gosh, Jaxon, it is sooo bad. She’s not eating, and she sleeps all the time. She goes through the motions of the day without knowing she’s in the world. I think a little getaway would cheer her up, but she won’t do it. I’ve begged her and begged her, but she won’t budge. I don’t know what else to do, that’s why I texted you.”

  I chuckled. “So, you contact me?” My head shook at her ignorance. “Kendra, you do realize we’ve not talked since before her car accident, right?"

  “Yes, I know, and that’s why she won’t go. She says you want nothing to do with her, and that you were just being nice while you had to.”

  “I had to? What the hell? I texted her right after you told me about the wreck, then I texted her several more times after that, but I never got one damn reply back, so I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about.”

  Pulling my phone away from my ear, I checked her number. I repeated it to Kendra, just to make sure.

  “Yes, that’s her number,” she responded. “How strange.”

  “Yes, very strange. Either she’s lying to avoid me, or somebody’s screwing with her phone.” The name Phillip popped into my head, but I wasn’t about to make any accusations until I talked to Courtney myself. “I swear Kendra, I think too much of Courtney to play with her feelings like that. Despite whatever Reed might’ve told you about me, I’m not always a player.” It was a good thing, too, that Reed and I lost touch for some time because the less people knew about my mayhem years, the better off things would be for me, and with Courtney.

  “I know, Jaxon, I can tell she’s more than a convenient lay to you.” Silence settled over the phone for a moment. If Kendra only knew how true that statement was. “So… will you help me out? Please?”

  I should’ve told her begging wasn’t necessary. I wanted Courtney out here just as much, if not more, than she did.

  “Sure, but what about her mom, and what is Phillip going to say about it? I know those two are back together, so don’t pretend they’re not.” It sickened me to believe that she went back to that piece of shit.

  “Her mom is no problem. I’ve already talked to her about this, and she’s willing to do about anything at this point just to get her back to normal again. As for Phillip… well, they’re no longer together. That’s kind of why she’s in this funk. They had a big fight, and he was very nasty, saying malicious things to her. I promise you, they are done like a turkey on Thanksgiving.
”

  I shook my head. It pissed me off a little that she blew me off just to appease that asshole again.

  “I’ll call her. Just tell her to make sure she answers her phone this time.”

  “She will, don’t worry. I’ll also tell her you’ve been trying to get in touch with her, so she won’t think I’m bull-shitting her. I gotta go, thanks again, Jaxon. Bye.” Kendra disconnected the call before giving me a chance to let her know I was planning on covering the costs for the plane tickets.

  Not wanting to waste any more time, I called Courtney as soon as Kendra ended the phone call. My heart rate quickened with each ring. By the third ring, Courtney finally picked up. “If this is a charity call, don’t bother.”

  Her opening line made me chuckle. Her sweet, southern accent calmed my nervous jitters. I laughed inwardly at myself, trying to remember the last time I actually got nervous over anything. Damn, this girl.

  “Well, hi to you, too, Sweet Cheeks. It’s so nice of you to display that southern hospitality I miss so much. Not to mention you actually answered your phone.”

  “Look, I know Kendra called you, so if you’re doing this as a favor to her, then do me a favor and hang up now.”

  Wow, I wasn’t expecting the bitter tone she used to snap at me. Bitter or not though, just talking to her made me want her here with me more than I’d expected.

  “And what do you mean answer my phone? I always answer my phone. Maybe you need to learn how to call and text people.” Feisty… I liked that. I was finding this new little side of Courtney hot.

  “By the way, thanks for calling to check on me after getting t-boned by a big-ass dually. Good thing I wasn’t on my death bed, huh?”