“Are you all right?” Kilan asked, unable to stay silent a moment longer.
“Depends what you mean by all right.” Antal paused. “I just…moved the wrong way.”
Kilan had scouted for the most comfortable spot to lie. Before settling down for the night, they’d managed to bathe Antal’s ankle in icy water prior to binding it again, but clearly he still suffered considerable pain. They’d also shared one of the food bars and drank their fill of water. After some consideration, Antal had surmised that the flow of water trickled down through the rocks, creating a sort of underground stream that led in the right direction to the glade. There it most likely fed the waterfall into the pool. The water was clean, safe enough to drink.
After they’d found a suitable place to rest and water to drink, all that remained was to work out the sleeping arrangements. This proved awkward. Finally Kilan had suggested Antal use him for a pillow and lie on his side, resting his bad leg against his good. By the comet, Antal could lie on top of him if he wanted, and Kilan’s thinking had nothing to do with sex; he couldn’t free himself from the guilt that it was his fault Antal was hurt. If only Antal could rest. They lay in darkness under the blanket. Sleep, however, eluded them.
“Why did you pack lubricating oil?” Antal asked.
Kilan blinked his eyes open even though there was nothing to see. He found the pitch-blackness alarming, so he quickly closed his eyes again. He longed to summon light but resisted, telling himself it was better to conserve his strength. A certain weight to the atmosphere was really his being aware that Antal awaited an answer, as well as the small matter of having the other man so close to him. His thinking shifted from guilt to the fact that he lay here…with Antal…the other man not wearing much…pressed tightly against him.
“Were you going to make use of the statue too?”
Although something in Antal’s tone suggested he teased, Kilan barked out, “No!” It occurred to him that he sounded overly defensive, but Antal had shocked the denial out of him.
“No. I’m the only one who is idiot enough to do that.” Antal sounded weary.
“It’s not idiotic…if you enjoyed it.” He believed that and didn’t want Antal to entertain the idea that he thought less of him. He couldn’t imagine anything Antal would do that would make him think less of the young guard.
“I might have done, if I hadn’t been so rudely interrupted.”
Oh…yes, there was that. “Sorry about that.”
“You don’t sound sorry.”
“But I am,” Kilan protested, aware his voice was a little shrill but wanting Antal to believe him. “I…” Kilan hesitated. Cheeks burning, knowing he had no one but himself to blame for this mess, he confessed. “I’m not sorry I saw, but I am sorry I disturbed you.” At least the little girl trill had disappeared from his voice. He snatched at the first impersonal thought that flittered into his mind. “How did you know I was there, anyway? It felt so peculiar. It was as if I sensed you saw me, as if you were standing in front of me.”
A short silence preceded Antal’s reply. “That’s uncanny because to me it felt as if I flew across the clearing, or at least my vision did. I just suddenly saw you. Knew you were there. Why did you follow me?” If Antal cared to figure out the cause, clearly he wasn’t going to let what had happened distract him from his main line of inquiry. “Did you want to fuck me?”
Kilan swallowed, trying to breathe steadily. His breath threatened to hitch in his chest. “Are you always so blunt?”
“Not usually, but then I’m not usually stuck in a cold cave in the dark. You’re the only warm thing here.” Antal shifted in against him, lifting his head. His breath puffed a little against Kilan’s neck.
“Besides you,” Kilan murmured. “You’re warm too.” Against his neck, Antal’s lips curved so that he knew the guard smiled.
“True,” Antal said just before placing a kiss against Kilan’s pulse.
Kilan squirmed, not knowing how to react and struck by surprise, only freezing when Antal hissed in pain. That sound of suffering encompassed Kilan’s whole being. “Sorry,” he said. “You surprised me.” He’d shifted, and the movement had hurt Antal’s ankle. Kilan had never been casual concerning pain, but for once in his life, he’d have gladly suffered in Antal’s place, taken the pain into himself, if he could. That idea led his thoughts to the comet and whether he could do something with it to help.
“I’m doing fine,” Antal replied, although the strain in his voice indicated otherwise. “I thought it was what you wanted.”
The sudden statement once more tugged Kilan’s thoughts and emotions back in the other direction. “A kiss?” Did Antal believe he wanted a kiss? Well, maybe he did but…
“Would you refuse?”
Kilan laughed. Words escaped him. Of all the questions he didn’t know how to answer, that one was high on the list. Antal waited. “I…I don’t know,” he finally replied. He felt torn, wanting to know what Antal was thinking and yet…not daring to hope. “You…You’re teasing me. You’ve never felt that way about me.”
“How do you know what I’ve felt?”
“I think it’s safe to assume you find me irritating. It’s fine,” Kilan added. “I irritate many people.” Against his neck, Antal sighed. Kilan wanted to hear Antal sigh for other reasons.
“Part of me is angry with you. You shouldn’t have followed me. You shouldn’t have shirked your duties. Another part of me is having fun. Part of me can’t resist taking this as far as you’ll let me. You’re right, and I want to tease you, but I’m too tired for it. You’d be almost too easy to tease right here, right now.”
An objection rose in Kilan’s mind, and then he silently conceded. The mere thought of Antal offering what he wanted… Yes, Antal could tease him with that all too easily. As to the rest, why did Antal have to remind him of responsibility, of duty? That was the last thing he wanted to think about right now.
“In truth, although you are irritating, I find your forthrightness endearing.” Antal clearly chose the word carefully. “You need to know when to hold back, though. You need to think more of consequences, of your actions, of how others will feel.”
“Which is boring.” The moment he said it, Kilan wanted to take it back. He couldn’t see Antal complaining if he found something boring; he couldn’t see him appreciating someone else who did. “I mean, I don’t mean to be thoughtless,” he added quickly. “I’m not uncaring. It’s just that what I want always seems to take precedence, and then by the time I stop to think…”
“It’s too late,” Antal finished for him.
Kilan nodded, certain Antal would feel the movement, wondering if he understood. So often Kilan felt as if no one understood him. Only Markis came close.
“That behavior was fine when you were an adolescent, but not now.”
Maybe that was true, but Kilan couldn’t stand hearing it. “If you remind me I’m a prince, so help me…” He couldn’t finish.
“I’m not going to remind you of your position. Others do that ten times a day. Just as they remind me, even if indirectly.”
Kilan considered that. Antal felt the weight of responsibility? Although Ryanac had told Antal that he had earned respect and no longer needed to prove himself, Kilan had thought that was obvious. The idea that Antal could feel insecure proved interesting. Nervously Kilan professed, “Ryanac seems to think we have much in common.”
“Like what?”
At least Antal didn’t sound annoyed by the idea as Kilan had feared.
“Don’t you know?”
Antal appeared to consider it. “You mean impossible goals that we set ourselves, self-imposed expectations?”
“I…guess that’s what Ryanac was saying. He said we both lack faith in ourselves.” Kilan paused. Lying there in the dark, he felt adrift. His body and mind had no anchor. He wasn’t sure what he was saying but edged toward understanding. “I hadn’t even seen the similarity.”
“You wouldn’t beca
use you were too busy thinking of your own needs.”
That comment brought him pain and a little anger, but mostly Kilan felt bitter because he couldn’t deny it. “Do you think me selfish?” Kilan asked. He felt shocked Antal hadn’t denied they had anything in common.
“A little. Not entirely. Not maliciously.” Even as he spoke, Antal moved. Kilan was turning his head in response. He didn’t know why; just as Antal moved in, it felt natural to turn to him. In the darkness, he felt the press of Antal’s lips against his more acutely.
The kiss felt chaste but somehow demanding. He gave into it because…really his dream had come true even though he feared Antal’s reasons for kissing him. When they broke apart, Kilan asked, “What was that?”
“It’s called a kiss.”
He could tell Antal was smiling by the light teasing tone of his voice. “I mean, what was it for?” He had to know even though he didn’t want to ask.
“An experiment.”
“Experiment?”
“To see if I liked it.”
Kilan swallowed, wished he hadn’t. Surely Antal had heard that? He had to take a moment before he could force himself to speak. “An-and did you?” He tried not to sound hopeful but was sure that he did anyway.
“I liked it enough.”
“Enough?” He didn’t know whether to feel insulted.
“Enough to see what else I might like.” Antal started to trail his lips along the side of Kilan’s face. The gentle caress tickled, but Kilan found it oddly arousing. He held his breath, unused to responding to such gentleness. “What do you like?” Antal whispered upon reaching Kilan’s ear and then nibbling it. The sharpness and heat of Antal’s lips and teeth made him dip his head a little even though he liked it.
“Like?” By the comet, stop repeating everything! “I always…” Kilan’s words trailed away. He didn’t know how to say it without sounding indelicate.
“Always what?” Antal’s mouth had moved on from Kilan’s ear, perhaps because he couldn’t help but twist away; his kisses grew more insistent. They were little compelling pushes against his skin. When Antal’s lips reached his, Kilan whimpered, slipping down. He opened his mouth, accepting Antal’s tongue, relishing the hot invasion of it that he had so long imagined, even though the kiss swiftly ended. Antal winced, pulling back, cursing.
“That was my fault,” both of them said in unison. Antal laughed gently, though the sound tightened with pain.
This isn’t going to happen because of Antal’s injury. An injury I caused. Kilan could have screamed with frustration alone. Without thinking, he seized the comet, though in truth it didn’t take any seizing. It came to him readily. This time, soft light emanated not from his hand but from the walls around them. He witnessed Antal blinking his eyes in surprise. Hiding his own amazement, pushing away the intimacy that had so recently existed between them, Kilan turned his attention to the bound ankle. Freeing himself from Antal’s side, Kilan knelt at his feet. He lifted Antal’s injured foot and settled it across one knee, ignoring Antal hissing between his teeth.
“Hush,” he instructed, not even sure why. His commanding voice surprised him, but he ignored that too. For once Kilan let the comet lead. He fed it with his need, and the comet responded. Tearing the crude binding from Antal’s ankle, Kilan also ignored the urge to wince at the sight of the dark bruising that marred the otherwise perfect skin. If Antal hadn’t broken his ankle, he’d done the next best thing.
Settling one hand beneath the heel, one above the ankle, he effectively cupped the limb. Closing his eyes, he bowed his head.
Questions lay on the tip of Antal’s tongue, but he remained silent. Kilan’s concentration was palpable. Although he realized what Kilan was attempting, the last time the comet’s power had healed him, he’d been unconscious. His awareness of it was a very peculiar feeling. Ice and heat prickled through his skin, seeping into his flesh. It felt pleasant and yet hurt all at once. Despite the rather disagreeable sensation, other things concerned him more, even more than the question of what he was doing flirting with the young prince while trapped and injured in a hole in the ground. Had Markis taught Kilan how to use the power for healing? If so, how much practice did he have? Equally afraid to let Kilan continue as he was to interrupt him, Antal dithered. By the time he’d decided he should say something, Kilan was raising his head. The prince fell back, gasping.
“There,” he said, sounding as surprised as Antal felt.
Antal flexed his foot. His ankle was whole again, the bruising faded, the swelling diminished. Kilan had actually managed to heal him! “When did you learn to do that?”
“Just now.”
Antal stared at Kilan, wide-eyed. The prince had to be joking, but Antal could tell he wasn’t. It seemed a little late to feel angry, but Antal couldn’t ignore the thought that flashed through his mind: What if he’s made a mistake? He pushed the thought away. His ankle felt fine, and someone had to have confidence in you before that confidence could grow. He chose to trust Kilan. “I thought the comet could only help to cure unnatural injuries.”
“What do you mean by unnatural?”
“Well…” Antal hesitated. “How much has Markis taught you?”
“I know how to connect to the comet to heal, but I’ve never tried it.” Kilan at least sounded a little apologetic. “Markis told me it requires a lot of effort, and that’s why we have to keep it a secret.” Kilan’s expression became defensive. “I’m not an idiot. I do realize that if this were public knowledge, more people than we could possibly heal would come from miles around, even from other places. It would result in chaos. I know Markis healed you, so I didn’t have to worry about keeping it secret from you.”
“It’s not that,” Antal explained. “It’s that it tends to heal the type of injuries caused by the unscrupulous. Injuries caused by weapons, poisoning.” He shrugged. “I would have thought a sprained ankle, no matter how bad, was more of a natural injury. According to the little information Markis told me, the comet would consider it an injury that would heal in its own good time, so it wouldn’t bother helping.”
Kilan sat quietly. At last he said, “I knew that. Markis told me. Of course he did. I just…wasn’t thinking. I just…forgot. I felt” -- he laughed softly -- “responsible for your injury and fed my need into the comet.” He sounded a little shocked and astonished by the revelation. His gaze turned studious. He held out a hand, fingers hovering a little above Antal’s skin. Antal looked at the hand, waiting for Kilan to touch him, but he didn’t. When next he spoke, Kilan’s voice had taken on a lighter, slightly dreamy tone, ponderous.
“I can still feel the spark in you. As someone who can touch the power, I can feel that Markis has touched you with it. It’s as if the comet knows you in some way. It…wanted you healed, and I just suddenly knew I could do it.” He gazed around the cavern as if searching. “I’m not sure why. This place…” His voice contained wonderment. “The power is easier to access here. It’s as if here, it wants me to connect with it.” Kilan stared back at him with an equal measure of fascination and shock in his eyes. “You said it was as if your vision flew across the clearing. You suddenly knew I was there?”
Antal nodded.
“Markis has said things about the comet behaving like that for him. Maybe because he healed you, and maybe if the power is easy to access here, that’s why you sensed me. But if that…”
It finally occurred to Antal where Kilan’s thoughts were leading. If the prince found the power easier to access here, then maybe the comet was close by. It couldn’t be, but if the statue was part of the comet, no wonder the legend spoke of Lewi being everywhere, a part of every emotion and physical act of love. The comet had sentience; he’d heard Markis and Kilan both say that. They didn’t know why, but both had spoken of the comet’s awareness. “The statue.” Antal breathed out the words, hardly daring to give the idea voice. “You don’t suppose…” He let the words trail away as Kilan shrugged. That shrug seemed a litt
le too nonchalant under the circumstances, but he felt certain Kilan was just as stunned.
“If that’s actually part of the comet, wouldn’t we know it?” His voice full of wonder, Kilan turned his head as if he could stare up through several tons of rock to the surface.
Antal stared at his ankle. He couldn’t decide what he found more disturbing -- the idea that the power had worked within him or that he might have had sex with part of the actual comet.
Chapter Ten
“So the thing we were talking about before I healed you,” Kilan murmured. They had taken a while to settle down, finally giving in to fatigue. Kilan hadn’t said a word about what had happened previously. Kilan felt and Antal certainly seemed a little staggered by the idea of the statue being the comet. Kilan felt equally astounded by his having healed Antal so easily that he’d let everything else slip away. Even so, their sleep was intermittent, interrupted by swirling thoughts regarding the comet, and at least on Kilan’s part, sex. They had been kissing and caressing, hadn’t they? Finally, Kilan could stand it no longer. Now he waited for what was only a few seconds but felt like an eternity for Antal to answer.
“So you do want to have sex?” Merriment warmed Antal’s voice.
“It would pass the time,” Kilan suggested. With luck, that would also indicate that he wasn’t interested in anything serious, which he wasn’t…not really, and at least it would make it seem as if he didn’t care when…
When Antal breaks your heart as he’s bound to do.
Kilan closed his eyes. No no no. One’s heart couldn’t break when all you wanted was --
“So you just want a little entertainment? Nothing that carries on as soon as morning comes?” Antal spoke, practically finishing Kilan’s thoughts.
A Swithin Spin: A Princely Passion Page 12
