Brothers in Blue: Matt

by Jeanne St. James

  “I told Max that you’re a lucky woman.”

  The other woman snorted, swiping at flour on her apron. “And did he pass out laughing?”

  “No, he said he was the lucky one.”

  She paused with a measuring cup hovering over the huge stainless-steel mixing bowl. Then she glanced over at the baby in Carly’s arms. “Fuck, I love that man,” she whispered.

  “And it’s evident,” Carly told her.

  “You want kids?” she asked, dumping cup after cup of flour into the bowl causing a dust cloud to rise.

  “Yes. But I can’t…” Carly’s voice drifted off.

  “Can’t what?”

  “Have any.”

  Amanda turned toward her in surprise. “Damn.” She wiped the back of her hand across her forehead, leaving a streak of flour across her skin in its wake. “I’d ask why not, however, I don’t think it matters. Though, that may be a good thing for the two of you since Matt has this…problem…with kids…or babies, apparently. Or who the hell knows what. You should’ve seen him when I asked him to hold Hannah a month ago.”

  “And did he?”

  “Yeah, but not until I forced him. Max said he totally freaked out, like went into some sort of panic mode or something. That was the afternoon that we walked out and heard him screaming like a banshee in the parking lot. He smashed his phone too. It was crazy. You should have seen the look on his face. It was like he saw a ghost. That’s why Max sent him home. He couldn’t go on patrol in the state we found him in.”

  Carly thought back to that nonsensical phone call. The one where she admitted she loved him. Now it all made sense…sort of. She frowned. No wonder he had been babbling on about not having babies.

  “So, there you go; it’s a perfect match. You can’t have babies and Matt doesn’t want any. You only have to deal with his other…issues.”

  “Yes, but I want—”

  The back door to the bakery abruptly opened and Carly squinted at the silhouette in the doorway. Her breath caught as she slid to her feet. Amanda moved quickly to her, gently taking Hannah from her arms.

  Matt’s eyes flicked from Carly, to Hannah, then back to Carly.

  It had been a whole month with no word and then he just showed up? Like nothing.

  “Is someone going to say something?” Amanda asked, placing Hannah in her carrier. “Or are we all just going to stare at each other in uncomfortable silence?”

  Matt met Carly’s gaze and held it, causing the little hairs on the back of her neck to stand up. Something was different about him. He looked thinner in the face, yet his eyes seemed clearer.

  “We need to talk,” he said, his voice low and deep, but emotionless.

  Amanda groaned loudly. “That’s like the worse sentence ever in history. You couldn’t approach it in a different manner?”

  Matt ignored her, waiting for Carly’s response. Whether that would be her telling him to go to hell, or she could follow him out the door to have a discussion. Right now, it remained a toss-up between the two. Her heart told her she should listen to what he had to say. Her head said to tell him to go take a long walk off a short pier. However, her body decided for her as she stepped forward and out the door into the daylight.

  “Good luck,” Amanda murmured to her as she closed the bakery door behind them.

  Then they were alone.

  “Follow me,” he said. When she hesitated, he added, “Please.”

  With a nod, she walked behind him a short distance to the barn next to the bakery. He unlatched the door and waited for her to step inside. When she did, he entered the dim interior and latched the door behind him.

  He stood facing the entrance for a few moments, his back to her. Then his body heaved and he turned to face her.

  He opened his mouth and she cut him off. “If you say you’re sorry one more time, I will scream. Don’t say it.”

  He closed his mouth abruptly and nodded. Wandering over to a large pile of loose straw, he stared at it for a second, then headed to a beat-up metal cabinet. He grabbed what looked like an old blanket and spread it over the pile.

  If she didn’t know better, she’d think they were having a romantic picnic.

  But this wasn’t going to be romantic or a picnic.

  “I know you don’t owe me any answers, but I’m asking anyway… Where have you been?”

  He extended his hand to her and she stood staring at it for a moment before ignoring it and moving past him to settle on the blanket. That’s what he wanted, right? For her to sit? She could do it well enough on her own.

  With a sigh, he settled next to her with his legs bent, his forearms crossed and propped on his knees. He pressed his forehead to his arms, staring down between his thighs.

  “I went away,” he murmured.

  Carly flung her arms out in frustration. “No shit. Why am I here if you’re not going to talk to me?”

  “I need to talk to you,” he said, quietly.

  She looked at him carefully. “So talk.”

  He lifted his head, staring forward. “I went into an inpatient program.”

  “What kind of program?”

  “For vets with PTSD.”

  “Did Max make you do it?”

  He shook his head and then finally turned to meet her gaze. “No. I signed myself in.”

  Her heart seized at his admission. She blinked quickly, wishing away the sudden burn in her eyes. “Is Max going to fire you?”

  “I hope not.”

  Carly hoped not either. The man needed a purpose in life and if you took that away, he might have nothing left.

  “You could have told me,” she said.

  “I was going to…”

  “But you didn’t.” She lifted her palm. “Don’t apologize, damn it.”

  He chuckled softly and tucked his head. “Okay, I won’t.”

  Carly studied his face when he laughed, the way his eyes came alive, the way the skin crinkled at the corners, the lift of his lips. Her heart melted and, in that moment, she sank deeper in love with him.

  This was who he was. He was not his PTSD. He was not his OCD. Those issues did not define him as a man. His laughter, his love, his caring about others above himself was what made him who he was. This was who she fell in love with. When she got those glimpses of the real Matt, however brief they were, that was the part of him she loved the most.

  She placed a hand on his arm, their first contact since he disappeared for the second time. “Did it help?”

  “I think so.”

  “But you’re not sure?”

  “No. To stay the full thirty days, they required me to take the medication I’ve been avoiding. I think it’s helping.”

  “It’s not a weakness to take medication, Matt. Sometimes it’s just a helping hand. A step in the right direction.”

  “Yeah,” he said, suddenly grim again. He turned to face her once more. “You want to hear some truth?”

  She held her breath and nodded.

  “I began to panic when I got home earlier and you weren’t there. I thought you left. I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

  “I’m not the one who disappears, Matt.”

  He closed his eyes and nodded, swallowing hard. “I deserved that.”

  “Someone telling you they love you shouldn’t make you freak out like that.”

  “You can’t.”

  “I can’t what?”

  “Love me.”

  “But I do love you, Matt. Why can’t you accept that?”

  He winced. “You can’t. You promised.”

  He thought it was that simple. Carly wanted to laugh, but she didn’t. “You can’t tell me I can’t love you. It doesn’t work that way.”

  “It has to work that way.” He hesitated, then whispered, “Because I can’t love you back.”

  She released a loud sigh. “I know. But I never promised not to fall in love with you,” she claimed. “I only promised I wouldn’t ask for anything more than what you’re will
ing to give.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  She paused. This was not the first time he’d mentioned that. “Are you talking physically or emotionally?”

  “Both.”

  “You won't hurt me physically.” She knew that for sure. Emotionally might be a different story.

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Yes, Matt. I do. I have no fear of you. I can see who you are deep down inside. Even if you can’t.”

  “You hardly know me,” he insisted.

  Carly raised her eyebrows, then pinned them in frustration. She knew him well enough. Maybe he didn’t believe it and she refused to argue the point. “You’re right. However, even in the short time we’ve known each other and spent time together, I can see you more clearly than you can see yourself.”

  “I’m hopeless.”

  For a second she didn’t know what to say to that. “Is that what they told you in the program?”

  “No.”

  “Then it’s untrue. And, anyway, don’t think like that. You have so much to give. Consider what you can do for your community, not only as a citizen, but as a police officer. It’s in your blood to serve.” She moved to kneel in front of him, making sure he couldn’t avoid her eyes. “You know what, Matt? You think you’re broken. Well, I’m broken too.” She laid a hand on her lower stomach. “This womb will never bear any children.” She cupped both breasts. “These will never feed a newborn. We both have to deal with what life handed us. Like it or not.”

  “I’m sorry you’ll never have children.”

  Carly let out a little screech.

  Matt lifted his hands in surrender and winced. “I’m sorry for apologizing. Oh fuck! Sorry.” He grimaced then started laughing. He let out a great big belly laugh and fell back onto the blanket.

  For a moment, Carly thought he might need his meds adjusted. Even so, she couldn’t help but smile, then join in. His laughter became infectious. “You’re such an asshole!” she yelled at him between the laughter.

  He held onto his stomach as his body hiccupped with each uncontrollable chuckle. “I’m sorry for being an asshole.” He laughed even harder, almost wheezing.

  “You should be!” With a chuckle, she fell on top of him, hugging him tight.

  “I’m sorry for disappearing.” His laughter quickly faded. He brushed the hair out of her face and cupped her cheek, staring deep into her eyes. “I’m sorry for being incapable of loving you back.” His deep voice became reduced to barely a whisper. “I’m sorry you fell in love with someone like me.” He tucked a long strand of hair behind her ear. “Because you deserve so much better.” His last words were spoken against her lips.

  She pulled away just a breadth. “Don’t underestimate yourself, Matt.”

  He quickly rolled until he had her pinned underneath him. “I’ll tell you this. I’ll try to be a better man. I promise to take my meds and go to therapy. And then one day…one day I may deserve that love of yours.”

  “You have to promise me you’ll never disappear again. No matter what happens you’ll stick around to work things out. You can’t get better by running away.”

  His crystal blue eyes bore into her. “This time it was for a good reason.”

  She knew that. She did. Now. But the way he went about it worried her.

  “You can always talk to me. If something is bothering you, and you need to hash it out, come to me.”

  “I don’t want to be a burden.”

  Carly shook her head. “You won’t be. If I didn’t want to do it, I wouldn’t offer.”

  “What did I do to deserve you?”

  Her lips twitched into a smile. “You’re awesome in bed.”

  His brows shot almost to his hairline. “Oh, is that it, huh?”

  “Yep.”

  “It’s just sex?” he teased, his eyes twinkling.

  “Just sex,” she confirmed.

  “Nothing more?”

  “Nah. That’s enough. That’s all you wanted, right?”

  “Yep, you naked beneath me with me deep inside you, making you squirm and cry out as you come multiple times.”

  “Oh, nothing to do with me when I’m on top? Or giving you orders? You certainly respond to my commands like a good little Marine.”

  His eyes hooded as he studied her. “I can’t seem to recall any time you’ve ordered me around.”

  “Really.”

  “Really,” he said, amusement behind his heavy-lidded eyes.

  Carly couldn’t miss his hard length pushing against her thigh. It had been a month since they’ve had any physical contact. A month since they’ve held each other. A month since he’d been a part of her.

  “Maybe I need a little reminder from the dictator doctor,” he suggested.

  She whacked him in the arm. “Dictator doctor? Is that what you call me?”

  “Ever since I saw you in action that first day in the hospital.”

  “Did it turn you on, Marine?” she asked, running her palm over his hard length hidden by his jeans.

  He thrust against her hand. “It did.”

  “Hmm. Maybe you need a little reminder on how much you like it when I tell you what to do.”

  “I’m very forgetful.”

  She pushed up away from him to straddle his waist and study him.

  He reached up and brushed her hair back away from her face and over her shoulders. “You know how beautiful you are?” he asked, barely above a whisper. He ran a knuckle over her cheek.

  “I feel beautiful when I’m with you.” She rubbed her pelvis against him in a slow grind.

  His lips parted and a loud breath escaped. “One of my therapists said sex is good for the psyche.”

  Carly cocked one eyebrow and bit back a laugh. “Did they, huh?”

  “Uh huh. And lots of it too.”

  “Ah. Well, I wouldn’t want to go against your doctor’s order. That wouldn’t be wise.” She planted her hands on his chest and brought her lips above his.

  “No, it wouldn’t,” he murmured, staring at her mouth. “When are you getting to the bossy part?”

  Carly bit her bottom lip to keep from laughing. “Now. Are you ready?”

  “Oh yeah.”

  “Kiss me, Marine.” The command didn’t come out as strong as she intended. It ended up sounding like a sigh instead.

  “Yes, ma’am,” he said just as softly before capturing her mouth with his.

  She took control, pushing her tongue between his parted lips, exploring inside, smashing her tongue against his until they were in a little wrestling match. She worked her hips up and down on him as they kissed until he groaned into her mouth.

  He pulled away, panting. “Ma’am.”

  “Yes?”

  “Permission to get undressed?”

  “Not yet, Marine.”

  His glazed eyes darkened.

  “You have to undress me first,” she told him.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “I’m sorry. Did you address me?”

  “Yes, ma’am!” he barked loudly this time.

  “That’s better.”

  Piece by piece, he took his time removing her clothes. Her sleeveless, button-down blouse, her black capris. He slipped off her sandals, caressing her feet with his skilled fingers as he did so.

  Everything he removed he folded up neatly and placed in an orderly pile on the corner of the blanket. Carly said nothing as she watched him go through his routine. Her patience surprised her since she wanted him so badly. And it seemed like a lifetime since they’d been intimate.

  The anticipation ramped her up though. She sighed when he finally removed her bra, sliding his fingers around to cup her breasts for a moment, only for a few seconds when she wanted so much more.

  He snagged the elastic of her panties. Just once, she’d like to have a pair of sexy panties on when he undressed her. But each time with him ended up being unexpected.

  She made a mental note to throw all her cotton no-no
nsense panties in the rag bin and only buy feminine, sexy underwear. Maybe they wouldn’t be practical, but she wanted to look sexy, enticing to him.

  Not that he seemed to care what undergarments she wore.

  Finally, completely naked, he helped her back down to the blanket and sank to his knees between her feet. “I have a request, ma’am,” he said, his words clipped as if in boot camp.

  “What is your request, Marine?”

  “I would like to taste you.”

  Carly smiled and regarded the man at her feet still fully clothed. She wanted nothing more than for him to put his mouth on her. Okay, not true. She wanted so much more. Though, what he proposed sounded like a good start.

  A very good start, she thought, as he lowered himself between her legs, pressing her thighs wider.

  “May I, ma’am?”

  “You may,” she answered, her voice breaking when he didn’t wait for her permission. He slipped his tongue between her wet folds, stroking, teasing. He flicked her clit and circled it with the tip, before pressing his lips to her, sucking the sensitive nub.

  Oh yes, this man knows what he’s doing.

  All thoughts fled her brain as she cried out and lifted her hips closer to his mouth. He slid his hands underneath her ass, holding her up, and with using nothing except his oral skills, an orgasm rolled through her. Grasping the blanket with her fingers, she screamed unintelligible words, sounds, possibly his name. She might have even screamed out to a deity or two when he didn’t let up. His movements of his lips and tongue became more intense, more focused, and within seconds her pussy throbbed with another climax.

  Her clit became so sensitive after the second coming that she yelled at him to stop, clawing at his shoulders in an attempt to get him to move up and over her.

  He resisted, still lying between her legs, looking up her body, meeting her gaze. His lips were shiny from her arousal and he wore a satisfied smile.

  “So what do I taste like, Marine?”

  “Heaven. Sweet, sweet heaven.”

  He crawled up her body and before she could stop him, pressed his lips to hers. She could taste herself on his mouth, and it made her lower body throb with need.

  “May I undress now, ma’am?” he asked against her lips. Working his way slowly down her jawline, he nibbled along her skin. He kissed down her throat and then sucked at the hollow of her neck, making her squirm against him. Tucking his jean-clad knee between her legs, he pressed against her swollen and ready mound, working the rough denim in a rhythm that drove her mad. She needed him now.