Double Dirty

by Natasha L. Black

  She took a menu and scanned it, “I didn’t really eat lunch today so I’m starving.”

  “Well, you said it was a long day. You were probably too busy to get hungry,” I said.

  “Not really. I was just—not in the right frame of mind to eat anything.”

  The waiter came over and took our order. I was having coffee and pie, and Lexi was having a patty melt with bacon. Extra fries. I admired her order, making conversation.

  “I think if you’d come here and just ordered tea or a salad, I’d tell you to have some protein so you could get stronger for self-defense purposes,” I said.

  “The bacon ought to take care of that. Bacon makes you strong, right? Or was that spinach?” she joked.

  “I think it’s kale,” I said.

  “I hate kale. My supervisor at work makes kale chips at home and brings them in to share like it’s some big treat. I want to know who the joker is who came up with that idea. Like how about we bake some lettuce and see if anybody eats it?” she said.

  I laughed. She was funny. I told her how I got interested in teaching self-defense as our food arrived. Lexi nodded along with my story while taking a huge bite out of her burger. I snatched a salty fry before she could protest with her mouth full.

  “You know that’s why I want to learn that nose strike from class. So I can take down anyone who tries to steal my fries.”

  “You’re pretty protective of your carbs.”

  “Yeah, don’t try to talk keto around me. I love potatoes. And bread.”

  “Relax, I’m not trying to take away your starches.”

  “You’re a personal trainer. I figured you’d be all serious about the protein powder and the super foods.”

  “Hello. I’m eating pie,” I said, pointing to my plate.

  “Maybe you’re trying to lure me in with bait and switch. Tell me I can eat pie anytime I want as long as I follow the workouts, and then once I’ve signed up for a zillion training sessions you tell me I can only have raw blueberries and spelt.”

  “Spelt?”

  “Yeah, it’s a type of flour used for bread. I saw it on TV. It sounded healthy and boring.”

  “I’m not trying to get you to sign up for anything, don’t worry. I just think in my line of work it’s better to be safe than sorry. I wanted to check with you and see what motivated you to come to the class tonight.”

  “It’s a situation over at work. It’s been difficult before, but it got a little intense today. I thought, like you said, better safe than sorry.”

  “Is there anyone you can talk to at work? Get you out of the situation?”

  “Not really. I spoke with my supervisor. She’s great, but we’re understaffed to begin with, and now one of the other workers is out on maternity leave, so we’re spread pretty thin. I can’t just pile my case on a coworker.”

  “Are you a doctor? A PA?”

  “Social worker. I love my job, don’t get me wrong. I just—”

  “I imagine you deal with all kinds of people. Some better than others.”

  “Yeah, just like in any job, except it’s high stress to begin with, because I work for the agency that took away their kids. So, it’s hard not to be seen as the enemy.”

  “So, is this a parent?”

  “I can’t really discuss it. Privacy laws,” she said, taking a sip of water.

  “Okay, so I’ll ask the right questions, and you can just say yes or no. Did someone threaten you with physical harm?”

  “Yes.”

  “Shit. Okay. That’s a pretty clear danger. Are we talking direct threat? The person said he or she would do something physical to you?”

  “Yes. Beat my ass,” she supplied, eating a fry. She was trying to say it wryly, like it was a funny story, but her hand trembled a little.

  I wanted to hold her.

  But that would be very unprofessional. Nothing I would ever consider doing. Why had I even thought of it? The way she looked at me so determined to be calm, to seem okay. I wanted to tell her she didn’t have to act so strong, that it was okay to be scared and ask for help. I wanted to tell her that her supervisor should do something to keep her safe. Like possibly shoot the guy in both of his goddamn legs.

  I reached across the table where her hand rested beside her plate. I almost took her hand. At the last second, I swerved and stole another fry. It was a close call. I had wanted to assure her that she could trust me, that I would keep her safe as if I knew her, as if she were mine to safeguard.

  I steered the conversation into shallower waters, told her about my self-defense training, how heavy the full simulation gear is and how many nut punches I took before I admitted I needed to wear the gear. She laughed, completely at ease. It was amazing how well we got along, how easy it was to talk with her, to make each other laugh.

  When I looked at my phone, I was surprised to see that we’d been there two hours. I told her what time it was. Lexi was shocked, too.

  “You’re kidding. It’s like we just got here. I’ve been on dates where half an hour seemed way longer than this. Not that this was a date,” she said, flushing pink, seeming a little flustered.

  “No. I know exactly what you mean. This was fun. Could I walk you home? Make sure you get there safely?”

  “I drove, thanks. If you want to be extra protective though you can walk me to my car,” she said.

  We both stood up and I followed her out and down the block. She unlocked a little Toyota and got inside. She started it up and rolled down the window.

  “Thanks for tonight. I feel a little better.”

  “That’s good to hear, Lexi,” I said, saying her name just because I wanted to.

  “Hey, I’ll see you Friday at class, okay?”

  “I’ll see you then,” I said. I wanted to say something else, tell her to be careful or to lock her doors, but it seemed intrusive since we barely knew each other.

  I walked home and found my best friend Leo already there.

  “What, no fires tonight?” I said, popping a beer.

  “No. I got off early. You, on the other hand, are out late. Did one of your self-defense girls need a little one-on-one tutoring in the locker room?” he joked.

  “No, the opposite, you horn dog.”

  “The opposite as in one of the self-defense guys needed one-on-one?”

  I rolled my eyes at him, “No. There was a new girl in class. She stayed in the back and acted nervous. I wanted to make sure she was okay.”

  “By nervous do you mean hot?”

  “I mean nervous, like she was going to jump out of her skin if anyone even spoke to her.”

  “Trauma victim?”

  “Got threatened at work,” I said, sitting down beside him on the sectional.

  “Ex-boyfriend?”

  “Client.”

  “Hooker?” he asked.

  “Social worker. God, you’re a pervert. Does the Fire Chief know about your dirty mind?”

  “He and I aren’t that close,” Leo said, “plus, I like girls. What does this one look like?”

  “I dunno,” I said, setting my beer down on the table and rubbing my neck.

  “You dunno?” he laughed, “You’re acting like we’re back in high school and you think I’m after your homecoming date. Just tell me what the woman looks like.”

  “Dark hair. Big eyes like she was a lost puppy, at least at first. I swear to God, she looked like one of those woodland animals from a cartoon, all big eyes and eyelashes.”

  “A cartoon. That sounds hot,” Leo deadpanned.

  “I didn’t say she was hot.”

  “You never said she wasn’t,” he said, “So apart from the frightened bunny eyes, what else does she look like?”

  “She’s got dark hair—it was in a ponytail, but after I gave my speech about ponytails, she took it down. She’s small, but curvy. Hates keto, loves carbs. She ordered extra fries,” I said with a smile.

  “Sounds like my kind of woman there,” Leo said.


  I gave him some side-eye and drained my beer, “Whatever,” I said. I wasn’t jealous exactly. I just didn’t want Leo and his hound dog ways messing around with Lexi who already had a hard time considering the threat some client had made against her.

  “What’s her name?”

  “Lexi,” I said.

  “Like Alexandra?”

  “I dunno. She said it was Lexi.”

  “Sounds like she dots her i’s with little hearts,” he said. I shrugged.

  “I got an early session tomorrow. I better turn in.”

  “I think you don’t want to answer any more questions about Lexi. You’re acting so weird about it that she obviously got to you. You like her. Scared bunny rabbit Lexi who dots her i’s with hearts got to you,” he laughed.

  “Fine, enjoy yourself. It’s total fiction,” I said crossly.

  “You’re attracted to her. Just admit it.”

  “I am, okay? We just met. I don’t really know her. We just got along great, and I like her. And she’s attractive.”

  “There. That’s all I wanted to hear. Honesty is the best policy, Rafie,” he said with a chuckle.

  “Go ahead and laugh till you piss yourself for all I care. I have to be at the gym at six. Good night,” I said, and went to bed.

  3

  Lexi

  I had never had that much fun on a date. I mean, it wasn’t really a date. He was just my self-defense instructor who was a total gentleman and wanted to make sure I was okay. It’s not like that short-circuited all my knight in shining armor fantasies or anything. I totally didn’t think about kissing his neck, or what it would feel like to feel his stubble against my thighs. A low pull in my belly answered that thought, and I scolded myself.

  It had been so easy to talk to him. He was kind and funny, and before I knew it, I’d told him more details than I meant to about what was bothering me. But instead of telling me I was stupid to go out there to begin with, Rafe gave me all these tips about how to deal with people who were acting threatening.

  He said that a lot of self-defense was verbal and also body language, that I should look off to the guy’s shoulder and not right in his face and don’t cross my arms. Crossing my arms was a big coping mechanism for me—a comfort thing, so I’d have to work on that.

  “If someone grabs your arm, kick him in the knee. Flat with the sole of your foot, hard as you can. It’s gonna drop him. He’ll let go and you can run. That’s the idea. Get away. Don’t stay to stomp on him and kick him,” he told me. I had laughed.

  “Who would stay and stomp somebody?”

  “A criminal. Which is why you want to get away from one. Next thing is, if you’re right up against him, smash your fist right below his jaw. Vagus nerve. Hurts like hell.”

  “Good. Kick him in the knees, punch him in the head, got it,” I said.

  “No, that’s a last resort. Priority one is always to have an escape plan. Find the exits. Keep your distance. Don’t be reckless, don’t plan to punch your way out. Plan to cut and run,” Rafe said.

  I nodded, feeling better and better about going out for coffee with him. Not just because the way he looked at me made my whole body light up with tingles. Maybe I was tired and lonely. Maybe I was still freaked out by my encounter with Mr. Watts and wanted a big strong man to hold me. But I wanted him to. Once I’d thought he was reaching for my hand, but he just went for another fry. I was deflated when that happened.

  It was for the best though, because I would’ve ruined what had the potential to be a good friendship by having my first-ever one-night stand. I wasn’t the kind of person who hooked up with guys, but I was feeling vulnerable and didn’t want to be alone. If he’d given me the slightest idea that he was interested, there’s no telling what I would’ve done. I definitely would’ve let him kiss me. I probably would’ve let him come home with me, even though I’d never had a guy over to my apartment, not in the two years I’d lived there.

  I was independent and focused on my work. I wanted to help children, to help families the way no one had helped mine. It was my calling. But for the first time ever, that felt really lonesome. Sitting across from Rafe in the diner had made it seem worse, not better. I felt a stab of longing for him, for anyone really, for a man to love and to wake up with every day. It made me ache somewhere in my chest.

  His suggestions gave me something to focus on, practical strategies to protect myself next time. Even though I couldn’t take his advice.

  “Lexi, I don’t know you well enough to have any right to give you advice, but you can’t go back there. Get reassigned, demand that your supervisor sends someone else. Refuse to go there. It’s the only choice here. Nothing I can teach you is going to protect you 100% with this guy. Jesus, he said he was going to beat your ass. You have to take this seriously. Nothing against my classes, but they’re not enough, not when you’re already in danger.”

  I had thanked him for his concern, but I’d told him the truth when I said there was no other way. Janet was busy with her managerial duties and still recovering from knee replacement. There was no way she was going out there. And Brody wouldn’t trade me cases or do anything resembling a favor for me in this lifetime. I didn’t tell Rafe why. He had already been compassionate enough to find out why I wanted to learn self-defense. He’d listened to me while I explained the threat against me, the impossibility of being reassigned. He didn’t need to hear the details of every unfortunate thing that ever happened at work.

  Part of me didn’t want the guy to think I was a whiner. I already felt weak, cornered in my situation. It would help somehow if he thought I was brave, if he thought I could find the good in things. So, I told him I wished things were different, but mainly I wished they were different for the little Watts girl. She deserved better than this. She deserved a parent who fought to make things right and get her home, not one who made threats and neglected her and took no responsibility for the problems.

  “It breaks my heart every day,” I told Rafe honestly, “That these babies deserve so much better. The worst thing about today wasn’t that I was scared. The worst part was knowing that this is all that his little girl has to hope for. That going home to a father like that is the outcome we’re hoping for.”

  Again, I had wanted to curl up in his arms. There was something about him, about that man I’d just met. He had a burly, powerful body—I should have shrunk away from him. All that muscle could have been punishing. His sheer size could have been intimidating. Instead, because of the way he carried himself, because of his demeanor, he seemed confident and strong, not menacing. Rafe seemed like the kind of man who would put his arm around me on the couch, let me snuggle against his broad, muscular chest, and he’d hold me tight. I’d never had that; never known a man or anyone at all who held me, but I yearned for it. And my body or my hormones or something seemed to recognize him, to register his protectiveness, his innate goodness.

  I trusted him. I never trusted easily, not after the way I grew up. But something in Rafe called out to me, made me feel safer. It was a wonder I didn’t burst into tears. The only thing that really stopped me from crying was the fact that I didn’t want to flat out horrify him.

  When I got home and locked my new deadbolt, I distracted my worried mind with thoughts of what I’d like to do with Rafe Sullivan. Horrifying him wasn’t even on the list.

  4

  Leo

  I got a kick out of making Rafe squirm. We grew up together. We’d always been like brothers, and I never missed a chance to give him crap whenever I could. He was level-headed most of the time, so I didn’t get as many opportunities as I did in high school when he chased after the head cheerleader for an entire year. To be honest, I hadn’t seen him that stupid over a girl since then. Until Lexi came into the picture.

  I could tell from day one that she was different. Rafe clammed up and didn’t want to spill details. If it was just some girl he met at a club, he’d talk about how they met and where they went for a late-night snac
k and what music she liked and if she had a crazy family. We never trash talked our dates, but we shared funny stories and kept each other in the loop. So when he wouldn’t talk about this one, it was pretty obvious that he wanted to keep things private for a reason.

  Rafe saying it was only professional concern was total bullshit. I knew my friend too well for that. He might not dip his pen in the office ink, but he sure as hell didn’t act like it was the nineteenth century and avoid all the women who ever went to that gym. He closed ranks, acted like he needed to protect her. He only gave me the bare minimum of information when I asked. He never offered information freely.

  The thing was, I knew he’d been seeing her for weeks. I knew because instead of coming home to shower and have a few beers after his self-defense classes twice a week, he always rolled in about three hours later than usual. I’d ask if she had come to class, and he’d say yes. They’d go to Lacy’s afterward for a bite to eat.

  His face when he talked about her—it was hilarious and pathetic at the same time. What little he’d ever say was said with a serious expression like he was talking about church or the Constitution or something else extremely important.

  “Does she have a key to the apartment yet?” I asked him once, and he gave me the finger.

  I was just talking shit, but I was concerned for the guy. He was in deep and didn’t even know it. He hadn’t brought her around the house yet, so I hadn’t seen her, although he had finally showed me a picture on his phone. She had sent it to him from work one day, a selfie with a bakery bag and the caption, ‘wish you were here but I wouldn’t share my bagel’. He had grinned when he showed it to me, like it was something really clever and adorable. He had it bad, and I told him so.

  I’d just come off a fire call, showered, and went to Lacy’s. I figured I’d meet the girl he hadn’t told me much about. When I walked in the diner, I saw Rafe sitting in a booth, a dark-haired girl across from him. I went to their table to sit down with them.