Meet Me at the Honeymoon Suite
Page 10
‘Does that include me?’
Her tone was carefully guarded.
‘No. Absolutely not.’
He glanced sideways at an empty bench, stopped walking and grabbed her free hand, tugging her to sit down next to him.
‘Amy, listen.’
She looked at him, her brown eyes wide in her pretty face. Her lips were slightly parted and he fought the urge to kiss them. Instead he made do with keeping hold of her hand.
‘The way I asked you out was totally crass, I can see that now. I was just so afraid of letting anyone get close, of distracting me from the business. When I was with you that weekend it was the first time in I don’t know how long that my mind wasn’t constantly on work.’
She nodded slowly. ‘OK.’
‘You have to understand, I gave up so much to follow my own path, and I don’t mean missing out on the opportunity to run a dairy farm. Giving that up was the easy part. It was how that made my family feel that was the real problem. We were so close, and I ripped that to bits. I felt so resentful that they weren’t prepared to be supportive of my ideas and they felt hurt that I apparently just dismissed everything they’d worked for. We barely spoke for three years, everything was so awkward between us. And because of that I had to make the business work, do you see? I had to prove to them that I hadn’t just ruined our family on a stupid whim. I had to prove it to myself too so that maybe the guilt would go away.’ He shrugged. ‘I may have got a bit caught up in that. The business ended up becoming my whole life. I worked seven-day weeks, I didn’t do relationships. Hell, I barely did friendships – anything that I thought detracted from my goals. I even resented Luke for asking me to be his best man, because it meant taking time out from work. I didn’t spend any time organising his stag night, I cobbled together a last-minute speech. I was a pretty crap friend when you get right down to it.’
‘When I met you and saw how much you wanted that kind of family support, the kind I’d screwed up, it made me think about my parents for once. They’d tried to get back in touch this last year or so but I was having none of it. I just couldn’t let go of that guilt and resentment. I thought it was easier to delete their phone messages and emails than to actually address things. But really I was missing out on so much because I was too proud to apologise or make amends. I just poured everything into work and didn’t let anything in my personal life interfere with that.’
He sighed.
‘And that’s why when I asked you out to dinner I ended up doing it in such a crappy half-hearted way. I don’t blame you for running a mile. I didn’t exactly make you feel special, did I – suggesting you fit in around work?’
She shook her head.
‘No, but it wasn’t exactly a surprise.’ She took a sip of her coffee, looking out across the green lawn of the park. The air was fresh and sweet. It was lovely to be outside for a while. ‘I’ve spent a long time feeling like I’m second best or not quite good enough. I think I’d actually assumed I would have come second to your job. I know it started with Roger of course, when I was seven I thought if I’d been better behaved or done better at school then maybe he would have stayed, which is utter crap of course. But somehow that feeling has managed to stay on. It’s only now, after seeing Luke again, meeting you, that I see how much I’ve been making that assumption ever since. Not just with you but with everything.
‘With Luke for example, I assumed it was down to some failing of mine that he only wanted to settle down when he met someone else. But I was never right for him at all. And then with work, I thought being passed over for the top job was down to my never quite being good enough but in reality, looking back, it was more about me lacking in confidence despite the fact I’m perfectly capable. I’ve been so quick to see everything with a glass-half-empty attitude that I’ve let it take over my life. I pre-empt anything I think might go wrong for me and then let that affect how I behave. You included.’
She looked at him apologetically.
‘I was certain dating you would be doomed, that I’d be heartbroken within weeks or months. So I didn’t even give it a try. It’s only since you left that I realised I felt bloody miserable anyway. What was the point? I was supposed to be saving myself grief, not bringing it on.’
She half-expected this conversation to be over now he knew what a negative nightmare she could be. Instead a tiny leap of excitement in her chest as he put an arm around her. She leaned her head against his shoulder.
We’re both as bad as each other,’ he said. ‘Come out for dinner with me. Sod work. Sod everything. I want to make a go of this.’
Her heart melted.
He nodded across the park. Joggers, families picnicking, mothers pushing strollers.
‘Look at all these people having a life. I think it’s time we got one.’
She tilted her head up and smiled at him as he smoothed her hair back from her face and kissed her.
‘Sounds like a plan,’ she said.
Also by Charlotte Phillips …
Did Someone Order Room Service?
Your Room or Mine?
Kiss Me on this Cold December Night
Access All Areas
Charlotte Phillips
I live in Wiltshire, UK, where I squash writing in between looking after my family, who have been taught not to notice that I’m rubbish at housework. I love watching American TV shows in my pyjamas and I can’t live without coffee and cake.
http://charlotte-phillips.blogspot.co.uk/
@CharPhillips_
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