Love That Boy

by Ron Fournier

  There are so many others to thank, starting of course with Lori—my bride, my muse, and my greatest friend. Who else?

  Tyler, who had the authority to veto this project at every stage. We love that boy.

  Our girls. Holly’s tenacious and thorough editing spared her dad great embarrassment. Gabrielle’s wise words of encouragement helped me see the project through others’ eyes. We love these young women.

  George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Barack and Michelle Obama, and their associates, including Doug Band, Elizabeth Bibi, Nelson Chenault, Freddy Ford, Karen Hughes, Jordan Johnson, Alan Lowe, Lena Moore, Skip Rutherford, and Doug Sosnik. These public servants “pay it forward” in many ways that go unnoticed.

  My siblings (Tim, Mike, and Raquel), extended family, and many friends who keep drawing us back to Michigan. My mother, who encouraged me to write honestly, if painfully. My father, whose interview for this book became the spine of his obituary. “I had a great wife,” he told me. “I had a great life with her.”

  Lori’s family, particularly her sister Pam and our niece Anna, who forged a special connection with Tyler. Her father, Larry, brother, Craig, and cousins, Karen and Kris, who also call us back to Michigan.

  Our heroes at H-B Woodlawn, including Leigh Buckley-Altice, Krista Rivera, and since-retired principal Frank Haltiwanger. Cynthia Evans, Tyler’s tutor, who made math bearable. Karen Ready, who taught Tyler in third grade and was the first educator to really “get” him. Tyler still calls her his favorite teacher.

  Our dear friends Keith and MaryAnn Smith, and their children (Meredith, Shannon, and Jason), who always supported us and made Tyler feel as comfortable in their home as he is in ours. Our friends at the Knights of Columbus Edward Douglas White Council, where Tyler landed his first job and where I know he will always have a family. Pride and self-motivation seemed foreign to Tyler until last summer, the summer before his 18th birthday, when he worked as a counselor at the Knights’ day camp. “I have a job,” Tyler beamed one day. “Can you believe I have a job?” Yes, we can.

  Dr. Catherine McCarthy, a smart and compassionate resource who helped Lori create a support system for Tyler. Jean Gold, who gave Lori somebody better than her husband to talk through life’s challenges.

  The friends and associates who critiqued manuscript drafts, including Frank Bruni, Matthew Dowd, Mark Leibovich, David Maraniss, Olivia Morgan, Joe Scarborough, Mindy Tucker Fletcher, Stephen Gray Wallace, and Patsy Wilson. Close friend and former Associated Press colleague Ted Anthony, who was my brainstormer-in-chief from the first paragraph of First, Family to the last gasp of Love That Boy.

  Adam Kushner, the National Journal editor (he’s now with the Washington Post), who rejected my first submission of First, Family because I had written it as a political analysis. He was intrigued by a quote from Tyler that I had buried in the story: “I hope I don’t let you down, Dad.” Adam asked me, “How did it make you feel when Tyler said that to you?” I shrugged. “When your son basically said he was afraid to embarrass you,” Adam repeated. “How did that make you feel?” He forced me to write about my feelings, the hardest assignment of my career.

  My book agent, Andrew Stuart, and the mutual friend who brought us together, Carl Cannon.

  Rick Horgan, my first editor at Crown. He forced me outside my comfort zone. Rejecting the first 30,000-word submission, Rick emailed, “You are not writing the book I want, and I am guessing that your confusion about what the book is has made the process of writing agonizing.” He was right.

  Heather Jackson took over from Rick and found the joy in it. “None of us owns your brain, heart, ideas, experience,” she emailed me after inheriting the book. “We can ultimately only try to help you best shepherd those.” Heather is a brilliant and caring partner who, more than anybody other than Lori, deserves credit for getting this done.

  My friends, colleagues, and supervisors at Atlantic Media, including Tim Grieve, Bruce Gottlieb, Tim Hartman, Andy Sareyan, and Justin Smith. The owner of the enterprise, David Bradley, expects two qualities in his employees: “extreme excellence” and a “spirit of generosity.” I benefited from both.

  David recruited me from the Associated Press about the same time Tyler was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, promising us the flexibility to both manage the autism and complete Lori’s newly hatched father-son project. Over dinner at his home with wife, Katherine, David told Lori and me, “Tyler is now part of our family.” The Bradleys never wavered.

  Scott Willyerd and his team at Dick Jones Communications, who wrangled experts on parenting and child development to start my reporting. Gina Ranfone and Jordan Bloom, who conducted research on child-rearing for me in the summer and fall of 2013.

  The staff at the library near our tiny northern Michigan town, who provided a home away from home. Rob Malan, who built us a sanctuary in the woods there for me to work on this book and, perhaps, write my next.

  I write these last words while thumbing through a six-inch stack of emails from people who read the National Journal essay. They inspired me. I replied to every email. Some readers wrote back—and many were among the more than three dozen mothers, fathers, and adult children I interviewed for this book. Some asked me to shield their identities.

  Every mother and father asks themselves, “How can I be a better parent?”

  The best answer may have come from the cable news intern who is now a rising Democratic operative with many friends (including me) and a proud mother and father. “My parents had big expectations for me,” he told me several months after our awkward introduction. “They wanted me to be what I wanted to become.”

  BIBLIOGRAPHY

  Abboud, Soo Kim. Top of the Class. Berkley Publishing Group, New York, 2005.

  Attwood, Tony. The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome. Jessica Kingsley Publishers, London, 2007.

  Bishop, Joseph Bucklin, ed. Theodore Roosevelt’s Letters to His Children. Charles Scribner’s Sons, New York, 1919.

  Boyd, Brenda. Parenting a Child with Asperger Syndrome. Jessica Kingsley Publishers, London, 2003.

  Bruni, Frank. Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania. Hachette Book Group, New York, 2015.

  Caffrey, Janine Walker. Drive: Advice from Middle School to College and Beyond. Da Capo Press, Philadelphia, 2008.

  Cillessen, Antonius H. N., David Schwartz, and Lara Mayeux. Popularity in the Peer System. Guilford Press, New York, 2011.

  Finch, David. The Journal of Best Practices: Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to Be a Better Husband. Scribner, New York, 2012.

  Gaffigan, Jim. Dad Is Fat. Random House, New York, 2013.

  Grandin, Temple. Thinking in Pictures: My Life with Autism. Random House, New York, 1995.

  Grandin, Temple. The Way I See It. Future Horizons, Arlington, TX, 2011.

  Grandin, Temple, and Richard Panek. The Autistic Brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing, New York, 2013.

  Hallowell, Edward M. The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness. Random House, New York, 2002.

  Hicks, Marybeth. Bringing Up Geeks: Genuine, Enthusiastic, Empowered Kids. Penguin Publishing Group, New York, 2008.

  Honoré, Carl. Under Pressure. HarperCollins, New York, 2008.

  Huffington, Arianna. Thrive. Random House, New York, 2015.

  Hulbert, Ann. Raising America. Random House, New York, 2003.

  Kimmel, Tim. Raising Kids for True Greatness. Thomas Nelson, Nashville, TN, 2006.

  Kindlow, Dan, and Michael Thompson. Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. Random House, New York, 1999.

  Levine, Madeline. The Price of Privilege. HarperCollins, New York, 2006.

  Levine, Madeline. Teach Your Children Well. HarperCollins, New York, 2012.

  Palmiter, David J., Jr. Working Parents, Thriving Families: 10 Strategies That Make a Difference. Sunrise River Press, North Branch, MN, 2011.

  Payne, Kim John. Simplicity Parenting. Random House, New Y
ork, 2009.

  Pope, Denise, Maureen Brown, and Sarah Miles. Overloaded and Underprepared. Jossey-Bass, San Francisco, 2015.

  Robison, John Elder. Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger’s. Random House, New York, 2008.

  Robison, John Elder. Raising Cubby: A Father and Son’s Adventures with Asperger’s, Trains, Tractors, and High Explosives. Random House, New York, 2013.

  Rosenfeld, Alvin, and Nicole Wise. The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap. St. Martin’s Press, New York, 2000.

  Senior, Jennifer. All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood. HarperCollins, New York, 2014.

  Silberman, Steve. NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity. Penguin Group, New York, 2015.

  Solomon, Andrew. Far from the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity. Simon & Schuster, New York, 2012.

  Sommers, Christina Hoff. The War Against Boys. Simon & Schuster, New York, 2000.

  Stearns, Peter. Anxious Parents. New York University Press, New York, 2003.

  Taylor, Jim. Positive Pushing: How to Raise a Successful and Happy Child. Hyperion, New York, 2002.

  Wallace, Stephen Gray. Reality Gap: Alcohol, Drugs, and Sex—What Parents Don’t Know and Teens Aren’t Telling. Sterling, New York, 2008.

  Wead, Doug. All the President’s Children. Atria Books, New York, 2003.

  Willey, Liane Holliday. Asperger’s Syndrome in the Family. Jessica Kingsley Publishers, London, 2001.

  Love That Boy Reading Group Guide

  1. In the doctor’s office immediately prior to hearing Tyler’s autism diagnosis, Ron and Lori are holding hands. Ron notices an unfinished puzzle on the floor next to a worn wooden train with its locomotive missing. A puzzle piece has long been an emblem of the autism community. Must a child be autistic to be an “unfinished puzzle,” or does that symbol apply to all children? As a mother or father, do you ever feel like a powerless locomotive? If so, when? What can you do about it?

  2. At the end of the Introduction, Ron refers to the toy train and a single puzzle piece as “misfits of a tidy office.” Do all children, at some point, feel like misfits, or just those on the autism spectrum? What is the real-life analogue to “a tidy office”?

  3. On the first “guilt trip,” Tyler is practicing his handshakes just before meeting President Obama and tells his father, “I hope I don’t let you down, Dad.” How do you think Ron felt hearing that? How would it make you feel to hear it from one of your children? Do you ever put too much pressure on your kids?

  4. After the Obama meeting, Ron says he realizes the problem isn’t Tyler or even autism. “It’s me.” What does he mean by that?

  5. Do you agree with Ron that childhood popularity is a “trap”? Why or why not?

  6. When Tyler says he is “my kind of happy,” what does he mean? Do you think there’s a gap between your idea of happiness and your child’s?

  7. At the end of “Grit,” Ron notices President Clinton missing subtle social clues and wonders if perhaps we’re all on the autism spectrum. Do you think he meant that literally or was he making a broader point?

  8. Were you surprised that President George W. Bush’s chapter was titled “Empathy”? After all, it was President Clinton who famously told voters, “I feel your pain,” and whose greatest political gift is thought to be empathy. Is there a difference between connecting with a crowd and connecting with a person? Why do you think Bush connected with Tyler better than his own father? Have you ever noticed somebody other than you relating to your child better than you? How did that make you feel?

  9. Ron posits that human decency motivated the ex-presidents to meet with his young Aspie. Why do you think they cooperated? Do you agree they are “fundamentally good people in a bad system”? What, if anything, did you learn anew about Clinton and Bush by reading Love That Boy?

  10. It’s easy to criticize parents for their excessive expectations. But aren’t there good reasons for pressuring our children to do better and be better? What are those reasons? How does a parent learn to recognize the difference between pushing and guiding?

  11. The chapter on happiness ends with a scene in which Ron’s father is so exhausted from Holly’s wedding that he cannot close his own zipper, and yet he gets out of the car for a family photo. Ron wrote of his dad, “He was still The Guy, full of goodness.” What does that scene tell you about the true meaning of happiness? How might you pursue happiness differently?

  12. On this page, Ron tells parents to “just chill” and concludes a section on the superstar syndrome by writing, “We should refashion parenthood by tolerating pain, play, and failure.” Do you agree? How might you apply it to your family?

  13. Were you surprised at the end of the book to see Tyler step forward to comfort his grandmother when his father and uncles could not? What did that scene say about his development? What does it say about the potential of all children to exceed their parents’ expectations? If you are a parent, do your kids ever exceed yours?

  14. Love That Boy ends with this passage: “Now, finally, I know what perfect is. It’s a child blessed with the grace to show goodness, even on the worst of days. No, Tyler is not my idealized son. He is my ideal one.” Think about your own family. How does your child meet this definition of perfect? How are you still striving to be perfect? And what is the difference between our idealized and ideal selves?

  What’s next on

  your reading list?

  Discover your next

  great read!

  * * *

  Get personalized book picks and up-to-date news about this author.

  Sign up now.