A Season in the Snow

by Isla Gordon

  ‘He’s living his best life,’ Marco agreed. ‘And are you happy? Or at least, as happy as you can be?’

  Alice smiled at him, then leaned her head towards the window, took a final gulp of air, and then closed them, making sure Bear’s snout was back inside. She kept her eyes on the road but in her mind all she could see was Marco’s face. ‘Yes.’ She breathed in. ‘Okay, let’s have that coffee.’

  Chapter 33

  Another hour and several long stretches of tunnels that scooped their way underneath the Alps later, and Alice, Marco and Bear were navigating their way through the streets of Zurich to find Vanessa’s apartment. They drove beside the river, alongside medieval buildings and pretty bridges. Alice craned her neck to look up, searching for the right block of flats, and Marco directed her with the confidence of someone who’d been here a thousand times.

  When they arrived they found the other three already there in Vanessa’s apartment, Lola and Noah having checked in down the hallway, and David trying to play it cool, when it was all he could do to stop himself staring at Vanessa.

  ‘This is so nice,’ Vanessa enthused, greeting each of her final three visitors with a warm embrace. ‘I like having visitors! It gets lonely on these tours.’

  ‘Lonely, even with all the people you’re showing around?’ asked Marco.

  ‘I think it’s possible to be at your loneliest when there are lots of people around,’ Alice said as she took her shoes off, without stopping to think what she was saying.

  She looked up to see them watching her. Wow, what a Christmas Spirit she was.

  ‘Exactly,’ said Vanessa, stepping in. ‘It’s gorgeous to have you all to stay because I don’t have to host. We’re equal.’

  ‘So let me start off by making a drink for everyone,’ said David, moving over to the kettle.

  ‘Oh David, you’ve had a long journey, I’ll do that,’ Vanessa countered, but David just touched her arm and stood in front of the kettle. ‘You’re letting us stay here, Lola and Alice drove, this is the least I can do.’

  They smiled at each other and Alice caught Lola’s eye, noticing the sweet contact.

  After a drink, a sit down, and a chance for Bear to sniff everything in the apartment, the group were ready to head out towards the Tree and the market.

  It was already darkening when they set off, their breath foggy in the clear air despite it being several degrees warmer than up in the Alps. The group, led by Vanessa, weaved their way through the medieval streets of the old town until the amber lights formed a glow in the sky above, and they knew they were nearly there.

  Alice sniffed the air, mirroring Bear who walked next to her, and smelled the cloves and cinnamon of mulled wine stalls. Bear pulled in small zigzags, exploring the streets and snuffling up fallen crumbs of gingerbread cookies. The streets were busy, the sky was dark, but somehow Alice – although with a sharpened mind, always it seemed, for any potential threat – was calm. Although Switzerland was proving to have light and dark times, she was certain she was experiencing more happiness than fear in this place. Seeing more light than dark.

  ‘There it is!’ Lola was the first to spot the Tree, tall and central, immediately obvious when they came into the square. It was a tiered pyramid stage, seven rows high, consumed by pine branches and silvery waterfall fairy lights that hung down like icicles. Shuffling on each tier was a line of people, dressed in red hats and scarves and long forest-green coats, holding song books. Excited chatter from the crowd, and the soon-to-be-singers filled the air, until loud speakers projected a burst of merry music. The choir took a breath, and . . .

  DECK the halls with boughs of holly . . .

  The joyous music reminded Alice of the Christmases of her past and all of the happy traditions that surrounded them. This was her dad’s favourite Christmas song. He liked to draw out the first ‘DECK’ for as long as possible, and then pull his family into a big bear hug. He was funny. She was lost in the music, with Bear sitting on her feet with his back to her, just happy to have all of them around him in a semi-circle.

  ‘FA LA LA LA LAAAAA, LA LA LA LA!’ sang Vanessa, Marco, David and Noah at the top of their voices, along with the rest of the crowd. Alice met Lola’s eyes and they chuckled, Bear bouncing up at the sudden noise.

  ’TIS the season to be jolly . . .

  Marco grabbed Alice’s hand and raised it into the air with his. ‘FA LA LA LA LAAAAA, LA LA LA LA!’

  Alice sneaked a look at her new friends. She would miss them at Christmas, all of them, and that was unlike her. She’d only known them a month, and maybe they were just rebound friends, but she felt like she was expanding her comfort zone, and for the first time, other people were part of it.

  The song finished, the choir shuffled, the crowd clapped, and Bear lay on the ground and started licking fallen food scraps.

  ‘Fröhliche Weihnacht überall!’

  ‘Oh,’ said Alice as they started up again, and saw Vanessa, Marco, David and Noah look at each other in joy, their faces drenched in nostalgia.

  Three songs later it seemed like the perfect time to top up with some Glühwein. They made their way through the crowd, away from the Tree, and strolled along the line of little huts that made up the Christmas market.

  They drank the hot, sweet wine out of Christmas tree-shaped souvenir mugs, they nibbled on Swiss festive cookies and Austrian-imported cheeses and hams, Alice bought some delicate wood-carved ornaments for her parents, and they talked. There was a simple ease in the air which waltzed with their Christmas spirits, and Alice felt the same.

  ‘Shall we make a picture?’ asked Vanessa, pulling out her phone. It was late, and they were all suitably merry, safe in the cocoon of warm feelings and friendship as they looked out across the Limmat river, curling its way from Lake Zurich into the city.

  They huddled together as a group, and Alice grinned a genuine grin into the camera. Make a picture. She liked that phrase, it sounded nicer than taking a picture. Like instead you were making memories that you could hold onto.

  ‘And now we go around and tell our Christmas wishes.’

  There was a collective moan and Lola said, ‘Man, Marco you are so lame, nobody wants to be all profound, we’ve had too much Glühwein. Or maybe not enough.’

  ‘No, no, I’m not talking about Big Wishes, or Big Life Dreams, I mean actual Christmas wishes, for this Christmas, something you would be very happy to receive, or have happen.’

  ‘You go first, little brother,’ said Noah. ‘What is your Christmas wish?’

  Marco gazed at the water, thinking. Alice watched his eyes scan the lights opposite, his mind dreaming. Eventually he did his funny chuckle. ‘It’s quite hard, huh?’

  ‘I’ll go,’ said Vanessa, and David stood a little straighter to listen, his own Christmas wish written all over his face. ‘I wish for happy customers on Christmas Day. I want to love this job, but if anyone complains or is upset about something on Christmas Day that would hurt. I want to enjoy the day too.’

  The group nodded in unison – the ski instructors in particular were well aware how disheartening it could be when a customer forgets it’s your one Christmas Day of the year too, even if you’re working it.

  ‘My Christmas wish,’ Noah spoke up, ‘is that my wife just once consumes some Swiss chocolate that isn’t Toblerone.’

  Lola laughed. ‘My Christmas wish is for you to shut your damned mouth.’ She shut it for him by planting a big kiss on his lips, in a very Kodak moment in front of the lights of the city. ‘Alice?’ she asked when she broke free.

  ‘My Christmas wish is for my parents to believe I’m okay,’ Alice said carefully.

  ‘When you head home you mean?’ Lola asked.

  ‘Yep. They’ve been worried, for months now, I’d like to make them believe I’m . . . better.’

  ‘Do you believe it?’

  Alice shrugged at Lola. ‘One wish at a time.’

  ‘I have thought of a Christmas wish,’ Marco announced. ‘
I wish for Alice’s parents to be happy for Alice too.’ He took her hand in his, their big coat sleeves causing the action to be out of sight of the others, and squeezed it, whispering. ‘Let’s pool our wishes, huh, double-stuff it so it really comes true.’

  ‘Okay,’ she whispered back, touched, but they didn’t let go of each other and that became all Alice could think about, even when attention moved to David.

  ‘My Christmas wish,’ he said, looking a little glum, a little worn, with the warm pink tinge of someone who’s made merry with a little too much mulled wine. He sighed and looked at Vanessa, who pretended not to notice and looked out across the river. David sighed again. ‘Is to burn Marco’s Christmas jumper.’

  There were cries of No! and Never! and then Lola said, ‘And finally Bear? What’s your Christmas wish this year?’

  Bear looked up at her at the sound of his name, and then walked head first into Alice, burying his face in her legs, giving her access to his ears to stroke. Alice laughed and crouched down, wrapping her arms around his stocky body and pushing her face into his softer-than-soft fur. ‘I love you so much, Big Bear!’ she exclaimed, meaning it with all her heart.

  Lola grinned and it turned into a large yawn, which was closely followed by Vanessa, and when David slurred something about finding a pub Marco said to the group, ‘I hate to be Mr Party Pooper but David and I have to get up early in the morning to get back over to Mürren. Which means our designated drivers do as well, sorry. Unless you want to stay on and visit with Vanessa, Alice, and the two of us can go in Noah’s car?’

  ‘I would love that,’ said Vanessa, ‘But I’m working tomorrow as well. I’ll be back over for New Year’s, though.’

  They walked back through the darkened streets, each humming variations of the festive music they’d heard throughout the evening. Bear was tired, Alice could tell, so hopefully he’d sleep well tonight and maybe also in the car tomorrow.

  She stopped while Bear had a lazy wee, not bothering to lift a leg but instead just squatting like he used to as a smaller puppy.

  Lola turned to look for her and then hung back. ‘So was it as good as you hoped?’ she asked, falling into step with Alice.

  ‘The Singing Tree? Yes, I actually loved it. I’d forgotten my own fondness for quirky traditions and festivities. What did you think?’

  ‘I think if I could sing like any one of them I’d climb up the nearest tree and belt one out too. When they sang “Halo”, oh my God.’

  ‘Mmm . . . ’ Alice agreed. She was tired.

  ‘And the Mariah cover was also great, but more importantly, what’s going on with you and my brother-in-law?’

  That woke her up a little bit. ‘Nothing,’ Alice hissed, aware of Marco only a few steps ahead.

  ‘Yeah, but also something, right?’

  Alice touched Lola’s arm to hold her back a little, Bear slowing beside her. ‘I don’t know,’ she confessed. ‘I’m not out here for holiday romance or anything like that. I don’t mean to be leading him on.’

  ‘Don’t you like him?’

  ‘Yes, but . . . I can’t be mushy and sweet and going on dates at the moment. I’m not in a good place.’

  ‘He knows that, you know,’ Lola pointed out.

  ‘I just don’t know what to feel. And Jill’s not here to help me with the answers. No offence, it’s just that you’re a little biased.’

  ‘Okay, let me ask you something.’ Lola started walking again but they kept their pace slow. ‘If Jill was here, and you weren’t, and she’d been lonely and sad but had a shot at letting someone in and maybe being happy, what would you tell her?’

  Oh, Jill. Alice couldn’t form the words to answer because they clung in her throat, as if they knew they could never be spoken to Jill, not really.

  Lola rubbed a hand on her back. ‘It’s okay, you don’t need to say, I think I can guess. But maybe you should treat yourself like you would your best friend. Be nice to Alice, she’s had a tough few months.’

  Chapter 34

  Alice slept in fits and bursts that night. Vanessa’s rented apartment had a spare box room with a sofa bed, which she and Bear took, and David and Marco took a sofa each in the living room. She slept with the window open, which meant the tip of her nose, sticking out above the duvet, was icy but Bear was happy, as opposed to shuffling and panting and trying to get out of the door all night.

  She spent a long time thinking about her journey over the past few months, and at two a.m. she was following an internet rabbit hole, reading about a thing called the change curve, based on a 1960s method of describing the emotional stages of grief, developed by a Swiss-American psychiatrist. She’d certainly been through the shock, anger, maybe a little denial. There was a chance she was on her way out, struggling up the hill towards the light, challenging herself and accepting what had happened, but did she actually feel like that, or was she just fooling herself into thinking she could be normal?

  She didn’t let herself see what the last stage was supposed to be. She didn’t want to know yet what the last page of her supposed story was.

  ‘I was awake a lot of last night,’ Alice told David in the car on the way home. He and Marco had switched on the way back, and though it was always the plan, Alice suspected that Marco thought she might need some space.

  David was slumped in the seat, staying very still, his eyes half closed but not asleep. He was the vision of a hangover.

  ‘Are you feeling okay?’ David asked, as if worried she’d ask him to take over in the driver’s seat.

  ‘Oh, I’m fine to drive. I’m actually glad to have set off early today, it’s going to be nice to get home and maybe go back to bed for a bit.’ She glanced at him. ‘Not that you can do that, sorry.’

  ‘I think I will have just enough time to make a big rosti breakfast when we get back; that will fix me.’

  They continued the drive in silence for a while, no music today, the only sound being Bear’s snoring from the back seat. Overhead, blobby clouds dotted the aqua morning sky like plump snowmen who’d floated away. The large lakes beside the highway, Lakes Lucerne and Brienz, had been sprinkled with glitter made of sunshine.

  ‘It’s Christmas in just over a week,’ she said after a while, as much to herself as to David.

  ‘A week, huh?’

  ‘Yep. This time next week, it’ll be Christmas Eve tomorrow, and I’ll be flying home.’

  ‘Are you looking forward to it?’

  ‘Yes and no. I’m looking forward to seeing my parents – yesterday helped actually, I’m feeling a lot more Christmas spirit thanks to all those singers.’

  ‘And all that Glühwein.’

  ‘Yeah, you must have a lot of Christmas spirit in you right now!’

  David cracked a smile and reached for a can of Coke he’d bought before they set off.

  ‘Vanessa seems to be really happy in her new job, doesn’t she?’ Alice asked. How cruel she was to bring up Vanessa when he was hungover and trapped in her car, she thought, but didn’t let it stop her.

  David’s eyes opened a little wider. ‘For sure, it sounds like she really enjoys it.’

  ‘She’s working at Christmas, but coming home for a couple of days at New Year, is that right?’

  ‘I think she said this.’

  ‘Hmm. Hey, just out of interest, is mistletoe a thing in Switzerland?’

  David looked at her, a smirk creeping onto his face. She kept her eyes on the road, impassive and innocent.

  ‘Why, do you want to hang some between you and Marco?’ he countered.

  Touché.

  David yawned and reached an arm back to stroke Bear. ‘So you think I should go for it with Vanessa, do you?’

  ‘She hasn’t said anything to me, and I may have known her a long time but I probably don’t know her nearly as well as you do, but, I mean . . . ’

  ‘She doesn’t seem repulsed by me?’

  Alice laughed. ‘Well, you have to start somewhere. I don’t know, I’m nob
ody to give romantic advice, I’ve been happily single for years and I’m too much of a mess to do anything about my own love life at the moment, but part of what I was thinking about last night was not letting things pass you by. If you want something, or someone, you should probably go for it because who knows what’s around the corner.’

  ‘It is true.’

  ‘I’m still learning the theory rather than the practice, though.’

  ‘You’ll get there.’

  He said it so easily that Alice found herself believing him, and believing in herself.

  ‘He likes to watch you when you eat, but he’ll sit down if you tell him to. He’ll just carry on staring at you after he does.’ It was Christmas Eve, dawn only just breaking over the little village, which meant the view was still soaked in pre-night, post-morning blue. Alice was talking Marco and David through Bear’s long list of quirks, care instructions and anything else she could think of to delay leaving for the airport. ‘I leave lots of bowls of water around for him, including one downstairs at night even though he’ll probably want to sleep up in one of your rooms with you. Is that okay?’

  ‘Yes, that’s fine,’ said Marco, who was in the eye-watering Christmas jumper and yet still snuggling close to Bear’s warm fur. There was something about the softness of Bear’s coat that demanded to be constantly touched. He was a true comfort blanket.

  ‘He might actually jump on your bed in the middle of the night, which is a surprising way to wake up, but then he’ll just want to flop down next to you. Well, on you. It’s nice, but you can tell him to get off if he’s at all annoying.’

  ‘Marco will enjoy the company,’ David joked.

  ‘We’re going to be just fine,’ Marco said, his voice confident and reassuring. ‘We’ll have a very merry Christmas. Do you think he likes my Christmas sweater?’

  ‘I think he loves it,’ Alice answered. ‘Thank you both again for doing this. I feel bad leaving you with him when you should be relaxing.’