Getting Old Can Kill You: A Mystery

by Rita Lakin

  She stops to put her hand over Bella’s mouth. “Don’t sing.”

  Bella pouts.

  Ida continues. “Having husbands in the picture will get in our way.”

  Bella takes one of Sophie’s daisies and starts peeling the petals off one by one. “He loves me, he loves me not … Do you think we’ll ever get married again?”

  Ida growls, “Don’t be ridiculous. At our age? And besides, who’d be dumb enough to want to wait on some old grouchy male?”

  “Hah,” Sophie says. “What guy would want a grouchy female like someone whose name I wouldn’t mention but is standing right here?”

  Ida shoots her a dirty look.

  Bella works on another daisy. She brightens at her thought. “Yeah, who’d want to wash some old guy’s underwear anyway?”

  Sophie grabs her daisy away from her. “Since when are you on her side?” She points an accusing finger at Ida.

  Bella lifts all four feet nine of her off the bench and puffs out her chest. “I’m on the side of what’s right. I’m proud to be an independent thinker.”

  “Hello,” someone calls out to them. They turn to see their neighbor from Phase Three, Arlene Simon, coming toward them. Ida is always amazed by Arlene. Even though she’s pushing eighty, she still wears skirts and dresses and high heels and continues to wear makeup and dye her hair golden blond. She’s always put together perfectly. She wonders why Arlene does it. Most everyone accepts his or her shades of gray and white. Why all that bother to change hair color? And nobody in Lanai Gardens wears a heel over one inch. She has to admit Arlene is still a good-looking woman.

  But what’s this? She looks upset.

  Arlene is out of breath. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

  Ida steps up to the plate. “Are you in some kind of trouble?”

  Arlene glances back and Ida notes she’s looking at a small moving van unloading a king-size bed in front of her Phase Three building. “When is Gladdy coming home?”

  Bella perks up. She knows this answer. “Wednesday. In the evening.”

  Arlene sighs. “I was hoping she’d be home sooner.”

  Ida says, “Can we help you?”

  She shakes her head. “Thank you, but I don’t think so. I’d like to talk to Gladdy. Would you please have her call me when they return?”

  With that, Arlene leaves them. Ida watches their neighbor cautiously heading toward the back entrance of her apartment building.

  “Hmmph.” Sophie shows her annoyance. “What are we, chopped liver?”

  “You see what I mean?” Defeated, Ida sits down on an adjoining bench. “It’s starting already. Here’s the potential for a new case. Did Arlene confide in us? No. She’ll hire Gladdy. And without a thought about us, Gladdy won’t want to hurt her new husband’s feelings, so Jack will tag along. He’ll always be right there at her side.”

  Depression sinks over them like a thundercloud. Sophie says, “No more five mouseketeers.”

  “That’s musketeers,” Ida corrects.

  “Whatever. No more running in and out of their apartments any old time.”

  Bella takes up the chorus. “No more eating chocolate cake together in the middle of the night.”

  Sophie says, “Remember how Jack hated early bird dinners? Gone.”

  Bella sighs. “No more shopping till we drop. Gone.”

  Sophie groans. “Gladdy and Evvie won’t go to bingo anymore. Or flea markets or even garage sales. Gone.”

  They have a long list of what will be gone forever.

  Bella looks confused. “That’s everything. So what will they be doing?”

  Sophie gives her a pinch on the cheek. “Trust me, they won’t be bored.”

  “That’s it,” Ida says. “We’re toast. We’re has-beens. Down with the Fab Five and up with the Double Dynamo. Gladdy Gold and Associates—finished.”

  Bella shudders. “What are we going to do? Once we’ve tasted blood, how can we be happy with bingo?”

  Ida stands up, hands on hips. “I have a solution. I’ve been thinking about this ever since the newlyweds left.”

  Bella and Sophie look up at Ida warily. She has a dangerous expression on her face. That can only mean trouble for them.

  Ida continues. “Why wait until we’re dumped? I say we take action.”

  The girls are all ears. Ida’s voice is stronger now. “I say we go into business for ourselves. We enroll in a detective school. Once we graduate, we’re off on our own.”

  The girls perk up. Sophie announces, “Now you’re talking.”

  Bella looks confused. “Now you’re on her side?”

  Sophie smiles knowingly. “Like in politics, you gotta go with the winners. Where do we find a detective school?”

  “Not to worry. I already picked one out of the yellow pages. The guy had the biggest ad, so I bet he’s the best. Think about it. A two-week class and we’ll be up to speed in the PI biz.”

  Sophie worries. “Wait a minute. We don’t have a car. How will we get to class?”

  Ida says, “Not to worry. We can always take the bus.”

  The girls are revved up. Bella grins. “Let’s sign up right away.”

  Sophie rises, ready to move back again. “They can’t dump us. We’ll dump them first.”

  The three march along, arms wrapped around one another. Late to mah-jongg and no longer even interested in attending.

  Ida announces, “When they come back, we’ll tell them we’ve got to talk.”

  Such a flurry of excitement. It seems everyone in our Phase Two section has been hanging around awaiting our arrival. Moments after we get out of our taxi, Enya hugs us and tells us she’s made a pot roast for us so we don’t need to cook tonight. Tessie and Sol, happily addicted to rich foods, present us with brownies for dessert. Lola leans over her second-story balcony and offers freshly baked bread while her hubby, Hy, being Hy, presents us with his smart mouth. “So how was Viagra Falls, guys? Get it? Viagra Falls.”

  Joe calls up to him, not bothering to hide his sarcasm, “Got it, Hy, you’re a riot.”

  Hy chortles, waves, then goes back inside his apartment.

  After more welcome-home gifts and flowers and neighbors asking about our travels, the group disperses. We lift our suitcases and, happily tired, head for our apartments. Such a balmy, beautiful night, South Florida at its best. But something’s missing.

  Conspicuously missing are the girls.

  I glance up at Bella’s second-floor apartment, next door to Evvie’s. I see a curtain flutter for just one moment. What’s this? Trouble in paradise?

  I languidly watch Jack unpack our suitcases as I lie on our bed, shoes kicked off, and my hands behind my head. It feels so good to be home. He tells me he intends to spoil me rotten. He’s already separated the dirty laundry. The pot roast is heating up. The table is set for dinner.

  “Feel any different?” Jack asks. “Now that the ring is on your finger and around my neck.”

  I look at him in surprise. “Oh, really? Trapped, are you?”

  “Kidding. That’s a Hy kind of comment. It’s catching.”

  “Least I can do is make you a drink.” I climb off the bed. “What’s your pleasure?”

  “A beer will do. And some of those crinkly chips left over from our farewell party if they aren’t stale.”

  I start for the kitchen.

  Jack calls after me, “So what do you think is going on with the girls?”

  I stop. “So you noticed, too.”

  “How could I not? From them I was expecting balloons and confetti; at least a brass band. But not the cold shoulder.”

  I return with a beer for him and lemonade for me.

  “So you also think they’re unhappy about something?”

  “My guess is reality has set in. Jack and Joe are here to stay.”

  “Maybe so, but not to make an appearance? That isn’t like them.” I wind my arms around my wondrous new husband. I hug him and he hugs back. “I can underst
and that they might be concerned about things changing, but no greeting at all?”

  The phone rings. I walk over to the phone on the bedside table. “Maybe that’s one of them now. Hello?” I listen then turn to Jack. “It’s Evvie.” I listen some more. “We were just talking about that very thing.” I report to Jack, “Evvie says there was a tiny knock at her door. By the time she answered, Bella had left a plate of cookies and then disappeared back into her apartment.”

  Jack shrugs. “I guess we’ll find out what’s bothering them soon enough.”

  “If you figure it out,” I say to Evvie, “let me know. We’ll talk tomorrow.” I hang up.

  I sit down on the edge of the bed and turn to Jack. “All I can think of is something must have happened while we were away. But what?”

  The phone rings again. I reach for it. “It must be one of them this time.” I answer and listen and shake my head at Jack. “Yes, of course we can.”

  “Who is it this time?” he asks.

  “It was our neighbor Arlene Simon from Phase Three.”

  “Which one is she? Don’t believe I’ve seen her.”

  “You would if I described her. Blond, dresses beautifully, the only one around who doesn’t have gray or white hair.”

  He nods. “Now I do. She’s still quite a looker.”

  “She has a problem and wants to meet with me. Now I think we have a problem of our own.”

  Jack is puzzled. “What’s that?”

  “That’s probably what she said to the girls when she asked them when we’d be back. She asked for me. She didn’t confide in them, my partners.” I sip my drink, lost for a few moments in my thoughts.

  “You know what I think? Knowing the girls as well as I do, logic tells me they’ve made some sort of decision and can’t face us until they’re ready to inform us. Bella leaving a little gift tells me Bella is nervous about it and doesn’t want our feelings hurt.”

  Jack smiles. “Well, logic tells me it’s too soon to ask us to get divorced—”

  Suddenly I jump up, interrupting him. “Oh, my God, that’s it. Because of what Arlene didn’t say to them. They’re going to divorce themselves from us!”

  Jack is speechless. I am horrified.

  I leave my beloved sleeping, quickly drink my usual cup of coffee and grab a piece of toast, and out I go. It’s time for our usual morning exercise.

  Jack and I were in all last evening expecting one of the girls to call. But not a peep out of any of them. My plan for today is to pretend nothing is unusual and see who can’t stand the suspense and says something. I’m betting on dear Bella. She won’t be able to take the silence.

  I’m sure Jack’s plan for much of his day will be catching up with all the email he missed while we were away. Yes, I have to admit it, ready or not, Jack brought the twenty-first century with him when he moved in with me. We now have the ubiquitous computer with all its inner bells and whistles—email, Google, IM, Facebook, Twitter, and all that jazz. He’s talking about getting something called Skype. Being actually seen by whoever calls? I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

  He likes to stay in touch with all our kids and grandkids in New York that way. Nice, but I still prefer talking to them by phone. I even had to give up my much adored rotary phone. Every time Jack walked into the kitchen, the sight of that old thing had him in stitches.

  We also now have a modern TV set. First thing Jack dumped was my little table model, circa 1985, and we have one of those humongous, forty-two-inch practically-takes-up-the-whole-wall plasma TVs, whatever that means. Out with my old VCR and the tapes I used to mangle. Now it’s DVD (until that gets obsolete) and TiVo.

  Now, of course, everyone has been coming to our apartment to watch television. Are the girls willing to give up that luxury?

  The girls are already grouped around our meeting place, the palm tree next to one of the small ponds. They are whispering like the little conspirators they are. Probably wondering if I’ll show up.

  I pop out of the stairwell and here I am bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, as the expression goes. I start my warm-up. “Hi, everyone. Isn’t it a glorious day?”

  Each of them faces a different direction. Sophie is suddenly busy tightening her shoelaces. Ida does leg bends. Bella doesn’t do anything. She takes a quick peep at me, then turns away.

  No takers yet. I try another gambit. “Did you have fun last night?”

  Bella does fold first. She turns toward me, curious. “Fun? What was I doing that I was having fun? I don’t remember.”

  Sophie turns. The next domino to fall. “Did I miss something?”

  “Well,” I say, “since nobody was around when we got home, I assumed you were out somewhere having a good time, I hope.” Sometimes I can be such a meanie.

  Bella blurts, “We were here. Didn’t Evvie tell you I sent over cookies?”

  Ida shoots her an angry look as if to say traitor.

  I can see Evvie making her brisk way toward us.

  “You could ask her,” Bella adds.

  Ida turns stiffly with a tone daring me not to believe her. “I had dusty curtains to wash and iron. That was my big fun evening.”

  “Hi, everyone.” Evvie is equally cheery. “Missed you last night when we got back.”

  Well, that speeds things up. The subject is out in the open.

  Sophie decides to move that topic along past any reference to their not showing up. “Did you have a good honeymoon?”

  “Just great,” Evvie answers. “The scenery was gorgeous. We rode in a boat that was very close to the falls. We got soaking wet but it was worth it. Really exciting.”

  They’re still quiet, but they’re beginning to look interested. Except for Ida, who pretends to be bored.

  Evvie baits the hook. “We even had an adventure.”

  Sophie and Bella, loving a story, sit down on our bench. Yet again, any excuse not to exercise. Ida leans against our tree, arms folded. She still hasn’t made eye contact with me.

  Evvie tells the story. “There was a young woman on the boat who was going to commit suicide and Jack and Gladdy rescued her.”

  Bella’s eyes widen as she says, “Wow! That’s really exciting. Why was she going to kill herself?”

  Evvie answers, “Because her new husband didn’t show up on the boat. He told her he changed his mind about being married.”

  Bella is thrilled. “Just like watching Days of Our Lives on TV.”

  Sophie is equally fascinated. “What happened next?”

  I continue the account. “But the husband changed his mind and was rushing to the boat to tell her. Because of his haste, he had an accident on the way and cracked up his car and landed in the hospital.”

  “Wow,” Sophie says.

  Evvie adds, “They were reunited at the hospital. Both of them sorry for everything that happened. He’d just had cold feet and she overreacted. A horrible tragedy was averted. They made up and were in tears.”

  I wrap up the story. “After the boat captain and the police and a mental health person released her, the couple promised to go home and go into joint therapy. All’s well that ends well.”

  Evvie smiles. “Almost like Romeo and Juliet. They might have both died thinking the other one died.”

  Bella breaks out into a big smile. She always likes a happy ending.

  Ida, the cynic, finally deigns to speak. “They were already fighting on their honeymoon. What makes you think those two will live happily ever after?”

  I sigh. “We can only hope, Ida.”

  Evvie starts to move. “Are we walking, or not?”

  Bella and Sophie slowly get up. Ida gets going.

  As we pass the badminton court, I say casually, “By the way, I’m going to meet with Arlene Simon. I hear she spoke to you.”

  “Well,” says Ida, now that it’s out, “she only wanted to talk to you. So I guess you’ll be taking her case.”

  Evvie and I exchange glances. Here it comes.

  “There is
no case,” I say. “She just wants some personal advice.”

  Sophie is startled. “We thought it was a case.”

  Bella adds, “Just for you and Jack, not us.”

  “Since when would I leave you out?” I say. “And besides, Jack isn’t one of our associates.”

  Evvie decides to bring it up. “Only if you’d like to vote him in.”

  Bella and Sophie quickly look toward Ida. I have a feeling they want her to get them out of what she probably got them into.

  Ida takes a deep breath. “We’ve been thinking. Maybe it’s time for us to regroup. Now that the two of you are married, we thought you’d like to be in business with them.”

  Them? It’s as if she can’t bring herself to mention the guys’ names.

  Sophie, realizing where she’s going, breaks in. “But if Arlene isn’t a case … we don’t have to—”

  Ida interrupts her. “We’re committed to going into the private eye business for ourselves.”

  Bella and Sophie look dismayed.

  Evvie shows her surprise. “You mean you want to leave Gladdy Gold and Associates?”

  “It might be better that way,” Ida answers.

  “How do you mean, committed?” I ask.

  “We’re signed up to take a course and when we’re done, we get a certificate and then we become Ida Franz and Associates.”

  Sophie glares at her. “We haven’t decided on names yet.”

  Bella adds, in a panic, “We haven’t signed up, either.”

  Ida announces, “I have. For all of us.”

  I shake my head in consternation. Ida, Ida, what are you doing? Why do you always have to be the rotten apple in the barrel?

  Evvie tries to help. “Well, maybe you can still change your mind.”

  Nice try, Evvie. But that won’t work. When Ida gets herself into a hole, she needs to dig herself in deeper.

  Ida’s shoulders shoot up. “As a matter of fact, we have to cut this short. We’re due at class and we need to shower and dress.” Without looking at us, she walks off, back toward our building.

  Sophie and Bella are flummoxed. They don’t know what to say or do. With last agonized glances at us, they hurry after Ida.