Bittersweet

by K. S. Thomas

  “Oh, I’m aware, Wayne, believe me. Thing is, while I firmly believe that animals are meant to be cuddled and not eaten,” I lean in closer, “it seems my future offspring takes after his or her father.”

  For a moment, Wayne’s expression remains completely blank. Then, it seems to contort several times as if it isn’t sure which way it means to go, before it finally settles on something that almost resembles happy.

  “You’re having a baby?”

  I nod, shoving the last of my afternoon snack into my mouth.

  “But how is that even possible?”

  I cock my head, and twist my lips back and forth. “You’re not really going to make me explain the process to you, are you, Wayne?”

  He chuckles awkwardly which makes me wonder if maybe I’d really better.

  “No, no. I’m familiar. I’m just surprised. The accident...”

  I nod again, smiling. “I know. It’s a miracle.”

  “It really is. Congratulations, Esi. No one deserves a miracle more than you do right now.” He squeezes my arm gently, smiles warmly and then turns to head back toward his office. It’s nearly time for our last sessions of the day.

  When I finally drive my beetle up into our driveway, I’m exhausted. I drag my feet over the cobblestone walkway leading up to the door, gaining a bounce in my step when I get halfway there and see Mr. Nigellus, my cat, sitting there waiting for me. He isn’t what you might consider to be domesticated, but has a rather free spirit and very much prefers to roam, only stopping in for visits every few weeks at a time.

  “Hi, Mr. Nigellus. I’ve missed you. Hope you haven’t been around looking for me while I was gone.” I kneel down to pet his soft black fur. I’m always amazed by how well it keeps considering his outdoor living accommodations. “Want to come in for some tuna? Yeah?”

  I open the door and he rushes inside, instantly disappearing somewhere beyond the foyer.

  “You home?” I call out. Since the old Benz has been totaled it’s hard to tell anymore. We live close enough to everything for Carter to take his bike if he needs to. Of course, the fact that he works from home as an independent architect means he’s usually around anyway. Was like that even when he had a car.

  I drop my bag at the sofa on my way through the house to the kitchen, to prepare the meal I just promised my long lost cat, when Carter appears in the doorway.

  “How was your first day back at work?”

  “Weird. But good.” I hear my phone buzz for the hundredth time and reach down into my purse to check it, even though I’m pretty damn sure I already know who it is. “Holy shit. Lev will not stop texting me. Do you know she actually made me send her a picture of my lunch today? Like she didn’t believe that I would be able to feed myself without a reminder.”

  Carter looks surprised. “You actually ate lunch? I haven’t seen you eat a real meal in days.”

  “No. But Dara did. Had a really healthy looking pasta salad, so I took a picture of that.” I set the dish of tuna down for Mr. Nigellus. “I did finally find something the baby likes to eat though.”

  He looks at me curiously. “Oh yeah? What is it?”

  I snort. “Fucking salami sticks from the vending machine.”

  For a moment his expression conveys total disbelief. “And you ate it?”

  “I did. Oh my GOD. So good.”

  Then he starts laughing hysterically and doesn’t stop for a solid five minutes, during which I have time to wash out and refill Mr. Nigellus’s water bowl, which has been sitting on our kitchen floor abandoned for weeks and isn’t only dry as a bone, but has collected a hefty layer of dust during that time. When I’m done, I dig around in our pantry and locate an old, half empty box of Saltine crackers and pull out a packet for myself, along with a can of ginger ale I find stashed behind a random collection of soda cans from a barbeque we had on the last decent weekend in August. I’m busy crunching on crackers by the time Carter decides he can continue our conversation like a normal human being.

  “So, have you had any other meat cravings? Steak? Chicken Marsala? Oh, I know, what about a gyro with some nice big slices of delicious lamb just falling out of it?”

  I hold up my hand to get him to stop talking because the ‘I’m about to hurl my crackers at you’ face hasn’t been sufficient.

  “Too much?” He’s still grinning.

  “Way too much.” I plop down on the sofa, feeling instantly exhausted. Carter lands beside me.

  He rolls his head to the side, eyeing me. “I take it by the harmless texting in lieu of a personal visit, Lev and Jace don’t know the news yet?”

  I shrug, prying the last two crackers from the wrapper. “We agreed not to tell.”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d really hold out on your mother and sister.”

  I sip my ginger ale. Mostly to keep from having to answer. I haven’t told my mom and sister for a variety of reasons, the desire to avoid face to face visits in my office being one, but I’m also dancing dangerously close to having to admit that I have in fact told one person, and that one doesn’t really come with extenuating circumstances, other than I had to tell someone and Wayne was there.

  Anyway, I figure if I continue gulping down my drink, sooner or later, Carter will see no reason not to move on to another topic. Which he does.

  “So, tomorrow’s Friday already. You gonna call your doc and make an appointment?”

  Not the topic I was hoping for.

  “Uh....might just wait until Monday. Not like they’ll be able to get me in before the weekend anyway.”

  “Es.” It’s his scolding tone along with his scolding face. He’s lucky he’s so stinkin’ cute.

  “Fine. I’ll call them first thing in the morning.” Unless I find something really distracting to do to keep me from doing so. I haven’t been exactly honest in this little area either. Isn’t like I enjoy lying to my husband of less than a month, and it certainly hasn’t been a habit of mine in the seven years we’ve been together prior, but the unpleasant truth is, getting pregnant had been on the long list of things the nurse had discussed with me prior to handing me my release papers from the hospital.

  I wasn’t paying super close attention to her at the time because babies were about the furthest thing from my mind just then, plus I was sort of obsessively focused on that damn door and finally walking out of it. But there had definitely been mention of not conceiving for at least six months. Something about the organs effected by my injuries, specifically the dangers of the strain on my heart, I don’t remember the exact reasons. Whatever they were, I’m sure they were meant as scare tactics anyway to remind me that my body is still healing. Like I really need reminders for that. Between the still clearly visible scar marking the incision down my chest and the pain in my lower back every time I move, along with a variety of other discomforts along the way, there isn’t any part of the day I’m not fully aware of the accident we’ve been in. Or, at least that’s how it was. Until I took the pregnancy test. I’m just a few days in, and already this baby is changing my life. Saving me.

  Chapter Eight

  Carter ~ Seven Years Ago

  For three days I’ve barely made it out of this apartment. Friday we did somehow manage to make it to our classes, but I think it only happened because we knew afterwards we’d have all weekend to ourselves. And that’s my new favorite thing. Us. Being ourselves. It’s completely insane, and I know that. I just don’t care.

  For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and the irony that it’s with the one person my parents told me to stay away from, isn’t lost on me. Neither is the part where eventually I’ll have to tell them. Will have to let them meet her. And I already know it won’t go well.

  “Where are you right now?” Esi’s voice is soft. So soft I could easily be dreaming. Only I’m not. I know I’m not because I can feel her smooth skin on mine. Can feel her heartbeat through my chest, which I find both fascinating and terrifying
all at once. And I can smell her. She smells fantastic. Like flowers and sweetness.

  I kiss the top of her head. “I’m right here. With you.”

  She giggles. It’s cute and it makes her body dance against mine in a way that tickles my skin. “Nice try.” She pulls herself up, folding her arms over my chest and nesting her chin on top so she can face me. “Where were you really?”

  I don’t want to tell her. I don’t want her to know what my family thinks of hers. What I always thought. I don’t want her to know. I don’t want her to feel it. But one look in those big green eyes of hers and I can’t refuse her. She can see right through me anyway.

  “I was prepping myself for the moment when we have to face reality.” I don’t hold her gaze. Instead, I fumble for a few strands of her hair and let them glide through my fingers. It’s so silky it slips right over my skin, because she doesn’t have normal hair like every other human being on earth, she has some sort of satin hair growing out of her scalp. Because she’s not like every other human being on earth. She’s special. I know it. Clearly, God knows it, too.

  Her finger brushes over my lips and I remember she’s still staring at me. “Whose reality are you scared of facing? Yours? Or mine?”

  If I’m totally honest. “Both.” I let my eyes travel the length of her hair back up over her shoulders, along her neck, her jaw, her lips – those amazingly kissable lips, over her adorable nose until I meet her eyes. “Crashing into you...it was like our souls collided into one or something from the force.” I can hear myself say it. I sound like I’m crazy. Like she needs a restraining order already. But then I see her looking back at me. She doesn’t think I’m crazy. She feels the same way. Maybe we’re both crazy. “Thing is...our families...our friends...I think bringing them together will have the exact opposite effect.”

  Slowly, she crawls up my chest until her lips are flush with mine. “Who cares?” she whispers and her hot breath makes my mouth tingle. “Let them be planets. Far away and spinning around in circles if they must. We’ll be the sun.” Her eyes close and her tongue slides over my lips like a soft intro to the sultry kiss which is guaranteed to follow, and all I can think is how Esi’s the sun. Hot as hell and now the center of my universe.

  Chapter Nine

  Esi

  As luck would have it, and I’m using that expression sarcastically, my doctor essentially cleared her schedule to fit me in within thirty minutes of my calling her office regarding the news of having discovered my oven was with bun.

  “Good morning, Esi.”

  “Morning, Doctor Starling. So, I peed on your stick, too. You get the same results as I did?” I shift around uncomfortably on the examining table. Even without the stirrups and still in my clothes, I don’t like the seat. Mostly because the paper liner I’m sitting on crunches every time I move.

  Doctor Starling rolls her little stool over to place herself in front of me. It’s set particularly low, probably from her last exam, considering it leaves her at about eye level with my vagina. Since she’s pretty damn used to looking at those, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that she does nothing to rise up and meet me closer to my face.

  “Yes, as a matter of fact, our test came back positive as well.” She pulls my file over from the counter and opens it up. “Now, I understand they discussed the dangers of getting pregnant with you given the damages to you heart and the permanent scarring to your heart valves after your surgeries. They went over everything when you were released from the hospital. Is that correct?” She glances up at me and my eyes shoot straight down into my lap, avoiding both her, as well as Carter, who is sitting in the chair in the corner, presumably glaring at me with all his might after that little revelation.

  I do, however, manage a little nod, which she deems as enough of a reaction from me to continue talking.

  “Alright. Well, since we’re still well within our first trimester, aborting the pregnancy will be a relatively simple procedure.”

  Instantly, my head flies up. “What? No!”

  She looks confused. “Esi, I’m not sure you’re understanding the severity of this situation. Aborting the pregnancy, while heartbreaking I’m sure, is really the only option at this point. Trying to continue carrying this child to term, wouldn’t be safe for either of you.”

  Instinctively, I turn toward Carter, the voice of reason. My voice of reason.

  His expression is pained and I can tell he’s choosing his words carefully when he says, “Just...listen to what she has to say.”

  And so I do.

  “Your body has undergone some severe trauma here, Esi. It hasn’t had nearly enough time to heal and recoup in order to withstand the risks a pregnancy would pose for you right now. To be perfectly honest, I’m shocked you didn’t miscarry already. Under normal circumstances, your body should have automatically rejected this pregnancy.”

  “But it didn’t.” And that means something. I am sure of it.

  “But it should have.” Just apparently not to Doctor Starling.

  I take a deep breath. “You can’t make me have an abortion.”

  She shakes her head slowly. “No, I can’t.” She watches me as we all sit in silence having reached this impasse. “This could kill you, Esi. You only just barely escaped with your life after the accident. Are you really willing to take this gamble so shortly after beating the odds once already?”

  I jut my lip out stubbornly. “Maybe I’m feeling lucky.”

  Doctor Starling nods, a sign of defeat, even if she’s only accepting it as temporary. “You don’t have to decide today. Take this, it lists all of the risks and possible dangers involved. Go home. Read it. Discuss it with your family. And then, Monday, come in and see me again so we can move forward from there. With whichever path you choose.”

  She hands me several sheets of paper, which I fold up immediately because it’s the fastest way to make the info on them disappear. I don’t care what’s written on them. I’m not changing my mind.

  Then, she stands up from her stool, shakes my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as she does so, and leaves.

  “Boy, am I glad we rushed over here today,” I grumble as I slide down from the table and head for the door myself.

  “Don’t, Esi. Just...don’t even go there right now.” The darkness in his voice is enough to shut me up the whole way home. I’m not in the mood to argue. Not that I am usually one to shy away from a little verbal combat, I just don’t like starting at a disadvantage. And I am definitely not in the lead on this one considering Doctor Starling sold me out within seconds of entering the room.

  It isn’t until we are back at home and after I’ve taken my sweet ass time making a hot cup of tea for myself (what I really wanted was coffee, but I figured now was as good a time as any to start proving the lengths I was willing to go to for this baby) that we finally wind up in the living room sitting across from each other, ready to talk.

  “You should have told me.”

  “Why? So you could look at me the way you are right now? No way. I much prefer the way you were jumping around laughing and shouting for joy the moment you found out we were having a baby.” I cradle my mug in my hands, not entirely impressed with the flavor and trying really hard to make that the main focus of my dissatisfaction so I won’t have to face the really painful shit happening over on Carter’s face.

  “Es, this is serious. This is your life. You can’t just act like it’s nothing. Like we’re just talking about the possibility of winding up with stretch marks nine months from now. You could die.” His voice is shaking like I’ve only ever heard it one other time. The night he found out his father died of a heart attack unexpectedly.

  “I know that. But, I could also live. And we could have a baby. I just...I really feel like this little soul is meant to be here. I can’t explain it, but I just know that everything is going to work out.”

  He shakes his head, resting his face in the palms of his hands. “You heard her, Es, she said it’s a gambl
e and the odds are against us.”

  “Yes, but she also said my body should have already rejected this pregnancy and it hasn’t. That has to mean something. It has to be a sign. I just know it.” For the first time since starting this conversation, I allow myself to really look at him. Not just out of the corner of my eye like I’ve been watching him up until now, but really, seeing him clearly. He’s scared. And hurting. And I’m playing a part in that. And that kills me.

  “Carter, tell me what you’re thinking.”

  He lifts his face from his hands. His eyes are red and glossy. “I can’t. This is your body. Your life. It has to be your decision. It doesn’t matter what I think.”

  I can feel the pressure of tears building up and it’s hard to swallow. “It does matter. This affects both of us. I want to know how you feel.”

  A single tear runs down his face and he does nothing to stop it. “I’m sorry. But I can’t help you with this. I don’t want my selfish need to have you with me, influence your decision in any way. It wouldn’t be right.”

  “I’m always going to be with you.” I lean toward him. “I promise you, Carter. I’m not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever. This baby isn’t the end. It’s only the beginning. I can feel it.”

  He smiles. It’s small and I’m sure it takes a great deal of effort on his part, but it’s there. “Then I guess we better start talking about which room you want to turn into a nursery.”

  He amazes me. All the time.

  “I love you, Carter. Do you know that? I mean, really know?”

  The corners of his eyes crinkle as his smile spreads. “I have a pretty good idea.” And for a long while we sit there, staring at each other, having the sort of silent exchange you can only have with someone who knows you well enough to listen between the words you don’t say. To see beyond the smiles. Hear past the sighs. And feel what can only be felt when love is true and real. Honest and raw. Generous and uninhibited.