by Kristy Love
In no time, the back of my legs hit a soft surface and he lowered me onto it. It was his bed.
He made quick work of his clothes and I was left speechless. He was magnificent when he was naked. He crawled up the bed until he was on top of me and joined our lips in a kiss. His hand went up my thigh, taking my skirt with it. I wrapped my legs around his hips and he ground into me, his hardness pressed intimately to my softness. I moaned into his mouth, amazed that he could make me putty so quickly.
In a flurry of movements, he stripped me and slipped on a condom. Before I had time to breathe, he slid inside me. My head pressed into the mattress as I cried out. He wasted no time, moving in and out of me in a punishing rhythm. I thrust my hips toward him, meeting him. He growled deep in his throat before leaning down and taking a nipple in his mouth. Without warning or build up, I exploded around him, calling out his name, my nails digging into his back. He never lost his stride, even when my nails dug into his flesh.
When he’d milked the orgasm out of me, he rolled us until I was atop him.
“Move, love, I want to see you take me.”
Holy. Fucking. Shit. I’d never been more turned on by a single sentence in my entire life. I moved to straddle him. His hands skimmed and kneaded and his eyes took in every inch of me. I’d never felt as desired or as sexy as I did in that moment.
I came undone at the same time as David. His fingers dug into my hips to slam me down on him. The carnal way he growled his release was almost enough to make me climax again.
When we were done, he rolled us onto our sides and slid out of me. He disposed of the condom before returning and climbing back onto the bed with me. His arm wrapped around me and pulled me close, tucked me into his side. He was everywhere: I smelled him on my skin; felt his heartbeat against my shoulder; his skin was warm and slightly damp with sweat. I was overwhelmed with how everywhere he was.
The urge to escape hit me, hard. I needed a minute away from him before everything that was filling the hollow places inside me caused me to fall to pieces. I lifted his arm off me and moved away. He murmured in his sleep and rolled over, taking his body farther away. My body cried at the loss.
What was happening to me?
I needed space. I needed room to catch my breath and figure out how to stop this.
My hands shook as I pulled my clothes on and tiptoed out of the room. My breaths came quickly and erratically as my heart pounded in my chest. My eyes burned with tears.
Fuck. I didn’t have my car. It was back at the club. I paced back and forth, considering my options. It was close to two in the morning; Harper wouldn’t appreciate a call. Cassie had a new baby; I sure as fuck wasn’t waking her up.
I was panicking. I felt trapped, as if I was about lose my shit in David’s place. I pulled my phone out and my hands shook so hard that I couldn’t dial right. It felt as though I was having a panic attack. Why? Because it felt as though something was brewing inside me with David? Because I felt out of control? Because the walls erected around my heart were shaking and threatening to collapse?
Why did the thought of feeling something haunt me? Why did it make me feel I was losing my mind?
I threw open David’s front door and walked onto the porch to inhale the warm air. My hands continued to tremble and my heart threatened to beat out of my chest, but I couldn’t smell David all around me. I felt I could breathe. I closed my eyes and took deep gulps of air to rid the scent of David. He lingered on my skin so he wasn’t completely erased, but it was better somehow.
I stood there, inhaling and exhaling deeply as my heart slowed its pace and my hands calmed. My chest unwound and the sickness in my gut eased. I was finally able to think clearly.
I had feelings for David, strong feelings, bordering on the l-word feelings. I wanted to trust him. But I trusted and loved Robert. His memory held me back from truly being with David. It prevented me from moving forward.
I pulled my phone out and debated whom to call. Maybe a cab could take me back to my car.
That was my plan.
I Googled cab companies, and was about to press send when David appeared and stood beside me. He rested his elbows on the railing and turned toward me.
“Everything okay?” he asked. His smooth voice washed over me.
“Yeah. I just needed . . . space.” He was shirtless and his muscles rippled under his skin. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I didn’t. I kept my distance. I needed that distance.
“Space?” He studied my face. I nodded, but didn’t say anything. Even though we were outside, I felt him closing in around me.
“I thought you were asleep.”
“I woke up and you were gone.” His voice was even and unemotional. I had no idea how he felt about me being gone. “I guess you needed space.” I nodded and lifted my gaze to the moon.
It was just a sliver in the sky, but it provided enough light for me to see David. I didn’t want to see him, though. I wanted him to be back inside and me to be safely whisked away in a cab. “Let me grab a shirt. I’ll take you to your car.”
“Thank you.”
He straightened and scanned my face. “Sure.”
Before long, we were back in his car, roaring down the road. I kept my face averted, staring out the window. My eyes didn’t focus on anything in particular. I just didn’t want to look at David.
When he pulled up beside my car, he didn’t climb out. He didn’t say anything. He shoved it in park and looked over at me. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, so I got out and then got into my car. He pulled away.
Why did it feel as though he took a small piece of me with him?
I HADN’T SEEN or heard from David since our night that ended so disastrously. I couldn’t think about it because then too many questions and emotions came to the surface and I wasn’t interested in that. Things were fine before he came along, and I sure as fuck was going to be okay after him. We had our fun and I was determined to move on.
I wasn’t sure what made me want to run, though. When we were together, it was great. We had an amazing time and he made me feel. Why couldn’t I stay?
So, I tried to move on. I went out last night and got drunk off my ass. Any time a guy approached me, I brushed him off. Instead, I talked to the completely awesome—female—bartender. This morning I was hungover and had no interest in crawling out of bed at all. Maybe not even for the rest of the weekend. It’d depend on how much the rest of the day sucked.
At that exact moment, my phone rang. Checking my caller ID, I saw it was Harper. We hadn’t talked since the disastrous date she set me up on.
“Hey, Harp.”
“Hey, Roxie.” Her voice was small and she was clearly nervous. “How are you?”
“Hungover as hell and grumpy. That’s your warning.”
She chuckled. “Thanks. I don’t want to end up on the wrong side of Roxie.” We both giggled. My head pounded from the amount of alcohol I consumed, and I hated myself for it. I had no idea why I kept doing this to myself, especially in an effort to not think about David. It didn’t work, because now I was hungover, grumpy, and thinking about David. “Are you still pissed at me over the blind date?”
“No, I’m not. I wasn’t even really pissed that night. I was more shocked that you’d set me up with someone that awful.”
“Please don’t be angry, but I never met George before.”
“What?”
“Yeah. My friend Janet told me about him, and how attractive he was, and how it was such a shame that he was single, so I decided to set you up with him.”
“You set me up with someone you never laid eyes on? Someone you never talked to?”
“It was stupid, I know, but I want you to be happy.” Harper’s voice filled with tears. “I don’t want you to be alone. All your friends are in relationships and starting families. You’re still upset about something that happened six years ago.”
“Don’t go there, Harp. I’m not in the mood.”
&nb
sp; “No, it needs to be said. Robert fucked you over, and I’ll be the first to tell you what he did was fucked up. I’ve always been on your side, but I can tell you want something more. When you told me the feelings you had of maybe wanting to settle down, you got a peaceful look on your face. Maybe you need to explore that instead of fighting it so violently.”
Her words struck me, and I debated what to tell her. I was a jumbled mess of uncertainty and I didn’t like it. I was the type of person who liked to be in control. “I know. I’m just . . . I’m messed up right now.”
“What’s wrong? You know I’m here for you.”
I wasn’t sure if I should bite the bullet and tell her about David or not. I really didn’t want her to overreact and think we were getting engaged or starting a family. I definitely hadn’t found my happily ever after, but part of me yearned for that. I wanted someone who looked at me the way Jax looked at Cassie. I wasn’t sure if that made me weak or stupid, but I couldn’t fight the storm brewing inside me. I needed advice, desperately. “I ran into David again.”
A beat of deafening silence passed. I wasn’t sure if she’d hung up on me or the connection was lost. “David. As in the David?”
“Yes. The David.” After our night together a six years ago, I told Harper everything. It stung when he so quickly dismissed me. At the time I dismissed it as bruised ego, but now that I experienced the way his body called to mine, I wondered if it was something more. I wasn’t sure what that something was, but there was something simmering in the air between us.
Silence. The silence was so thick and heavy that I felt it pressing in on me. “You have to tell me more than that. Did something happen?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you going to give me one word answers, or are you going to tell me something?”
Everything poured out of me then, even things I hadn’t intended to say out loud. I told her about the sex, the flirting, the explosive chemistry, and the way something stirred inside me when he was around. By the end, I was spent. I felt drained and vulnerable, emotionally naked. Again, she was silent and I wanted to beg her to say something. Anything.
“Harper?” I finally asked when the silence had stretched for long minutes.
“I’m not sure what to tell you, Rox. It sounds like there might be something there, but if you keep running every time you’re around him, you’ll never know.”
“What if there is something there? What do I do?”
“You see where it goes. Open yourself up a little bit.”
Tears stung my eyes. “I can’t be hurt again, Harper. I don’t know if I can survive it.”
“Life is about hurt. We get hurt and we think we can’t continue on, but somehow we do. You’re so strong, Roxie. You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever met. David won’t destroy you. Only you can destroy yourself.”
Those words managed to knock all the air from my lungs. Was I destroying myself by being so locked up? Was I passing up the possibility of something being good just to protect my damaged heart? “I don’t feel strong. I feel scared.”
“You don’t have to open up completely to him. Take it slow. See where things can go.”
“What if I get hurt?” My voice was small and I tried to hide the way it wobbled with emotion by clearing my throat.
“I’ll be here to pick up the pieces, just like I was when Robert broke your heart.”
Tears pricked my eyes and slid down my cheeks. Thinking about this was too hard. I needed time to process it all. I switched the subject to her job and she, thankfully, went along with it. We talked for a while longer, though my mind was firmly planted with David. I had no idea where we stood since I kept running away from him.
I wasn’t even sure if I wanted things to change between us.
Why did he always tie me in knots?
BABIES. THERE WERE babies everywhere. Okay, there were only two babies, but I felt surrounded.
Cassie and Jax were having a barbecue. I was invited and so were Jax’s sister and brother-in-law, Ryanne and Will, plus my mother. Both couples just had babies recently, and I felt surrounded and trapped. Will was cradling his little girl in his arms as I held Haven in mine. I had no idea what was going on around me, because I was staring at these babies.
Was the biological clock a real thing? Because suddenly it seemed my ovaries were shriveling up and were going to die if they didn’t get put to use soon. Haven made a squeak, so I stood and walked with her a little, swaying her little body in my arms. I strolled out into Cassie’s backyard and cooed to the little girl.
“Hi, baby girl. You aren’t ready to see Mama yet, are you?” I stroked Haven’s cheek and she moved her face toward my finger. “Are you hungry?”
Her response was a beet red face and a wail. Out of nowhere, Cassie swooped in and took Haven out of my arms and up to the deck, where she promptly sat down to breast-feed her. I headed down to the lake in the back of their house and sat on a rock.
Something inside me was shifting and I wasn’t sure what it was. I felt alone. It’d been years since I felt this way, and even longer since someone important filled my thoughts. But David was firmly planted in them and I couldn’t shake him.
No amount of alcohol or dancing or shopping got him out of my head. Last night I went to a club and danced with a hot guy, but I kept feeling David’s eyes on me, even as my dance partner talked about his sister. I remembered the way my body felt more alert in his presence, and I wanted to feel that again. When did this life become not good enough for me? When did I want someone to share my life with? Did I want that?
As usual, I was a mess, and all I wanted was to see David. He hadn’t contacted me again, and though it was hard at times, I made myself maintain the radio silence.
A splash pulled me out of my thoughts as Ben ran into the water. He was in his shorts and shirt, so I knew Cassie wouldn’t be happy. But wasn’t that what aunts were for? Stretching the rules that Mom and Dad wouldn’t like?
“What are you doing, Ben?” I called out as he splashed water onto Smokie, his Husky.
“Playing!” he called out as Smokie bounded through the water toward him. It was true what they said about boys and their dogs. As soon as Cassie and Ben moved in with Jax, Smokie became more Ben’s dog than Jax’s. The way Jax watched Smokie and Ben together made it clear that Jax was just happy both the boy and dog were happy. And they were. They were rarely separated.
“Your mom won’t be happy to have you and Smokie soaking wet.”
Ben jumped as though he was going to land on top of Smokie and dunk him, but Smokie dodged and Ben face-planted into the water. As soon as he broke the surface, he laughed hard and Smokie lapped at his face. My heart squeezed in my chest and loneliness filled me.
I was even jealous of a little boy and his dog.
I was so fucked up.
I watched Ben and Smokie play for a while until Jax called us up for dinner. Will met Ben on the steps of the deck and wrapped a towel around his shoulders. Cassie and Ry looked up at him and smiled. There was just so much damned love. I felt like I was missing something—or someone.
We ate and I watched everyone together, feeling like the third wheel. Jax brushed barbecue sauce off Cassie’s chin and took the baby so she could eat. Will held baby Rosalie while he ate, seemingly unable to let go of the little girl. Ry leaned over frequently and pressed her lips to the baby’s head and Will’s lips. Ben fed Smokie scraps and we all pretended not to notice, though Jax ruffled his hair. It was like I was stuck in the middle of the Brady Bunch.
After dinner, my mom, Will, and Jax took Ben down to the lake to play more. Ry and Cassie held their daughters and I listened as they talked about married life. For the first time, it didn’t seem so bad. I shifted my focus to the boys in the lake and the aching loneliness hurt. I watched them for what felt like forever, the ache in my chest growing and changing.
Why did I want more all of a sudden? Was it the way my family was growing and changing while I s
tayed the same? Was it because of David?
Was it because of me?
“What are you thinking about, Roxie?” Cassie asked as she burped Haven. I shrugged, which caused Ry and Cassie to share a look.
“Guy trouble,” Ry remarked.
“Completely guy trouble,” Cassie agreed. She cradled Haven as the little girl drifted off to sleep. “Now, the question is what kind of guy trouble? Is it a guy who wants more from Roxie and she’s mad? Is she trying to figure out how to snare a particular guy for a one night stand?” Her eyes slid toward me, pinning me to the seat. “Or is it a guy who she perhaps feels more than a sexual attraction toward?” I flinched as her words hit home. Both Cassie and Ry made a humming noise and shared a knowing look.
“Who has you all tied up in knots, Rox?” Ry asked. She shifted Rosalie in her arms and kissed her little bald head.
“He has to be someone really special to have ice heart here all broken up.” Cassie smirked at me, and I wanted to kick her to wipe the smartass grin off her face. Since she was holding Haven, I didn’t. But I wanted to. Really badly.
“How hot do you think he is?” Ry smiled at Cassie as they discussed me.
“He has to be unbelievably hot. Like underwear model hot.”
“I bet he’s a beast in bed.” Cassie and Ry cracked up at that.
“You know I’m right here!” I yelled. Sure, everything they said was true, but they didn’t need to talk about me like I wasn’t even there. “Fuck!”
“The babies!” Cassie gasped in horror.
“They don’t know what I’m saying, Cass. If you don’t want me to swear, don’t piss me off, and stop talking about me like I’m not sitting right here. It’s annoying.”
“Then how about supplying us with some answers so our minds don’t go crazy.” Cassie raised a challenging eyebrow. She didn’t think I’d spill my guts because I was notoriously tightlipped about the men in my life. Or, rather, the men passing through my life. That David slipped through only showed how in knots he had me.
