by Helen Warner
Amy had had that glow too, with Megan. But not this time. This time the glow had been replaced by a knot of dread in her stomach. When had everything changed so drastically? She tried to pinpoint a moment, a day even, but it was so gradual, so seeping, that by the time it had happened, it was too late to reverse it. She didn’t recognize herself any more. Back then, at the beginning, she had been so full of… she grappled for the right word… joy. Yes, she had been joyful.
A tiny scintilla of light made her smile fleetingly at the memory of what she had been like, before the walls of her brain closed in, smothering it. ‘Smug,’ he had told her. ‘You were unbearably smug.’
And he was right. That was the worst part. Who did she think she was, being so full of herself? Being so infuriatingly happy all the time? She actually made herself sick, let alone anyone else.
But Nick loved her, despite all her faults. She swallowed hard, trying not to think of what would be waiting for her when she got home. He was so angry that she was leaving him and Megan for the weekend. He couldn’t understand how she could do it. How she could care so little about their child that she would prefer to go off gallivanting with her friends, no doubt trying to pick up men along the way.
The mere thought of Amy trying to pick up men was laughable. She couldn’t remember the last time she had even smiled at another man. Actually, that wasn’t true. She used to smile at the postman and enjoyed a chat with him most mornings. Until Nick told her that she was embarrassing herself by flirting. After that, she had taken in her parcels with nothing more than a cursory ‘Thank you,’ prompting an initial small, puzzled frown from the middle-aged, round-faced, eternally jolly postman.
She did feel guilty leaving Megan to come away this weekend, but she really needed some space. The pregnancy had only added to her increasing sense of being trapped. She sometimes felt as though she was holding her breath for days on end, waiting for his next outburst. It wasn’t as if he had ever physically hurt her – except for a couple of times when he had shoved her a bit roughly – but he could be vicious with his words.
And yet, he was incredibly generous too. He was forever buying her clothes, shoes, bags, jewellery and just about anything she could possibly want. In fact, now that she thought about it, he had bought everything she owned. He decided what she should wear and had very clear ideas about how she should look. There was no point in her buying anything for herself as he’d make her take it back, telling her it made her look fat and frumpy. Whenever he was home, she could feel him watching her, assessing her faults. It was exhausting.
Watching Sophie and Emily now, as they discussed the struggle to pay the mortgage, she felt a sharp stab of guilt. She was so lucky. She lived in a beautiful house and had more money than she could ever spend. She had plenty of help around the house and a nanny on tap for Megan, while both Sophie and Emily were constantly juggling the demands of being working mothers. She had absolutely nothing to complain about. And yet…
For a moment she thought about telling them what she was feeling. She could almost taste the relief at finally unburdening herself to someone. But she already knew that the words wouldn’t make sense. She would be accusing him of loving her too much. It would sound ungrateful and insane. Which is what she was, as Nick told her regularly. This is what she had wanted. She had wanted Nick to love her and look after her. Why couldn’t she just enjoy it?
‘Have you heard from her?’ Sophie looked expectantly across the table at Amy.
Amy frowned, trying to catch up with the conversation. ‘Who?’
‘Melissa. I wondered if you had heard from her after…’ Sophie’s words dropped into thin air as she tailed off, looking uncomfortable.
‘I did, yes. She called to apologize.’
Sophie tilted her head slightly. ‘That’s good, isn’t it? It means she realizes what she did was wrong. What did you say?’
‘I thanked her for the call and hung up.’
Amy felt Sophie flinch. ‘Oh. Right.’ There was a pause. ‘Did you tell Nick she’d called?’
Amy shrugged, a gesture completely at odds with how she felt. She’d told Nick about Melissa’s call that night and it had resulted in the biggest fight they’d ever had.
‘What are you suggesting?’ he had snarled, his handsome good looks temporarily rendered ugly with temper. ‘I hope you’re not insinuating that I’ve done anything wrong?’ The cadence of his voice dropped and became menacingly quiet. ‘Don’t ever question me, Amy, OK?’
Amy had swallowed hard as a punch of fear hit her in the stomach. ‘I wasn’t.’
‘Good. Because you need to start appreciating what you’ve got, Amy. Don’t you think I could have had my pick of women? But I chose you. And what do I get in return? Non-stopping fucking nagging!’
Amy mustered her courage. ‘I know. I’m sorry. But you do know that I saw you that night… kissing Melissa?’
‘I said, don’t fucking question me!’ Nick yelled, a sudden blush spreading from his neck to his face. He looked guilty as hell. Maybe it wasn’t just a kiss after all.
‘Nick, don’t be like this,’ Amy pleaded, searching his face for signs of the loving charmer who had wooed and beguiled her not so very long ago. But there was a coldness in his eyes that seemed set like concrete. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said again.
Nick shook his head and pursed his lips with disappointment but at the same time he reached out and encircled her with his arms. ‘Look, whatever you saw, it was nothing. Melissa did throw herself at me but that’s what she’s like, isn’t she? She’s just a slag. Probably best you don’t see her again anyway.’
‘I hope she’s OK,’ said Sophie, breaking into Amy’s thoughts. She looked away for a second. ‘And, I know you won’t want to hear this, Amy, but I miss her.’
Amy glanced at Emily and gave a small nod.
Emily took a long sip of her wine. ‘Well, the truth is, we both miss her too.’
Sophie looked from Emily to Amy, a little spark of hope igniting in her eyes.
Emily smiled slightly, before continuing. ‘So that’s why we’ve invited her this weekend. It’s your thirtieth birthday weekend, Soph. It doesn’t feel right to celebrate it without Melissa.’
Sophie’s eyes filled with tears and her face broke into a wide, incredulous smile as she looked at Amy, shaking her head. ‘I can’t believe you did that for me, especially you, Amy. How do you feel about it?’
Amy took a deep, shuddery breath, unsure how she was supposed to feel. On the one hand she still felt betrayed by Melissa. But on the other, she knew what had happened really did mean nothing. It was just a drunken – and perhaps something else – kiss. In truth, she didn’t really care that much. She had been too exhausted and preoccupied at the time with the baby. ‘I’m fine about it, Soph. Really.’
‘When is she coming?’ Sophie couldn’t hide the excitement in her eyes.
‘Tonight. She’s picking up a hire car at the airport.’
‘Are you sure that’s a good idea? Look what happened last time she was driving – she smashed up her Mini and ended up being arrested.’ Sophie chewed her lip nervously.
Emily shrugged. ‘Honestly? I don’t know for sure but I think she’s really trying to sort herself out. Last year in Camber Sands gave her a real shock. We’re like a family to her – closer than her own family for sure – so throwing her out was the wake-up call she needed. I think it might be time to give her another chance.’
‘Thank you.’ Sophie reached out and took Amy’s hand. ‘Thank you so much. I know how hard that must have been for you.’
Before she could stop herself, Amy had burst into tears. ‘Sorry,’ she said, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose on a napkin. ‘It must be the hormones.’
Sophie picked up her hand again. ‘Are you OK, Amy? You don’t seem yourself at the moment.’
‘I don’t know what “myself” means any more,’ Amy muttered, before giving Sophie’s hand a reassuring squeeze. ‘I’m fine. Really!’ s
he added, seeing the sceptical frown on Sophie’s face. ‘I’m glad Melissa’s coming. I’ve missed her too.’
Across the table, Emily and Sophie exchanged a glance and Amy retracted her hand. ‘I’m just nipping to the loo – back in a minute.’
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
‘Something’s very wrong, isn’t it?’ Sophie watched Amy as she walked towards the toilets. Even her posture was different. Before, she had walked like a ballerina, with her head held high and her beautiful, long neck poised and elegant. Now, her head was stooped and her shoulders rounded, as if she was trying to fold herself away. Trying not to be noticed.
‘It’s him,’ Emily replied, her dark eyes narrowing. ‘I knew he seemed too good to be true. Have you seen that he doesn’t stop ringing and texting her? He’s constantly checking up on her. And yet he’s the kind of man who tries to have sex with his wife’s friend just weeks after she’s had a baby? I know Melissa was in the wrong but at least she’s got the excuse that she was probably off her face. I bet he’s at it all the time.’
Sophie nodded, wanting to scoop Amy into her arms and tell her it was all going to be OK. But that would be a lie. Things were clearly far from OK.
‘I think she should stand up to him more – tell him to piss off and stop checking up on her.’
‘Hmm.’ Sophie gave Emily a rueful look. ‘That’s just not her, though, is it? She’s not like you and me – she’ll do anything to avoid a row.’
Emily shrugged. ‘I suppose you’re right. But the irony is that if she was to stand up to him, he’d probably have more respect for her and treat her a bit better.’
‘Yes, but that’s why he went for her and not either of us.’ Sophie shook her head sadly. ‘All that money… that lovely house. But even though it’s a struggle sometimes, I wouldn’t swap my life for hers, would you?’
Emily shook her head vehemently. ‘No way.’
‘You know, Melissa always said that too.’
‘Did she? When?’
‘Probably after he’d tried it on with her a few times. She used to say she wouldn’t mind the money but she definitely wouldn’t want the marriage.’
‘She’s surprisingly insightful sometimes.’
Sophie smiled. ‘She is. Thanks so much for inviting her this weekend, Em. It’s really made my birthday celebrations complete. Do you honestly think Amy will be OK with her?’
‘I’m sure she’ll be fine.’ As Emily spoke, Amy came back into view. She was pushing her phone into her handbag and her eyes looked damp. ‘Well, she’ll be fine about Melissa,’ Emily added under her breath. ‘Whether she’s fine about being married to an arsehole is another matter.’
‘Shall we go back to the hotel?’ Amy said as she reached the table, her upbeat tone at odds with her miserable appearance. ‘We told Melissa to meet us there.’
The hotel they were staying at stood on a white cliff above a wide, sandy beach. The views were spectacular – on a clear day like today they could even see the Scottish coast – and the suite Sophie had booked so that they could all share was vast and luxurious. Sophie opened the door to the balcony and stepped out into the late afternoon sun. It never got really hot here – there was too much of a breeze blowing off the Atlantic Ocean stretched out before her – but it was certainly warmer than she had ever known it. What a perfect week it had been and Melissa coming would be the icing on the cake. She was aching to see her.
As she looked out over the sea, she was reminded of their weekend in Whitstable, when she had confided in Melissa that she was pregnant with Emma. She had felt so scared, so confused and her emotions were in turmoil. This time there was no turmoil – only delight. She ran her hand over her stomach and smiled to herself. The bump was rounding nicely. She didn’t even care that she would be losing her hard-fought flat stomach. She could get it back again afterwards. It would be worth every extra ounce of weight she put on to have the chance to get it right this time. To enjoy the new baby, instead of feeling nothing but abject terror and loneliness.
Just then a small red VW pulled into the car park below her. Even before the car door opened, Sophie knew it was Melissa.
As she stepped out, Melissa looked up and caught Sophie’s eye. For a fleeting second, a shadow of worry passed across her face and she bit her lip nervously, her eyes sliding away from Sophie’s.
‘Melissa!’ Sophie yelled, waving frantically. ‘You’re here!’
Melissa’s face melted into a wide smile. ‘It was supposed to be a surprise!’ she shouted back.
‘It is! It’s the best surprise I could have had – get yourself up here right now!’
Within what seemed like less than a minute, Melissa was hammering on the door. As Sophie swung it open, Melissa flung herself into Sophie’s arms and burst into noisy sobs.
Sophie hugged her tiny frame. ‘No, Melissa! No tears allowed on my birthday weekend!’ Although in truth she was fighting them back herself.
‘Sorry,’ Melissa hiccoughed, wiping her hand across her eyes. Sophie took the opportunity to examine Melissa’s face. Even allowing for the tears, she looked a lot better than the last time they had seen her. Her skin was clear and her eyes were less bloodshot.
‘Hello, you,’ said Emily, coming forward to give Melissa a hug. ‘It’s lovely to see you.’
‘You too, Em.’ Melissa disengaged herself from Emily’s embrace and looked anxiously around the room. ‘Where’s Amy?’
‘I’m here.’ Amy emerged from the far corner of the room, where she had been sitting furiously texting ever since they arrived. She looked at Melissa evenly. ‘I’m glad you’re here. We all are.’
Relief flooded Melissa’s features. ‘Amy… I just want to say—’
‘It’s fine,’ Amy interrupted, in a tone of voice she rarely used but which brooked no argument. ‘Really.’
Melissa hesitated and made as if to reach out her arms towards Amy, before seemingly changing her mind and just nodding instead. ‘OK.’
There was an awkward pause, before Sophie clapped her hands. ‘Right! Let’s get this party started…!’
‘Don’t get your hopes up too much, Liss,’ said Emily. ‘It’s only you and me drinking.’
Melissa frowned and looked from Sophie to Amy, before realization dawned. ‘Oh my God! You’re both pregnant? That’s amazing news – congratulations! And Emily, I hate to rain on your parade, but I’m afraid I’m not drinking at the moment either. I’m… well, let’s just say I’m trying to “work through my issues”.’ She made quotation marks with her fingers as she spoke.
Emily put her hands on her hips and sighed. ‘Well, that’s just great, isn’t it? Oh, sod it! There’s no point in drinking on my own. Looks like it’s a teetotal weekend for all of us then.’
CHAPTER NINETEEN
‘I’m so pleased for you – about the baby.’ Melissa linked her arm through Sophie’s as they walked barefoot along the beach in the early morning sun, the sky a vivid watercolour of orange and blue and the sea a vivid indigo, topped off with fluffy white swirls of surf.
Sophie smiled. ‘Thank you. It’s a bit different to the last time…’
‘I know. You weren’t in a great place. We lost you for a while there.’
‘You can talk!’ Sophie smiled ruefully down at Melissa, who looked fresh and pretty, with no make-up and her braids pulled back into a jaunty ponytail.
‘I’m sorry. I was a mess and it was inexcusable.’
Sophie shrugged, walking closer to the sea so that the water splashed over her feet. It was freezing, despite the warm weather. ‘Everyone has a reason why they behave like they do, Melissa, and you’re no different. I’m sorry for cutting you off like that. I just didn’t know how else to get through to you.’
‘I’m glad you did.’ Melissa pulled Sophie to a halt and they stood side by side, paddling in the shallows and gazing out over the waves. ‘It was what I needed. And I’m trying really hard. I’m not there yet but I am definitely better than I was.’
Sophie put her arm around Melissa’s tiny shoulders and gave her a quick hug. ‘That’s fantastic. I’m so proud of you.’
Melissa nodded. ‘I’m quite proud of myself, if I’m honest. I know I have a problem. I just couldn’t see it. Didn’t want to see it.’
‘No. Well, in that respect you’re no different from the rest of us. We all have things we don’t want to admit.’
‘But you’re OK now? You’re happy with things at home?’
Sophie nodded emphatically. ‘I am. Steve and Emma are just amazing and this pregnancy feels like the final piece of the jigsaw. It feels like a second chance to get things right.’
Melissa’s brown eyes clouded. ‘You’re so lucky, Soph. I’d give anything to have what you and Steve have.’
‘You’ve changed your tune – I thought you thought we were Mr and Mrs Boring?’
Melissa smiled ruefully and shook her head. ‘Not any more… Now I’m the boring one, being permanently single.’
‘Is there nobody on the scene?’
‘No. The truth is, I’ve spent so long hopping from one unsuitable man to another that I’ve got no idea how to have a normal, healthy relationship.’
‘I’m not sure anyone really knows that. There’s someone out there, Melissa. You just haven’t met him yet.’
Melissa laughed, showing her white, even teeth. She really was a natural beauty and it seemed inconceivable to Sophie that she couldn’t get a boyfriend. But then again, until now, she had been a bit of a handful.
‘Amy doesn’t seem quite as happy as you to be pregnant…’ Melissa began, as they moved off along the beach again, arms linked companionably.
‘No. Em and I are a bit worried about her, actually. She’s not herself at all.’
‘In what way?’
‘It’s as if she’s lost her…’ Sophie paused as she grappled for the word. ‘As if she’s lost her mojo.’
