The Secret Mother
Page 31
“Ricki – what she like doing?” I ask.
“She’s very creative: drawing, colouring, making things … Iain bought her a Polaroid for her tenth birthday and she loves taking pictures then making collages. There was a time when all her pictures were very dark – yin? We asked our social worker to take a look. She said it was normal and not to worry, that it would pass. She was working things through in her own way. But we’re always watching them and worrying.”
I starving for know. “Ricki ever ask about Chinese mum and dad?”
“No, never. We thought she’d have lots of questions. We figure in time she might want to talk more about her past, but for now she’s keeping it all inside.”
“And Jennifer?”
“Jen’s more inquisitive, for sure. She’s already said she wants to learn about China and maybe go back there one day.”
I feel excited when Nancy say this. I want to see her straight away. “Where they go today?” I ask.
Nancy clear away empty soup bowls. “They’ve gone to play with friends. There’s another set of twins in their class at school. I’ve got to go pick them up at four.”
It three o’clock already. Time, it go too quick. I want stay forever and find lost years. I want make new years together. I want to live in family of two children, three parent.
“Mrs Milne, perhaps Jennifer want to learn Chinese?” I say, short of time.
Nancy she at sink, filling kettle. Her shoulders look tense. I know I say something forbidden. She not stop getting cups from cupboard, keeping hands busy so she not have to look at me.
“We’re just not sure it’s a good idea, May.”
“She like China, no?”
“Yeah, she does.”
“Then it good to learn language. Improve understanding of culture.”
Nancy rub her head like she rubbing away bad thought. “It’s just … I suppose it is the right thing to do,” she say to herself. “I can’t keep her to myself forever. You’re right, Jen should be able to learn Chinese if she wants to. It’s only fair that she finds out for herself.”
I have no idea the decision is so hard for Nancy. I think it only me who has to make tough choice about whether daughters they stay or go.
“I have very competitive rates!”
Nancy give a broken laugh. I wonder why? Money big consideration; important to know how much lesson cost before she agree. I set careful price. Same as guitar lesson. I check the Indian shop window.
“Where do you live?” asks Nancy.
“No, no, I come to you. It better for student.”
“It would have to be a Saturday morning; Sundays are our family days. It’s Iain’s only day off.”
“Saturday good day for me too.” I try not to sound like I landing on moon, excited for new discovery.
Nancy take giant breath like she dive under water. Her face very expressive. This why photographer like Iain loving her.
“You know, letting go is a strange thing, May. What is it they say, if you love someone you should let them go? It’s not that easy though, is it? This might sound strange, but I suppose I’m scared that if Jennifer learns Chinese she might decide she likes it better … China, that is. Oh dear, that must sound very childish of me.”
“Maybe daughters they come back?”
Nancy reach out suddenly and is hugging me. I am surprised to find myself tight against chest of foreign woman. Nancy soft around edge. Why she hold me this way? What I say? I only speaking truth, this time.
My daughters they coming into my life again. I am having need for patience. Next Saturday will be first lesson with Jen. Maybe soon, Ricki also want to meet China and her mother. I leave tidy Milne house like Tom Cruise: Mission Impossible complete.
Back at Mrs Eva bedsit I write in ‘Wide-Rule Notebook’. I try capture feelings way Iain capture face beside window. Room is dark. I open curtain and it still dark. Tomorrow I buy fresh flowers from market to cheer up room. It not good for a mother to feel like she at her own funeral. Too long I am dead woman. Time for May to live.
But May, who she is? Illegal immigrant, living Greater Manchester, teaching Chinese. She story with new chapter for writing every day. Saturday, new words to add, new pages in book of May. A daughter to meet and lots of possible endings. It important for me to keep learning English to be good teacher. This language still so chewy in my mouth. I not always understanding what they say when they talk through nose, those Mancunians. But I am here!
It like I am sitting on big stone I keep secret – stone is past in China. How long until stone roll away and everyone realise May is Mai Ling? That for future, a different chapter. For now, it only present tense. Present most important tense in Chinese language. Writing feelings down in ‘Wide-Rule Notebook’ best thing to do.
I write until room turn black and I no longer seeing my writing on page. Right hand, it ache. It forget how to work hard, way it work in China. I turn on lamp, go to wardrobe and find carrier bag. I want to look one more time at old things Fei Fei bring to Bluewater Hotel. One thing stand out from all my belongings: Yifan’s book, Traditional Tales from China. Good book for teaching Jennifer. She want to know all about where she from, here – old China. Understanding country is about understanding past. Same with people. Why I not know this before now? Yifan know it, but he very wise. That why he’s doctor and I little nobody working in factory. I miss him same way plant miss sun in winter.
I climb into bed. Words in Yifan’s Traditional Tales are lively, they jumping like sparks. Long time, I stare at words on page, at drawings. They brighten dingy bedsit and heart. I like light plugged into socket when I read. This what my twins miss. They also needing spark in their Chinese soul.
My right hand, it hot when I turn page and find story of the ‘double happiness’. I not even knowing this in here! It so long since I am hearing this story. Student who fall in love on his way to capital. A picture of the couplet written in beautiful red ink on next page, just like Little Brother and I paint on door at Spring Festival. Two symbols, they join together. Student and his lover. Mother and her babies, I think. It very old story. Today it feel new – like me.
I see Yifan in God’s Help Hospital where he work, so brave, so full of good. My heart, it ache a little to think this kind man forget all about me. More than ten years since we are speaking … I close Traditional Tales. My eyes, they heavy and ready for sleep. Today big day in life of May. Finally I step inside Milne family house. I talk to Nancy about my girls. Tomorrow feel exciting possible.
Last thing I see before my eyes close is portrait done by Iain. May, she stare at me. If she speak, portrait say she finally okay. May alive and hoping well. Alive in daughters. She even smiling truthful smile. What she thinking, this secret mother? That her babies they be right as rain, as Mrs Eva say.
Acknowledgements
I have been greatly blessed by a number of individuals, without whom this book would simply not have been written.
My praying friends: Sarah O’Sullivan, Lucille Toumi, Lucy Dobson and Nicola Allatt. You encouraged me to dream, believe and achieve this book whilst trusting in the Lord.
Steve O’Connor, thanks for your writing exercise on plot which led to a short story that grew into The Secret Mother, and Fran Brewin for your warmth and early encouragement. The talented writers on Lancaster University’s Creative Writing MA 2007-08 made it one of the best year’s of my life – thank you all. Deborah Swift and tutor George Green, your wise and generous insights improved this book and made a lasting impact on my writing.
Special thanks to the families who welcomed me into their homes and allowed me to ask questions about the long road to adopting Chinese daughters. As loving families go, yours are amongst the best.
The enthusiasm of my first readers blew me sideways and I’ll always remember our special book feast. Ross Allatt, Sally Bowden and Rachel James I’m so grateful for your shrewd feedback and kind words.
The ‘lovely ladies’ from my book group
: Caroline Mathole, Katie Levell, Jo Wysel and Sarah Boley. For sharing life, as well as great reads. Thanks, also, to the book groups who voted for my novel as part of the Hookline competition and Yvonne Barlow, my editor, who made the novel a published reality.
My family: how can I sum up your massive love and support? Thank you for believing in me at all times. Especially you, Mark, for living and breathing this book, well into the small hours, with such patience and shared joy.
Finally, to the one I call Father - thank you always, from your child.
Discussion Questions For Book Groups
1. May keeps her identity as the twins’ birth mother a secret from them for six years. What else does she conceal and from whom?
2. Do you think secrets protect or harm the characters in the novel? Which character’s secret made the biggest impression on you and why?
3. May is sixteen when she leaves home. The twins, Jen and Ricki, are sixteen when they realise May is their birth mother. How does the author portray growing up? How are the twins’ experiences of adolescence similar to May’s? How do they differ?
4. In what ways does May’s character evolve? Do your feelings towards her change over the course of the novel?
5. Which character provoked the strongest reaction in you, and why?
6. Different kinds of love are depicted in the novel: parental, sibling, romantic and platonic. Which relationship interested you the most, and why?
7. To what extent do you think May was in control of her own fate, or was she a victim of circumstances?
8. How do the female characters in the novel exert their own will? What limits them?
9. The novel is set in Nanchang and Manchester. How would you describe the sense of place in The Secret Mother? What links the two cities? How does the novel present economic and cultural changes in post-Mao China?
10. What surprised or interested you about Chinese factory life?
11. May’s belongings reveal her to be the twins’ birth mother. What other objects are important in the novel, and what do they tell us about the secret mother? Which of your own personal effects reveals the most about you?
12. If the story was to continue, what do you think should happen next?
About the author
Victoria Delderfield was born in 1979. She grew up on the edge of the North York Moors, and has also lived in Burgundy, France. She holds a first class honours degree in English and French from The University of Manchester and an MA in Creative Writing from Lancaster University. She has worked in the charitable sector as a Marketing Manager. Victoria is a mother of two boys and lives in Manchester.
The Secret Mother is her first novel and was chosen for publication by book groups from across the UK.
@delderfi
www.victoriadelderfield.com
Published by Hookline Books
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The right of Victoria Delderfield to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
© Copyright 2015 Victoria Delderfield
A CIP catalogue for this book is available from the British Library.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
ISBN: 9780993287459
Cover design by Jessie Barlow
Printed and bound by Lightning Source UK