Mistletoe and Mayhem

by Catherine Ferguson

  But on a Monday morning, with winter approaching, there’s not a soul about.

  I smile bitterly, remembering how excited I’d been that morning at the prospect of a whole new life opening up. With very little money saved, I’ll be lucky if my redundancy money lasts me beyond Easter.

  The lake blurs and dances in my vision. My fingers are so cold, I can barely unwrap the last of the strawberry chews. The familiar tart/sweet flavour explodes in my mouth and I wait for a sense of calm to creep over me. But it doesn’t seem to be working.

  Then I think of Nathan.

  Nathan believes in me. He’s sure to see the positives in my situation.

  Losing my job is not the end of the world, he’ll say. In fact, it could be a brilliant opportunity for a fresh start.

  Suddenly, I’m filled with a longing to feel his arms tightly around me, telling me everything will be fine.

  I glance at my watch. It’s nearly noon. By the time I walk to the supermarket in Scarsby, Nathan will be on his lunch break. I’ll buy us some sandwiches and we can sit in his car and talk about the future.

  I’ll tell him I’ve decided to train with him for the Great Brig Run.

  He’ll be so pleased.

  Mind made up, I pocket the last of the chew wrappers, zip up my bulky shoulder bag as far as it will go and start walking along the lakeside road towards Scarsby. Icy needles of rain start to prick at my face but I pull up my hood and march on. Several times, I phone Nathan but his mobile is continually engaged.

  Never mind. I’ll surprise him!

  Flushed from my long walk, when I arrive at the supermarket, I head for the customer services desk and speak to Molly, who knows me well.

  ‘Hi, love,’ she says, picking up the internal phone. ‘Meeting Nathan for lunch? I’ll just buzz up …’

  She has a brief conversation with someone in the office.

  ‘He’s got a meeting at one,’ she tells me with a frown. ‘But he says he’ll see you at home later.’

  She sees my crestfallen expression. ‘But he probably won’t be long in his meeting. Do you want to hang around?’

  I nod gratefully.

  It’s wimpish, I know, but I really don’t want to go back to a cold, empty flat. Nathan’s positive take on everything will make me feel so much better. So I tell Molly I’ll go and sit on the seats by the tills and wait.

  I’m on my way over when someone beats me to it.

  Someone familiar.

  It’s Crystal Watson.

  She’s dressed up to the nines in a bodycon black dress and red heels, coat over her arm.

  My heart plummets, the way it does every time I see her, my mind flashing instantly back to that horrible time. Why did I have to run into her, today of all days?

  She’s seen me walking over – I can’t just swerve away – so I paste on a cheerful look and sit down beside her.

  ‘Well, hi!’ She flashes me a phoney smile. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘I thought I’d surprise Nathan.’

  ‘Oh, dear.’ Her eyes open wide in fake apology. ‘But I’m here to meet Nathan. We arranged it yesterday. So sorry, Lola.’

  I stare at her, bemused. She’s Nathan’s one o’clock?

  What on earth can it be about?

  Perhaps it’s something to do with the marathon they both took part in the other week. Nathan said a group from the gym were doing it together.

  A large woman with dark hair and a peachy complexion comes over and smiles at us. ‘Crystal Watson?’

  That must be Nathan’s work mate, Kelly. The one who told him to fuck off when he was laughing about her slimming club.

  Crystal stands up. ‘That’s me.’ She smiles and straightens her cute dress.

  Then she turns to me with a smug smile. ‘I’ll try not to keep him too long.’

  Kelly gives me a warm smile and takes Crystal away.

  There’s an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  There’ll be a perfectly reasonable explanation for the meeting, I’m certain of it.

  I’m aware of Molly at customer services giving me the odd worried look. And after a few minutes, I decide I can’t sit there any longer. I’ve got to be doing something.

  I wander over towards the exit and stop by the magazine stand to try Nathan’s mobile again. I know Crystal will be with him but surely when he sees my name come up, he’ll answer it.

  But his phone goes instantly to messages.

  I swallow and immediately redial. I hate myself for acting all stalker-like but I’ve got to speak to him.

  The third time I phone, he finally picks up.

  ‘Hi!’ I practically shout with relief, and a tall, well-built man browsing at the newspaper stand looks across.

  Half-turning, I lower my voice. ‘Um – hi, Nathan. Listen, I know you haven’t got time to talk right now but well, I’ve had some bad news.’

  There’s a brief, crackly silence. I never get a good signal when I phone Nathan at work.

  ‘What is it?’ he asks, sounding a million miles away.

  I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t phoned. I’m going to have to shout to be heard and the man at the newspaper stand will hear every word.

  Nathan says something else but his words are swallowed up by the Bad Signal Monster.

  ‘We can talk later,’ I yell as quietly as I can.

  ‘Sorry?’ Crackle-crackle.

  ‘Nathan, the phone’s not working properly. You’re breaking up on me.’

  There’s a great rushing sound, like wind, in my ear.

  Then Nathan’s voice reaches me so loudly and clearly, I nearly drop the phone.

  ‘I know, Lola,’ he says, his voice weirdly amplified. ‘It hasn’t been working for some time, has it?’

  He sounds like he’s talking through one of those old-fashioned megaphones.

  Right above my head. Must be the acoustics in here.

  ‘I completely agree,’ he’s saying. ‘Breaking up is absolutely the right thing to do.’

  My heart stalls.

  What?

  Breaking up?

  But I was talking about the phone signal.

  Not us!

  ‘No,’ I shout into the phone. ‘I didn’t mean I didn’t want to see you again, Nathan. You misunderstood me.’

  ‘Ah, that’s great, Lola,’ he says, in his God-like boom. ‘Because I really want to stay friends.’

  ‘Friends?’ I gasp in a panic.

  No, no, no!

  ‘We may not be totally compatible,’ God/Nathan announces majestically. ‘But I hope we will always be friends.’

  ‘Nathan,’ I whisper/shout, desperate to prove we do have things in common. ‘Listen to me. I’ve decided to do the Great Brig Run.’

  I catch the eye of Mr Newspaper Lurker. His mouth is curved in the hint of a smile and I turn away, irritated.

  I can’t stand big, muscle-bound men who spend every waking hour honing themselves to perfection. You can tell by the way he fills out that green waterproof jacket and the way his thighs are straining against the denim of his jeans that he’ll be the type who likes to ‘max it up’ and ‘beast it out’ in the gym.

  I try a glare but he smiles back.

  I just wish he’d get back to his bloody weights and stop ear-wigging on my private conversation!

  There’s a crackly pause and I’m sure I hear the sound of female laughter. Through my weirdly amplified phone, it sounds like a witch’s cackle.

  ‘Great Brig Run,’ I prompt Nathan. ‘I’m doing the Great Brig Run.’

  ‘Great Big Bum?’ booms God. ‘No, of course you haven’t got a Great Big Bum, Lola. I mean, yes, it’s fairly sizeable, but that’s absolutely not the reason I don’t want to see you any more.’

  The Hulk is pointing skywards with a doubled-over Financial Times.

  Urgently.

  It’s as if he’s heard every word of the conversation.

  A bolt of horror zips through my entire body.

  Oh m
y God, he really has heard every word.

  It’s that bloody faulty Tannoy system!

  That’s why Nathan sounds like an omnipotent being from on high. He’s accidentally talking into the frigging Tannoy!

  ‘Nathan, fuck off and stop talking right now!’ I hiss into the phone, cheeks blazing beneath the gaze of fifty or so shoppers who’ve apparently also heard every humiliating word.

  They’d innocently popped in for a loaf of bread – and found themselves treated to a supermarket special they would never forget!

  Nathan talks on, clearly oblivious. ‘The sex was great,’ he’s saying. ‘Although I did hate having to say “no” to you all the time before a big event.’

  ‘Shut up, Nathan! You’re on the fucking Tannoy, you fucking idiot!’

  The Hulk covers his mouth and coughs, like something’s gone down the wrong way.

  I need to get out of here. And fast!

  I blunder forward, aiming for the speediest exit from a supermarket since supermarkets were invented.

  But The Hulk is blocking the way.

  When I try to move round him, he steps helpfully the same way in his massive lumberjack boots.

  And when I step sideways, so does he.

  Oh my God.

  Now I’m actually waltzing with the bloody man.

  ‘Whoah! Are you okay?’ His huge paw descends on my shoulder.

  I shrug it off and fix him with a glare, my cheeks blazing hotter than Lanzarote in July.

  ‘I’ve just been made redundant. I’ll get a pay-off that might just about keep my budgie in seed for six months. If I had a budgie. And everyone in the shop knows about my sad, on-off sex life.’ I throw out an arm to indicate the gawping crowd and narrowly miss biffing him on the nose. ‘And to cap it all, my boyfriend just broke up with me. Over a bloody loudhailer!’

  He holds up his hands in mock alarm and steps back.

  I barge past him and collide with a family of four and a nun, before making it to freedom …

  Chapter Six

  I catch a bus back into Pottersdale, go straight to Nathan’s and snuffle my way around his apartment, packing all my stuff into one of his sports bags. Then I call a taxi. If he wants his bag back he’ll have to come and collect it.

  Back at the flat, I go to my room, flump on the bed and stare up at the ceiling. Everything is churning chaotically around in my head, each image jarring against the next like the climax of a horror movie.

  Me bouncing into the boss’s office with happy expectations of promotion. The discomfort on Marla’s face when she had to deliver the grim news of my redundancy. Walking out of the office for the very last time. Buying the strawberry chews in a daze (did I actually pay for them? I can’t remember) and walking to the lake. Feeling sure Nathan would make it all better. And then the whole sad farce in the supermarket that proved me totally wrong.

  Tears slide down into my hair.

  And if all this wasn’t bad enough, there was that irritating hulk of a man lurking at the newspaper stand and witnessing every excruciating detail of my horrible Tannoy humiliation.

  Feeling suddenly more furious than upset, I sit up and dash away the tears.

  Then I fetch cleaning materials from the kitchen and start blitzing the flat like it has never been cleaned before. I dust everywhere, including the skirting boards, and I even get under the beds and remove the dust bunnies and the old pizza plate from underneath Barb’s.

  Half-way through scrubbing the bath, the phone rings and it’s Barb, wanting to know if I’m okay. She’s apparently been trying to get through all morning since she heard about the redundancies, but my phone was switched off.

  When she hears about Nathan, she goes very quiet and asks me if I’d like her to nip home right now. But I assure her I’m fine and that I’ll see her later.

  I get back to tackling the bath but after a few minutes, my head starts to swim and I really think I’m going to faint.

  And then the doorbell rings.

  Who …?

  It can’t be Barb. She couldn’t have got back already.

  Slinking into the living room, I decide to lie low on the sofa until whoever it is goes away.

  But a knock on the window puts paid to that plan.

  Nathan.

  My heart does a giant thud. I’d switched off my phone so I didn’t have to speak to him. But now I’m going to have to face him.

  He stares in at me, his hand raised in a sheepish greeting, and then he has the cheek to mouth, ‘Sorry.’

  Swallowing hard, I trail to the door, trying not to care that my mascara has no doubt migrated to my chin.

  Nathan stands there in his charcoal grey suit and white shirt, tie loosened rakishly, his face contrite and even a little vulnerable.

  Bloody typical.

  He looks like the new James Bond.

  I look like shit.

  ‘God, Lola, I’m so sorry.’ His arms are stretched wide. ‘I can’t believe we got our wires crossed like that.’

  He does actually look devastated.

  ‘It was probably for the best,’ I tell him icily. ‘At least I know how you really feel about me now.’

  ‘But I don’t think you do.’ He moves towards me and gently places his hand on my arm. ‘You’re bright and gorgeous and sexy. And I’ve never met anyone like you before. And you know what?’

  ‘What?’ I try to sound as if I’m not bothered.

  But then his other hand is suddenly around my waist, ruining my pathetic attempt at a cold front.

  ‘It kills me that I’ve made you look so sad.’

  I swallow hard, staring at his left shoulder, willing myself not to cry.

  ‘Lola, look at me. Please.’ He dabs gently with his thumb at a gathering teardrop. ‘You know, I’d absolutely hate it if you weren’t in my life.’

  He looks so genuinely gutted, I suddenly find myself wondering if maybe I’ve got the wrong end of the stick. Perhaps he didn’t really want to break up. Maybe it was all, as he said, just a stupid mix-up.

  He deserves a chance to explain.

  So when he moves towards me, I step back to let him over the threshold, and before I know what’s happening, I’m pinned against the wall and Nathan is kissing me. Not passionately but tenderly, which for some reason is far more erotic, and my cold front is starting to thaw faster than an iced-up freezer compartment blasted with a hair dryer.

  I bury my face in his neck, breathing him in, the smell of his skin … that familiar scent of – jasmine?

  Reality bursts in on our fledgling reunion.

  Either Nathan has taken to wearing a sickly sweet perfume, or that scent belonged to someone else altogether.

  I pull away and peer at him. ‘Nathan, what were you talking about to Crystal in that meeting at lunchtime?’

  ‘Uh?’

  I wriggle out of his grasp. ‘Crystal. Why did you want to see her at Freshfoods?’

  ‘Wasn’t a meeting,’ he mumbles. ‘She just turned up.’

  I frown. ‘Molly on customer services definitely said you had a meeting.’

  ‘It was about the Great Brig Run.’ He shrugs. ‘We’re training together for it.’

  ‘But I was going to do it with you.’

  ‘Yeah, but it’s not really your thing, though, is it?’ he says, looking at the floor.

  ‘Well, it could be.’

  His look is shifty. ‘I – um – don’t think Crystal would like it.’

  ‘Hang on.’ I stare at him incredulously. ‘Are you telling me you’ve been seeing Crystal behind my back?’

  ‘No, of course not.’ He looks genuinely horrified. ‘But she’s really up for taking her fitness to the next level and she needs my help.’

  I laugh bitterly. ‘And I expect mattress bouncing will feature heavily in your exercise plan.’

  His awkward shrug tells me all I need to know.

  I’m beginning to get the picture. And it’s not a pretty one.

  ‘So basically, I’ve been d
umped because I don’t want to take my fitness to the next level?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Well, that’s how it looks.’

  He sighs. ‘Look, when we met, you’d just joined the gym and you seemed really keen on getting fit. And I thought if I could turn an unfit woman like you into an athlete, I could – well …’

  ‘Well what?’

  He shrugs. ‘Have what it takes to be a good personal trainer.’

  My mouth drops open.

  ‘I mean, you weren’t that unfit,’ he says, back-tracking hastily. ‘Not at all. You just needed – well, someone like me.’

  He smiles and kisses my nose.

  I do not smile back. ‘So let me get this straight. I was an experiment?’

  Nathan looks confused.

  ‘I was a bloody experiment!’

  He laughs nervously. ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

  ‘No, come on, admit it!’ The realisation is making me feel quite sick. ‘I was your guinea pig.’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘You wanted to see if you had the skill to turn a couch potato like me into a marathon runner!’

  ‘I wouldn’t put it quite—’

  ‘Well, I would. Face it, Nathan, I was the sporting bloody equivalent of Eliza Fucking Doolittle.’ I march to the front door and hold it wide. ‘If I were you, I’d leave immediately—’

  He hesitates so I hit him with the ultimate threat. ‘Before Barb gets back and puts a curse on you.’

  He’s out of the door in a flash.

  ‘One more thing. If you’re with Crystal now, what the hell were you doing kissing me?’

  He raises a lascivious eyebrow. ‘Ever heard of friends with benefits?’

  ‘Never gonna happen.’

  ‘You’ll just go to seed now.’ He shakes his head regretfully. ‘Without me to keep an eye on your weight, you’ll start to balloon.’

  As I slam the door, I hear him shouting, ‘And believe me, that’s not an attractive look!’

  I lean back against the door, trembling with hurt and fury. How could I have been so stupid? Imagining Nathan truly cared about me. If Barb was able to see through his charm, why couldn’t I?

  Self-disgust trickles through me. I know exactly why. I’ve been completely blind to Nathan’s faults. The thought that someone as attractive as him would actually want to be with me felt amazing. And he’d seemed to believe in me, far more than I believed in myself.