MA09 Myth Inc in Action

by Robert Asprin

  “Without proper paperwork,” he had said, “the army will bog down and cease to be effective...” And, as you know, the effectiveness of the army was a matter of no small concern to me and Nunzio.

  THE WAREHOUSE WHICH was Supply Depot Number Thirteen was truly immense, which is to say it was big. In fact, it was so huge that youse got the feelin’ that if the weather turned bad, they could move all the stuff out of here and have the war indoors. The only trouble with that idea was that by the time they got everythin’ moved out, odds are they would have forgotten what it was they was fightin’ about in the first place... but even if they could remember, they’d probably be too tired to want to fight about it.

  There was racks of stuff everywhere, with aisles big enough to drive a wagon down scattered around so as to carve everythin’ into a series of islands, and lots of tunnels and crawlspaces twistin’ their way into each of the islands. It occurred to me upon first viewin’ this expanse that it was gonna be a perfect base of operation for us, as when and if anythin’ went wrong, it would make one whale of a hideout. This thought was amplified when we discovered that the crew what had worked here before us had apparently opted to live on-site, as there were a lot of “nests” and hole-ups around the warehouse furnished with cots and hammocks and pillows and other stuff obliviously filched from the piles of supplies.

  In short, it was a sweet setup, and the crew loses no time settlin’ in, after some of them scattered and went explorin’ to find out just what sort of stuff we have inherited to ride herd on while a couple of us tried to make sense out of the paperwork and charts heaped up on the desks.

  “Hoo-ey!” Shu Flie sez, emergin’ from the stacks with his brother at his side. “I’ve never seen so much stuff in one place! They got everything here!”

  “A lot of it’s pretty old, though,” Hy Flie sez. “We had newer stuff than some of this junk back on the farm... and most of that stuff is still around from Pop Flie.”

  “Pop Flie?” I sez before I has a chance to think about whether or not I really wants to hear the answer.

  “That’s our grandpa,” Shu explains. “Course, sometimes we call him...”

  “I get the picture,” I sez, interruptin’ before he can explain any more. It occurs to me to make a point of not ever visitin’ the Flie residence.

  “What I can’t figure,” Junebug sez, joinin’ our discussion, “is how they keep track of all this stuff. I mean, there doesn’t seem to be any order or scheme to how things are stored. It’s like they just keep pushing the old pile further back and stack the new stuff in front as it comes in without any effort to group things by category.”

  This sounds uncomfortably like the beginnin’ of an idea which could improve our efficiency... which is, of course, the last thing my cousin and me want to see happen. Sneakin’ a glance at Nunzio, I can see he’s thinkin’ the same thing, and catchin’ my eye he gives a little shake of his head to confirm that observational.

  “Ummm... I don’t guess it is such a bad system, Junebug,” I sez, thinkin’ fast. “I mean, would you want to rearrange all this stuff to make room for each new shipment as it comes in?”

  “You could get around that by leaving extra room in each storage category,” he sez, not backin’ off from his idea. “We gotta do something to organize this mess. Otherwise, we’ll be spending all our time just trying to locate each item when we have to fill an order. I can’t see how they’ve been operating around here without some kind of system.”

  “They’ve got a system all right,” Spellin’ Bee sez, lookin’ up from the Forms Instruction Manual he was readin’. “The problem is they’ve got so much duplicate paperwork to fill out they probably never had any time left over to try to organize the warehouse itself! I can’t believe they expect us to fill out all these forms for every item in and out of inventory.”

  What the officer told me flashes across my mind, and it gives me an idea.

  “Do you think you can come up with a better trackin’ system, Bee?” I sez.

  “Probably,” he sez, shuttin’ the instruction manual. “Let’s see... we’d need some sort of floor map... two of them actually, one so we know what’s already here and where it is, and a second to establish the redefined areas... and then a simple In/Out Log so we could track the movement of items...”

  “Okay,” I interrupts, “get started on it. Figure out what we’re gonna have to do and what you’ll need in the way of information.”

  This, of course, earns me a hard look from Nunzio.

  “I... If you say so, Guido,” Bee sez hesitantly, glancin’ at the instruction manual. “But shouldn’t we be following the established procedures?”

  “Just go ahead and work up your plan,” I sez. “We’ll worry about fillin’ out the army paperwork after we get this place functionin’ the way we think it should.”

  “Okay,” Bee shrugs. “Come here a second, guys, and I’ll show you what I need. If you can start mapping out what’s already here, I can start roughing out an In/Out Log, and...”

  “Excuse me, Sergeant Guido,” Nunzio sez. “Can I have a word with you... in private?”

  “Why certainly, Sergeant Nunzio,” I smile, givin’ it right back to him, and follow him as he moves a little ways away from where the crew is huddlin’.

  “What are you trying to do?” he hisses, as soon as we are alone. “Maybe I missed a loop, but I was under the impression that improving efficiency was the last thing we wanted to do here!”

  “It is,” I sez, “except everyone on the crew is thinkin’ just the opposite. I’m just stallin’ for a little time by insistin’ that Bee come up with a complete plan before we actually have to implement any changes.”

  “Okay,” Nunzio nods, “but what happens after he finishes comin’ up with a new set up?”

  “Then we either stall some more... or see if things will actually get fouled up more if we go ahead and try to go against army procedures. The officer what was briefin’ me seemed pretty certain that the whole army will grind to a halt if all that paperwork Bee is talkin’ about doesn’t get filled out. At the very least we should have a chance to find out whether or not he is right.”

  “I dunno,” my cousin frowns. “It seems to me that...:

  “Guido! Nunzio!!”

  We turn to find an apparition bearin’ down on us. At first, I think it is one of those new armored wagons the army has been experimentin’ with... only done up as a parade float. Then I look again, and see that it’s...

  “Massha!”

  By the time I get this out, our associate has reached us, wrappin’ one meaty arm around each of us in a humongous hug.

  “I heard you guys were here and just had to come by and say ‘Hi’!”

  Because I am sorta to one side of her instead of directly in front of her, I can see past her to where our crew has stopped what they are doin’ to gape at us... which is the normal reaction of folks what is seein’ Massha for the first time.

  “H... Hi, Massha,” Nunzio sez, managin’ to squirm loose. “How are things going? Any word from the Boss?”

  “Not a peep,” Massha sez, lettin’ go of me. “There were some funny signs coming through a while back on the monitor ring I gave him, but they settled down and since then everything seems to be normal.”

  “Do you think he’s okay?” I sez. “He’s been gone nearly three weeks now.”

  “Maybe... maybe not,” she shrugs. “Remember that time doesn’t flow at the same speeds on all dimensions. It may only have been a few days where he is.”

  “I get it.” Nunzio nods solemn-like. “Like in Moorcock’s Eternal Champion books.”

  “That’s right,” Massha beams. “As to your other question, things couldn’t be going better. Hugh and I are hitting it off like a house afire. I’ll tell you boys, I don’t like to brag, but I’ve got him so lovesick, I don’t think he remember
s that he’s in the army... much less that he’s supposed to be running it.”

  Now, I haven’t read the book they was chattin’ about a second ago, but this is somethin’ I can comment on.

  “Ummm... Massha?” I sez. “That may not be such a good thing.”

  “What do you mean?” she sez, her smile fadin’ as she looks back and forth between Nunzio and me. “That was my assignment, wasn’t it?”

  “Tell her, Guido,” Nunzio sez, dumpin’ the job of givin’ Massha the bad news in my lap.

  “Well, the way I’m hearin’ it,” I sez, wishin’ I was dead or otherwise preoccupied, “the army is functionin’ better without him.”

  “But that doesn’t make sense!”

  “It does when you consider that the layer of officers directly under him trained and served under Big Julie,” Nunzio sez, redeemin’ himself by comin’ to my rescue. “The more you keep him away from his troops, the more those officers get to run things their way... and it seems they’re better at this soldierin’ than General Badaxe is.”

  “So you’re saying that the best thing I could do to louse up things is to let Hugh go back to commanding the army?” Massha sez, chewin’ her lower lip thoughtful-like. “Is that it?”

  “So it would seem,” I sez, relieved at not havin’ to be the first to voice this logical conclusion. “I’m really sorry, Massha.”

  She heaves a huge sigh, which on her is really somethin’, then manages a wry grin.

  “Oh well,” she sez. “It was fun while it lasted. Nice to know I can still distract a man when I set my mind to it, though.”

  Politeness and self-preservation convince me to refrain from makin’ any editorial additions to this comment.

  “I guess I’ll just say my goodbyes and head back to Big Julie’s,” she continues. “Any word from the other team?”

  “They’ve called it quits, too,” Nunzio sez. “You’ll probably see them when you get to Big Julie’s and they can fill you in on the details.”

  “So it’s all riding on the two of you, huh?” she sez, cocking an eyebrow at us. “Well, good luck to you. I’d better get moving and let you get back to work. It looks like your friends are waiting for you.”

  I glance over where she is lookin’ and sure enough, the whole crew is standin’ there, alternately glancin’ at us and mutterin’ together.

  Wavin’ goodbye to Massha, we ambles over to join them.

  “Who was that?” Spyder sez, kinda suspicious-like.

  “Who, that?” I sez, tryin’ to make it casual. “Oh, just an old friend of ours.”

  “Scuttlebutt has it that she’s the general’s girlfriend,” Junebug sez in a flat voice.

  “Where’d you hear that?” Nunzio sez, innocent-like.

  “Here and there,” Junebug shrugs. “Face it, there can’t be many people around Headquarters who would fit her description.”

  He had us there.

  “Isn’t it about time you guys told us exactly what is going on?” Spellin’ Bee sez.

  I realize, far too late, that we have been seriously underestimatin’ the intelligence of our crew.

  “What do you mean by that?” Nunzio sez, still tryin’ to bluff his way out of it.

  “Come on, Nunzio,” Junebug sighs, “it’s been pretty obvious since Basic that you and Guido here don’t really belong in the army. You’ve got too much going for you to pass yourselves off as average recruits.”

  “You fight too good and shoot too good for someone who’s supposed to be learnin’ all this for the first time,” Shu Flie sez.

  “...And you’ve got too many connections in high places,” Spyder adds, “like with the Mob.”

  “...And with devils,” Bee supplies.

  “...And now with the general’s girlfriend,” Junebug finishes. “All we want to know is, what are you guys really doing in the army? I mean, I suppose it’s none of our business, but as long as we’re servin’ together, what affects you affects us.”

  “Bee here thinks you’re part of some secret investigation team,” Hy Flie sez, “and if that’s what’s going on we’ll try to help... unless it’s us you’re supposed to be investigating.”

  “Well, guys,” Nunzio sez, shakin’ his head, “I guess you found us out. Bee’s right. You see, the army wants us to...”

  “No,” I sez, quiet-like.

  Nunzio shoots me a look, but keeps goin’.

  “What Guido means is we aren’t supposed to talk about it, but since you’ve already...”

  “I said ‘No,’ Nunzio!” I sez, squarin’ off with him. “The crew’s been playin’ it straight with us all along. I say it’s time we told them the truth... the real truth.”

  Nunzio hesitates, as he is not real eager to go head to head with me, then glances back and forth between me and the crew.

  “Okay,” he sez finally. “It’s your funeral... go ahead and tell them.” Then he leans against the desk with his arms folded while I fill the crew in on our assignment... startin’ with how the Boss’s plan to keep Queen Hemlock from tryin’ to take over the world fell apart when King Rodrick died, right up to our current plans to try to use our position in the supply depot to mess up the army’s progress. They’re all real quiet while I’m talkin’, and even when I’m done no one sez anythin’ for a long time.

  “Well,” sez Spyder, breakin’ the silence, “the way I see it, we can’t mess up every shipment or the army will just jerk us out of here. We’d better hold it down to one in five for a while.”

  “One in ten would be better,” Junebug sez. “Otherwise...”

  “Wait a minute! Stop the music!” Nunzio explodes, interruptin’ the conversation. “Are you guys sayin’ you’re willin’ to help us screw things up?”

  “Sure. Why not?” Shu Flie sez, puttin’ a hand on my shoulder. “You and the Swatter here have been lookin’ out for us since Basic. It’s about time we did something for you for a change.”

  “Besides,” his brother chimes in, “it’s not like you’re trying to bring down the kingdom or destroy the army. You’re just out to slow things up a little... and that’s fine by us.”

  “What it boils down to,” Spyder smiles, “is that after working with you two all this time, we know you well enough to trust you to not hurt us... or anyone else for that matter... unless it’s absolutely necessary. I think I speak for all of us when I say we’ve got no problem putting our support behind any plan you think is right. Am I right, guys?”

  There is a round of nods and affirmative grunts, but I am only half payin’ attention. It is occurrin’ to me that I am buildin’ a better understandin’ of what the Boss means when he sez he’s nervous about commandin’ more loyalty than he deserves. While the crew is sayin’ they don’t believe we would do anythin’ to hurt them, I am thinkin’ about how we set them up for the barroom fight in Twixt... a detail I omitted when I was testifyin’ about our recent activities. This makes me feel a little low, and while I am not about to refuse their help, I find it strengthens my resolve to avoid such leadership and decision makin’ positions in the future.

  “What about you, Bee?” Nunzio is sayin’, “you aren’t lookin’ too happy. You want out?”

  “N... No. It isn’t that,” Bee sez quick-like. “I’m willing to help as much as I can. It’s just that... well, I was sort of looking forward to trying to get this place organized.”

  “You can still do that, Bee,” Junebug sez, winkin’ at him. “We still need to know what’s going on, even if we only use the information to slow things up.”

  “It’s just too bad we don’t have our own teamsters,” Shu Flie sez. “Then we could really mess things up.”

  “What was that, Shu?” Nunzio sez, suddenly lookin’ real attentive.

  “What? Oh. Well, I was thinking that if we could have our own drivers to do the delivering instead of usi
ng army wagons, we could scatter our shipments all across the kingdom.”

  “No... I mean what did you say about teamsters?”

  “Teamsters,” Shu repeats. “You know. The guys that drive freight wagons... at least, that’s what we called ‘em back on the farm.”

  I look at Nunzio and he looks at me, and I realize from our smiles we is thinkin’ the same thing.

  “Spyder,” I sez, “you found the Mob once in Twixt... do you think you could do it again?”

  “Sure,” she shrugs. “Why?”

  “I got a message I want you to get to Don Bruce,” I smiles. “I think we just found somethin’ he can do to help us.”

  “HEY, SWATTER,” SHU Flie sez, lookin’ out one of the warehouse windows, “do you know there are a buncha wagons and drivers sitting outside?”

  “No,” I sez, “but if you hum a couple bars, I’ll fake it.”

  Okay, so it’s an old joke. Like I’ve said before, the army runs on old jokes. Unfortuitously, this particular joke is apparently a little too old for our farm-raised colleague.

  “Say what?” he sez, lookin’ kinda puzzled.

  “Strike that,” I sez. “Are they army or civilian?”

  While it is procedure to have army wagons and drivers take shipments out of the supply depot, deliveries from suppliers is done by the supplier’s own transports, and are therefore civilian.

  “Civilian,” Shu sez.

  “Are the wagons full or empty?”

  “They look empty from here.”

  I look over at Nunzio.

  “Think it might be the teamsters we’re expectin’?”

  “Easy enough to check,” he shrugs. “Hey Shu! What are they doing?”

  “Nothing,” the Flie brother reports. “They’re just sitting around and talking.”