“Sure, Spyder,” I sez, blinkin’ a little myself. “And listen... when you get out... if you’re still interested in joinin’ the Mob, you come see us first... got that?”
“Got it,” she sez, noddin’ vigorous-like.
“...And stay away from Snake,” Nunzio sez. “You want help... you come to us!”
“Sure thing... and you guys remember, if you need any help... well, if there’s anything you think I can help you with, you let me know and I’ll be there. Okay?”
“That goes for the rest of us too, Swatter,” Shu Flie sez, grabbin’ my hand and pumpin’ it once. “You give the word, and we’ll come runnin’.”
“I’ll remember,” I sez. “Just let us know when you all get out. We wouldn’t want to interfere with your army duties.”
I meant it as a kind of a joke, but they all seemed to take it serious.
“Don’t worry about that,” Junebug sez, lookin’ me in the eye hard-like. “We know where our first loyalties lie... and you do, too.”
Like I said, it wasn’t an easy partin’. The hardest part, though, was knowin’ that whatever we said about them lookin’ us up, the odds were that if they did try, they probably wouldn’t be able to find us. As soon as this assignment is over, we’ll be headin’ back to our headquarters at the Bazaar, and unless they learn how to dimension-travel...
“So what do we do now?” Tananda sez, pullin’ my mind away from my memories and bringin’ it back to the present. “Pack it up and head for home?”
“I believe there is one more option which I brought up at the beginning of this assignment,” Massha sez slowly, starin’ into her wine.
It takes me a second to remember, but finally it comes back to me.
“You mean, whackin’ the queen?” I sez.
She nods. Then there is a long time when no one sez anything as each of us thinks it through.
“Well,” Nunzio sez finally, “I suppose we should give it a shot... at least then we can say we tried everything before we gave up.”
I hesitate a second longer, then nod my agreement.
“All right, cuz,” I sez, “you’re on. Big Julie, if you can find that gear we stored here before we enlisted, Nunzio and me can...”
“Whoa... stop... HOLD IT!!” Massha sez, holdin’ up a hand. “Who said you two were going to be the ones to go after the queen?”
“Well... it’s obvious, ain’t it?” I sez, a little annoyed that my attempt to grab the assignment has been thwarted, but willin’ to try to bluff my way through. “I mean, this is right up our alley... seein’s as how it is what we are trained to do.”
“...And from what you’ve said about your disagreements with your drill instructor, that training is geared more toward enforcing than killing.”
“Don’t you worry about that,” Nunzio sez, givin’ her a tight little smile. “We’re just against unnecessary killing. In this case, it seems that it’s necessary.”
“Well, when I suggested it, I figured that I was going to be the one to go after her,” Massha sez, with no trace of her normal “happy-fat-lady-vamp act.”
“You?” I sez. “Excuse me for pointin’ it out, Massha, but though you’re more than a little intimidatin’ physically, I don’t think that physical acts are your forte.”
“Who said anything about getting physical?” she sez, holdin’ up her ring-laden hands. “You think I wear all this stuff for decoration... or ballast? I’ve got a few toys here that should take care of things just fine.”
Although she is still a beginner in the natural magik department, Massha held her own as a city magician for a long time before she signed on as the Boss’s apprentice on the strength of the mechanical magikal gear she has collected... most of which is in the form of jewelry. While I have suspected as much ever since we first met, this is the first time that she has confirmed that at least some of her baubles are of a lethal variety.
“Besides,” she finishes, crossin’ her arms decisively, “I’m Skeeve’s apprentice... so the job falls to me.”
“...And we’re his bodyguards who are specifically supposed to eliminate any threats to the Boss’s well-being,” Nunzio snaps back. “While I don’t doubt your sincerity or the reliability of your toys, Massha, whackin’ somebody takes experience... and Guido and I are the only ones on the team with experience in that area.”
“Aren’t you forgetting something, boys?” Tananda purrs, breakin’ into the argument.
“What’s that, Tananda?”
“While you two may be trained and experienced as generalists in controlled violence, part of my background is specifically as an assassin. By your own logic, then, it looks like the unpleasant task falls to me.”
“Not to spoil your fun, little sister,” Chumley sez, “but I was rather counting on giving it a go myself.”
“You?” Tananda laughs. “Come on, big brother, you’ve still got your arm in a sling.”
“What... this?” the troll sez, glancin’ down at this arm. “It’s hardly worth mentioning, really.” He pulls his arm out of the sling and wiggles his fingers, then sets his elbow on the table beside him. “Do any of you want to try arm wrestling with me? Or will you concede the point?”
“Really, Chumley,” Tananda sez, ignorin’ the challenge, “just because that thick hide of yours is hard to get through...”
“...Is the exact reason why I’m the logical choice for the assignment,” the troll finishes with a smile.
“...Except for the minor detail of your appearance,” Massha adds. “Sorry, Chumley, but you’re the last of us I’d figure for the assignment. Any of the rest of us could pass for natives, but you’d stand out like a sore thumb without a disguise spell.”
“So I borrow little sister’s makeup mirror.”
“Not a chance,” Tananda sez, stubborn-like.
“...Or I simply borrow a hooded cloak or something for a disguise,” Chumley continues smoothly as if she hasn’t spoken. “How about it, Big Julie? Have you got anything lying around in an extra-extra-large?”
“As a matter of fact,” the retired general sez, “I was thinking of doing the job myself.”
“What?”
“You?”
“That’s...”
“...BECAUSE,” Big Julie continues, silencing us all with the simple technique of raisin’ that voice of his to an authoritative level, “because I’m an old man and therefore the most expendable.”
We all sink back into our chairs, too embarrassed to look at each other. With these few words, he has gotten to the heart of what was prompting our apparently bloodthirsty argument.
“I’ve been listening to all of you,” he sez, takin’ advantage of our uneasy silence, “and what nobody seems to want to say out loud is that trying to assassinate the queen is pretty much a suicide mission. Political leaders... and particularly royalty... are the best guarded folks in any nation. Even if you can get to them, which is uncertain at best, the odds of getting away afterward are so small they aren’t even worth considering.”
He looks around the gatherin’.
“Of course, I don’t have to tell you this because you all know it already. That’s why each of you is so eager to take the job... to let the others off the hook by nobly sacrificing yourself. Well, my advice, as your tactical advisor, is to forget the whole thing and go home... since I don’t believe Skeeve ever intended for things to go this far... or, if you’re determined to have the queen killed, then to let me do it. Like I said before, I’m an old man who’s doing nothing but idling away my retirement with petty self-indulgences. All of you are contributing more to life, and are therefore more valuable, than I am. Besides,” he lets a little grin play across his face, “it might be kinda fun to see a little action just one more time. I never really figured on dying in bed.”
“That’s sweet of you, Big Julie,” Tananda
sez, “but it’s totally out of the question. Even though you’ve worked with us as an advisor, you’re not really part of the team... and I’m sure this is one job Skeeve wouldn’t want us to subcontract.”
“I think we’re agreed at least on that,” Massha sez, glancin’ around our assemblage. “If it’s going to be done, it’s going to be done by one of us.”
“Then you still figure to try for Hemlock?” the ex-general frowns.
“I think,” Chumley announces, standin’ up and stretchin’, “I think that we’re all too tired and have been drinking far too much to make a rational decision. I suggest we all retire for now and pick up this discussion in the morning when our heads are clearer.”
“You know, that’s the first sensible idea I’ve heard in the last half hour,” Tananda sez, stretchin’ a bit herself... which would be fun to watch if I wasn’t still thinkin’ about the problem at hand.
“Good thinking, Chumley,” Nunzio sez.
“Right.”
“Sounds good to me.”
With everyone in agreement, the party breaks up and we all start to drift off to our rooms.
“Nunzio,” I sez, as soon as the others are out of hearin’ range. “Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?”
“That we should figure on getting up a little early tomorrow?” he sez.
“... Because if anyone goes for the queen, it’s gonna be us,” I declare.
“... And if we leave it to the group to decide, someone else might get the job...” he adds.
“... Whereas if we simply present them with a fait accompli, it’ll be too late to argue,” I finish. “Right?”
“Right,” he answers.
Like I say, though Nunzio and I sometimes have our differences, we work together pretty well when the stakes are high ... which is why we are both smilin’ as we wave good night to the others.
AS I MENTIONED, Nunzio and me have brought along a few accessories on this assignment which we stored at Big Julie’s for fear the army might be less than appreciative if we showed up to enlist already equipped... especially as our personal gear tends to be of a much better quality than that which the army issues.
Bein’ true professionals, we spend considerable time sortin’ through our travelin’ kits for items which would be of specific use for the job at hand. The knuckle dusters, sawed-off pool cues, lead pipes and such we set aside... as they would normally be used for much more subtle ventures, and attemptin’ to apply them in a fatal manner would be both time-consumin’ and messy. Though it broke our hearts, we also decide to leave behind our Iolo crossbows. While they are great in an open confrontation, they are a bit bulky to be considered as concealable weapons, which counts against them as whatever we use will have to be carried in under the noses of the queen’s guards. While these deletions shorten our equipment list somewhat, we are still left with a fair assortment of tools from which to make our final selection.
Nunzio finally settles on a pocket, pistol-grip crossbow and a length of piano wire... just in case... while I opt for a blowgun and a nice set of throwin’ knives. For those of youse who may be surprised by the latter choice, I would note that while I might not be as good as Snake is, I am still no slouch when it comes to shivs. Unfortunately I cannot provide youse with references to this fact, as those who would be in a position to testify on the degree of my skill from firsthand experience are, unfortuitously, no longer with us... but I digress.
“You know, Guido,” Nunzio sez, startin’ to stash his gear in the spiffy civilian clothes we’re now wearin’ again, “there is one problem with us taking this contract on ourselves.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, if we get caught afterwards, which as Big Julie points out is a definite possibility if not a probability, then we are again faced with a situation where it looks like the Mob is interfering with the kingdom of Possiltum.”
“Come on, Nunzio,” I sez. “We have been workin’ for the Mob for a number of years now, and in all that the time the authorities have not even come close to provin’ there is any direct connection between ourselves and that august organization.”
“I wasn’t thinking about the authorities,” my cousin sez, grim-like. “I was thinking about Don Ho and the other Mob bosses to which Don Bruce referred.”
“Oh... Yeah.”
I had not considered this, but it is definitely a point worth reflectin’ upon. However, I am still unwillin’ to let one of the others on the M.Y.T.H. Inc. team take the fall instead of us.
“Tell you what,” I sez. “Chances are, only one of us will do the actual whackin’... right?”
“Well, yeah. So?”
“So if it looks like he’s gonna get caught, then the other one whacks him. Then the survivor can say that the one what whacked the queen was a renegade, and was eliminated for violatin’ the Boss’s orders.”
“Sounds good to me,” Nunzio sez. “Let’s get going.”
If, perhaps, our attitude toward dyin’, not to mention the possibility of maybe whackin’ each other, sounds a little callous, I would suggest youse consider anew what it is Nunzio and me do for a livin’. We is bodyguards... which means that along with our jobs, we accept the possibility that at some point one or both of us might have to die so that the person what we are protectin’ does not. I repeat, it is part of the job... and we’d be pretty dumb bunnies if that part of the job description came as a surprise to us after all this time.
As to the possibility of one of us havin’ to whack the other... well, I don’t relish the thought of droppin’ Nunzio any more than I like the idea of him droppin’ me. Still, once one has accepted the above referenced possibility of dyin’ on the job to protect the Boss’s body or reputation, then it requires little additional justification to accept that dead is dead and afterwards it doesn’t really matter exactly who it was what did the number on youse. If anythin’, if Nunzio did me or vice versa, then at least we would be assured of it bein’ a neat, professional job with a minimum of fuss and bother.
Anyhow, it is just after dawn as we sneak out of the villa, openin’ the door an inch at a time in case it squeaks, then easin’ onto the patio as soon as it’s open far enough for us to slip through. At this point, seein’ as how it seems we have effected our exit without arousin’ the others on the team, I pause to give Nunzio a wink and a thumbs up sign.
“Morning, boys!” comes a familiar voice from the far side of the patio. “Care for a bit of breakfast?”
Big Julie is sprawled on a recliner, soakin’ up the morning sun as he picks at the food laid out on the table next to him.
“Shhh! Could you keep it down?” Nunzio hisses, puttin’ a finger to his lips as he hurries over to our host.
“What for?” Big Julie sez, still speakin’ in that loud, projectin’ voice of his.
“Well... ummm...” I sez, shootin’ a glance at Nunzio who just shrugs. “To tell you the truth, Big Julie, we are takin’ it on ourselves to bring yesterday’s argument to a close by goin’ after the queen before there is any further discussion. This effort will, of course, go to waste if the others hear you and emerge before we have made our departure.”
“Oh... it’s too late to worry about that,” he sez, casual-like.
“Excuse me?”
“They’ve already gone... one at a time, of course.”
“They did? When?”
“Well, let’s see... Tananda was the first... she left last night... then Chumley took off when he woke up and realized she was gone. Massha... well, she lit out about an hour ago when she found out the others had gone... you know, that woman moves pretty fast considering the weight she’s carrying.”
“So they’re all ahead of us.” Nunzio sez, disgusted-like. “And here we thought we were being clever getting an early start.”
“Well, there is one detail I notice your teammates neglect
ed to mention yesterday,” Big Julie sez. “You see, today is the day the queen holds her public court and hears cases and complaints from anybody... first come first served. That makes it perfect for the kind of questionable deed you were discussing... but the lines form early, both for those seeking an audience and those who simply want to be in the audience.”
“Oh that’s just swell!” I sez. “Tell me, Big Julie, if you don’t mind my askin’, why didn’t you try to stop them?”
“Me?” he blinks, innocent-like. “I had my say yesterday... and as I recall was unanimously told to butt out. That makes it none of my business... though I’ll admit I’d be no more eager to try stopping any of the others than I’d be to try to stop you two. Know what I mean?”
“Yeah, I guess I see your point,” Nunzio sez quick-like, lookin’ grimmer than I’ve seen him in a long time. “Well, come on, Guido! We’ve gotta hurry if we’re gonna be in this game at all!”
JUST AS BIG Julie predicted, the palace throne room was packed to the walls with even more folks waiting outside to get in if anyone left early. As I have mentioned before, however, Nunzio and me is of sufficient size that most folks give ground when we crowd them, so we are able to eventually elbow our way in to where we can at least see.
The crowd what has shown up just to watch is linin’ the walls about twenty deep or jammed into the balconies, leavin’ the center of the room open for those havin’ business with the queen. Seein’ as how that pack is standin’ in a line which stretches back out the door, we have little choice but to join the audience... which hides our presence to a certain extent, but greatly reduces our chances of a quick withdrawal after we finishes workin’.
“There’s Massha,” I sez, though it’s kinda needless, as she is standin’ in the line waitin’ to go before the queen and is very noticeable in that company. “Can you see the others?”
Nunzio just shakes his head and keeps scannin’ the audience on our right, so I start doin’ the same for the crowd on the left.
Of course, I realize it is unlikely I will be able to spot Tananda, since with that disguise mirror of her she can look like anyone she wants. I suspect though, knowin’ her to be more than a little vain, that even disguised she will be both female and attractive.
MA09 Myth Inc in Action Page 16
