Chumley, however, is another matter entirely. All I gotta do is look for a good sized figure in an outfit that hides its face, and...
Nunzio gives me a quick elbow in the ribs to get my attention, then jerks his head up toward the ceilin’. It takes me a minute to figure out what he’s tryin’ to point out to me, but then somethin’ moves in the shadows of the rafters and I see her. It’s Tananda, and she’s flat on one of the heavy timbers easin’ her way closer to the throne. At first, I’m afraid she’ll fall, but then I realize that she’s...
“Quit looking at her,” Nunzio hisses in my ear. “Do you want the guards to spot her?”
I realize I have been starin’ up at her like some kind of a tourist, and that if I keep doin’ it, other people... like the guards... are gonna start wondering what I’m lookin’ at and start checkin’ the rafters themselves.
“So what do we do now?” I whispers back, tearin’ my eyes away from Tananda’s progress.
“We move,” Nunzio sez, “...and fast, if we’re gonna score before she makes her try. With this crowd, though... tell you what. You try easin’ up on the left there and I’ll go up this side.”
“Got it!” I sez, and put a gentle elbow into the kidney of the guy ahead of me, thereby openin’ up a route to the other side of the throne room.
Sayin’ we’ll get close to the throne, however, proves to be considerably easier than actually gettin’ there. At first I am worried about movin’ too fast and catchin’ the guards’ eyes as someone tryin’ too hard to get close to where the queen will be. After a few minutes of fightin’ with the crowd, though, I am more concerned with bein’ able to move at all. It seems like the closer to the front of the room I gets, the more determined the people are to not give up their place.
By the time I am halfway to the throne, I am startin’ to get desperate over how long it’s takin’ and look around to see where Nunzio is. As it turns out, he is havin’ even more trouble than me, havin’ progressed a mere six steps before gettin’ boxed in behind a gaggle of old biddies. They are not about to give ground for anyone, and it appears that short of punchin’ his way through them, he isn’t gonna make it to the front at all.
Of course, this leaves it to me to beat the others to the queen... which suits me just fine. Redoublin’ my efforts, I sneak a peek upward to check Tananda’s progress, only to find I can no longer see her at all.
Just then, someone lets loose with a blast of brass horns... and the queen appears.
For a moment, I am too stunned to keep pushin’ forward... in fact, I lose a couple steps.
You see, I met Queen Hemlock back at the same time I met the Boss, and more recently had a chance to refresh my memory while gazin’ at a propaganda leaflet. While she is not what you would call a knockout, neither is she exactly plain. The woman easin’ herself onto the throne, however, looks so much different than those images that if they hadn’t hollered out her name as she walked in, I probably wouldn’t have recognized her. Of course, even just passin’ her on the street, the crown would have been a pretty strong clue.
She looks like she hasn’t been sleepin’ very well, as there are big dark circles under her eyes, and it looks like she’s been off her feed... well, more so than normal as she’s always been a bit on the scrawny side. Then the first guy in line starts yammerin’ about how he thinks his business is payin’ too much taxes, and for a minute I think she’s gonna burst into tears.
It occurs to me that however successful her expansion program may look from the outside, it doesn’t look like it’s makin’ Queen Hemlock any too happy.
Just then I spot Chumley... or at least a big figure in a hooded cloak... edgin’ along the wall behind the guards not ten feet from where the queen is sittin’, and know I have run out of time. Slidin’ one of the throwin’ knives down my sleeve, I start eye-ballin’ the distance between me and Hemlock. It’s gonna be one heck of a throw, but it won’t get any easier by my starin’ at it, so I step back for balance and...
...And all hell breaks loose at the back of the room!
At first I think the guards have jumped Nunzio, but when I look his way he is standin’ clear of the action, lookin’ right back at me and pointin’ desperately out the door, mouthin’ somethin’ I can’t make out over the hubbub. I crane my neck tryin’ to figure out what he’s pointin’ at, but all I can see is the crowd outside the throne room is partin’... makin’ way for something or somebody.
There’s a ripple of noise spreadin’ forward from the back of the crowd, buildin’ in volume as more and more voices join in. Abandonin’ my efforts to see what’s goin’ on, I bend an ear to try to sort out what it is they’re sayin’.
“.. magician...”
“He’s back!”
“HE’S COMING!”
“…COURT MAGICIAN!!!”
“LOOK!! THERE HE IS!! IT’S...”
“THE GREAT SKEEVE!!!”
...And it was!!
Just as I make out the words, the crowd at the back of the throne room parts, and the Boss comes walkin’ in... and Aahz is with him!! They seem to be arguin’, of course, and are totally ignorin’ the crowd around them which first surges back, then presses forward like a wall.
I am out of the audience before I am aware that I have trampled several of Possiltum’s citizens in my haste, and pass Massha who is always a little slow off the line because of her size. I see Nunzio comin’ through the crowd, knockin’ people down like duckpins, and am vaguely aware that I am doin’ the same... but I don’t care. I am just happy to see the Boss here and in one piece.
“SKEEVE!!”
I hear someone shout in a voice that sorta sounds like the queen’s, but by now I am six steps out and closin’ fast.
Now, I have never been fond of the Mob tradition of men huggin’ each other, but this time I figure to make an exception.
“BOSS!!” I hollers, and throw my arms wide and...
...And the room spins... then everythin’ goes black!
“GUIDO! HEY! COME on! Wake up!”
I can hear Nunzio’s voice, but decide to keep my eyes closed a little while longer. Havin’ had numerous similar experiences in the past, I have no difficulty figurin’ out what has happened... which is to say I have been knocked cold. The difficult part is recallin’ the circumstantials which led to this condition, a task which is not made any simpler by the fact that my brain is still a little scrambled from the experience... which is why I have chosen to pretend I am still out to lunch whilst I compose myself.
We were in the throne room ... then the Boss walked in with Aahz ... I started over to greet him .. Nunzio was comin’ over to do the same thing ... then ...
I get a fix on Nunzio’s location from his voice, then open my eyes and sit up quick-like, grabbin’ him by the throat as I do so.
“Did you just sucker punch me, cousin?” I sez curious-like.
The world starts to spin again a little, makin’ me reconsider the wisdom of havin’ tried to move so fast so soon after regainin’ consciousness, but I blink a couple times to clear my vision and it settles down. I also notice that Nunzio is turnin’ a little purple, so I loose my grip on his throat so’s he can answer me.
“It ... wasn’t me!” he squeaks.
Seein’ as how Nunzio is usually very proud of his work... particularly on those occasions when he has just worked on me ... I figure he is tellin’ the truth and open my grip the rest of the way.
“Well if you didn’t do it,” I frowns, still blinkin’ a little, “then who...”
“Meet Pookie,” he sez, pointin’ over my shoulder with his left thumb, as his right hand is busy rubbin’ his throat. “She’s the Boss’s new bodyguard.”
“New bodyguard?” I sez, takin’ a look behind me and ...
The world stops... as does my heart and lungs.
Now, when I say thi
s chick is stunnin’, it has nothin’ to do with the fact that she just knocked me cold. She has the smooth, strong lines of a panther... except for a few pleasant roundin’s one does not normally find on a cat of any size. She also has green scales and yellow eyes which are regardin’ me levelly.
“Sorry about the mix-up,” she sez, not soundin’ at all sorry, “but you came in so fast that Skeeve didn’t have a chance to tell me you were on our side. Anyway, pleased to meet you... I guess. Here’s your knife back.”
I look at the throwin’ knife she is holdin’ out and realize it is indeed one of mine. I musta still been holdin’ it in my hand when I went to greet the Boss, which is an embarrassin’ oversight. One of the troubles with havin’ big hands is that sometimes one forgets one is holdin’ things.
“New bodyguard, huh?” I sez, not bein’ able to think of anythin’ wittier to say as I accepts the knife and stashes it.
“We met on Perv,” she sez, a little frosty. “Skeeve needed a bodyguard... and it seems he didn’t have one with him.”
Now I am not so far gone that I can’t spot a professional rebuke when I hear one.
“We didn’t like it, either,” I growl, “but the Boss ordered us not to go along with him and asked us to lend a hand here instead.”
Pookie thinks about this for a second, then gives a small nod. “That explains a few things,” she sez, unthawin’ a little. “Skeeve’s being alone had me wondering about you two, but I guess you really didn’t have much choice in the matter.”
There is no reason why her approval should mean anything to me... but it does.
“So, you’re from Perv, huh?” I sez, tryin’ to prolong the conversation.
“She’s my cousin,” Aahz sez, and for the first time I become aware that he is standin’ nearby.
In fact, the whole team is standin’ here, and I...
“Your cousin!” I sez, the words finally sinkin’ in.
“Don’t worry,” Pookie sez, givin’ me a small smile and a wink. “We aren’t at all alike.”
“Can you guys keep it down?” Tananda hisses at us. “I’m trying to eavesdrop on this!”
Wrenchin’ my attention away from Pookie, I finally start to focus in on what’s goin’ on.
We are still in the throne room, but the crowds are gone. In fact, the whole place... floor and balconies... are empty of people and guards except for us. Well, us and the Boss, who is sittin’ on the throne steps chattin’ with Queen Hemlock.
“...So everything was going pretty well, until Roddie caught some bug or other and died,” she is sayin’. “When I didn’t die, too, I realized those rings you gave us didn’t really link our lives... incidentally, I’d get my money back on those if I were you...”
“You mean the king really did die of natural causes?” I whispers.
“So it seems,” Tananda murmurs back. “Now put a sock in it. I want to hear this.”
“...And you know I’ve always wanted to expand our borders just a teensy tiny bit, so I figured, ‘Why not give it a try?’...”
“From what I hear,” the Boss interrupts, “the expansion goes way past ‘teensy tiny’ in anyone’s definition.”
“I know,” the queen sighs, deflatin’ a little. “It just seems to have gotten away from me. My advisors... you remember Grimble and Badaxe? Well, they keep assuring me that everything is fine... that as long as I keep lowering the taxes, the people will support me... but I keep having this feeling that I’ve lost control of...”
“Lowering the taxes while you expand your borders?” the Boss breaks in. “But that can’t be done! A bigger kingdom means more expense, not less! You still have the cost of local government, plus the cost of extra layers of bureaucracy to manage the local bureaucracies.”
It finally dawns on me what has been botherin’ me about this ‘lower taxes’ thing every time I hear about it. I also remember that I had to take Econ. 101 three times.
“I know,” the queen sez. “I’ve been covering the extra cost from my old kingdom’s treasury, but that’s almost gone. Grimble keeps saying that things will level off eventually when the kingdom gets big enough, but...”
“It’s not going to happen,” the Boss sez, shakin’ his head. “You can’t beat the mathematics of the situation. You’re either going to have to raise the taxes or pull your borders back... or go bankrupt.”
“Oh Skeeve!” Hemlock sez, givin’ him a quick hug. “I knew you could figure it out. That’s why I sent for you.”
“Sent for me?”
“Of course, silly. The ring. Didn’t you get it?”
“Well, yes. But...”
“I never was much good with letters,” the queen continues, “but I was sure you’d get the message when I sent you Roddie’s ring... of course, I had to send a little of him along with it... you were right about the rings not coming off, by the way.”
“That was Rodrick’s ring?”
“Of course. You don’t think I’d cut off my finger, do you?” She holds up her hand and waggles her fingers at him... all of them, includin’ the one with her ring on it. The skin on the finger we had gotten had been so soft and smooth, we had all assumed it was a woman’s finger. Of course, stoppin’ to think about it, kings don’t work much with their hands, either.
“Anyway, you got the message, and you’re here now... so everything’s going to be all right.”
“The message,” the Boss sez, lookin’ a little confused... which to my mind is understandable. “Umm... just to be sure we understand each other, would you mind saying what you wanted to tell me in words instead of using... graphic communications?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” the queen sez. “I need your help to manage things, so I’m offering you a position.”
“Well ... I’m kind of busy these days,” the Boss sez, “but I guess I can spare a little time to help you straighten things out as your advisor ...”
“... As my consort,” the queen corrects.
The whole team flinches at this, and we swap a few worried looks back and forth between us.
The Boss, however, is a little slower on the uptake.
“... Of course, the first thing you’ll have to do is to order the army to stop advancing until we figure out what to do next.”
“Consider it done.”
“...And then Grimble and I will... CONSORT??!!”
As I have said, the Boss can be a bit slow from time to time, but eventually he catches on.
“Of course,” Hemlock beams at him. “I figure we can get married, then if we divvy up some of these bothersome duties, we’ll still have time to...”
“CONSORT??”
The Boss seems to be stuck on the word.
“That’s right,” the queen says, cocking her head at him. “Why? Have you got a problem with that?”
The temperature in the throne room seems to drop along with the chilly tone in her voice.
“... Because if you do, there is another option. I can do what you suggested back when Roddie and I got married.”
“Which was ...?” the Boss sez in a small voice.
“Abdicate.” Somehow the queen manages to make the one word sound like a sentence ... a death sentence. “I can step down from the throne and name you my successor. Then you can try to run this whole mess all by yourself!”
Check and mate.
This whole conversation is makin’ me more than a little uneasy ... but that is nothin’ compared to what it is doin’ to the Boss. He looks absolutely panicky ... not to mention sorta green around the gills.
“I ... I ...” he stammers.
“... But don’t you think it’ll be so much nicer if you just go along with my original idea?” Hemlock sez, all kittenish again. “That way, you get the whole kingdom and me!”
“I ... I don’t know,” the Boss manages at last. �
�I’ve never thought about getting married.”
“Well think about it,” the queen sez, gettin’ a bit of an edge on her voice.
“No ... I mean, I’ll need some time to think about it.”
“Okay,” Hemlock nods. “That’s fair.”
“Maybe in a year...”
“... I’ll give you a month,” the queen sez, actin’ like the Boss hadn’t said anythin’. “Then I’ll expect your answer one way or the other. In the meantime, I’ll order the army to stop and you can start going over the books with Grimble. I mean, that will be a good idea whatever decision you make, won’t it?”
“I ... I guess so.”
This is not lookin’ good. The Boss has never been good with skirts, and it looks like Hemlock is gonna be able to lead him around by the nose.
“I think I’ve heard enough,” Tananda sez. “I’ll see you guys later.”
“Where are you going, little sister?” Chumley sez, voicin’ the question for all of us. “It looks like Skeeve is going to need all the help we can give him... and then some.”
“Actually,” she sez, “I was going to head back to the home office. I figure I need a little break, so I thought I’d tend the home fires while my hair grows back.”
“Really?” Chumley frowns.
“Of course,” she purrs, flashin’ a wide smile, “that will free Bunny from her duties. I think I’ll send her back here to lend a hand.”
“Bunny?”
“Well you can’t expect Skeeve to straighten things out here without his administrative assistant, can you?” she sez, innocent-like. “Besides, Bunny’s a lot better at dealing with figures than I am.”
She pauses and sends one last dark look at the queen.
“... At least, I figure in this situation she will be.”
portrait by Phil Foglio
Robert (Lynn) Asprin was the legendary creator of the long-running Myth series in which fantasy adventure meets comedy in a delightful pandemonium of magic and adventure. Asprin’s Phule’s Company saga, with its similarly irreverent look at military science fiction, was a New York Times bestseller. And with Lynn Abbey, he created the landmark, hugely-popular and long-running Thieves’ World fantasy series. A fan favorite at SF conventions and an active participant in Society for Creative Anachronism mayhem, Asprin passed away in 2008
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