Midwife's Baby Bump

by Susanne Hampton

  ‘Flick,’ he called, as he saw her disappearing with Sophia and a very pregnant woman in the direction of an empty consulting room. ‘We need to talk,’ he said as he drew closer.

  Flick noticed Sophia’s ears prick up when he called her name. The tone was almost endearing and when he dropped his gaze to her tiny bump she knew there was the chance Sophia would put two and two together.

  ‘I’ll begin the antenatal with Julia and you deal with the medical enquiry with Dr Hamilton,’ Sophia told her with a knowing look as she led the pregnant woman inside and closed the door. From Sophia’s expression and remark, Flick realised her secret was out but she was relieved to see that it hadn’t been a look of disapproval or any form of judgement.

  Despite how he was making her feel, she had to stand strong and keep him at bay.

  His behaviour was absurd and she was resolute in her decision that he would not attend any further scans. She wanted to look over at the tiny black and white image of the baby growing inside her and think about the future. About everything her child might achieve and how wonderful everything would be when she welcomed her baby into the world. She felt nervous and excited. And she had no time to dwell on doubts and unfounded fears. And she wanted to keep working and complete her qualification. Having Tristan around was going to affect her ability to do both.

  But there was the reality of how unsettled she felt around Tristan. He still affected her physically. Despite her anger, she still felt drawn to him. She tried to reason it was because she was carrying his child. It was some strange fact of nature, she assumed, making the mother want to be close to the father for protection. She didn’t want it to be anything more. She was angry with him and with herself.

  ‘What do you want, Tristan?’

  He couldn’t help but notice her reply was curt and it let him know immediately where he stood. He was out in the cold. And deservedly so, he reminded himself as he thought about how she would be viewing the situation.

  ‘I just wanted to check up on you.’ He hated that she was struggling with the pregnancy and wouldn’t accept his help.

  ‘I’m good,’ she told him. Her voice was flat, masking all signs of emotion. ‘Nothing else to report.’

  ‘What about the morning sickness? Has it passed?’

  ‘No, it’s still happening but it’s not as bad.’

  Tristan didn’t miss the defiant angle of her jaw, along with her brief answers and her eagerness to leave.

  ‘You know I didn’t mean this to happen …’

  ‘Clearly, neither of us did,’ she retorted. ‘But it did happen and I’m dealing with it. You don’t need to check up on me. I’ll let you know after the baby is born and you can decide if you want to be in the child’s life.’

  She turned to walk away. Just being close was tearing at her heart. She didn’t want to admit how much she wanted him when he didn’t want her. His concern was born of guilt and she wanted more. For her and the baby.

  Tristan stepped forward. Finally she had opened up with more than a brief response but her words had been cold. She was pushing him away and he was not about to let that happen. ‘Don’t go. I want to ask you something.’

  She turned back to him. ‘What else do you wanted to know, Tristan? I’m busy, I don’t have time to go over everything that I’m feeling or the progress of my pregnancy. But you’re welcome to go and see Darcie Green. She’s my obstetrician and she knows about us. Your need to have the scans and report sent to you made it impossible to hide but she will be discreet and has no intention of sharing the father’s identity. Ask her the million and one questions. Honestly, be my guest. I’ll let her know you’ll be calling.’

  ‘That’s not what I want to ask you. I have a proposal …’ Tristan began, then hesitated when he saw the disturbed expression on Flick’s face. Not wanting to appear foolish, he quickly added, ‘No, not that sort of proposal. God, no … I know that’s not what either of us is looking for.’

  Flick’s heart fell. It wasn’t that she was expecting a proposal of marriage after all that time but the way he dismissed it so quickly was cold. As if marrying her was the furthest thing from his mind. An almost unthinkable act. It certainly cemented where she stood. And her roller-coaster ride of emotions just took another dive.

  ‘I meant that I’m proposing you move into my place. Yours is great, don’t get me wrong, it’s got a great view and loads of character.’ He tempered the line of his conversation. ‘It’s just that you’re not feeling well and I can take care of you on the bad days. I also having a cleaning service so no mopping, or bending.’

  She shook her head, betraying no emotion. ‘I’m fine. It’s passing so there’s no need for me to move anywhere.’ Least of all closer to you, she thought.

  Folding his arms across his chest, he shook his head in frustration and pressed on, not wanting to accept her answer. ‘You have two flights of stairs and no elevator. As you get closer to your due date that will be awkward, and once the baby arrives a pusher would never make it up there. You can hardly carry a fully loaded pram and baby up two flights. Even a six-foot marine would struggle with that job.’

  His reasons for wanting Flick near him were not all about being practical. Her apartment wasn’t suitable, it was small, impossible to navigate with a pusher, and the tiny balcony was a risk as the balustrade was constructed from thin iron bars that a little head might get stuck between one day in the future. There was also the harsh reality of the heart defect and if that were to happen then Tristan wanted to be close to monitor the baby’s progress so together they could make informed decisions about the treatment. But there was a third reason that he struggled with every day. A part of him wanted to see if there was more than one night of chemistry between them.

  ‘So you’ve moved past the need for me to quit work and be confined to home duties for six months?’

  ‘I never meant you to give up and stay home indefinitely, I was just trying to help you through the worst of it.’ Even as the words passed his lips he wasn’t sure if morning sickness would be the worst of it.

  ‘Well, I’m over the worst so let’s leave it at that,’ she said defiantly. ‘I can deal with everything else you’ve raised as it becomes a problem.’

  ‘So you’ll stick your head in the sand until then?’

  All Tristan wanted was to wrap his arms around her protectively and demand that she stop being stubborn and just let him take care of her, but he couldn’t. Not yet anyway. He had to either find out that the baby was fine or tell her everything and then see how she felt about him.

  ‘I’m sticking my head in the sand?’ she spat angrily. ‘I’m carrying this baby and I’m well aware of what lies ahead. I’ve been sick and I’m still working, all the while making plans for the future which includes finishing my studies, and you dare to tell me that I’m in denial. Where the hell have you been for the past two weeks? Hiding in your office or the operating Theatre and hoping that it’s all a bad dream that will just go away if you don’t see me?’

  ‘I haven’t been hiding from anything. I gave you the space I thought you wanted. I’m trying to do whatever I can to make it easier but you just don’t get it. You’re so determined to be independent and stand alone when you don’t have to. Not now and not ever. I want to help in any way I can. Don’t push me away and punish me for a mistake we both made that night.’

  Flick knew that Tristan’s words did hold an element of truth. She was pushing him away and punishing him. Her dream of the perfect life with a husband and child was disappearing before her eyes and it was overwhelmingly sad. Her life, as she had imagined it might be, would never happen. And he was making her face the fact that it wasn’t his fault any more than hers. And it definitely wasn’t her baby’s. Robbing the baby of time with Tristan would be spiteful and wrong. Her mother’s behaviour had stolen that from her and she couldn’t do the same. She had to put the baby first and deal with her feelings separately.

  ‘Where exactly is your place?
’ she demanded, showing no interest or excitement in her tone. She had to treat it as a business proposal. That was the way he was promoting it and the best way for both of them. A practical solution to her impending housing problem.

  ‘Toorak, so it’s reasonably close to the city centre and the hospital, and not too far from your favourite beach either. So you can continue to walk along the beach every day during the pregnancy.’

  ‘Do you live in an apartment or a house?’

  ‘A house, six bedrooms with a pool, but don’t worry it’s fenced off so no risk to our baby,’ he told her, nervous that might give her a reason to refuse his offer. ‘You sound like a realtor assessing the place.’

  Flick’s mood shifted slightly when she heard him say our baby. They were two adults about to have a baby and they barely knew each other. Finding out she was pregnant had been a shock to both of them. Perhaps his reaction was normal. She had no idea, she had never delivered that news to a man before. And to think he would propose anything more than a convenient living arrangement was a dream ending that she knew would never happen. Her life would not be a picture-perfect love story.

  ‘Do you live alone?’

  ‘I do.’

  ‘Then why do you need six bedrooms?’

  ‘The house was a good price and I saw it as an investment,’ he replied. ‘You drive a hard bargain.’

  ‘I’ll think it over and get back to you tomorrow,’ she told him eventually.

  ‘You and the baby will be safe and you can stay there as long as you like.’

  Flick wasn’t sure how to take his sudden desire to have her and the baby close.

  ‘I have a home visit this afternoon,’ she told him, ‘so as I said, I’ll get back to you tomorrow with my decision.’ She gave him no clue as to how she was thinking or what her decision might be. Partly because she wasn’t entirely sure herself.

  Tristan took solace in the fact she hadn’t refused point blank to move in with him. Perhaps she didn’t hate him. She was fiercely independent and he knew she could more than take care of herself, but he wanted to help. And if the worst-case scenario was realised then it would change everything. It would be his problem too and he wasn’t walking away from Flick or his child.

  Flick headed back to Sophia, who was waiting to take her to see Phoebe, one of their home-visit mothers. She was confused and although she knew what she should do, what the right thing would be, she still wasn’t sure she could see it through. Living under the same roof with a man who stirred feelings she didn’t want to have was a recipe for heartbreak, and she didn’t want to go there again.

  Sophia updated Flick on the short trip about the young war widow, who was six months pregnant and dealing with both grief and pregnancy at the same time.

  ‘I feel so stupid for being melodramatic about my troubles,’ Flick said. ‘She has so much more to deal with than me.’

  Sophia was not so quick to judge. ‘I don’t think you should compare yourself with Phoebe or diminish how you’re feeling. She’s going through a grieving process but, from what I gather, her husband Joshua was on active duty for most of their eight-year marriage and she really didn’t see him very often or for very long. They had a relationship that was intense but then she would have long periods on her own so they lived quite separate lives. Losing her husband is tragic and, of course, the child growing up without knowing his or her father will be very hard, but Phoebe will pull through because, like all war widows, this was a possibility she lived with for many years.’

  ‘But I wasn’t dating, let alone married to Tristan, so I can’t comprehend what she must be feeling every day,’ Flick said, as they pulled up to the modest home in the outer suburbs of Melbourne. It was well kept, with the lawns freshly mown, pristine flowerbeds and neat hedges framing the pathway to the door. ‘Does she have family to help with the household maintenance? I shouldn’t imagine she’d be up to doing all of this.’

  ‘Not family. Unfortunately they’ve all passed away,’ explained Sophia, as they walked up the pathway. ‘Her only living relative is her brother and he’s in England. So I’d imagine the garden is her landlord’s doing. She told me that she’s renting this home.’

  ‘Oh, my goodness, it gets a little sadder every minute. Having no family to provide support during her grief would make it so much harder.’

  ‘It’s very sad. Phoebe’s been through a lot,’ Sophia agreed, knocking on the door. ‘But she’s a resilient woman and very sweet. She’s a primary-school teacher apparently, but not working at the moment. I assume she’s receiving some sort of military pension.’

  Just then the door opened and a young woman, with a mass of light red hair hanging in long curls around her pretty face and shoulders, invited them inside. She was wearing an oversized charcoal jumper with black tights and flat shoes.

  ‘Hi, Phoebe, this is Flick, a student midwife. Are you okay for her to be present during my visit?’

  ‘Sure. Pleased to meet you, Flick,’ she replied. ‘Come into the sitting room and take a seat. I’ve put the kettle on and we can warm up with a tea or coffee. Instant, I’m afraid, as I don’t have a coffee machine or plunger.’

  ‘Nothing for me,’ Sophia said. ‘I’ve already had one coffee today and that’s about my limit.’

  ‘I’m okay too,’ Flick said.

  ‘If you’re sure, I suppose we can begin the check-up and see if you feel like one afterwards,’ Phoebe replied, sitting on a chair near a small wooden dining table.

  The house was clean and tidy inside, just like the garden, but it felt strangely empty to Flick. Not of furniture but of emotion and warmth. She noticed there were no photographs to be seen. It made her feel so sorry for the young woman. Having no family around, then to lose her husband and have her only brother on the other side of the world was a burden for anyone, let alone a pregnant woman.

  Flick felt her problems dwarfed by what she knew Phoebe was dealing with at that time. It also made her decide that she had no right to put additional barriers between Tristan and the baby. Life was so tenuous and she would never want her child to be alone in the world, like Phoebe. Her baby needed as much family as she could provide in case something happened to her one day. Despite how hard it might be, Tristan was part of that family.

  ‘How are you going with it all?’ Sophia asked.

  ‘Not bad, a little tired and some days are harder than others,’ Phoebe admitted. ‘But I’ll get through. I told you on your last visit, Joshua and I loved each other but just as we started to reconnect when he was on leave it was time for him to return. It was hard on both of us, he needed to readjust to being home and away from the conflict over there, and I had to open my heart and my life again to him.’

  ‘I think serving in the military is admirable and so brave but a lot of people don’t understand how hard it is for those left home, waiting,’ Sophia added.

  Phoebe nodded. ‘And for me it got harder, not easier, so even though I still cry a little every day, I knew over the last few years that every time he left me could be the last. The odds were beginning to be stacked against us. I didn’t really know what I was getting into when he proposed. I was crazy in love and only nineteen. I thought it was romantic and it would be like the movies every time he returned to me. But it wasn’t. It was awkward sometimes and like starting over, but each time we were reunited it was a little more distant. So in many ways I felt closer to a widow than a wife before he died.’

  Flick felt her heart breaking for Phoebe. It was such a lot for someone to go through at such a young age and now she was facing motherhood alone.

  ‘I think your baby will have a very strong role model,’ Flick said softly. ‘He or she will be very lucky to have you as their mother in a few months’ time.’

  Phoebe smiled. ‘Thank you, Flick. That’s very kind.’

  ‘Speaking of a few months’ time,’ Sophia added. ‘Have you thought about the birth, Phoebe? Home or hospital?’

  ‘I think I’d prefer t
o have the baby in MMU. There’s not any point in staying at home, it’s not as if it’s our family home and will have meaning as my baby grows up. Who knows how long I’ll be living here.’

  ‘That’s probably a good decision. You’re a low-risk birth but if you feel more comfortable in hospital and don’t have support at home for the first twenty-four hours, having your baby in MMU is a sensible choice.’

  Sophia and Flick completed the antenatal check as they chatted to Phoebe. They were concerned about the lack of support she would have postnatal and Sophia made a note to have additional visits scheduled for the first six weeks. A first baby with no respite was going to be difficult.

  ‘I have a question,’ Phoebe began tentatively. ‘I’m not sure if you can help me.’

  ‘I’ll certainly try,’ Sophia answered as she packed away her stethoscope.

  ‘Joshua had a good friend who, I discovered, has moved to Melbourne. His name is Ryan, and they served together in Iraq. Ryan was a military medic and Joshua wanted me to reach out to him. I’m a bit nervous about it. I didn’t know if you might know him.’

  Sophia frowned slightly. ‘I’m not sure how I can help you.’

  ‘He just started work in MMU as a midwife. He’s American …’

  ‘Oh, you mean Ryan Matthews,’ Sophia cut in. ‘He’s a lovely man. American accent, very nice looking. He doesn’t talk about his time in Iraq and none of us are surprised. We can only imagine what he saw over there. He keeps to himself but he’s one of the finest midwives I’ve ever worked with.’

  ‘That’s nice to know.’

  ‘I can ask him to call you if you’d like.’

  ‘Please, don’t. I would rather meet him in person than try to talk over the phone. It would be another awkward moment and I’ve had enough of them. I’d rather just see him face to face but I wanted to know what he was like. Joshua said Ryan was his best mate over there but you know what men are like, and I just wondered what he’s like from a woman’s perspective. I have his address so I might pop over one day soon.’