Refrain & Reprise

by Sadie Grubor

  Eyes locked on her stomach, a chill runs over my skin, my mouth goes dry, and my hands start to get sweaty. I run my palms over the dark denim covering my thighs, trying to inconspicuously take calming breaths. The last thing I need Mia to see is how close I am to losing my shit. I'd been doing great until waking up last night.

  Every apprehension, tucked away morbid thought, and fear merged together into a nightmare from hell. And in the early light of day, I shifted down the bed and pressed my forehead to Mia's belly to have a special one on one with my baby.

  Running my hand over her hip, I shoved up her sleep shirt until her round belly was exposed.

  "You've gotta help me out, kiddo." My lips brushed along the taunt skin as I continued in a whisper, "I need you to be okay and your mom…" I paused and clenched my eyes shut. "Fuck, kid, I need your momma like my next breath, and I need you like my next heartbeat, so don't go acting like your fucking dad and making shit difficult. Okay?"

  Pressing my lips to her stomach, I slid my arm around Mia's body and settle the side of my face against her bare skin. Our baby moved against my cheek.

  "I'm taking that as a promise, kiddo," I whispered, allowing a tear I'd never let Mia see escape.

  Holding her to me tighter, I focused on each breath—each of Mia's breaths.

  They’re the only lullaby I need.

  "Alright, Mia, who's ready to meet their little one today?" The nurse who settled us into the private hospital room asks, moving to the machines monitoring Mia and the baby.

  "Oh my God," Serena squeaks. "We're gonna have a new baby today."

  Laney and Kat share a smile just before they all descend onto Mia in a group hug.

  The nurse moves away from the machines and smiles at the huddle on the bed. "Ladies, I'm going to have to ask you all to leave so we can get down to business."

  The hair on the back of my neck prickles. Licking my lips doesn't seem to quench how dry they suddenly feel. Standing from my seat, I start for the bag I brought to the hospital. Before I can reach the pullout cot I sat it on, my arm is hooked into a bulging vice grip.

  Elliott pulls me out of the room and into the hallway.

  "Let me go, you ape," I snap, yanking my arm from his.

  "You okay?"

  The seriousness of his voice brings my eyes to his.

  "I'm serious," he states. "Are you okay?"

  Swallowing down my fears, I give a quick nod.

  "No fucker, for real. Are you hanging in there, or do you need me to get Jack or—"

  "I'm good," I say, lifting my hand and placing it on his broad shoulder. "But thank you."

  "You say the word and we go. You know that, right?"

  "Yeah, Ell, I know." I can't keep the smile off my face.

  Until… "Holy shit, you can smile! Are you on the good meds again?"

  "Go away, asshole," I grumble, shoving his shoulder.

  Turning back to the door, I watch Serena, Laney, and Kat exit. Serena stops, places a hand on my chest, and looks up into my eyes.

  "You can do this, Chris. Everything is going to be fine," she says, giving me a small, reassuring smile.

  "I've got this," I tell her.

  Her smile grows larger. "I know you do."

  Dropping her hand, she moves out of the doorway so I can go be a supportive fucker instead of the looney bastard I was last time.

  A second nurse enters the room on my heels.

  "These are for you," she says, and I turn around to face her.

  She shoves pale green scrubs into my chest.

  "They go on over your clothes," she informs with a small smile. Then she moves to the first nurse and they begin messing with wires and machines.

  The cold tendrils of anxiety craw up my chest to wrap around my lungs, making it harder to breathe. With a deep inhale and exhale, I step over to my corner of the room and begin tugging on the scrubs.

  "Well, Mia, are you ready?" A third nurse enters with a man close behind.

  "I think so, yeah," Mia answers.

  Pulling the cap over my head, I take quick strides to get to her side.

  "This is the anesthesiologist." She motions to the man.

  "Hello, I'm Dr. Manuelle. I’ll be administering your spinal block," he greets with a nod.

  "Nice to meet—" Mia begins.

  "Spinal block?" I interrupt.

  "It's so I don't feel anything during the delivery," she explains, pulling my attention to her.

  "What if it wears off?" I look back to the doctor.

  "I promise you, we will administer the medication in the proper dosage for your wife, do touch tests to ensure it has taken effect, and I'll also be there during the delivery to monitor everything," he reassures as he produces a clipboard and starts reviewing information with us.

  I know I should be paying attention, but this just adds a new layer to the shit storm building inside me. By the time I snap out of my dark thoughts, Mia is signing a form and handing it back to the doctor.

  "What was that?" My question is for Mia, but my eyes follow the clipboard exiting with the doctor. "And where the fuck is he going? He didn't give you that spinal thing yet."

  Mia's fingers curl into mine, pulling my eyes down to our entwined hand. Kneeling to the floor, I look up at her.

  "That is my acknowledgement of having the discussion with the doctor along with consent to proceed as discussed." She squeezes my hand. "And they won't give me the spinal block until I'm in the operating room."

  At “operating room,” my lungs constrict, and I drop my forehead to our hands.

  I'm a fucking goddamn liar. Spinal blocks, waivers, operating room, and cutting her open—I'm not okay with any of it.

  "Alright, it's time," a woman announces.

  Lifting my head, I focus on Mia.

  A smile spreads across her mouth and she dips her chin.

  "You hear that, little one?" she coos, bringing her free hand to her stomach. "We're gonna see you soon."

  "Excuse me," another nurse says from next to me.

  I kiss the back of Mia's hand and rise to my feet.

  "We need to move her into the operating room now." The nurse smiles up at me. "You'll be a daddy in no time."

  "I'm already a dad," I bark, Maggie's face flashing into my mind.

  The nurse blinks, shocked my tone.

  "Sorry," I mumble, stepping back.

  Wires are disconnected, machines are strapped to the end of the bed, and the railings are pulled up before they unlock the wheels and begin pushing her from the room.

  In three long strides, I move to the side of the bed and retake her hand in mine.

  "It's going to be fine, Chris," she assures me, making me feel like a bigger twat.

  "Of course it is." I put up a false bravado for the love of my miserable undeserving life. "You're fucking superwoman, baby."

  "Sir, we need you to wait here," a nurse in pink scrubs says as we stop at a set of double doors.

  "What do you mean?" There's no hiding my concern.

  "We'll bring you in shortly. We just need to get her situated in the room," she explains.

  "I go where she goes," I state.

  "Of course." She smiles. "But it gets crowded with the operating table and the bed, so let us get your wife situated. Once she’s transferred over, we will remove the bed, and I promise you will be brought in."

  Lifting Mia's hand to my mouth one more time, I twist and look down at her.

  "It will be fine." She squeezes my fingers with hers.

  It feels like a part of my soul is being torn away as they push her away from me through those double doors.

  I pace back and forth for what feels like an hour, running my hands through my hair and knocking the cap off my head. Finally, the doors click and begin to open. The nurse in the pink scrubs emerges and motions for me to follow.

  "She told us not to keep you waiting too long," she says, smiling. Her eyes move to the top of my head. "I see we may not have been quick enough."


  Yanking the cap back on my head, I step toward the open doors.

  "What took so long? Was there a problem?" I finger the collar of the pale green gown.

  "No, everything is going according to plan. I promise."

  At a second set of double doors, she pauses and pushes one side open. With her other arm, she motions for me to enter.

  "Ah, here he is, Mia," her doctor announces.

  All eyes move to me for a second before returning to their tasks, but it's the hand held out with wiggling fingers that draw me in.

  Sliding my hand into hers, I move to the side of her head.

  "Here you go." The nurse pushes a stool behind my knees. "She's been waiting for you."

  Setting myself onto the stool, I turn my body to Mia.

  "Baby, you okay?"

  She nods, but her eyes are filled with tears.

  "What's wrong?" I bring my free hand to her face and rub my thumb over her cheek.

  "Our baby will be here soon, Chris, and you are going to be here to experience it." Turning her head, she presses her mouth to my palm.

  "Okay, Mia and Chris, are you ready to meet your baby?"

  I blink away my own tears, swallow the lump in my throat, and nod, as I choke out, "Hell yeah."

  Forty-five minutes later, I've reluctantly left my wife in recovery and the baby in the nursery. Honestly, Mia told me to go with the baby, and then the nurse had me escorted out after I gave her hell for making my kid cry. They call that shit necessary tests. I call bullshit on those sadistic bastards.

  "You have quite the crowd waiting for you." The nurse in pink appears out of fucking nowhere. "You should probably go give them the update."

  I yank the cap off my head and push through the waiting room door to be inundated by questions.

  "How are they?" Mia's father is the first and loudest.

  "I'm sure they're doing fine," Mia's stepmother answers for me, squeezing her arms around his middle.

  "Daddy," Maggie yells, slipping off Jack's lap to the floor. Her little legs move at rapid speed in my direction.

  Lifting her into my arms, I hold her to my chest.

  "You're a big sister, baby girl," I whisper in her ear, and she giggles.

  "Is it a boy?" Elliott's loud mouth is next. "‘Cause we've got a poll and—Ow! Fuck, babe!"

  "Let him speak and quit worrying about your stupid poll," Serena scolds.

  "Well?" Jack asks from over everyone's head.

  Taking in each of their anticipation filled faces, I let all my previous anxiety finally dissolve and allow the pure joy and elation I feel split my lips into a large grin.

  "Mother and baby are doing well," I announce, earning a collective sigh of relief. "Mia is resting in recovery. The assholes wouldn't let me go to her yet, so I came out here to all of you."

  "Wow, we're truly honored, Chris," Elliott grumbles, rolling his eyes.

  Ignoring him, I continue. "Our new addition came in at seven pounds, twenty inches long, and a head full of dark brown hair."

  The women all “aww,” while the men say their congrats. Then, there's Elliott.

  "Christ, dude, are you going to tell us the sex at all?"

  "It's a Max," I say, further keeping it from him.

  "A Max," Maggie shouts, clapping. "I have Max!"

  I give her a squeeze.

  "But that doesn't—"

  This time, it's Mia's father who’s had enough.

  "Son, I appreciate what your trying to do to with that idiot—" he begins.

  "John," Elliott gasps, "I thought we had something special."

  Ignoring the oversized buffoon, he finishes, "But I'm going to need you to tell me before I lose my own shit, stalk the hallways, and get arrested for barging into a nursery."

  A warmth settles into my chest. It's the first time I ever realized John and I have something in common besides are love for Mia.

  "I can fix this," Jimmy says, standing. "Come on, Jack."

  Jimmy and Jack both grab Elliott by an arm and drag him out of the waiting room.

  "Hey, you assholes, this isn't funny!"

  "Boys," Nicholas groans.

  They shut the door and hold it so he can't get in.

  "Hurry up, Chris, we can't keep him out for long," Jack grunts as Elliott tries to push the door open.

  "He's going to break that door," Gwen says, watching the commotion.

  "It's a girl!" I announce, but not too loud.

  The room erupts in celebration, and Elliott is finally allowed back in.

  "Fuck, Elliott, are you on steroids or something?" Jimmy accuses, rubbing his shoulder.

  "I'm just a beast of a man," he responds, then looks around the room. "So, anyone gonna tell me?"

  No one says a word.

  His eyes lock on Serena. He opens his mouth, but then closes it tight.

  "I know you won't tell me anything, woman," he grumbles, crossing his arms over his chest. "But...hey, Maggie," Elliott coos.

  "That's super low, man." Jack shakes his head.

  "All's fair in the baby poll, dude," he counters.

  "Hey, Maggie." Jack's voice gets her attention much quicker than I'd like. "Do Uncle Jack a favor and no talking to Elliott."

  "What the hell?" Elliott exclaims.

  Serena laughs, falling into a chair.

  "This is not funny. You know that little girl listens to everything he says." Pouting, he sits into a chair next to his wife. Serena leans into him and whispers something in his ear. Whatever it is, it improves his mood. Given their kinky fuckery, I'm sure it has something to do with hospital room sex. I shiver.

  Turning to John, I say, "Come on, let me introduce you to your grandchild."

  A smile splits his bearded face. He's quick to fall in step with me, along with the rest of them. The hospital isn't thrilled to have such a large group crowding the nursery window, but they allow it and even push my new daughter close to the window.

  The nurse gets my attention through the window, motioning me to come inside.

  Jack takes Maggie while I basically run around the corner and go through the three security doors to get to my daughter.

  Once in the room, I slip my arms beneath the pink bundle, cradle her against my chest, and hold her up to the window.

  "Welcome to the family, Maxine Sue Mason," I whisper against her little head. Pointing out people, I tell her about her family.

  First is Maggie. Jack holds her close to the window, and she presses her forehead against the glass to get a closer look.

  "That's your big sister, Maggie. She loves you so much and is so excited to meet you." Maggie starts slapping at the glass, so Jack pulls her away. "Told you she's excited."

  "That's Grandpa John and Grandma Linda. You got your middle name from her. She's going to be thrilled when she finds out. There’s Grandpap Nic and Grammy Gwen."

  Twisting my body, I find Liza, Serena, Kat, and Laney lined up against the window with their arms around each other. "Those are your aunts, and don't tell them I said this, but if you end up being as strong as those women, I couldn't be happier."

  Behind the girls, stand the guys, so I make their intros as well. "Those assholes are your uncles. Feel free to spit up and shit on Elliott as much as you want, don't fall in love with Jack like your big sister, and don't think for one second because Uncle Jimmy isn't very hands on that he won't have your back for a minute."

  "Mr. Mason," a nurse calls out, and I turn to her. "Your wife is back in her room and asking for the two of you."

  "Ya hear that, peanut, Momma has requested our presence." I start for the exit.

  "Sir," a second nurse shouts, as the other says, "Mr. Mason, we need to take her down in the crib."

  I hesitate, looking from the crib to the baby I don't want to release, unless it's to her mother.

  Noticing my apprehension, the nurse says, "Besides, Mrs. Mason is also asking for your other daughter. Why don't you let us take the baby down while you go get the big s
ister?"

  She reaches out and takes Max from me, placing her back in the clear plastic crib.

  "It's the same room as before," she reminds, clearly trying to get me moving.

  With a nod, I leave the nursery to get Maggie.

  Back in Mia's room, I find her sitting up with a pillow in her lap and Max laying on top.

  "She’s gorgeous," Mia says with a sniffle.

  "Just like her mother," I tell her, stopping at the side of her bed.

  "Momma," Maggie exclaims, causing Max to jerk.

  "Easy, baby girl." I try to contain my squirming toddler.

  "It's okay," Mia says, wiping a tear from her cheek and smiling up at us. "Can you place her next to me?"

  "Are you sure?" I ask, knowing her stomach has to be sore as fuck.

  Nodding, she creates a little spot for Maggie to sit.

  "Momma's got a boo boo on her tummy, so be careful," I tell Maggie, setting her next to Mia.

  "Momma boo boo?" Maggie asks, glancing up at her mother.

  "Yeah," she nods. "But it's okay."

  Grabbing a nearby chair, I drag it as close to the bed as I can. Before sitting down, I lean over Mia, close my eyes, press my lips to the top of her head, and whisper, "Thank you, angel. You did so good."

  "We did good, Chris," she corrects as I pull back and take a seat.

  Leaning my elbows into the bed, I bring one hand to the top of Max's head.

  "No, you did this," I argue. "You always give me perfection." I run my fingers over our daughter's head.

  Maggie outstretches her arm and taps Max's cheek with a finger.

  "Gentle," Mia says at the same time I say, "Easy."

  "Easy," Maggie repeats, softly touching Max.

  "Are you okay?" Mia asks.

  Our eyes lock, and I grin. "I'm fucking fantastic, baby."

  "Fucken ‘tastic," Maggie exclaims.

  "Sorry," I say before Mia can yell at me.

  She just shakes her head.

  "Daddy said bad words, Maggie. Don't say those," she tells her.

  "Okay." Maggie nods, then pushes up, pressing her hand into Mia's stomach. Mia cries out, startling Max. She begins to scream, and Maggie bursts into tears.