Infinite Faith Infinite Series, Book 4)

by L. E. Waters

  “James knows your secret.”

  I nod. “He reaches for my face again and strokes my cheek, then removes my hat with his other hand. He puts his hand under my chin to bring my eyes back up to his and smiles once again as he searches my eyes.”

  I pause for a moment.

  Dr. Evert quickly prompts, “What does he do?”

  I swallow hard. “James bends down and kisses my lips. He presses me back on the ground gently, and this time I don’t fight him. As I look into his face, all of the hardness I’ve grown used to disappears as relief wipes away all his pain for the instant. As he looks into my eyes, I can’t imagine a more beautiful man or one that I would rather have this moment with.”

  “This moment, do you mean the kiss?”

  “No,” I say. “More than the kiss.”

  Dr. Evert shifts in his chair. “What happened…after?”

  “The storm retreats and the dark clouds give way to a red sunset just before twilight sets in. I don’t move for fear of breaking the peace of this moment. I fall asleep to his rhythmic breathing, under the blanket of his warm body, happier than I ever have been in my life.”

  There is quiet in the room, until Dr. Evert finally speaks with a soft voice. “Why have you stopped?”

  “Because I just want to stay in that moment.”

  “Please continue.”

  I shake my head.

  “Please.”

  “I awake to James carelessly throwing my uniform on my bare body. ‘Get dressed,’ he says with none of the emotion he showed last night, not even a look my way. He already has his trousers on. I hurry to cover myself, immediately feeling dirty and ashamed. ‘What’s wrong?’ I ask. He gets closer to me and says, ‘I never should’ve—’ but steps back, runs his fingers through his hair, and flees the tent. I pull myself together to follow him. My heart seems to stop beating when I spot him over by the prison guard tower, yelling up to the guard at his post. The guard laughs and James, seeing me, points in my direction as I approach. ‘This soldier needs to be removed from this camp. This private should not be here. It’s a mistake! His sex is misunderstood,’ James exclaims louder than he should, catching the attention of anyone within earshot. This catches the guard off guard, and as he looks me up and down, he states rather nonchalantly, ‘Just count yourself lucky to be sharing a tent with one.’ He ends that with a wink, which sets James off. ‘This soldier is a woman!’ and with this he pulls at the weakened buttons on my shirt, which pops open to reveal my left breast. I quickly pull the shirt closed, but not before the guard witnesses it.”

  “I’m sure James was only thinking of your safety,” Doctor Evert says.

  “I asked James, ‘How could you do this to me after all I have done for you?’”

  “And what did he say?”

  “‘How could I let you die here after all you’ve done for me?’”

  “See, he cared,” the doctor stresses, but he calms his voice again. “I’m sorry, please continue.”

  “I stumble over a rock and fall to my knees while the guard drags me, causing my shirt to reopen, which inspires a cheer among some of the prisoners watching. I get back up, close my shirt again, and lift my chin up, masking my embarrassment. I yell in James’s direction, ‘You better make it out of here, James, and when you do, I’ll see you in Kansas City.’ I hold in my tears and turn to catch him walking to our tent without one glance back at me.”

  The stillness returns. It’s almost as if Dr. Evert has forgotten to direct me. Everything falls black in my mind.

  “Oh, um, right. Don’t walk through the door yet. What is James’s last name and regiment?”

  “James Lyons from the 149th New York Infantry.”

  His pen scratches across his page. “Does he ever find you?”

  “No. I died giving birth to our child. I don’t know if he even survived.”

  “How tragic.” He actually sounds sincere. “Do you see the door?”

  A door appears out of the darkness. “Yes.”

  “Go through it back to the staircase. Start climbing the stairs once again, ten steps, ten more steps, now five steps, and you only have five more steps before you reach the top again. When I clap my hands, I want you to open your eyes and return to our session, remembering everything you saw and heard. One…two…three…” Clap.

  Dr. Evert is much closer to me than when I laid down. The room is darker than I remembered. Was a storm approaching? I strain to sit up, but he puts his hand out.

  “Stay still for a bit. Readjust to everything.” He leans back again and crosses his long legs. “That was quite fascinating. I’ve never witnessed such a detailed session.”

  It hits me what I’ve shared with him.

  “I could have told you most of those things. Not word for word, but I see these memories in my mind every day.”

  “You already knew this?”

  I hesitate a moment. “Yes.”

  “Since I first met you?”

  “I’ve always known what happened. As soon as I saw you, I knew who you were.”

  His eyes sparkle as he takes it all in. “But you didn’t want to tell me.”

  “Of course. I wasn’t sure about telling you today, either, but now you know.”

  “I’m glad I know.”

  There’s a knock at the door. Dr. Evert leaps up. “Just a moment,” he says to me. He steps outside his door and I hear murmuring. I take the time to sit up since lying down makes me feel uncomfortable. He closes the door.

  “Annelie, I cleared this time for us, but it seems an emergency has come up.”

  “That’s fine.” I’m glad to be able to get away from the awkward conversation that was sure to follow. Probably something along the lines of patient-doctor boundaries that were required in situations such as this. “I want to get the seedlings planted today anyway.”

  He grabs the plate of sugar cookies. “Don’t forget these.” The smile he gives me has not lost any of its warmth. He must not be as uncomfortable as I thought.

  I carry the plate back up the stairs to my floor and eat one more cookie before they all pounce on me, leaving an empty plate before Bathilda can take it away.

  “Where did you get these?” she barks.

  “Dr. Evert,” was enough of a response.

  She sputters for a moment but hugs the plate to her chest. “Tell him that plates are very dangerous. They can be broken and used for cutting.”

  “I’ll be sure to tell him.” Over Bathilda’s shoulder, I spy a visitor in the great room. I walk away from Bathilda to discover that it’s Odelia’s husband and, to even more surprise, she’s actually sitting across from him.

  Gitta shuffles out cards for another game of solitaire two tables over from them, but I can tell she’s been listening.

  I whisper to her, “I’m surprised she’s visiting with him.”

  She leans closer to me as she makes seven piles of cards. “She’s barely talking to him, though. He’s been blabbering on about what he’s been doing these last few weeks.”

  I look over my shoulder to Odelia staring out above his head as he runs on and on. “—and you wouldn’t believe the state of the house after you’ve left. I can’t get anyone to clean it as well as you. The garden’s a mess and the bedrooms—”

  Suddenly she whips her head around with venom. “Bedrooms, Gustav! How can you even stay in that house alone, with their things all around? Their bedrooms, still just as they’ve left it.” She stands with her fists clenched on the table. “Why aren’t you here too? Didn’t you care about your children at all?”

  He braces himself back in his chair with a clear concern that she might dart at him. Frieda runs from the desk to stand behind her in case she should. Gustav pinches his thin lips tight as she waits for him to answer.

  “Of course I miss them. Just because I haven’t fallen apart doesn’t mean that I’m not grieving as well. We have to live our life.”

&nbs
p; “They were our babies. They were my life! I gave everything to them, and now that they’re gone, there is nothing left.” She pounds her fists on the table, and Frieda braces her and pulls her away from the table. She screams as she’s dragged into her room. “Your life should be over too!”

  Odelia’s sobs are heard through the thick door. The rest of the room is frozen, watching Gustav. Gustav turns around to me. “You.”

  I point to my chest, unsure if he means me or Gitta. He nods and waves me over to his table. I get up slowly, wondering what he might want from me.

  “You’re friends with Odelia, yes?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you think you could give this letter to her?” He pulls out a heavy envelope. There must be pages upon pages in there. “Every time I come here, I seem to say the wrong things. This letter explains things better. Can you try to get her to read it?”

  It’s hard to see the Captain in such a diminished state. He’s usually a character of such strength, but now he looks like a punished child.

  “I will do my best.” I tuck it away before Bathilda notices.

  He reaches a strong arm out to catch me before I go. I catch sight of that familiar scar running from his wrist up past his well-ironed cuff. “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did when you stopped me on the street. I didn’t know you were…sick.”

  “No, I’m the one who should be sorry. I don’t know why I thought you would recognize me.”

  His slate eyes narrow upon me. “The odd thing is that I do feel like I’ve seen you before.” He swallows back an inverted belch. “Maybe we go to the same church?”

  I shake my head. “We don’t go to church.”

  “Why did you call me that name…Molly?”

  Here it goes. “That was your name in your last life.”

  He smirks. “Are you telling me I was a woman?”

  “Molly wasn’t your typical woman. She ran a brothel like any shrewd businessman could.”

  “A Madame.” He’s actually enjoying this all. “I’m sure Odelia would agree with that connection.” He crosses his arms but asks, “And how did I know you, in our last life?” The smirk just won’t ease.

  “I worked for you…as a dancer in a saloon. We lived in America, in Kansas City.”

  He chuckles. “Odelia must have told you that I love the American westerns. That’s how you know that.”

  “Odelia doesn’t talk about you at all, actually.”

  The smirk finally falls from his face. “She used to care about me.” He gets up to look out the window. “I’ve not only lost two sweet babies, but I’ve lost my wife as well.” He sucks back any sign of tears. “She’s all I have left. I can’t give up on her. I will do all I can to save her.”

  “I think she is getting better,” is all I can offer him.

  “What a beautiful garden that is.” He points. “Down below there.”

  I stand beside him and wonder what he sees since I only see neatly planted rows and cuttings tied to stakes. “That’s our garden. All the patients on this floor have created it from nothing. But it’s just starting to grow.”

  “No, I can tell it will be glorious.” He looks down proudly. “Odelia grows the finest roses. I feel so much better knowing she’s getting outside.” He turns back to the room and shivers. “As charming as this room is.” He rolls back on his hat and drapes his fine coat on his arm. “Don’t forget the letter.”

  “I won’t.”

  Chapter 12

  It’s excruciating waiting for Kathrin to visit. She returns when she said she would, and I can tell by her glow that everything must be working out with indigo-eyes. She sets down the dresses I asked Mother for and a package of sweets right away.

  I shake my head. “Don’t let Bathilda see that.”

  Kathrin looks behind her in search of Bathilda. “Oh, I hope she does.” She leans closer in a whisper. “I’ve made her these sweets myself. A special batch of caramels with a little something I conjured up for a laxative effect, covered in chocolate, of course, to help it go down.” She gives a witchy giggle as she falls back in the metal chair.

  Kathrin never ceases to amaze me. The thought of Bathilda stuffing her mouth with them later fills me with so much joy.

  “I couldn’t wait to tell you.” I motion her to lean in again. “You won’t believe it, but the doctor hypnotized me.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “He regressed me back to some of my other lives. Most specifically, to the day when James and I were in the prison camp.”

  Her eyebrows rise. “No. You didn’t tell him about that. You’ll never get out of this place now.” The worry sets hard lines on her face. “You know how this will look to him.”

  “I don’t think he took it badly. I mean, I haven’t seen him again since, but he didn’t look worried. Actually, he looked confused and even interested—”

  “I’m sure he was.” She laughs. “How detailed did you get?”

  “I told him everything. I remembered every word.” I shrug. “It might get me into trouble, but I’m glad I’m not holding it in anymore. We’ll see what happens.”

  “I think I’ll be bringing Bathilda sweets for years now.” She looks around at the others reading and occasionally glancing at the box of sweets she displays. “I really hoped you would be coming home soon. I want you to meet Carsten.”

  “Bring him here.”

  “Here?” She glances to bars on the window. “I don’t know about that.”

  “It’s not that bad. It might be the only way I’ll ever meet him.”

  “Well, stop telling your doctor that you made love to him in a past life and maybe you’ll get out.”

  She always makes me laugh.

  “I think he’s going to ask me to marry him.” Her shoulders crunch up in girlish joy. “We just might get it right this time.”

  “I hope you do. You both deserve a nice, quiet life together finally.”

  “I can just see my little children with indigo eyes.” She sighs. “But I don’t know about peaceful. So much is happening outside these walls.”

  “Every once in a while, someone gets hold of a discarded newspaper around here, but it’s usually months behind.”

  “The Nazis are everywhere you look, and they’re growing in such large numbers with Hitler’s forced compliance. Everyone just smiles and salutes for fear of persecution if they don’t. It doesn’t look good for the Jews, or for anyone else that disagrees with his politics, for that matter.”

  “Maybe I should be glad that I’m in here.”

  Her wide eyes get even wider. “Carsten has told me that you should be worried. He said that during the war, they violently forced out all the patients in the asylums for beds and shelter for the soldiers. I think you should try to get out of here as we move closer and closer to another war.”

  “Well, it hasn’t reached that point yet, and things have changed. They wouldn’t just throw everyone out on the street.”

  Her face tenses. “I fear Hitler has more dangerous plans.”

  I scoff. “There’s nothing to worry about now. Except for planning your wedding. If you do get engaged, do you think they’d let me out to see it?”

  “They better, or I’m putting sleeping pills in the next sweets and smuggling you out.”

  Bathilda calls out, “Visiting time is up!”

  Kathrin sneers with her back turned to Bathilda. “I brought these sweets just for you. They are very, very special, so please don’t share them,” she says so Bathilda will overhear. She laughs one more time before leaving, then whispers, “Serves her right for stealing from patients. Just make sure you or anyone else you like doesn’t get into these.”

  I nod and give her a tight hug. After sharing a bedroom with her my whole life, it’s hard to see her so rarely now. Frieda passes Kathrin on the way through the gate and immediately comes over to my table.

  “Oh, did your sister bring m
ore of those wonderful chocolates.” She eyes the box.

  “Yes, she did.” I wink to her, then whisper, “With something special in them just for Bathilda.”

  She mouths a surprised ‘Oh’ at the very moment Bathilda appears next to her.

  “I’ll make sure these are safe for the patients.” Bathilda sweeps them up in her large hands.

  Frieda does everything to control her laughter. As soon as she recovers, she says, “Time to garden, everyone.”

  I hop up and we make our way over to the boots and work clothes.

  It only takes a few days until we’ve got the seeds planted, the roses going with all the special tilling and soil, and morning glories planted all around the steel fence. I hope in a few weeks they’ll turn into a lush, blooming wall.

  Dr. Evert stands overlooking the whole garden with his hands on his hips and pronounces to us, “Now this is the secret garden I imagined.” He holds a hand up in the air. “It just needs a few more things.”

  We walk to the gate to watch him unload a couple of simple benches he’s made and birdbaths he’s crafted from tree trunks and cement bowls. He nestles them in among where summer roses will hopefully bloom, and we work until the sun starts going down raking gravel pathways between the beds. Soon the birds come to sing and the whole rest of the world disappears into decadent smells of spring pollen and earthy fertilizer.

  ∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

  I hope upon opening Dr. Evert’s door that I will find him with his nose in the usual file, but he seems different, unfortunately. He’s leaning on the high windowsill looking out on our garden project. He doesn’t even notice that I’ve entered until I sit down. He turns quickly and gives me a pensive smile, not like the normal reassuring, therapeutic smile. Something is different.

  “Annelie.” He sits on the edge of his desk. Much nearer to me. “I have to be honest with you.”

  Oh no. Here it comes. He can’t work with me anymore because of what I told him in our last session.

  His blue-grey eyes connect with mine with such intensity, it partly scares me, partly thrills me.