‘Mom said we need to open a PO Box and then I can get my journal back. You need to pick Seth up from soccer, see you later,’ and she was gone. Back to the glowing Lexi I loved and I sighed, closing the computer, Lucas.
Walking to collect Seth, I could not stop imagining what the person who had just saved us all from an apocalyptic meltdown from my sister was doing right now. I was completely lost in my thoughts and did not see the ball heading my way until it was almost too late.
‘Ooops, sorry, Lexi.’ The boy barely older than Seth guiltily smiled as he retrieved the ball that almost brained me and went back to the game.
‘That is my sister, Caitlan, dumbass,’ Seth nudged him as he passed. ‘You okay, sis?’ I had never known how much love I could feel for another human aside from my twin sister, until my little brother was born. He was my other soul mate and ruffling his hair, I could not love anyone more.
‘Thanks, bro, but watch your language, mom would have a fit.’ Filling him in on the journal update and the mysterious Lucas who had found it, occupied us the whole way home and Lexi nearly castrating my arm dragging me upstairs so full of joy when we got home had me grinning from ear to ear. She was really back.
‘Seriously, I may need that arm you know. What got into you?’ I mockingly rubbed my arm as she animatedly filled me in on everything I had missed.
‘Caitlan, he wants to write, like a pen friend, here read it.’ I scrutinised the email and my heart stopped. Once again, another guy had fallen for my sister.
I would love to get to know you more. Write to me, it will be worth it, I promise.
The bile was breaching the gate in my throat and I tried to swallow my hurt away unsuccessfully.
‘That’s great, well have fun then.’ Knowing how my emotions betrayed me and tears always came in anger, I wanted to leave that room as fast as possible.
‘No, Caitlan, wait, you don’t get it. He wants to write to you silly.’ I was completely confused and she was not explaining fast enough.
‘What are you talking about? I don’t care; just leave me out of it,’ slamming the door behind me, this was nothing new and my heart ached at the betrayal I felt whenever those feelings of hatred blackened my soul. I loved my sister more than life, but for once, I just wanted something that was all mine. Someone to look at me and see Caitlan, not just Lexi’s sister and I hated myself for feeling this way.
Staring at the reflection in the mirror, all I saw was failure, disillusionment and disgust. We may be identical in looks, but I was so far from resembling my sister it hurt and I threw myself onto the bed and cried for envying the person I should only love.
Lexi- Just like you
The door of Caitlan’s room slamming echoed around the polished hallway. Butterflies strategically placed on the cream paint mocked my insensitivity.
They should have named this the butterfly house; my mother was obsessed with them and the décor in each room reflected that obsession. All except mine of course, I had long since gotten sick of their perfect symmetrical wings fluttering in disgust whenever I opened my mouth. Foot in mouth disease was my forte with my sister. She was the epitome of perfection, yet so blinkered to her own beauty, intelligence and sense of humour; I could barely reach her.
Reading her journal was the only way I could truly get an idea what she was feeling and thinking. Wrong on so many levels I know, but being an identical twin is so hard sometimes. Everyone classes you as the same person and we could not be more different.
People look on me as the strong one, but deep down I am just as insecure about myself as Caitlan and reading her comments just made my heart crush under all the pain she truly felt.
Invisibility was her best friend and that is all I longed for. Not to be the centre of everyone’s attention, to be free to just be Lexi and to get away, far away from my father as soon as possible. His reaction when I lost the journal was typical. Nothing changed where I was concerned with him.
My mom said it was because we were so alike. Who knows? He has never let me get close enough to find out and now I do not want to anymore. All those years of pushing me away has taken its toll and just being in the same room with him for more than two minutes at a time results in endless bickering.
That is why I read Caitlan’s journal and that is the reason I was so panicked. Not because I had lost mine though that would have been terrible. It was because I lost hers.
Lucas was our guardian angel and reading his response to me, though actually Caitlan as I always switched the identification page out, just so I didn’t get caught reading it, made all the pain ebb away; washing away all my hatred and cleansing me back to a comfortable level.
Knocking on Caitlan’s door, I sighed. Lying to my sister was the worst sin I could ever imagine, but it was for her own good. This I had no doubt of. She needed this and though I did not know the guy, there was something about him, she needed Lucas.
‘Caitlan, come on, let me explain, please.’ I knew if I pitched my voice at just the right level, she would come around.
‘Fine, come in.’ I could tell she had been crying and once again, my mask was slipping. No, I can do this; she needs it.
‘I just want to explain what I meant. Caitlan, I really think you and Lucas could be great friends and maybe someday more.’ Her eyebrow raised in speculation. Why she could not see just how she lit up a room whenever she smiled was beyond me. ‘I think you should write to him and if you hate him then stop, but just give it a try. I know you think dance is all you need and me and Seth, but we are going to leave someday and I want you to have options.’
‘You make it sound like I’m shopping for another outfit and stop being so morbid. Nothing is going to happen to you and if it does then I will go too. Sisters forever, remember.’ Pulling me into her arms, I rested my head on her shoulder. She was wrong; I would be leaving and much quicker than she thinks.
I had sent off my applications for early admission into college and my interview was next month. Getting away from my sister was the biggest downfall, but I wonder if it will do us all the world of good and we can shine alone for once?
‘So what do you say? Just write him a letter, I know you prefer pen and paper to email. He has given a PO Box address to reply to and see how it goes. I have such a good feeling about him, Caitlan.’ I was getting through to her and could not stop now. ‘Besides, I have text Christopher, the guy from the bus and he replied back. We can both double date or something. I don’t think Lucas lives far away.
‘Hold your horses, Lex. I have only agreed to write to him, not meet.’ Our conversation was brought to a halt with the sound of my dad pulling up outside, but she had agreed and I felt so free.
Dinner was awful as usual, my father making snarky comments whenever he got the chance and my mother desperately trying to change the subject.
Excusing myself complaining of a headache, I sat on the swing my brother had built before he left. I missed him so much and I swear that my dad’s resentment towards me grew when Andy left. But that was just an excuse, to try to ease the hurt that spewed over whenever he looked at me. I was such a disappointment and nothing was ever good enough for him. I got good grades, excelled at ballet and had all the friends I could hope for, yet my father was the only person I wanted to accept me and the only person who never would.
Looking at the house I had lived in since I was born I marvelled at its impressive rue. So perfect on the outside, as much as our family appeared to be, the envy of many and yet so flawed. The three-story structure with its white sandstone and pillared porch was dazzling in the sunlight that had graced us with its beauty, the heat penetrating my tired soul, before the clouds devoured it and the rain started to fall. Typical Seattle weather and something I would not miss, I would miss this house though.
The entrance hall hugged you as you entered with its family feel. My mom had put every possible picture of us from infants to now there amass with butterflies of course and the circular staircase with its sta
ined glass window threw rainbow crystal reflections, dancing across the walls. Downstairs was the family room, kitchen and upstairs was my parents and Seth’s room. Andy had the next floor bedroom which was now being used as the office and Caitlan and I had the top floor with the attic as our make shift dance studio.
I loved ballet as much as my sister did and was technically matched ability wise. But she had a dancer’s heart and soul, so much dedication, passion and drive. I envied that, as up to now there was nothing I felt that desire for, except maybe pushing my dad to hate me that little bit more. Aggravate him wearing clothes I know he would disapprove of and befriending people he would hate. This negative cycle was the fuel that drove me on most of the time, but something was changing in me.
Maybe the fact that I knew I would be leaving soon, I do not know, but I had wanted so much for things to be different between us for as long as I can remember. Now though, I just wanted to get away and that drive and determination was my fuel, igniting me forwards whenever I faltered.
‘Lexi, you out here?’ My sister’s voice brought me back to the present and I inwardly smiled, she looked so beautiful all confused about what to say to Lucas. So naive, so pure, so unexpected. He was a lucky guy.
‘Tell me what you have so far.’ She was clutching a pad in her hands and pacing back and forth. I had to suppress a laugh. She needed serious Lexi.
‘Okay, dear Lucas, etc. Thanks for your letter and… This is insane. I can’t do this. Here, you write it.’ Throwing the pad and pen into my arms, I could not resist the smile that was plying my lips open without regard.
‘You like him, don’t you.’ The fact she was vehemently denying it was the biggest giveaway. Caitlan was always an open book with certain feelings. Even I was not oblivious to that.
‘I don’t even know the guy, Lexi. This is a bad idea I just know it. I can’t do this, I need to practice.’ Grabbing her hand, I pulled her back into the house.
‘We will practice and then write together. I want to write to Christopher anyway.’ I knew if it was less of a thing and more natural she would calm down. Adding the practice session in would ease her nerves and it worked.
We warmed up together as usual, our moves so lithe like and symmetrical. The best thing about being an identical twin was sharing this love with my sister. We pirouetted together completely in time around the room and ended with a grand finale that I knew would secure her the place of Juliet. She was lost in the emotions of Juliet and I could never copy that.
My sister had the purest heart I know and she would do anything for me. It is rare you ever find a person who loves you so unconditionally and showering off the perspiration from our vigorous dance session I marvelled at my family dynamics. So much love from one side and despisement from the other.
In all these years, no matter the fights and arguments that we had, I had never broken the one thing I had the power to do. I could take all this away from him within seconds, just with five words that would change our course as a family forever.
Would I ever, should I? Words that haunted me, but it was for the love of my sister and Seth I kept my mouth shut. They deserved more than this, more than the lies that contorted around me whenever I saw my father look at my mother.
It was not real, none of it was. Not since the moment I saw him kissing her. He had been having an affair for years and I had kept it hidden, eating away at my soul with its blackened vines.
He was everything my mother dreamt of all rolled up into a blond muscle package. Yet the truth was, he was a heartless bastard who cheated on her whenever he got the chance. This was the reason I despised him so much and this was the reason I needed to get away. Before the truth suffocated me. The sooner the better.
‘Lexi, here is the final version. What do you think?’ I marvelled at Caitlan’s penmanship, so elegant and sophisticated. Drinking in every swirl and circular motion as though I was a ship sailing along its sapphire blue ocean.
Dear Lucas
Thank you for your message and for returning my journal to me. You have no idea how much that means. Writing is my only way of expressing my true feelings and is an extension of me in every way. Except ballet of course. Dancing around the room, until my feet bleed and my soul is soaring is the epitome of happiness too. I’m a weirdo right, so I strongly suggest you find another girl to write too. One that didn’t pace around the room and throw the pad at her sister for instance. Yes, you don’t want to write to me. Trust me.
Ever-grateful Lexi.
‘It’s terrible right. I can’t do this; it is crazy. Pretending to be you is impossible. I can never be you.’ I hated seeing her eyes diminish herself. This is why I need to go too. She will shine when free from my shadow.
‘You are not being me. Everything you wrote was Caitlan. You just signed my name that is all. I promise you, Caitlan, you need this and he will be everything you ever dreamt of, I guarantee it.’
The chance of Lucas finding the journal was so slim, it had to have happened for a reason and I felt so strongly this could only be beneficial for Caitlan. No matter what, I would be leaving and the thought of her being alone terrified me. Lucas was the key to my exit door and I needed him more than he could possibly imagine.
Caitlan - Waiting
The next three days felt like an endlessly turning merry-go-round. I was hyper sensitive to everything, nauseous to the pit of my stomach and so distracted I was late for my dance class.
‘Is that the mail, Dad?’ Pouncing on my father as soon as he was half way through the door, dying to swipe the contents of his hands away before he had chance to see the letter I was longing to find in it.
‘Sure, here, can you put the rest down on the counter please. Wait, what are you so giddy about? Did a book from Amazon come in?’ He was starting to peruse the pile of mail and the nausea was brimming to the surface.
‘It’s something for Lexi, a gift for our birthday,’ plastering a fake smile across my face. Lying was so not my forte, but it was a letter for Lexi I was looking for and our birthdays were coming up, so technically a half-truth. I mulled over the inconsistencies in my story briefly and reached to relieve him of my treasured letters.
‘Oh, there is something I need to tell you. I’m so sorry sweetheart, but I have been called back to base. I’m going to miss your birthday party. I feel terrible, so I was thinking we could go to Colorado and visit your grandparents when I get back. I know you love it there and I could use a change of scenery.’ I was distracted initially with the thought of going to see my grandparents. Colorado was my heaven on Earth, the only place I felt totally home and getting to ride horses and dance under the moonlit night, pure bliss.
‘Is everything okay, Dad?’ sensing there was more to the offer, I looked into the eyes I knew so well. We had our mother’s eyes, but my dad’s were equally striking, a mix of jade green and ocean blue, it was no wonder all the women at my mother’s club drooled over him.
A Captain in the Navy, he had risen the ranks with ease and with the equally matched physic, a dream to most women. To me, he was just dad, but I had noticed more and more recently, the hushed voices and telephone calls he would make. It never seemed pleasant, and he always was on edge whenever mom went near his phone. I had not said anything to Lexi, but deep down, I was scared there was something brewing and not feeling able to deal with the repercussions of an interrogation from Lexi, wanting to know every fine detail I had kept quiet.
‘Everything is fine sweetheart, I’m just sad I will miss your special day. Here, go hide this before your sister wakes up. Don’t want to spoil the surprise now do we.’ I smiled and hugged him as best I could, holding the mail with one hand. Those little moments where he would be considerate to Lexi and show some kind of emotion other than anger made me cling onto the hope their relationship could improve. It had not always been like this. Things started to change a couple of years back and I could never figure out what was the ignition for the explosive hatred that developed between them.
Lexi would never say and my mom would brush it under the carpet as though it was just typical teenage behaviour, nothing that was not to be expected.
Clinging to the mail, I flopped onto my bed and carefully lifted the seal of the letter Lucas had sent me. Folding out the three pages long, holy crap, three, I began to read.
Dear Lexi
It was so great seeing your letter arrive on the doormat. I was scared I wouldn’t hear from you. I know how scary it can be to put yourself out there, but with me, I just want you to be yourself, whatever that maybe. I think you have many special gifts and I can’t wait to get to know you more. I loved getting your letter, but the wait to hear back from you is torture, so I have a proposition. We keep writing letters, but in the time between, maybe we could email a little. My brother is away at college and my mom is driving me crazy as per usual. Life is boring without you in it and I hope you write and email back soon.
Your friend
Lucas.
I read the letter over and over, dissecting every possible meaning of each word he had said until my head ached. Crap, I was really late for class now and grabbing the letter and putting it into my gym bag I ran as fast as I could to my ballet class.
‘Caitlan, you finally decided to grace us with an appearance.’ Madam, looking pissed was not an unusual event, but directing that specifically towards me was not my preferred choice. Being the people pleaser, I was not used to confrontation and apologising profusely I changed into my leotard and took my place at the barre.
Warming up slowly, I was still distracted reading Lucas’s letter repeatedly in my head. He seemed to imply he liked me, but that whole, your friend, at the bottom was filling me with self-loathing doubt whenever it had the opportunity. Of course he only wants to be your friend, idiot, what else did you honestly expect? I shook my head to try to clear my thoughts and focused on nailing my pointe before finishing with a pas de bourree and reached for my towel to wipe the salty beads dripping off my forehead away.
The Beginning (The Butterfly Series Book 2) Page 2
