Madam had worked us all harder than usual and removing my ballet slippers, the evidence was clear. Strapping my big toe up, I hobbled back into my sneakers, wincing at the pain, but this was what you had to deal with as a professional ballerina and that was my dream.
Being principal dancer for the New York Ballet Company was all I had focused on for as long as I could remember. My dad insisted on achieving academics as well of course and with my 4.0 grade score average I was hoping it would push me up the list for the auditions in two years’ time.
The company pictures were plastered all over my room and until now, nothing had mattered more. Sighing to myself, I knew I could not let Lucas take my focus away, but there was no harm in a little fun too. Besides, he said he was bored. It is what any good friend should do, right?
Lexi bounding over to me brought me back from my musings and the grin on her face piqued my interest to the point I forgot about my sore feet and focused wholly on my mirror image.
‘Hey, where were you? Madam was having a fit when you didn’t show up on time,’ her eyes so filled with life, it was like drinking ten cups of espresso being in her presence.
‘I was waiting for the mail. Lex he wants me to email too. What does that mean?’
‘Hmm, let me read the letter.’ I paced back and forth as she digested each and every word. Growing ever more impatient at the lack of a response.
‘Okay, my best guess, he really likes you, but there is someone else. I think it’s over for him, but not officially, so he is playing it cool, but not wanting to at the same time.’ She was the all-knowing guy reader, and I was clueless.
‘You got all that from three pages?’ I was in awe; guys were such a mystery to me, an alien from another planet with no manual. Explains why at almost sixteen I had never been on a date, let alone kissed a guy.
‘Just dated a few bad ones, sis, that is all. He seems like a decent guy and just got another score from me. Christopher has asked me to meet him next month before he goes on his first deployment.’ I had never seen her this way over a guy before, all fidgety and a bag of nerves, just like I was feeling whenever I thought of Lucas.
‘I will cover for you, if you’re sure?’ A game we often played successfully until Seth was born. No one could tell us apart, not even our parents and knowing how different she seemed with Christopher, it would be worth it. She never made a big deal over guys, there was always someone hanging around, but this was different and I could see just how much getting to know him more was meaning to her.
‘I love you, it’s a deal. So I was thinking about what to get you for your birthday and now with Lucas, it seems the perfect choice.’ Lexi was jubilantly jumping up and down when Madam appeared startling us both.
‘A true test of a ballerina is the ability to cross a surface without making a sound. Do you have this skill, Caitlan, and no longer require my expert assistance?’
‘No, Madam. I apologise for being late, it won’t happen again.’
‘Indeed, it better not. I don’t suffer time wasters gladly,’ turning around and floating across the perfectly lacquered floor as only she could.
‘Don’t worry about her, so are you going to email Lucas then?’ My pulse started racing at the thought and all the way home I could not hear what Lexi was saying to me. Just nodding in all the appropriate places, completely fixated on getting to the computer as quickly as I could.
Staring at the screen for the longest time, trying to think of something witty, cool, or profound to say I began to type.
Hi, Lucas
Hope you’re having a great day. Oh, my God, I am so lame.
Do you like to read and what is your favourite book?
I hit send before I had chance to erase the message for the tenth time and waited.
Hey, Lexi, so great to hear from you. I was dying of boredom, so you caught me just in time.
I giggled and memorised each and every word thereafter. He loved books too and although slightly differing tastes, I appreciated his selection and replied as fast as I could without looking like I was desperate to hear from him. We messaged back and forth for hours, asking every possible question I could think of from his favourite baseball team to his most admired historical figure. His desire and passion for history and the law had shone through and I mused whether being married to a ballerina would be an acceptable career for a lawyer’s wife. I was just about to talk about the movie I was planning on watching later when his return message sent a red-hot dagger through my chest.
I have got to go, my girlfriend is just calling my cell. Speak later okay?
I slammed the laptop so hard, trapping my finger in the process. How could I have been so stupid? Of course he would have a girlfriend. How could he not? He was the most intelligent, funny and cool guy I had ever met. Opening up the laptop, I sucked on my finger, ready to write the message I knew I had to send when the raining emails came through.
Lexi, you okay? Please write back. It is not what you think.
You know every guy deserves the chance to explain. Well not all, but some at least, namely me, Lucas. The idiot who just hurt your feelings without ever meaning to or desiring to again.
Come on, at least rant at me or something. Scream; say something.
There once was an ass named Lucas, he was dying to hear back from a girl named Lexi.
Lexi, are you there Lexi. Is it quiet in here or is it just me?
You know, talking to myself is kind of cathartic.
Or boring, yes definitely boring.
Just so you know I won’t stop until you reply back. I can do this all day.
I was about to reply when another message penetrated through.
I’m sorry, baby, please.
Just those words and my frozen heart melted. No one had ever called me that before, nor made me feel in the pit of my stomach the longing so intense I just wanted to get a plane ticket and go meet him right here and now. We could be friends right?
Knowing how dangerous this was and how much I cared for him already I knew the only thing I should do would be to press delete.
Lucas, I’m here.
Lexi - College
It was a week before our birthday and I had strategically planned everything. I had been saving all the money I received from chores for the last two months to be able to buy a ticket to New York and to purchase Caitlan’s present. My interview was in three days’ time and I really needed to book my flight.
Opening the laptop I selected the airline I would fly with and checking it was all clear and no one was about to burst in on me I booked my ticket. The feelings swamped me, a mixture of pure adrenaline and terrifying fear. Would I be able to go through with this and leave my family behind? Caitlan would join me eventually, but not for another two years. No one, not even her had known I was doing the accelerated classes, everyone assuming I was out with friends getting into trouble no doubt was my dad’s thoughts. But no, I had been studying my ass off and my escape plan was forming, foundations built, concrete was next and heading downstairs to speak with my mom and confirm my pseudo sleepover with Leah, my heart was in my mouth.
‘Mom, Leah has asked me to go shopping with her on Thursday in the city and sleep over. I figured I could get Caitlan’s present and look for a dress for the party. Will that be okay?’ I forced a smile and my eyes focused anywhere other than her eyes. I hated lying to my mother more than anything else, but there was no choice. I was drowning here with my father and the all-consuming betrayal table for one was tearing me apart. Knowing and not telling my mother, what my father was doing with that bitch was unadulterated torture and I had to get away now.
‘Sure, honey, it is fine with me. You will need to check with your dad though before you confirm anything with Leah.’ My chin dropped to the floor, quicker than an elevator dangling free from its moorings.
‘Right, er, Mom, could you speak to him please? I just don’t want to get into another fight, please, Mom.’ My voice was fuelled with all the
penance I could muster. Sorry for every little thing I had ever done to anyone. Just do not make me do this.
‘Honey, you need to speak with him, it will be fine. Trust me.’ Forcing a fake smile, I slouched off the chair and trudged over to his office. Knocking on the door, I felt like a field mouse about to come face to face with a python, constricting my throat I could barely get a word out.
‘Dad,’ I squeaked, clearing my voice and trying again. ‘Dad.’ He lifted his head from the laptop and stared straight through me.
‘Lexi.’ He uttered as though I was the last person he ever wanted to share air with let alone talk to. Taking a deep breath, I could do this; there was no other choice and re-fuelling all the desperation, I found my voice.
‘Dad, can I go to the city with Leah on Thursday to get Caitlan’s present and stay over at her house for the night please. I have asked mom, and she has said it is fine with her. I just need to check with you.’ Staring straight at him, I saw his loathing for me wash over him and he glanced back down to his computer after the beep of an incoming email distracted him. From her no doubt.
‘That will be fine; do you need any money for your sister’s gift?’ I smiled internally, he really did love my sister and despite the fact that I knew there was a part of me that still loved him too, it hurt.
‘No, I’m good thanks,’ turning to leave before I had chance to ruin anything. That was it, the concrete had set, and the timber was constructed. Heading to my sister’s room, my house of betrayal was complete.
‘Hey, what you up to?’ Caitlan was sat cross-legged on the bed, staring at the laptop as though it was her most prized and beloved possession. She was talking to Lucas.
‘Nothing.’ Her face flushed beet red, and she closed the screen faster than I could take my next breath.
‘Really, huh, keeping secrets from your big sister,’ and I swallowed painfully; no that was me.
‘Lexi, Lucas has a girlfriend.’ I suddenly felt weak; I had pushed her to talk to him.
‘I’m sorry, Caitlan, I would never have suggested the idea if I had known. What is he playing at? The creep. Well, I hope you told him where to go.’ My blood was boiling, yet she was completely composed, not at all upset. ‘Why are you not bothered?’
‘Er, well, I want to be friends with him.’
‘Caitlan, no, this is only going to end with a mountain of hurt and you on the top of it. There are way more guys out there, don’t do this, I know you want more than to be his friend.’ I had never seen her so animated and goofy at the hands of a boy before. My little sister, by two minutes and she was falling for someone who would only break her heart. I would not be here to help pick up the pieces and I flopped onto her bed in despair.
‘It is okay, Lexi, I know what I’m doing, trust me.’ Trust her? With my life, but this, no way.
‘Look, I have been there and trust me, it won’t end pretty. He won’t leave her for you.’ Those words echoed in my ears and like a forest fire just given a new source to burn, I had stuck my size six in my mouth.
‘Of course he wouldn’t leave her for me. I’m not you right and why would anyone want me when they can have you or her or any other living species known to man, than me.’ She was rambling incoherently, she always did this when she was upset and the look on her face shredded my heart knowing I had caused it.
‘Caitlan, you know that is not true, you could have any guy you wanted. What I mean is that you don’t want to start a relationship with someone who isn’t committed to you the way you deserve.’ Oh my God, what am I saying? I sounded like a bad version of a talk show host and she was livid.
‘Get out, Lexi, I’m sick of you telling me what to do and treating me like I’m some pathetic little kid who has no clue about anything. Go, right now, I mean it, get out.’ I had never seen Caitlan so angry with me. Yes, we had our fights, we were still sisters, but she was also my best friend and knowing that she was getting into a world of hurt was not something I could just ignore. I knew what I had to do and taking one last look at her face, I closed the door to her room, my fingers itching to type.
Dear Lucas the Jerk
I don’t know what the hell your game is, but let’s make this very simple so that even your teeny tiny excuse for a brain can understand it. You hurt my sister in any way and I swear to God I will make your life a living hell.
Why would you write to her knowing you have a girlfriend, what kind of person are you? Don’t answer that I know all too well, but you don’t realise just how rare my sister is. You will never find another girl like her, not that you deserve one anyway. You don’t get to be the player with my sister, you understand. Leave her alone!
Caitlan.
I hit send and waited for the amoeba to reply. My sister’s first guy, and this was the one she ended up with all because of me. The reply came much faster than I anticipated.
Dear Caitlan
I will never hurt or mislead your sister in any way. I have a girlfriend yes, not of my choosing and not something I want to continue with.
Lexi has told me about the relationship you have with your father and I can relate on so many levels. My mom, the girlfriend fixer is my Mussolini and as soon as I can get away from here the better.
I leave for college soon and that will limit her control over me, I don’t care for that girl at all, it is just a show, and she knows it too. I want to take it slow with your sister, be friends and see where it leads. I know what I want, you’re right, I have never met anyone like her before and this is exactly why I want to take it slow.
Being friends, even though I want more is my way of protecting her. Please trust me, I will never hurt your sister, you have my word.
Lucas.
Closing the laptop, I lay my head on the pillow, before scrunching it over my head. Picking up my phone, I began to type.
Caitlan I am so sorry. You’re right, it is up to you to choose who you date or be friends with. To say otherwise is becoming dad, someone I never want to be known as. Please forgive me; I just want to protect you always.
Love Lexi.
Opening a new window, I continued.
Leah, it’s Lexi. I am going to New York on Thursday to get Caitlan’s present. You are my cover story if anyone asks; we are together in the city. Thanks so much, I owe you one.
This would be the last chance of getting away to college on early admission. I had enough for the first instalment of tuition and would work part time to pay for the next. I could do this, should I was the other question, but shaking my head, I needed to focus.
I had all my recommendations for college and transcript, my flight was booked, Leah was my cover story and she would be away too visiting her grandparents so the perfect excuse. Only problem left was finding a place to stay within my budget for the night and opening the laptop I checked the prices.
Holy crap, they were all more expensive than I could ever afford. There was no way I was dipping into Caitlan’s present money, what other options did that leave?
‘Lexi, get down here right now,’ my dad’s voice pitched all the way up the stairs and I froze. What had I missed?
‘Lexi, don’t make me ask again.’ Climbing off the bed and through the door. What have I done now? Closing the door to his study without saying a word, my heart was pounding.
‘I just had a very interesting conversation with an academic advisor from Princeton, discussing early admission and your interview on Thursday.’ I felt like I would collapse at any second, or throw up, or both.
‘I, don’t know what you want me to say?’ My voice was barely audible, but he caught every word.
‘Oh, let’s see. How about for once in your life, you tell the truth. Yes that sounds like a plan.’ He was bellowing at me and I lost it.
‘The truth, huh, that is an interesting choice of words, Dad.’ I enunciated every word and had it been possible to anger him further that did it.
‘Listen to me, girlie, I have had enough of your attitude to last me ten li
fe times. Not only are you not going remotely near New York, you will not leave this house until the day you graduate without my say so and if you think I will be paying for that ticket you booked, you have another thing coming.’ I could not say anything for the longest time, just staring at the man I once knew and loved.
Any positive feeling and emotion I had left for him, leaching out onto the beige carpet and sinking into the thick pile. My escape plan was destroyed, catapulted down and blown to smithereens. This was the last thing I had been clinging onto and now it had been ripped away. A tornado of hatred swept right over me and any traces of remorse were gone.
‘I hate you and I will never forgive you for this.’ The venomous tone of my voice stung my tongue as the words came out, but I meant every word. Slamming the door behind me, I ran into the garden and cried a thousand tears. I was not going anywhere.
Caitlan - Birthday
The past week had flown by with writing to Lucas and practising every other moment for the audition in a weeks’ time.
Our birthday was tomorrow and though I was excited, the tension that had surrounded the last few days had marred my enthusiasm considerably. Lexi had been walking round with a face like thunder and no matter how much I asked she refused to tell me what was wrong. She claimed she was ill, but I knew her too well to buy that.
The Beginning (The Butterfly Series Book 2) Page 3
