He locked his door and went and stood by the car until she came back down the stairs. Opening the door for her, he clasped her hand before she could sit down. She glanced at him, and he could tell she was fighting back tears. “Abby…” He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed her hand. “It’s okay, I promise.”
But she didn’t look convinced.
He blew out a breath as he made his way around the car. He drove in silence, the tension in the car so thick he felt he would choke on it. How had they gotten here so fast? Things had been perfect while they were gone. They’d come back to reality and…what? She’d had a change of heart?
He pressed down on the gas, wanting to get where he was going. She didn’t even flinch as he took a corner way faster than he should have. That right there said how distracted she was.
When they finally reached the top of a hill just outside of town, he parked the car at a lookout and went around to open her door. They walked in silence to a bench off to the side of the lot. The days were already starting to cool off as they got shorter. It wouldn’t be too much longer before the sun set.
They sat in silence for a few minutes. When it didn’t appear that she was going to say anything, Ethan took a deep breath and dove in.
“Abby, what’s changed?”
She looked at him, startled. “Changed?”
“Don’t try to tell me nothing is wrong. You were different yesterday. I wouldn’t have gone in to work if you hadn’t insisted. I don’t have to take every call if I’m not on duty.”
“No,” she broke in forcefully. “I don’t ever want to be the girl that keeps you from doing your job. Or from doing anything else. I won’t do that.”
“Okay. But I want you to know this, Abby.” He touched her cheek. “Look at me. I’m willing to give it up. For you.”
She looked furious. Not what he was expecting. “Why? Why would you do that?”
“Because I love you.” The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to even realize what he was saying. But he wouldn’t take them back. He meant them.
Her fingers flew to her mouth, and she started crying. “Don’t say that. Please don’t say that.”
He was shocked. That was the last thing he expected. Unless he’d read everything wrong, she felt just as strongly for him. “What? Why not? Abby, what’s going on with you?”
She took a couple steadying breaths. “You can’t love me.”
“Well, too bad. Because I already do.”
“Just listen,” she said. He sat back, waiting. Was she finally going to tell him what was going on?
“Ethan. You can’t love me because this is never going to work.” She held a hand up when he opened his mouth to disagree with her. “Just let me finish. I’m not ready for this. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for this. I thought I was. I thought I was moving on, taking control of my life again. I thought I was ready to move forward with you, see what we could have.”
He didn’t care if she needed to finish. He couldn’t stay quiet. “We still can! I don’t understand what you’re saying. Abby, I’ll do whatever you need. I know it’s hard for you. I know you’re scared. Hell, I’m just as scared as you are. But it’s worth it. We’re worth it. You are worth whatever it takes from me.”
She just shook her head, tears rolling silently down her cheeks. He wanted to take her in his arms but he had a feeling she would only push him away.
“I don’t want you to change who you are, Ethan. But I don’t know if I can be okay with that person.”
Wow. That one stung.
She reached out and touched his face. “I don’t mean that how it came out. I mean that I don’t know if I can accept the life that you live. Who you are is perfect. I wouldn’t change a thing about you, ever. But don’t you see? I have these issues, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully come to terms with them.”
“Abby, I’ll quit my job. It’s not my world. I can get a job doing something else. You’re more important than a job to me.” She was. For the first time ever, he was willing to give something up for a woman.
But she shook her head. “I don’t want you to do that. I won’t let you do that. You’ll resent me forever.” He started to protest, but she cut him off again. “Besides, it’s not just your job. I thought I would be okay with everything. I really did. I thought I could handle your crazy adventurous life, but I don’t think I’m strong enough.”
He didn’t believe that for a second. “Dammit, Abby, you’re the strongest woman I know. Don’t let yourself believe anything less.”
“Ethan, please just listen to what I’m saying. If it were anyone else, I could probably do it. You’ve helped me see that I can deal with way more than I thought. But not this. Not you. Don’t you see? I love you too. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life, insane as that may sound. But it’s true. And that’s why I can’t do it. If I were to lose you, I couldn’t handle it. It would kill me.”
He sat back, dumbfounded. She loved him. More than anyone, ever? The knowledge should have made him the happiest man on earth. Instead, it was a knife through the heart because he was on the precipice of having it all, and she was walking away. He saw in her eyes that she was determined. There was no changing her mind. She’d probably even decided long before yesterday.
“Then I don’t have much of a choice, do I?” he said, the pain in his chest more intense than anything he’d ever felt in his life.
She began crying again, and he put his arms around her and held her tightly against his chest as if his life depended on it, knowing this could very well be the last time he would ever hold her close.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
It was exactly what she’d planned to say, to do. But her heart didn’t seem to get the message. Instead, it defied all her logical reasoning as it constricted in her chest. She thought she’d known what a broken heart was before, but never had she experienced the heartache that she felt now.
Clinging to Ethan’s chest, she cried until she had no tears left, and still he held her, stroking her back, running his hands through her hair. She finally lifted her head and looked at him, only to see that he didn’t look much better than she did.
“I’ll take you home,” he said quietly, his face resigned.
She nodded as he stood up, then grasped his hand as he started to turn away. He glanced back down at her. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. And I meant it when I said I lo—”
“Don’t,” he said tersely. “Please.” This time a little softer. “I can’t keep hearing you say that if there’s nothing I can do about it.” He gently extricated his hand from hers and started toward the car. “Come on.”
Everything in her wanted to scream at his retreating back that she didn’t mean it. But she had to mean it. She had to protect herself. This pain felt like it was going to be the end of her, but she knew it would be much worse later on if she didn’t put a stop to things now. Sighing in defeat, she got up and followed him to the car, where he waited by her open door.
The drive back to the apartments was silent torture. When they finally got there and climbed from his car, he looked at her as if he didn’t know what to say. In that moment she knew she couldn’t stay there that night. Knowing he was just downstairs would make it too tempting for her to take everything back and beg him to forgive her for hurting him.
She dug in her purse for her keys and rushed to her car. She had to get away from him before she threw herself back in his arms. Right before she closed the door, she looked at him one more time. He met her eyes, the blue-green of his reminding her of the sea that would always make her think of him.
“Goodbye, Ethan.”
“Bye, Abby.”
She pulled out of the parking lot in a rush before he could see the fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t know where she was going, just that she couldn’t be there.
She drove mindlessly around town until the tissue box she kept in her glove compartment was empty
and there were wadded up tissues all over her floor. She couldn’t do this all night. But where did she have to go? She didn’t want to unload this on Jesse and Lissa right now. They were probably enjoying a night at home together.
The next thing she knew she was sitting in front of Charles and Denise’s old Victorian house. It was only logical. They were the only parents she had left, and where else had she always run with a broken heart but to her mother? She walked up the steps to the front door and rang the bell.
When Denise opened the door and saw her standing there, she couldn’t even begin to imagine how she must look. Denise’s hands flew to her mouth and she pushed open the screen door.
“Honey, what on earth happened? Are you okay?” She gathered Abby into her arms and patted her back.
“Denise? Who’s there?” It was her father’s voice coming from down the hall.
“It’s Abby, Charles.” Denise ushered her into the living room and settled her down on the sofa. “Well, you look like you aren’t hurt. Physically, anyway. Let me put on some tea and bring you a blanket. You’re shivering.” She disappeared through the doorway leading to the kitchen.
Abby looked down and saw that she was shaking. How had Ethan ever thought she was strong? She’d been reduced to a sniveling mess. She knew she was a pretty sad sight, but when her father walked into the room and took one look at her, raising his eyebrows in shock, she knew it was bad.
“Abigail? What’s wrong?” She hated that he called her that, but then again, they weren’t on familiar enough terms for her to even call him Dad.
Before she could stop herself, she’d poured out the whole sordid story. When she was done, she saw Denise standing at the back of the room, nodding at Charles—who was watching her with a semi-horrified expression—to go sit by her. She couldn’t believe she had just told him all the details of her love life. They had no relationship to speak of, he’d shown no interest in really getting to know her since she’d arrived in town, yet here she was airing every last bit of her dirty laundry.
She wanted to bury her face in her hands.
So she couldn’t have been more surprised when he actually sat down beside her and patted her back. Granted, it was a bit awkward, but for the first time ever it looked like he was making an effort. Denise came over and set the tea cups and a plate of chocolate chip cookies on the table.
“I have milk, too, if you’d prefer that with your cookies. That’s what Jesse likes.”
She sniffled. “This is fine. Thank you.”
Denise handed her a box of tissues then sat down on the chair opposite from Charles and Abby, glancing pointedly at her husband.
He cleared his throat. “Abigail. Abby. I don’t know how to say this. I’m not good at talking about this kind of thing. But I need to apologize to you. I’ve failed you. Badly.”
She looked at him, her mouth falling open. “What do you mean?”
He took a deep breath, then reached for a cookie, taking a bite in what appeared to be an effort to buy time. When he finished, he took a sip of tea. By the time he finally spoke, Abby thought she was going to burst from curiosity.
“I wasn’t there for you growing up. You didn’t have a father figure and you never learned how to trust a man with your heart.” He was so matter-of-fact about it that Abby didn’t know what to say at first.
Finally she replied, “I wouldn’t say that, Charles. I was married before. I’d say that takes a bit of trust in a man.”
They didn’t seem surprised at all by her statement, and Denise said, “Jesse told us.” She should have known Lissa wouldn’t keep it to herself. But she couldn’t exactly blame her for telling her husband. But Jesse—they had developed somewhat of a bond and she didn’t know how she felt about the fact that he’d told his parents.
“Please don’t be mad at him,” she said. “We were really concerned about you at dinner the other night. And after what we talked about a couple weeks ago, I was even more worried. It put it all in perspective for me once he told me what happened.”
Abby turned back to her father. “I don’t see how you can take any of the blame for this then, if you know my history.”
“I know I’m not the world’s best father. By any means. But I’m getting older and looking back at a lot of my mistakes with Jesse and I see how I could have been a better father. I also know that a girl needs a father. You never had that in me.”
She still wasn’t following. “But that doesn’t have anything to do with Ethan.”
He nodded. “I think it does more than you realize. You think you can’t trust him because of what happened with your first husband, correct?”
“I don’t know if trust is the right word…”
“I think it is. You think you’re going to end up hurt, one way or another. That’s trust. Not having me around growing up was the first time you learned that you can’t rely on a man. And I’m sorry for that.”
“You didn’t know…did you?”
He shook his head. “No, I didn’t. But I was irresponsible with your mother, and I have to take responsibility for that know.”
Abby was floored. She had never expected to hear these things from her father. It was odd timing, but she felt like this was a crack in the door and he was inviting her in for the first time. “Thank you for that,” she said quietly.
“Just promise me that you won’t throw away a good thing when you have it because of things that have happened in your past.” Then he stood up and left the room.
Abby looked at Denise, speechless.
“He wants to be a part of your life now, honey. He just doesn’t know where to start.”
“Well I guess that was as good a place as any? Who knew when I came here tonight that it would be a new start with my father?” She shook her head. “Still, I don’t think he’s to blame for my shortcomings with Ethan.”
“Your shortcomings, dear?”
“Well, yeah. I mean I can’t blame him for any of it. He is who he is. And I fell hard for that man. I wouldn’t want him to change. I love him exactly how he is.”
“Then what needs to change?”
Abby wrinkled her brow. “I’m not sure I understand.”
But Denise only gave her a look that said, ‘Don’t you?’ and lifted her teacup to her mouth.
Abby chewed mindlessly on a cookie while she tried to figure out what Denise was getting at. What needed to change if not Ethan? Because she meant what she said. She didn’t want to change a thing about him. That only left her. She had to change herself.
But how?
She had been so entrenched in her way of thinking for so long now that she didn’t know how to move past it. Something Ethan said to her earlier tugged at her mind. What were the words he’d used?
You’re the strongest woman I know. Don’t let yourself believe anything less.
Don’t let yourself. Let. That’s the word he’d chosen, and she didn’t think that was a mistake. She was allowing her fear to control her life. She thought she was the one in control, but she wasn’t. She hadn’t been for a long time.
Sure, she’d made huge leaps in the past few weeks, ever since Ethan had opened her up to the side of herself she thought was long gone. The side of herself that she wanted to believe was her true self. But was she being true to herself if she was letting fear rule over her?
Denise interrupted her train of thought. “Do you remember what I told you a few weeks ago?” When Abby didn’t answer right away, knowing Denise had said a lot of wise things, she continued. “That living a life full of fear isn’t really living at all. I stand by that. Just think about it, Abby. You love this man?”
Abby nodded.
“And he loves you?”
She nodded again. At least she hoped he still did.
“And you’re going to throw it all away because you’re afraid of something that might happen? Well, what if it doesn’t? Talk about regrets.”
Denise was right. Abby knew she was. But was she brave enoug
h to make the change she needed to make? Was she truly prepared to cast her fears aside once and for all? She thought she had, but she’d only been fooling herself before. Her biggest fear had been with her all along.
Being alone. Not having anyone. Losing the people who mattered most to her.
Well, she’d been there. She’d been there after Derek died. She’d been there after her mother died. She was there now! Her heart was breaking and she was alone. This time by her own doing.
“Denise, I’ve been a fool,” she whispered.
“No, dear, you’ve just been blinded by your past. But I think it’s time to let it go.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Ethan spent the next week and a half in a state of depression greater than he’d ever known in his life. His friends at work had even stopped asking him what was wrong once they knew he wasn’t going to stop moping around. He’d been like this once before, though not so bad, but this time he didn’t know how he was going to drag himself up out of it.
He’d tried his hardest not to run into Abby outside the apartment building. He just wasn’t ready to see her yet. The pain of losing her was still too fresh, too raw. Part of him wanted to beg her to reconsider, but he knew it was useless. If she was going to change her mind she would have to come to the realization on her own.
By Sunday night, he had run out of food in the apartment and needed something for dinner. He figured he’d just drive through somewhere and pick something up, though the idea of fast food didn’t sit well. Not caring enough to do anything about it, he grabbed his keys and pulled open the door, only to stop in his tracks.
Abby was standing at his door, one hand poised to knock on the door he’d just opened, the other struggling to keep a stack of containers from tumbling over. He rushed to take the containers from her, then stepped back into his apartment.
“Abby.” He was shocked to see her standing there, a nervous look on her face.
“I brought you some food from dinner at my parents’ house.” She nodded toward the containers he was now holding, which he then noticed were piping hot and smelled delicious.
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