Ruby

by Heather Burnside

  But her change of mood was also partly due to the enthusiastic greeting she received from her live-in lover, Tiffany. Ruby was still living in the same flat she had moved into when she first left home at sixteen. Since her first flatmate had left, Ruby had been through a few others including Crystal, who had lived with her for a while until she had become pregnant with Gilly’s daughter and decided she needed a place of her own. Then Ruby had met Tiffany and it just felt right. So, when her latest flatmate left, she stopped looking for flatmates and moved her lover in instead.

  As soon as Ruby walked into her living room Tiffany was up out of her seat and ready to embrace her. Ruby looked affectionately at her girlfriend, then across at the TV on which Tiffany had been indulging in the latest trashy series, and she smiled.

  Tiffany was tall, blonde and willowy and, although her relationship with Tiffany wasn’t the first one Ruby had had with a woman, it was the most intense. Tiffany wasn’t the best looking girl around, but she had a certain attraction that drew people in. Her prominent cheekbones and sultry eyes more than compensated for her slightly misshapen nose and thin lips, and she had a friendly, chatty way about her that made her popular.

  But what Ruby really loved about Tiffany was her unconditional love and support. They had been together almost a year now and had met in a trendy bar in the gay village. The attraction was instant. As soon as Ruby saw those sultry eyes, she was drawn in by them and it wasn’t long till Tiffany came over for a chat. Ruby loved her confidence and the easy, relaxed way she acted. The chemistry between them was so powerful that Ruby hadn’t been able to resist her attentions and she was soon falling into bed with her.

  In the weeks that followed, the more they chatted, the more Ruby realised what a straightforward, upfront person Tiffany was, and she liked that. She was also a good listener, and someone Ruby felt she could confide in. Since then it seemed to Ruby that their love was becoming stronger each day. Unlike most of the men Ruby had encountered in her life, like landlords and pimps, Tiffany didn’t have any ulterior motive. She just wanted to love and be loved, and she had always treated Ruby with respect and devotion.

  Like Ruby, Tiffany was on the game but she had never worked for Gilly. Instead she had worked alone at Ruby’s insistence ever since her former pimp had been locked up for drug dealing.

  ‘Sorry I couldn’t be with you, babe. How did it go?’ asked Tiffany as she slung her arms around Ruby and kissed her fully on the lips.

  Ruby responded to her embrace then stepped back slightly when Tiffany spoke, her hands still cradling her lover’s elbows. ‘The bastard got ten years, thank God!’

  ‘Great!’ said Tiffany. ‘I bet you’re relieved, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yeah, but he probably won’t serve all of that, unfortunately, and Crystal’s been a pain in the arse. She’s not stopped bleedin’ whinging since the verdict came in.’

  ‘Jesus! You’d think she’d have been glad to see him put away after what he did to her, wouldn’t you?’

  ‘My feelings exactly,’ said Ruby. ‘But you know what Crystal’s like. No matter how he treated her, she still kept going back for more.’

  ‘Weird, isn’t it?’

  ‘Dead right. I’ve told her not to bother visiting him, but whether she’ll take any fuckin’ notice, we’ll just have to wait and see. Anyway, how did you get on?’

  ‘OK. The clinic gave me the all clear.’

  ‘Thank Christ for that!’ said Ruby.

  They were referring to Tiffany’s urgent visit to the sexual health clinic to get checked out after a condom had burst during sex with a client. They had both been worried about the outcome ever since the incident so it was a big relief to Ruby on hearing that Tiffany had been given the all clear.

  Tiffany grinned salaciously at her. ‘Looks like we’ve got some celebrating to do then,’ she said, leaning in to Ruby for another kiss.

  After such a stressful day Ruby was more interested in having a sit down and a cup of tea, but as Tiffany began kissing her passionately, then moving her hand around to cup Ruby’s breast, she found herself responding. For precious seconds they carried on kissing, their hands caressing each other’s bodies.

  Ruby relaxed and lost herself to the power of Tiffany’s touch, her nerve-endings coming alive with the thrill of it. Then she felt Tiffany’s hand slip down her jeans, her fingers searching. Ruby let out a groan as Tiffany slipped her fingers inside her, moving them to and fro until she found her G spot.

  ‘Jesus!’ Ruby sighed, thrusting her hips in rhythm with Tiffany’s finger action.

  Tiffany removed her fingers and grinned again at Ruby. ‘Bedroom?’ she asked.

  Ruby may have been the dominant one in the relationship but when it came to lovemaking Tiffany knew exactly how to play her. Without speaking, Ruby followed her through to the bedroom, debilitated by the strength of her desire.

  Afterwards, they both lay in bed, feeling the warm afterglow of their lovemaking, Ruby’s designer clothing scattered on the floor and her precious jewellery carefully placed on her dressing table. Ruby felt that she had never been happier. She had the most wonderful girlfriend in the world as well as her own stylish pad. She also earnt plenty so she was able to treat herself to whatever she desired; designer clothing, jewellery and a high-performance car.

  The only negative about her life was what she had to do to earn her money. But for Ruby that was a small price to pay when she considered the gains, and she was well able to protect herself from any problem clients.

  Ruby finally had the lifestyle she had craved from being a young child when she had seen her cousins with their designer gear and flash jewellery. When she reflected back on her life, she remembered how much she’d had to go through to get this far. It hadn’t always been easy but she hoped all her troubles were behind her and that nothing would destroy the happiness she’d found.

  7

  October 1991

  Trina was hanging out with a group of local girls; Jessica and some others. Jessica had a packet of sweets that she was sharing with her friends. Once she had passed them around the group, she took one for herself without offering any to Trina.

  ‘How come you’re not giving me one?’ asked Trina, with defiance in her voice.

  ‘Well, you haven’t brought any sweets to share with us for ages and my mam says I should only share with people who share with me. It’s only fair,’ she said.

  Trina saw the sly look on Jessica’s face and became annoyed at her peevish attitude. But her rage was superseded by the other emotions that engulfed her; shame and inadequacy, knowing it was rare that anyone bought sweets for her and her brothers since their father had left. She felt sure Jessica knew that too, and was deliberately trying to humiliate her. Trina also felt resentment at her father because he didn’t provide for her and her brothers like other fathers did.

  She was tempted to lash out at Jessica. A swift slap would soon wipe that smug look off her face. But Trina’s shame was overpowering, and hitting Jessica would only emphasise it. So, instead, she used words to deal with Jessica.

  ‘I don’t like them anyway. I’ve got some better sweets at home; they’re chocolate. I’m going back to eat them, but I won’t be sharing them with any of you.’

  Then she stomped angrily back home.

  *

  It was Saturday and Trina and her brothers were on the way back home from their grandparents’ house. It was unusual for Daisy not to go with them and Trina had felt a little put out at first. But then her mother had told her she was too busy and insisted that, at almost ten years of age, she was old enough to visit without her.

  Trina was clutching a plastic carrier bag containing an assortment of food items that her grandmother had sent home with her. It had become a habit of her grandmother’s ever since Trina’s father had left. As they made their way down their street, Trina was looking forward to the smile on her mother’s face when she handed over the bag and Daisy eagerly looked inside.

  Tr
ina and her brothers bustled excitedly through the front door but Trina’s mood soon changed when she saw the lopsided features of Mr Dodds staring back at her from the bottom of the stairs. He winked saucily at her while straightening his tie, making Trina feel uncomfortable. She looked further up the stairs to find her mother on her way down, self-consciously flattening her skirt and tidying her hair.

  Something about the scene didn’t seem right to Trina and, for a moment, she forgot about her eagerness to show her mother the bag of goodies. But the boys were oblivious. They dashed down the hall, hugging their mother and all talking at once.

  Daisy hugged them and smiled stiffly then addressed Mr Dodds. ‘I’ll see you again next month for the rent.’

  He leered at her, which made his face look even more lopsided, and said, ‘Yes, we can keep to the same arrangement if you like.’

  Trina could sense his change of attitude towards her mother. He was usually nasty but this time, although he wasn’t exactly nasty, there was something not quite right about the way he was acting. Trina also noticed the way her mother tensed and flashed a warning look from him to the children as if forbidding him to say anything further. Then Daisy brushed her children aside and rushed to the front door, holding it wide open for Mr Dodds to pass through.

  ‘Goodbye, Mr Dodds,’ she said, her tone full of mock formality.

  His grin remained fixed as he walked through the door, his face passing within inches of Daisy’s, and Trina saw her mother flinch as he drew up close. She was glad when her mother had shut the door and Mr Dodds was on the outside.

  ‘He’s creepy,’ she said to her mother.

  Daisy had a look of consternation on her face as she bit back. ‘Yes, well, he might be creepy, child, but he puts a roof over our heads so it’s something we have to put up with.’

  Trina picked up on her mother’s hostile tone and didn’t say anything further. Instead she walked over to Daisy and handed her the bag. ‘Look what Grandma sent,’ she said, hoping to please her mother.

  Daisy grabbed the bag and peered inside it, drawing her breath when she spotted the large slab of cake, and pulled it out. ‘Oh, she didn’t need to do that,’ she said, her eyes moistening. ‘I hope you said thank you.’

  ‘Yeah, course I did,’ said Trina.

  She watched her mother riffle through the other items in the bag and could almost picture her mind mulling over what she would cook them for their evening meal. ‘OK, you can go out to play now while I put these away and do some cleaning,’ she said, her head still lowered over the bag.

  The boys raced back up the hallway and Trina was about to follow them when her mother stopped her. ‘Not you, Trina. We need to have a talk,’ she said.

  Trina’s face fell. Seeing the look on her mother’s face, she wasn’t looking forward to this talk, whatever it might be, but she obeyed and followed her through to the kitchen once the boys had gone out to play.

  Inside the kitchen, Daisy unloaded the bag of goodies while Trina stood awkwardly, awaiting instruction. Her mother put some veg into the bowl and gave them a wash, then she passed Trina a knife and a chopping board and asked her to prepare them. Trina did as she was told, aware that this must be a serious talk if her mother was prevaricating so much.

  Daisy then stepped towards the fridge and busied herself with sorting out some ingredients from around the kitchen. As she worked, she began speaking to her daughter, all the time occupying herself with food preparation and failing to make eye contact. Once she finally started speaking, it was a while before she stopped.

  ‘You’re growing up child and it’s about time you knew about the world. It pains me to say it, but men can’t always be trusted. They’ll want to do things to you, but you mustn’t let them. Do you understand what I’m saying, child?’

  She gazed up from her food preparation for just a moment until Trina nodded her head. Then she returned to what she was doing and carried on speaking.

  ‘Never let anyone touch you where they shouldn’t. You don’t want to end up pregnant like I did. I was only a young girl, a teenager. I wish I’d listened to my mother, but I didn’t and now look at the mess I’m in. I shouldn’t have let your father win me over, but I was young and foolish and I don’t want you to make the same mistakes.’

  She paused and then took a deep breath as though she was having difficulty holding herself together. Then she continued, her tone now becoming angry and embittered.

  ‘You can’t trust a one of them. Not a single one! They’re all after the same thing and once they get it, well… And that’s not to mention the diseases they can give you. Terrible, terrible.’

  She tutted, then added, ‘Do you understand what I’m saying, Trina?’

  Trina nodded again. It was obvious that her mother was upset and she didn’t really want to add to her suffering. But Trina was confused. Daisy had misrepresented her words as a lesson in the facts of life even though they were delivered as a diatribe. And at the end of her mother’s speech, Trina wasn’t really any the wiser. The only lesson she had learnt was that men were not to be trusted.

  After that day Daisy intensified her bad-mouthing of Isaac and all other men, her voice often sad and resentful. This cemented the idea in Trina’s mind that all men were bad.

  Witnessing the family’s reduced circumstances, the attitude of Mr Dodds and the change in her mother, on top of the awful memories of her father, Trina thought that Daisy’s words rang true. Her reaction was to build a barrier around herself. Each time her mother called her father it added another layer of reinforcement to that barrier, like hammering in poisoned nails, which strengthened Trina’s lifelong resolve to never trust a man.

  8

  December 1991

  Trina’s tenth birthday would always stay in her memory, but for all the wrong reasons. Her mother couldn’t afford a party so Trina’s grandmother had kindly offered to host one instead.

  ‘You should be grateful, child,’ said Daisy when she saw Trina’s reaction to the news. ‘If it wasn’t for your grandparents you wouldn’t be having a party at all.’

  ‘Can I take some friends with me?’ she asked, thinking about how impressed the local girls would be.

  ‘No, I can’t just turn up with a lot of strange children; it wouldn’t be fair to your grandparents.’

  ‘Aw, Mam. It won’t be the same without my friends.’

  ‘Stop your moaning, Trina. You’ll have your brothers and your cousins.’

  ‘But that’s not the same, Mam.’

  ‘Enough, child,’ said Daisy. ‘Or I’ll ring your grandmother and tell her not to bother at all.’

  She had that familiar harsh expression on her face, which told Trina it was the end of the conversation, and she didn’t dare push things further.

  On the day of the party Trina arrived with her mother and brothers to birthday greetings from her grandparents. Inside the kitchen-diner they had pulled out the dated dining table from its usual place tucked away in the corner and extended it to its full size. Trina noticed there were already several dishes laid out on the table, which was covered in a flowery plastic table cloth. Daisy walked over and added a plate full of sandwiches she had brought with her. ‘Oh, you didn’t need to,’ said Trina’s grandmother. ‘I told you we’d take care of everything.’

  ‘It’s the least I could do, when you’ve done all this for my Trina,’ said Daisy.

  She looked across at her daughter, and Trina knew what was expected of her. ‘Thanks, Grandma, thanks, Grandad,’ she said, walking over to them and hugging each of them in turn.

  ‘It’s no problem, child,’ said her grandmother. ‘Come on through and you can open your presents before the others get here.’

  Trina and the rest of her family followed her grandparents through to the lounge where her grandmother passed her two presents, adding, ‘Happy tenth birthday, Trina.’

  ‘Aw thanks, Grandma,’ said Trina, smiling.

  She rushed to open the two presents, starti
ng with the smaller one first. It was a bag of toffees. She thanked her grandparents and put the sweets to one side then opened the larger present. She grew excited as she felt material beneath her hands, hoping it was a new outfit she could show off to her friends. But then she saw the lurid pink material beneath the wrapping paper.

  She slowly pulled it out and held up the garment to examine. It was a dress, an old-fashioned dress in bright pink, made of a horrible material and full of frills in a lighter shade of pink. It was revolting but she had to pretend she liked it.

  After a few minutes there was a knock at the front door and her brothers rushed to answer it, growing excited when their Aunty Tamara and Uncle Josh arrived. Trina was pleased to see them until she saw her mean older cousins, Josh and Calvin, hovering in the background. Aged thirteen and fourteen, Trina would have thought the boys too old to go to her party and had secretly hoped they wouldn’t be there.

  Although Aunty Tamara was loud and lively, she was a good soul and she walked straight over to Trina, holding her tight and planting kisses on top of her head.

  ‘My you’ve grown, child,’ she announced. ‘Just look at you.’ She released Trina from her tight grip then held her at arms’ length while she looked her up and down. ‘You’re so tall, child, and a good looker too. You’ll break a few hearts, my girl.’

  ‘Not if I’ve got anything to do with it,’ muttered Daisy. ‘She’ll stay well away from men if she knows what’s good for her.’

  ‘Oh, leave her be. A girl’s got to use what nature gave her,’ said Aunty Tamara who then laughed raucously.

  While this discourse was taking place, Aunty Tamara still held Trina at arm’s length. Trina could feel herself blush and she saw her two older cousins snigger at her discomfort. Meanwhile, her younger brothers were tearing around her grandparents’ living room, playing a game of tag.