by Barbara Lohr
Now he wondered if McKenna had told Selena. Had she explained why he needed lists? Funny, that hadn’t occurred to him before. Was his sister sharing personal stuff that would embarrass him?
For a second, something that felt like the flu consumed him. He slumped onto one of the stools at the kitchen counter. Maybe he was coming down with something. “Forget it, Kirkpatrick,” he told himself. The brush of Shadow’s tail made him jump. Grabbing the cat, he ruffled her fur. “You women are all alike. Trouble. Even the ones we love. And maybe that’s why we love you.”
The thought stopped him cold.
His hands tightened on the cat. With an angry snarl, she jumped down.
He loved Selena. Loved her. That realization came back to mock him, only this time it felt bigger. Huge. The future unwound in his head like a bumpy road he had to smooth out. How would he tell her? What would he say?
Seth grabbed a pen and paper.
Chapter 13
Four days later, Selena sat with McKenna in the women’s center at Montclair Specialty Hospital, anxiety skittering through her stomach. Selena loved Reenie, just like she loved Reenie’s son. Even if there were a problem, it had been caught in an early stage. McKenna had reassured her that Maureen had been like clockwork about her mammograms.
While she was worried about Maureen, she was also concerned about Seth. Although the men in the Kirkpatrick family looked strong as oak trees, they had their weaknesses. Their mother topped the list, especially for Seth.
Selena's clinic appointments didn’t start for an hour. She wanted to be here with McKenna but fidgeted in the vinyl seat. The waiting room smelled like coffee but if Selena had one more cup, she’d jump out of her skin. Across from her, McKenna paged through a magazine. Big Mike was with his wife during the minimally invasive breast biopsy “How’s your dad taking this?”
“Not well.” Tossing the magazine aside, McKenna must have seen the question in Selena’s eyes. “Seth isn’t taking it too good either. Oh sure, he seems to be. Keeps getting his house ready for Easter. Last I knew he was up on the roof hammering shingles.”
“In this weather? Isn’t it icy up there?”
“You tell him that. Oh I forgot. You’re not speaking to him.” McKenna gave Selena a tired smile.
Selena’s throat thickened. Why was she even here? She’d broken up with the guy. But the truth was, Seth’s mom felt like her own mamacita and McKenna, another sister. When you break up with a man, you break up with his family too. The big hurt, two times over. Sitting here today, Selena felt shredded inside.
Overhead, the operator paged McKenna, who checked her phone and made a call. Selena slid down in her vinyl seat. The hands of the big clock on the wall seemed stalled. Hadn’t it been seven fifteen an hour ago? Picking up the magazine McKenna had just discarded, Selena couldn’t read a word. Her delivery the night before had lasted almost all night. Her head felt like a pumpkin and her eyes weren’t focusing.
Or was it her heart making it hard to concentrate?
Seth’s texts had fallen off and she missed them. If one more nurse asked her how it was going with Gary, she’d scream. Sure, Gary seemed perfectly happy with the arrangement. Women weren’t pestering him anymore. But Selena? The time she spent with Gary felt empty. She missed the excitement of getting dressed for a date, the anticipation before she opened the door. Maybe she just missed Seth. Last time they grabbed a bite, all Gary did was talk about Mindy.
The door to the waiting room swung open. Selena’s heart just about stopped. Was this haggard man with wild gray hair Big Mike? Looking up, he saw them. The broad shoulders swung back and he smoothed one hand over his thinning strands.
Too late. Selena had already seen the stress.
McKenna ended her call and turned to her dad. “How’s Mom doing?”
“Everything’s fine.” Rubbing his hands together, Big Mike looked like he was gathering his thoughts. He rarely spoke off the cuff, just like his son. “Your mom’s great. Procedure went well. We should have some results, ah, this afternoon.” His bravado slipped. “I hope.”
“More likely tomorrow, Dad. We have to be patient.” McKenna gave her dad a Kirkpatrick hug, which was no small thing, arms tight and cheeks pressed together. “Even if the lab results come back positive, we got it early. Mom’s a strong lady.”
Selena didn’t belong here. She felt like the puzzle piece that would never fit. This was definitely a time for family and she was intruding, mooning over the only man who could have made this feel right. McKenna and her father had their heads together. She was rubbing his back, the way her mother did.
“See you all later.” Turning, Selena stumbled toward the elevator, her white clogs squeaking on the tile floor. She punched the button for the third floor. Once the stainless steel doors whooshed closed, she dashed a finger under each eye. Time to snap out of it.
But her longing for Seth wouldn’t allow it. If her work didn’t keep her up at night, her own restlessness did. Weeks ago, she’d tucked her favorite picture of the two of them far back in her lingerie drawer. Last night, she’d brought it out when she got home. Arms around each other’s waists, they looked so happy. Propping the photo against a mug on the kitchen table, she raided her freezer and downed at least a half a pint of cherry chip ice cream.
She should throw that photo out.
Instead, she put it back on her dresser.
Once the elevator door opened, Selena sprinted across the overpass that spanned the street between the hospital and the medical office building. The For Women office was bustling when she came through the door. “Here you go, Selena.” Dorothy handed her a sheaf of pink phone messages. Head down, Selena trudged back to her office and began to return calls.
When McKenna finally came back from the hospital, there was no need to ask. “My dad’s hoping for test results today but they probably won’t be back until tomorrow, at the earliest.”
Selena wanted to call Seth. He must be loco right about now. But she didn’t.
Intruder. The word echoed in Selena’s mind until she blocked it by repeating the words from one of Adele’s songs.
Easy to straighten out her thoughts, but she couldn’t help her heart. That was with Seth Kirkpatrick. Was he hurting now, too?
When Gary asked her if she wanted to stop for something to eat after work, she said no, way too preoccupied to be cheery. That night she hardly slept. After lunch the next day, McKenna appeared in her doorway. Selena knew from the look on her face, the news wasn’t good.
Her friend slumped into the chair across from Selena’s desk.
“So it was positive?”
McKenna nodded. Strange to see her friend so dazed. “McKenna,” she ventured, “Maureen isn’t my mom, but you know this is treatable and very early, from what you’ve said.”
Her friend gave her head a shake, like she was trying to clear it. “In my head, I know all that. But this stuff happens to other people. When it happens to you, it feels weird.”
“Surgery?”
“Right, in a couple of days. Dad asked me to spread the word. He does not want to do it, so I have to call my brothers and Harper. Keep them all from freaking out.”
What about Seth? Selena chewed on the corner of her lip.
“Mom wants it all behind her.” McKenna broke into Selena’s spinning thoughts. “Wants to be ready for Easter, even though Seth is having it.”
“So you said. Is this why?” The hole inside her grew wider.
McKenna nodded. “We figured it would be better.”
How would Seth ever take care of all the details? No big deal to stick a ham in the oven, and the women would help bring the side dishes. But Easter entailed more than food. Reenie always had blow-up bunnies for the kids, an egg hunt outside, decorations galore. How would Seth handle the little touches that made the day special? Picturing him making one of his lists, Selena shuffled papers on her desk. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”
“But you still worry about him
? Maybe because you should be with him?”
“No, no. I’m fine. I wanted this.”
“And I encouraged you.” McKenna blew out a sigh. “Oh, honey. If this is not what you want, raise your hand. I feel terrible. I’m sure Seth wouldn’t mind if you came. Your own folks are in Kalamazoo. Usually you don’t go home for Easter.”
Time to draw a line. “I wouldn’t even think of going to Seth’s. Right now, I have a patient waiting.” She made a show of checking her phone and McKenna left.
The next few days were rough. Maureen’s surgery went fine. She chose a lumpectomy and needed no further treatment right now. Like the trooper that she was, Seth’s mother put it all behind her. When Selena stopped in Reenie’s room to say hello the day of the surgery, the room was packed with family. Connor was there, along with Malcolm and yes, Seth. They joked with her and for a second it felt just like old times.
But it wasn’t.
Every time she looked up, Seth’s dark eyes burned holes in her.
Was he angry with her? Or was he hurting?
Sure, she’d chosen this separation because she got tired of waiting. Now she was having second thoughts. Three days later, Gary poked his head into her office to ask if she wanted to stop for a drink after work. She pleaded off.
“What’s this? You dumping me already?” he teased, lounging in her doorway with that sexy way he had.
“Not at all. I just have things to do.”
Think I’ll go home and stare at the picture of my old boyfriend.
If the man she loved was hurting, then she was hurting. And oh yes, it remained clear that she loved Seth. Loved his silly jokes, when he finally remembered the punch line, loved his sly, sexy looks, loved the way he cared about his family. This charade with Gary had gotten old.
“Listen, Gary...”
“So, you are dumping me.”
The expression on his face made her chuckle. “Yes, and I don’t think you care.”
Shaking his head, Gary smiled. “Look, it was kind of a lame idea. You deserve better.”
“You’re a great guy. But I have to be true to myself.”
“I understand.” One eyebrow arched. “Besides Selena, if we kept at this, it would lead to something. You know that, right?”
She should have been flattered. “Maybe. But not with me.”
“I admire your conviction. Any man would.” Pursing his lips, her maybe-boyfriend pushed away from the doorframe. “Bye, girlfriend.” With a wave, he was gone.
A wave of relief washed over her. She liked to keep her head straight and lately? Kind of muddled. Time to put on her big girl pants.
That night, Selena zipped to the locker room to shower and change clothes. Dressed in her tight jeans and a turtleneck, she spritzed herself with Seth’s favorite perfume. After donning her silver jacket, she looped Seth’s favorite green scarf around her neck and drove out to Oak Park. The heat blasting in her car couldn’t stop her shivering inside.
Sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
But it’s never easy.
The trip up the Dan Ryan and over the Eisenhower gave her time to think. Not always a good thing. When she got to Seth’s tidy brick house, she pulled up in front and sat there for a second. His lights were on and the jeep sat in the driveway. Her breath came in short gasps. When she cracked open her window, the March breeze held just a hint of spring. The weather had turned warmer and dry leaves rustled in the tall trees overhead. Suddenly too warm, she tugged off the bright green scarf.
But when indecision chipped away at her, she got out.
No way was she backing away. Her heart wouldn’t allow it and she marched toward the door. Night still fell early and the street lamps had just come on. Coach lights glowed at either side of his door. Reenie always said the outside lights should be on at night so that everyone knew they were welcome.
When she reached Seth’s front door, she sucked in some deep breaths. How often had she arrived breathless to see him? This time she didn't even kid herself that she was here as a friend. She was gunning for him, plain and simple. Selena’s new Savannah boots stayed rooted to Seth’s welcome mat. Beyond this door, he was hurting. She just knew it and that was the only thing pulling her forward. That and the enormous love she still had for him.
Glancing down, she spied the yellow and purple crocus peeking through the crusty brown of a flowerbed. Un milagro de primavera. She’d planted these with Seth last fall, so maybe not a spring miracle. Bought the bulbs on a whim. Now they smiled up at her like a good omen. A sign of spring and change.
Raising one hand, she hammered that bell. The deep chime rang clear through to her backbone. This might be a bad idea but it was full speed ahead.
When the door opened, Seth stood there, unbearably cute in a rumpled T-shirt and low slung jeans. Her eyes drank him in like a warm cup of coffee. But his glance turned wary and that hurt. She swayed.
He reached out to steady her. “Hey, ba-, ah, Selena.”
He’d nearly said “Babe.” A good sign.
Her body curved toward him. Selena wanted to tug that word from his lips like a magic silk scarf. Every cell in her body clamored for his words, the words he wouldn’t say.
She moved ahead with her plan. “Just thought I’d stop by. Was in the neighborhood.”
“Come on inside. It’s freezing out there.” Grabbing her hand, Seth pulled her into the warm hallway. She closed her fingers tight around his but once inside, he disengaged. Fine. Maybe her desertion after the airport was still too fresh.
A fire crackled in the living room fireplace and the smell of chili filled the air. She could taste the cayenne pepper on her tongue. He helped her off with her jacket. So hard not to shiver every time his hands brushed her shoulders.
“Had anything to eat?”
“Yep,” she lied. “Grabbed something before I left the hospital.”
But damn. The guy knew her so well. His eyes brushed her face before settling on her lips. “Mind keeping me company while I eat?”
“No. Of course not.”
By this time they were in the long hallway leading to the kitchen, a gauntlet of family pictures, including tons of weddings. One day, their picture would be there. She was determined.
The kitchen looked just the same, like she’d left it yesterday. Same rooster dish towels next to the sink, same red dinnerware set on the oval oak table with spindle chairs, same Chicago Bears magnets on his stainless steel refrigerator.
“Glass of wine?” Seth turned and his midnight eyes held her captive.
“Sounds good.”
When he popped the cork, she heard a definite “meow.”
“Ah, come on, Shadow. It’s okay.” Bending down behind the counter, he scooped up the tiny gray kitten.
“How’s Shadow adjusting?”
“She runs the house.”
Giving the cat a good scratch behind the ears, Seth said, “She’s getting along fine, aren’t you, girl?” The cat closed her eyes blissfully while Seth worked her with his gentle hands. How Selena envied that little kitten.
“Looks like she’s found a good home.”
“We get along.” Putting the cat down, he reached for the wine bottle. “Red?”
She nodded. For a big guy, Seth had sensitive hands. She loved to watch them. Longed to feel them. But tonight worry slumped his shoulders. So much still had to be decided about Reenie.
I’m getting ahead of myself.
Seth poured the wine into two glasses while Selena’s eyes drifted to the calendar hanging from his refrigerator. No way would she sneak a peek at any notes written on the weekend squares. She concentrated on his shifts. Late shift for the next two weeks. Excellent. When he handed her the goblet, she ran her fingers up the stem. Seth raised his glass. “To...”
“To spring coming soon.” She clinked her glass to his. A narrow miss. They had always toasted each other. Well, she was prepared to wait.
“Let’s sit down.” He pulle
d out a chair and she sat. “So, is this a social call?”
“Uh, no. Yeah. I guess.” I’m making a mess of this. “How are you?”
“Fine. Just great.” The lines bracketing his lips, fanning from his eyes, told her that wasn’t true.
“Your mom will come through this. You know that, right?”
He tilted his head to one side. “Kind of early but you’re right. It’s just that, well, I don't know, Selena. This is my mom.”
She had to pick her way slowly through the minefield of his emotions to discover where he was. For a couple moments, they sipped. The atmosphere felt heavy with unsaid words. She glanced out the back window to the rope swing hanging listlessly from an oak tree. His nieces and nephews loved that swing. “Spring is coming soon.
Seth took a slow sip, leaving his bottom lip moist. “Yep, Easter’s right around the corner.”
“So I hear.” She couldn’t drop her eyes from that full lip.
“I’m having the family party here. You know, because of…” His eyes veered away.
“Of course.” She’d always loved the noisy chaos of the Nascar or football parties he held in this house. Everyone brought something. Easter would be just like that. Chaotic and fun.
“What are you doing for Easter?”
“Nothing.” No time to think of a good lie.
“Why don’t you come on over? The family would love to see you.”
Her mouth opened and closed, mind spinning.
“I mean, like a friend. Just come as a friend.” His cheeks were flushing, like they were too close to the fireplace. They always liked to cuddle up there while the winter winds shrieked outside. Cozy. Exclusive. Her skinned burned, remembering. They’d done a lot more than just cuddle.
Tonight they were a million miles from that fireplace.
She'd take baby steps. “Sounds good. Sure. Thanks for the invitation.”
His frown eased into a smile and he got up to stir his chili.
She’d come to lay some groundwork. Instead, she felt her own strength melting. Seth seemed so preoccupied. Probably worried about his mother. He just kept stirring his chili. “Maybe I’ll just set another place?”
