51 Shades of Maggie, Liverpool Style
Page 6
Little did I know, more drama was to come. When I tried to get my clothes on they had shrunk with hangin over the radiator all night. My white belly top was just about coverin my baps an my denim skirt just about went on, but it wouldn’t zip up. An for the life of me, I couldn’t find my knickers anywhere. I was gonna put somethin of Mr Big’s on but he only had suits an ties an all that shit. So I left the flat an headed to the Dole with my red bra pokin out below my shrunken top, an the Muff hangin out of the gap in my denim skirt that wouldn’t zip up. I was like a big whore. After about fifty cars beepin me an women tuttin at me, I finally arrived. I tucked what pubes I could back into my skirt an sat down. Then, out came dozy Deirdre with her corduroy skirt flappin down to her ankles an her bowl haircut. An she’s horrified to see me with all my bits on show. She totally lost it and went for me with a stapler. She was tryin to staple my head when the security guard an a couple of the other staff pulled her off me. She had to get restrained in the middle of the Dole an all the scallies in the queue were cheerin.
The manager of the Dole came out to me an was apologisin to me, sayin he didn’t know what had come over her an askin me if I was going to make a claim. Then I said that I wouldn’t put a claim in if I didn’t have to go back there for any more back-to-work interviews, on account of it bein too traumatic for me goin back to the scene of the attack. An he agreed!
Then, as I was walkin out, I saw Mr Big talkin to Deirdre an holdin her hand an I was furious. I couldn’t say anything because he’s not allowed to shag anyone from work an he’d get sacked if he did. So I had to walk out an leave them an I was fit to burst.
As I let myself into the flat, I thought about Mr Big an those chinos and his smile. An I lay on my bed an remembered the snooker table sex an I was soakin. Then I thinks to myself, how can I make Mr Big fall in love with me? What do I have to do? Then it hit me. I have to let him be my master. Call him ‘sir’ when he’s wallopin me, let him do what he wants to me in his red room of pain an maybe, just maybe, take a look at that contract again. I decided to get my sexiest clothes on – an get rid of the Muff. Shave the beast off once an for all for Mr Big. So off I trotted to the bathroom, chantin, ‘No muff too tough, no muff too tough.’
No Pain, No Gain?
My Gillette razor was like a rusted door hinge, it had been so long since I’d used it. And so I ended up hacking at the muff like I was de-weedin the garden an ended up with a fanny that looked like a game of x’s and o’s – stubborn hairs stickin up in all directions. You could have laid me down an used me as a stinger to catch joyriders. But that’s what Mr Big wanted an that’s what he would get. So I picked out a leopard print boob tube that Big Billy Scriven said my tits looked great in, an a red leather miniskirt that I got in Primark. An I finished off the look with a pair a gold hoop earrings an red stilettos. When I looked in the mirror, I thought to myself, ‘I’d shag ya.’ So off I went, no knickers on, pure ride material.
When I got to his apartment and he answered the phone, his voice sounded all sad.
An I said, ‘It’s Bell, babe. An my knickers aren’t ringin cos I don’t have any on!’
An then I heard him heavy breathin down the intercom an I thought to myself, I’m in for it now. So I ran up to the flat an he nearly beat down the door down to get to me.
Then I said, ‘I missed you.’
Then he said, ‘Me too, Margaret.’
Then I went bright red. So I said to him, ‘Right, babe. Forget what happened at the Dole an I never want to hear that woman’s name mentioned again. Now, do what you want to me – I am still not signin the contract, but if I shout ‘Maggie says no’ you have to stop, right?’
Then he said okay to that, so I ran into the bedroom, jumped on the bed an hitched my skirt up to show off my butchered Mary an said, ‘Now get stuck into that, babe.’
Then he saw the banjaxed shavin job an went crazy. He whipped off his chinos an took a run at me like he was about to dive-bomb into water.
Molestin isn’t the word. I was bucked, screwed, chewed an stripped nude an I loved it! He flung me this way an that, had me hangin off the bed with the blood rushin to my head an then he flipped me over an had me from the back an I was like a rag doll. Every position in the Kama Sutra was done.
Then he said for me to go over to this big wooden bar thing so I went an he put my head an my hands through three holes so I’m hangin like I’m about to get my head chopped off or somethin. Then he put that blindfold on me again an I said to myself, Lord what’s he up to now. Then I got ready for a whip or a smack but didn’t he belt me with somethin that felt like a stick an I screamed, ‘Aaaargh! What the fuck was that?’ It was achin.
An he said, ‘Call me sir!’
Then I said, ‘What the fuck was that, sir?’
Then he told me to shut up an I thought to myself, I’m not havin this. So I was about to tell him not to talk to me like that when he walloped the breath out of me with the stick thing and I went, ‘Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ an he started comin down on my arse with the stick over an over an I could hardly breathe with the pain. Honest to God it was like gettin stabbed in the arse with a pitchfork by a big farmer.
Then I remembered the safe word an I shouted, ‘Maggie says no!’ But the bastard kept on hittin me an my arse was on fire. An then the rage built up in me an I was goin crazy screamin, ‘Get me out you bastard!’ I was wrigglin an tryin to pull my head out of the trap I was in an I was thinkin to myself, he’s gonna get decked when I get out of here. An then he must have snapped out of the frenzy cos he stopped an he dropped the stick an was sayin sorry over an over an I said, ‘Get me the fuck out of this thing now!’ An then when he finally released me, I jumped up, I was even cryin with rage, an I turned round an stuck my head into the cunt – ‘Liverpool kiss, you ballbag!’ He stumbled backwards an fell on the bed, holdin his nose.
Then I said, ‘You fucked up Disturbia cunt.’ An he tried to say sorry an asked if I wanted some Sudocrem for my arse an I said, ‘Naaaaa. But you’re gonna need your nose looked at.’ Sure the blood was pissin out of it – it looked like a busted boot. Then I grabbed my clothes, shoved them on an left him standin there.
An I walked out of his flat thinkin, no man’s gonna beat the life out of me no matter how gorgeous he is in those chinos. I’m not havin it, I’m a fuckin goddess, I’m every woman, it’s all in me! Girl power! So I think to myself, next stop, Sally-Ann’s. She’ll cheer me up a treat. So I went round to her flat an we got stuck into the White Lightning.
I nearly died tellin her about that brute canin me, an she said, ‘Now that’s a bit too far. Nothin wrong with a bit of bondage – I dropped candle wax on Seamie Smith’s bell-end an put a tennis ball in his mouth an he loved it – he ended up with lock-jaw, but he said it was worth it.’
Then I told her about me stickin the head into him an she said to me, ‘Oh you’re brilliant, Maggie, no wonder you lamped him!’
Then I realised that I don’t need a man anyway, I have my Big Sally-Ann. An mates are thicker than water. So I asked her about Igor an she said to me, ‘He got lifted last night for exposin himself to the public’
An I said, ‘Whaaaaaaaa?’
An she said, ‘We were havin a quickie up against a tree an two policemen were walkin by the railins an saw us at it. So, we bolted an I flew off an hid in the toilets but he ran the other way an they caught him.’ So I had to laugh like.
Then she said, ‘Sure, it’s better to be single, so you can shag who you want to.’
An then I said, ‘True. Let’s head out on the tear.’
So we headed out to the Red Lion an downed a load of shots, and then walked over to some fellas I recognised from the estate.
An she winked at me an said, ‘I bagsy him with the Kappa top on an his mate with the vest top for afters.’
Then I looked at the rest of them an said, ‘Fuck it, let’s head out the back an have a gang bang!’ So we grabbed the fellas an ran out into the night, laughin our balls off.
Acknowledgements
I would like to thank Blackstaff Press for publishing the book. Thanks to Maureen Boyle, my Open University tutor, who helped give me the confidence to show my writing to others. Thanks to Chrissie Manby, author, who gave me excellent advice on publishing and writing. Thanks to Sarah who met me at Waterstones coffee shop and kept me company on her lunch hour while I scribbled Maggie’s shenanigans. Thanks to the chums that I bounced ideas off: Linda, Sam, Ricky, Jen, Trish, Ali, Julie, Roxy, Jules, Dean, Dawn, Anthony. Thanks to Reuben for the pictures for my Facebook page. Thanks to my mum for an honest opinion and excessive baby-sitting duties.
Finally, a gigantic thank you to all my Facebook fans – you have made my dream come true and I thank every single one of you for all the lovely comments and support. I hope that you enjoy the story.
Leesa. x